Me and my wife have been married for 2 years and have gone through a lot in that time. There have been several instances where I was dishonest with her, mainly about finances, but not all. I have a track record of being dishonest with my family as well, about finishing school. Her reactions are usually pretty bad and that was always my justification for not disclosing our financial difficulties. She's still a student and I'm was the only one working, originally in the mortgage industry, so things went awry pretty abruptly. I did not know how to handle it at first and just led her to believe that things were okay. About 3 months ago, I came clean, she obviously knew that things weren't golden. We've recently had to move into her parents home while I looked for another job and that has been very tough (my parents live across the country so we couldn't move there). I've gotten a job and have been waiting to get my first paycheck. We've been here 6 weeks and it has been the toughest time of my life. My wife constantly makes me feel like I'm not a man and that I'm pathetic for having to resort to staying with her family. Long story short, I recently lied again about a bill that was supposed to be paid which I didn't pay but told her I had. I don't know why I did, her reaction to that would not have been as bad as her reaction when she found out I lied. I'm trying to be honest about our situation but doing so makes her more stressed out and when she tears me down, it makes me feel like I'm nothing. I literally cry when I'm alone because I feel so depressed about our situation and feel so helpless even though I know I'm not. I don't know how to be honest with her without her or her making me feel worse and more stressed. I know that lying to her is absolutely wrong and the fact that we went through our money without telling her was practically stealing. She thinks that I have a bad character but I know that's not the case, I know I have a problem with trying to please her or my family when I should just bite the bullet, it makes the situation worse. But when I'm on the spot, I choose to lie because it's the easy out. I keep myself sane by reminding myself that things will get better and when things are easier financially, I won't have to lie and our relationship will be better, but the damage is done. I can't keep asking her to start over and trust me if I continue to lie. I would love to start fresh but our marriage is buried under 2 years of dirt.

I think you've learned the lesson about telling one lie leads to telling more lies to cover up the first lie.

The best policy is honesty even if it does mean that she's going to hit the ceiling over you not paying a bill (for instance) and saying you did.

Just try to tell the truth from now on and she will see that you are a changed person. If you want your marriage to continue - just remember honesty is definitely the best policy in a marriage.

Start with a counselor, start setting a budget in writing, and do the bank book and pay all the bills together, let her see all checks commig in and all bills going out

...I choose to lie b/c its the easy out..

But it's not is it? It's made everything worse, and what's more you wife doesn't trust you.

But you know that.

Your behaviour sounds compulsive to me. I'd start by talking to a professional counsellor. At least you can begin to understand why you do it and how to start dealing with it.

Your wife will hopefully then see that you're prepared to do something about your dishonesty and that you're not bad, just scared and insecure about your capacity to support her.

I have to tell you hon. This exact issue almost led to my divorce. My husband constantly lied to me. Always spending money and not telling me, saying he did something when he didn't, etc. almost exactly to the letter of what you just wrote to us in your OP.

When I found out about it (and believe me your wife will find out about it as well) it nearly costed us our marriage. Thankfully we sought counselling and got through it and now he is very honest. Though the damage has already been done and I still find it hard to trust him.

Please, do the right thing and come clean. Get some counseling and work through this TOGETHER>

Though I do commend you for taking time out to ask opinions and aim to get help I have a tough time trying to sympathize with you after reading your post. You mentioned that you cry when you are alone but... you continue to be dishonest with her. Finances can bear burden on any relationship however it's not an excuse to violate her trust. Also, you cleverly slipped in that you have lied to her "...mainly about finances, but not all." I suspect whatever else you lied to her about has led her not believe anything you say. That's the logistics of it. I don't think you necessarily have a character flaw but you definitely are comfortable avoiding facing any sort of truth. You mentioned you have a track record of being dishonest with your family and about finishing school. You also mentioned your wife is a student. Imagine her dismay to know she has to work to earn something (which I am sure she may value), only to have you receive the same credit simply by lying. Or that she cannot depend on a secure future because she cannot even trust that you are even working.

What I am trying to do here, is not bash you. But perhaps have you see that after reading your post, it seems that your wife has every reason to doubt you. In order to get trust back, you have to work at it. That means being completely open and disclosing everything. Not by lying to her... again. It may seem like an easy way out for you but if you are thinking on that level, then marriage is no place for you at this time. You have to learn to be less selfish and realize right from wrong, especially when another person is involved.

You've had some really good advice here.

Your history of lying probably goes back before you met your wife. I would bet that some of the lies were to make you feel more attractive, solid, hard working, and to also appear to be honest and trustworthy.

She did not marry an honest man, as she's found out. And the lies continued after your marriage, right up until very recently. Who did she marry, if it was not the person you said you were.

You still haven't come clean with all the deception. You have lied to her, and continue to lie to her. A little lie or a big lie at this point doesn't matter, it's still you looking her in the eye and lying. Would it surprise you if she thinks you're also capable of telling even bigger lies? Maybe she thinks you are a gambler, or you've had affairs.

It isn't enough that you want to change. It is very hard work to live without lying when that is really how you've coped with life for so long. The reasons you hide behind lies have to be addressed, and only when you are willing to do the work, will you be able to change.

This is not a simple matter of just stopping the lies. You have to do far more than talk the talk to re-establish trust with your wife. You have created this problem, and you have to step up, and seek professional counselling in order to take care of yourself first, and then hope that it is enough for your wife to trust you again.

I agree with "twinkiedooter" that in order to cover up one lie, you have to make a million more. It's just not worth it. I also agree with "Gemini" that you are simply avoiding responsibility. Instead of being honest and being judged for those actions, you create what you want others to see. It's only a matter of time before someone, especially someone as close to you as your spouse, will see that. It just seems like you have no respect for your marriage, if you blatantly continue to do something that you are aware of, bottom line. We have choices we can make every day that will make our spouse's life that much easier. Instead of you doing that you look for any way to make yours a bit easier; even if it is at her expense. "Gemini" mentioned that it is not a "character flaw", but the fact that you made a mistake, realized it, and continue to make it... then cry because you get caught... then do it again? It speaks of one's character the things they do, especially knowingly, to others. Get a grip or she WILL leave. Judging from responses you have already gotten, the one repeating factor is that you need to get professional help to deal with your extreme insecurities. Lying is simply wrong, but to go to such lengths to cover up who you are is a serious problem that needs far more help than I feel you realize. As a woman who has been in a marriage for 13 years, I can assure you that she will leave soon enough if things do not change. Once trust is gone in a relationship, it is damn near impossible to get that groove back. Are you even willing to work at this, or do you expect her to just put up with it until she has had enough? By the way you evade and responsibility and consequence, it seems as if you almost want her to leave because it's "easier" on you.

In my original post, I meant to say "as a man who has been married to a woman for 13 years.." I apologize, I posted w/out double checking.

My reason for clarifying this was to make it clear that it's not a male/female thing here. It is a matter of disrespecting your union of marriage. She did not sign up to be with a liar who makes the world believe his lies. She signed the rest of her life up to be with what you presented to her. That being said, you have a lot more to lose here than just being labeled a "liar". You are playing a sick game with someone else's life. I couldn't imagine lying to my wife in any way, because I know it would eventually burn a bridge between us. You have to seriously re-evaluate what your meaning of a meaningful relationship is before you even try to fix this. Professional help is strongly encouraged.

I am going through the same issue now. I just discovered my husband has taken two loans continuously without telling me and when I asked him for money he told he doesn't have because he is paying for loans. We share finances with him I have never lied to him about finances and when I discovered this it has relly detroyed me and I do not think I can take this anymore. Before I married him he had lied twice about debts he had not paid and auctioners were following him up, he gave me different reasons and I agreed to help and even after two years in my marriage he told me he owed the brother. I have been very understanding but what made me very mad is I was about to be suspended in college because of him failing to pay my fees and him lending his brother money instead. This is very damaging and to a woman you feel insecure in the relationship and unloved so please do what you can now apologize and if you have a weakness please seek professional advice as well let your wife manage the finances you will earn more respect and she will understand the effort you are making and with time you will be different.