Ask Me Help Desk - Raising husband's child with another women

Hi,
My husband and I have been with each other for 15 years and married for 5 years.My husband has been having an affair for 4 years with this women. She got pregnant and I agreed to raise the child together with him. He agreed to only see her and meet her with me around. I found out 2 months back that he is still having an affair with her.
He says he cannot put a stop to the relationship overnight but with time is trying to stay away from her. He says that she will be leaving the country sometime June 09 but he will still keep contact with her.
I love the child very much and have been looking after the child for 14 months now. He says he will never marry that other women and will not let her look after the child.
He wants our marriage to work and is trying his best to keep away from her.

The other women is married and her husband is overseas. No body in her family knows about the child. She also have 2 children of her own.

We have not had any sexual relationship for a long time and even if we do, it always fails and I am the one who initiates it.

Please advice

Of course your "husband" is not trying, he has both cake and pie and is getting away with it,

If he really, really wanted to stop, he would never see her again, ever starting right now. Period end of it.

So he either ends it, or you kick his cheating butt out the door.

Also if the other women was married, in some states that husband is considered the legal father unless contested, and that often has a time limit.

You have no legal rights to the child, and most likely never will have legal rights.

I agree with Chuck on this one 100%. I cannot for the life of me understand why you would put up with this situation for so long.

While you have likely been a very good mother to his child, surely you must realize that his welfare will not be decided by you. It will be up to a judge to determine which parent he is going to live with, but, it won't likely be you.

Please for your own sake, seek counselling. You have sunk into an emotional hole here that begs for help. You cannot make your husband change, regardless of what he says, he intends to maintain a relationship with the mother of his child, and has done so, for years.

You may not see it now, but you really do deserve a better life for yourself. Your life is taking second place to the needs of your husband, his long time girlfriend, and now his child.

While it may all have happened gradually, and piled up over time, somehow you have been reduced to 'the other woman' and the nanny to boot.

Please seek help to gain some understanding into what kind of life you have accepted for yourself, and what you need to do to change it.

Let your husband and his girlfriend and her husband, sort their own mess out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wife1222

He says he cannot put a stop to the relationship overnight ... trying to stay away from her... she will be leaving the country sometime June 09 but he will still keep contact with her....I love the child very much ...

We have not had any sexual relationship for a long time and even if we do, it always fails and i am the one who initiates it.

You have three problems that might look like one. If you separate them, it will be easier to solve them.

First: You are tolerating your husband's affair, which makes it possible for him to continue. If he respected you, he would immediately break off the relationship with her. The "Can't do this overnight" story is BS that you don't have to believe.

If you want to stay with him, you have to make a foundation from respect. He might love you, but he won't LOVE you until he feels the urge to put you first, before her, before anyone else, and thinks of your well being before he acts. This comes from respect and affection together.

Second: You are raising her daughter. You had better be sure that you have a clear agreement with her. Otherwise, she can come back and surprise you.

Third: you are responsible for the well being of this child.

If anything were possible, how would you like to address each of these?

Why give up his girlfriend if his wife will let him have her...

I agree totally. I have always given him too many chances and he knows for a fact that I will never leave him. I agree respect and trust is the foandation of a marriage and the fact that he needs to take time proves he will not leave her until and unless there is an ultimatum.

I have grown to accept that child as mine and would be glad to bring her up but the only fear is if that women decideds to take her away from me anytime in the future. I will not be able to do anything.

This guy needs to straighten himself out before he'll be walking away to have a relationship with that woman and her husband. What a happy marriage that would be..

Its not crack... there is no addiction he needs to get over. He just wants to keep nailing her.

Kick him to the curb... he is a cheater and will always be one.

Talk about trying it on!

Your husband must have the hide of a politician to try to get away with something like this and you must have the patience of the Dalai Lama if you have not already said “enough is enough”.

Your husband is showing an extraordinary lack of sensitivity to your feelings by saying he is going to keep in contact with this woman and by expecting you to bring up their child (I have to ask - how the hell did she hide the pregnancy? ). It's also clear that he will not in the longer term be able to stop seeing her, because she's the mother of his child.

You seem to have attached yourself to this child as the only thing that you can hold on to. But it's not yours, and you need to face the fact that the other woman may well want it back at some stage.

One of the implicit understandings of marriage is that you will come first in a person’s life, or pretty near to it. Children and work or friends and family commitments may interfere at times but the underlying sense is that the union and the maintenance of that union comes first. Your husband isn't doing that. He’s putting this woman's needs ahead of yours and by doing so he is continuing to break his promises in marriage.

Marriage is a promise. If there is a crack in one part; if you break one part of the promise, then ultimately the whole relationship is unstable. Cracks will appear in other places too (and already have, as you don't have a sexual relationship). So while your husband may see this situation as contained, he must recognise that his actions, his breach of promise in one area, are in danger of destroying the whole.

Right now when he should be putting greater effort into repairing the damage to your relationship he’s still focusing outward on her needs and his, rather than the needs of your marriage. And you're supporting this passively.

It’s so 'him' focused, I wonder whether you are explaining your feelings about this properly. Are you a poor communicator? Do you lack assertiveness? Have you told your husband flatly you don’t think this is acceptable or fair? Have you told him you're not prepared to take it?

I hate ultimatums but your husband needs to make a choice for the sake of your marriage. If he can’t do that then you have good cause to wonder about his investment in your relationship into the future. If your husband insists on keeping this woman in your lives then you will need to make hard choices as well.

I need to ask - how much more are you prepared to put up with?

Quote:

Originally Posted by wife1222

I agree totally. I have always given him too many chances and he knows for a fact that i will never leave him. I agree respect and trust is the foandation of a marriage and the fact that he needs to take time proves he will not leave her until and unless there is an ultimatum.

I have grown to accept that child as mine and would be glad to bring her up but the only fear is if that women decideds to take her away from me anytime in the future. I will not be able to do anything.

So, my questions still stand: If anything were possible, how would you like to address (1) your husband (2) your legal position with the mother, and (3) getting—or giving—the best parenting for this child?

Think through these questions will give you more power in the situation. Right now, you have none.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wife1222

Hi,
My husband and i have been with each other for 15 years and married for 5 years.My husband has been having an affair for 4 years with this women. She got pregnant and I agreed to raise the child together with him. He agreed to only see her and meet her with me around. I found out 2 months back that he is still having an affair with her.
He says he cannot put a stop to the relationship overnight but with time is trying to stay away from her. He says that she will be leaving the country sometime June 09 but he will still keep contact with her.
I love the child very much and have been looking after the child for 14 months now. He says he will never marry that other women and will not let her look after the child.
He wants our marriage to work and is trying his best to keep away from her.

The other women is married and her husband is overseas. No body in her family knows about the child. She also have 2 children of her own.

We have not had any sexual relationship for a long time and even if we do, it always fails and i am the one who initiates it.

Please advice

I think your hubby and this woman deserve each other. I say this because the both of them have a lack of respect for their spouses. They have caused a whole lot of pain and suffering because of this ongoing affair. While your emotinal and mental health has paid and is still paying the price. You know they are only keeping up with this ridicuous behaviour because you allow them to. I think you are to busy trying to keep the peace and putting yourself last that you have actually lost yourself, all the while hubby goes out and has a good time. I cannot believe they created this child through the most decitful way and your left being the ONLY responsible parent in this child's life, thank god for you this child has a chance.

You are to kind with a wonderful heart to be putting up with hubbies nonsense.