Hey guy,


I'm really confused, and input would be greatly appreciated. I've been dating this guy since December, and things have been going well. I'm not too clingy, and I don't try to keep tabs on him. Basically, I give him some freedom. Nothing has happened recently that would make me think I did something to turn him off. We were texting earlier and he asked if he could ask me for a favor. He then proceeded to tell me he needed to be alone this weekend. He also said "I've been thinking about a lot of things and I need time to think and be alone." Also, he said " I don't know hot I feel about where I am right now and I want to take time to assess my life." I asked him he he was having doubts about me, and said "Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't want to waste my time." He replied with "I know what you mean and I understand where you're coming from but I need time to think bc I want to be sure." He also assured me that I didn't upset him and it was nothing I or him had done. He said "It's my feelings and I can't really explain it or really put it into words." I think he's upset and needs his space... He said he'll talk to me when he knows what he's feeling. I told him I didn't want to complicate things and that I was sorry for whatever he's going through. I also said that I would communicate with him through text, email, phone, etc. He replied, "Thank you I appreciate that. I promise to let you know as soon as I know." I'm really confused right now. I basically want to know if I should prepare myself for a breakup. I have some idea of what's going through his mind, but I can't be sure. I told him "I'm trying not to assume, but usually someone doesn't want what they already have if they don't know what they want." He said "You can think what you want. I respect the fact that you want space when you're upset and I give it to you so you can do me the same courtesy." He had said that when I was trying to figure out what was wrong, but I backed off and he appreciated it. Any input would be nice. Thanks ahead of time!

Hey guys,

Sorry, there were a couple typos in that question. At the end I meant to type that I told him I WOULDN'T communicate with him.

From what he said,he needs time.

Maybe things are going too fast for him and he is not sure he wants to be in a committed relationship.

Some people are afraid of commitment.

Its always a little foolhardy to speculate because your basically taking a stab in the dark.

If he isn't willing to be more specific I would say ,give him his space.

It sounds like he is questioning the relationship so I suppose the possibly of a breakup exists it may not be a bad idea to prepare yourself for that.

As I said its all just a guess.I hope things work out for you.

I suspect you may have taken things too fast in this relationship - and, to be honest, I'm also a little concerned about how you've expressed some things:

I'm not too clingy, and I don't try to keep tabs on him. Basically, I give him some freedom.

You've been together just over 6 months, so the relationship is in its infancy... You don't keep tabs on him, you give him freedom... essentially, with these words you come across as if you're controlling and as if you're his 'keeper'. (I sincerely apologise if this isn't the case, but this is how it sounds.)

I don't know if a break up is imminent, only he can know that, but obviously there is something that he feels he needs to reflect on and he can't do that with you around. If you're acting as the 'keeper' in the relationship, then he may be questioning his feelings for you but may not be able to express his doubts.

I think that he's been really open and honest with you in asking for this time to himself. It's important that you respect this and not interfere. Tell him that you care about him (I don't think that telling him you don't want to 'waste you time' is a good idea), tell him you'll be thinking about him and ask him to call you or text you when he wants to talk.

Then leave him alone.

I don't know what the outcome will be, but I encourage you to respond with maturity and restraint. You've only known each other 6 months so if it's bad news, you can get on with your life, and if its good news, you can continue to build a good relationship with a deeper understanding.

For the sounds of it, it seems like the relationship is over.He wants to be left alone so give him time and space, donot push him

Quote:

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I respect the fact that you want space when you're upset and I give it to you so you can do me the same courtesy." He had said that when I was trying to figure out what was wrong, but I backed off and he appreciated it

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Not sure what you meant by this, but it sounds like you have gone through this yourself, and he gave you space. Would I be right?

Sounds like he was honest when he explained that he is going through some things, give him the space he needs to think things out and then you two can discuss it with a clear head and no emotional dust around

Thanks, artlady.




[QUOTE=Gemini54;1704382]I suspect you may have taken things too fast in this relationship - and, to be honest, I'm also a little concerned about how you've expressed some things:

I'm not too clingy, and I don't try to keep tabs on him. Basically, I give him some freedom.

You've been together just over 6 months, so the relationship is in its infancy... You don't keep tabs on him, you give him freedom... essentially, with these words you come across as if you're controlling and as if you're his 'keeper'. (I sincerely apologise if this isn't the case, but this is how it sounds.)


Gemini, I'm a gemini, too. :-) I wrote that when I was really tired, so I can understand why you took it that way as I re-read it. I can assure you that I'm not his "keeper". :-) It's unpleasant when someone constantly tries to keep tabs on me, so I was trying to say that I wouldn't do that to a significant other. You have to have your own hobbies, friends, time to breathe, etc. He's going through a lot at work, and I'm almost positive that has a lot to do with why he is down right now. He's the type who doesn't like showing his weaknesses, and now that I've had more time to think about it, I realize that I was over-analyzing. Luckily he didn't know about that part. Haha



Talaniman, I have gone through the same thing, but to a lesser degree. I needed maybe an hour. :-) But I know that's not the point. The point is that he left me alone when I needed to deal with things, and it's only fair I grant his wishes. Pushing yourself onto someone will only push them farther away.


Romefalls, I agree with you. He's going through a very stressful time at work, and I know he is unhappy with his job. Plus, he doesn't want me to see him so upset. There are times when I've been so stressed that I wanted to be alone for a couple days.

I think its important for partners to define what they mean, when they say things, as it could easily be taken the wrong way, or worse as a personal affront, and as you see that leads to all kinds of feelings, that may not be conducive to communications.

When confused just ask " what do you mean by space". Then you won't have to jump to conclusions and deal with facts, and not just YOUR feelings, which may be distort the whole issue.

I'm going to take a different perspecitve to this. I think he just needs time alone to figure out some personal problems. You might be part of it, but I doubt that you are the reason he needs space.

I say let him be alone for a while and see what he has to say when he's done. But don't worry about whether you did something wrong or what else you can do.

He just needs his space and then he will come and find you. Again, I'm pretty sure he's got other problems in life other than problems in his relationship with you.

Back off and focus on yourself.

I went through a period of this with my wife before we married... I was going to move away and start a different career... had to step back, take an honest look at what I wanted and was willing to do... and in my case, some "cave time" let me choose to step things up without feeling pressured.

Can't promise you anything. He might do the same. He might step further away.

But generally I like to live in reality, no matter how hard it is to take... so if he wants some space... give it. Don't use it to wait for him... focus on thinking about your needs and wants... and if he is honest about what he said... that he needs some time to get perspective, he will be willing and open to talk to you in time.

I think a good relationship is worth some effort and some patience... and I also think there's a point when you can say "enough is enough"...

My asking to step back a little was an important step in my ability to choose to be with my wife. The rush of intense emotions was clouding my ability to understand why I was choosing to stay. Was it because I was in lust or was it because this woman was good for me and I needed to understand what I was willing to do?

Reality is a good place to be.

Id give him some time. Don't be at his beck and call. Don't neglect yourself for his sake. But a step back at a critical time isn't the worst thing...

If he stays, its for the right reasons.

If he leaves, its for the right reasons.

Kp2171,


Thanks for your opinion. I was able to see things from another perspective. I realize that at some point in a relationship, you have to really determine whether the person you're with is really good for you. Lust doesn't last. Before he asked for a little space, the last time we saw each other went really well. We went out with some of his friends and had a good time. The day I left, He sat in front of me in my lap and had me put my arms around his waist. We were in that state for a while, and it seemed like he was enjoying it. The main thing I'm trying not to do is assume. I want to wait until he talks with me again.

I feel that the way I reacted was a little premature, so the day after I texted that I wouldn't communicate, I texted just to clarify things. I said, " I need to clarify something really quick, and I promise I won't contact you after. I wanted to apologize for saying I didn't want to waste my time. That was very rude of me, and I'm sorry. That came out the wrong way. I really do care about you, so if having this weekend alone benefits you, I don't want to hinder that. I'm going out of town and hope you have a good weekend." I never expected a response from that nor did I get one. I understand he needs to cut off contact to deal with what he's facing. I haven't heard from him since late Thursday night, and I'm not sitting around and waiting on him. I went out with some of my friends this weekend and had a good time. He's a good guy, so I know he'll come to me when he is ready.

Good luck. I hope it works out for you. Other than that... I will keep my thoughts to myself. Not really feeling him

I say do you,( as an expression) have some fun; date if you want to. If he really cares about you; he will make it known. Until then; do your thing if that is what you want to do. Just don't put too much mental energy into him; he will let you know how he feels when he is ready. If he isn't ready, you will keep dating and having fun with your firiends as usual; until you find the right guy.

Men are good at letting you know what they want, when they REALLY want tt. If they are not sure, best believe; they are still out there looking. They are not sitting at home pondering over you... that's the difference between men and women; I believe. Live your life and don't put tooo much thought into him. Remmember; men are more direct than women. That WILL communicate with you what they want from a relationship if they are ready...

As far as explaining yourself to him; you did not need to. What you text him; is the truth. You do not want to waste your time. Let him swallow that. He knows that if the situation was reversed; he would not put up with the excuses he gives to you. He believes he can act the way he does towards you because you are a woman and he knows that you are emotional. Cut him off at his game. Move on if he doesn't give you what you want. If he loves you; he will break his back to be with you. If he is not sure; he will know that you are not stressing over his actions. Move on! Through my life; I have seen this is how it is...