My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 4 months and it all started surprising and amazing great for the both of us. I guess we both thought it was way to fast but did not hesitate to continue. The first 3 months this way but as of late she has made herself distant both emotionally and physically. I just went along with it and did not question anything thinking she would work herself out of the problem which is about her 2 boys. She has been divorced for 18 months and continues to struggle with failing her children and stresses out about letting her ex get to her on issues involving the boys. (The boys and I do get along great, which is an important item that probably should be mentioned)

I finally asked her about all of this by telling her that I feel like she doesn’t want ‘us to be us’ anymore and its hard continuing feeling that way. I also said that she has distanced herself and what’s most concerning is that she doesn’t seem to be bothered by what I’m feeling. Her response to this was that I was right with some of my feelings and she does care about me. She is realizing more and more each day that we have a lot of differences in our goals and lifestyle. She said she needed to focus on her and her boys right now and has unresolved issues and healing left to do (which I understand). Everything between us happened way to fast and this is exactly what she feared happening. She ended with she still wanted to spend time with me and be more than friends but does not want to be in a serious relationship.

My questions are:

Do I allow us to be in a less than committed relationship? Will this be a better way of getting her completely back or would it be better to just stop the communication?

We have already planned weekend trips that we still plan on going? Should I cancel the trips?

Should I plan on being that casual boyfriend in the hopes of she wanted to start a serious relationship when her issues get resolved?

Should I of ‘had plans’ when she asked me to go to lunch today?

Be her friend and be grateful that she told you she needed time because things could have took a bad turn.It's OK to do things as friends because as she heals u will always be there and she will appreciate it!

Do I allow us to be in a less than committed relationship? Will this be a better way of getting her completely back or would it be better to just stop the communication?

Perhaps you should back off, it sounds as if you're expecting too much, too soon and this is stressing her - in addition to all the other stuff she's dealing with. You've only been together a few months and it seems as though you expect to have her undivided love and attention. I would suggest that this is hard for her, and clearly hard for you because you're not getting what you need.

We have already planned weekend trips that we still plan on going? Should I cancel the trips?

Yes, I would cancel them.

Should I plan on being that casual boyfriend in the hopes of she wanted to start a serious relationship when her issues get resolved?

No I would not be a 'casual' boyfriend. This will only make you unhappy, more demanding and drive her even further away. If you can be friends, this might be nice, but I'm not sure that you can.

Should I of 'had plans' when she asked me to go to lunch today?

Yes. Perhaps you can have lunch in a couple of months when you feel less hurt and upset.

It is good you said you understood her situation well, she is still going through a healing process and that could be the reason she is scared to commit herself to the relationship. Again true love waits for you, if she is your true love she will come back to you, I would not advise you to go ahead with her casually if you have serous feelings for her? Because by allowing that she might think you want to hurt her like the ex did. Be smart and just give her sometime and keep the friendship and see where you both head. If you really care for her deeply arrange for her to see a counselor I am sure it will work for you.

My dear women need attention, care and love and respect and if you can move in that line, you will see how she will open up for you and that is when you will know that you have conquered her fears. Good luck

How do you asses yourself? Is it okay for you to be a casual friend? If I were to ask, I'd rather back off and do something else for now. I just can't stand the situation. It's like friends with some daddy care benefits but no strings attached but combined with anytime boyfriend job call.

She's not emotionally available. She needs time to sort through her emotions and during this time there is no way she can give to a relationship.

You will not be happy in this situation and you being around will slow down her process.

She most likely needed to feel loved and appreciated again and you did that.

I would suggest backing off. She knows how to reach you.

A casual boyfriend to me sounds as though she wants you around when she wants you. It's all about her. Not fair to you.

She may also mean that she wants to keep her eye out for someone else, you as the backup plan. Not fair to you either.

I would give her her space and you don't put your life on hold while waiting for her.

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Do I allow us to be in a less than committed relationship? Will this be a better way of getting her completely back or would it be better to just stop the communication?

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The question is can you feel comfortable in a less than committed relationship?
This is not just about what one person wants.

It is not always easy to peddle backwards.It may sound good in theory but in reality its like trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube.

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We have already planned weekend trips that we still plan on going? Should I cancel the trips?

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I think that is a discussion you and she should have.

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Should I plan on being that casual boyfriend in the hopes of she wanted to start a serious relationship when her issues get resolved?

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I think one of the key things she told you is that you have many differences in goals and lifestyle,to me that indicates she is moving away from you but trying to do so in such a way that is less painful for you.

I do not see any indication from her that she wants to continue the relationship after her issues are settled but rather she is moving away slowly in the hope of sparing your feelings

If you cannot enjoy her company without the high expectations, then you should leave her alone, and save the misery, and pain, of not getting what you want, when you want it.

When relationships move too fast, both people have blinders on during that time and eventually they have to come off- her's came off first and now she's slamming the breaks on the relationship because she's looking at things more realistically and seeing that maybe this isn't a relationship for her. That's why it's so important to take things slow and invest incrementally into a relationship, not ALL AT ONCE!
She's backtracking and waffling about the relationship and your response should be "take all the time you need to figure things out because I don't want to be with someone who is so indecisive about me" and then go live your life. You'll be taking the high road and giving her time to reassess what it is she wants.
She may come back and tell you that she just needs things to slow down and you can talk from there or she may be relieved. I would cancel the plans and tell her that you don't want her to feel any pressure to be with you.
My take is that she wants out of this relationship and she feels pressured by you. Take the pressure off, give her space, and you'll have your answer.

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Originally Posted by Reality_Bites

Do I allow us to be in a less than committed relationship? Will this be a better way of getting her completely back or would it be better to just stop the communication?

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You should be asking yourself this question. She's made herself clear that she does not want something serious at the moment and there's no way to tell if she wants something serious later. You can't change the way she feels. She might say one thing now, but she could change her mind later. What you need to do is figure out what you want. Do you want something serious now? Are you willing to take a few steps back your relationship and see what happens later?

Figure out what you want first, before worrying about what she wants. Just keep in mind that there's no way to tell what she wants a few months from now, so can you handle so much uncertainty?

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Originally Posted by Reality_Bites

We have already planned weekend trips that we still plan on going? Should I cancel the trips?

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Well, there's no should or should not. Do you want to go? Does she want to go? If one of you feel uncomfortable about it, then don't go. Simple.

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Originally Posted by Reality_Bites

Should I plan on being that casual boyfriend in the hopes of she wanted to start a serious relationship when her issues get resolved?

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Refer to answer in question 1.

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Originally Posted by Reality_Bites

Should I of 'had plans' when she asked me to go to lunch today?

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Don't go second guessing every decision you're going to make. If you want to see her, ask her out. If you don't want to see her, then don't. She's made it clear that she wants something more casual, so don't worry about your actions, just do what you feel like doing. If she doesn't want to see you, she'll let you know.