My question is one about trust. My wife and I have been together for 8 years, but have only been married for one of them. We have never really had serious trust issues before now, and have always managed to get through our issues and problems, for some reason a few months ago we drifted slightly and to cut a long story short my wife started wanting to see her best friend a lot who is also married, the problem was it was her husband she wanted to see not her best friend and I started suspecting things when strange occurrences kept popping up. I caught them downstairs she sitting on his lap laughing and flirting alone whilst everyone was up stairs. There was a email also that confirmed a lot that they were up to something, They also were using spare phones to chat to each other, until his wife found out and they still continued to deny any affair or happenings, Couple months later after everything had died down, I checked the phone bills, and she had called him 54 times in one month, and 69 times in the next month, When I confronted her she said that, yes, they were close but it was over and nothing had happened, I then phoned him and gave him the 3rd degree. Since then I have been very untrusting, I have asked her not to contact him or even see them but for some reason she still stays friends, unfortunately we see them because of our circle of friends I want nothing to do with them but my wife still feels the need to be friends with them. I don’t want to ruin two marriages just because of a insecurity on my behalf. I know that he has had feelings for her. I have not told the guys wife of all the phone calls and she is suspecting nothing at the moment ,and I know it would break her heart if she were to find out and ruin their marriage and friendship between the two girls. I am getting pretty jealous these days when I am with her, and possessive. If this continues I know it will ruin my marriage, How do I deal with my trust issues now…. Especially as I might be going over board checking everything because I don’t trust her.

I think you need to go to counsling and pray about the issue.I am going to pray for you also...

I will say from personal experience, usually your gut instincts are right as much as your heart and wife say otherwise. I suspected that my husband had cheated and then thought no he would never do that to me, I am imagining it. Then low and behold after we had been married for 3 years, he told me that the woman I had originally suspected he had affair with he has a child who was 2. I am still struggling with this whether to stay or to leave. Just go with your gut!

What does your wife say when you tell her how difficult it is for you when you are all together or when she still wants to see them? Does she dismiss your feelings as being overreactive? Does she understand? I wonder what she would be feeling if things had been turned around?

She claims nothing was going on, but then says it is over. If nothing was going on why would anything need to be over? They may not have actually done anything, but they certainly behaved in a way that was disrespectful to their partners and to their marriages.

The only way you will get back to trusting her is if she is willing to work at rebuilding that trust. She can deny anything happened all she wants, and maybe nothing physical did happen, but the perception is there, and there was ample evidence to suggest there was more than just neighbourly conversation going on. If talking to her yourself doesn't resolve the issue, then counseling may help her to realise why this continues to bother you. It might open the communication up between you so that you can move forward.

In my opinion your lack of trust in her is perfectly justified here, going somewhere alone together and sitting on his lap and flirting? Suspicious emails? Calling each other on spare phones and very frequently? I mean 69 personal calls a month, that's over to a day, calling someone once a day is considered by most people to be overly needy. And as DoulaLC said, she wouldn't say it was over unless something happened.
Whilst it isn't definite proof they are all signs of an affair of some sort, physical or emotional.

And even if she didn't have an affair, you are asking her to stop this friendship with this man for very valid reasons, and she is completely ignoring your feelings and putting this other man over you.
Try to get her to go to couples counseling. And whilst this marriage still has a chance of a full recovery. I would keep and suspicious emails and phone bills, just in case, they may be of use if things go sour.

After reading your post, I strongly feel you should have a serious sit down with your wife and explain all of this (you may even want to read your post to her). Her behavior is unacceptable to you and she needs to be made aware of it... clearly. Judging from her reaction and willingness to please you (her spouse), it will clearly show you how much respect she has for you and your marriage.

Just the fact that she has been calling this other guy, without your knowledge is wrong. Her disrespecting her friend is another wrong. It appears that your wife is extremely selfish and has no capability of thinking of others (especially her spouse and good friend). It does not appear like a good situation, but being that she is your wife, I strongly suggest you clearly let her know how much this bothers you and how bad it all looks on paper. Again, her reaction will speak in volumes.