Here is my story:

I work for a CPA firm. We moved to a new location last winter. Next door to us is a music industry, with mostly men. They are a very friendly down to earth kind of guys. But there's big differences in personality and the environment as you can understand. They are a loud bunch and constantly sounds like they are having a good time in the office. Talking most of the time at work, very laid back. Now, I know this because both of our companies doors are always open, so where I sit, which is next to the door I can see partially the inside of their front office. Our office, the firm, is most of the time quiet, people are very serious, and not talking. By the way, I have a very uptight boss.

Anyway, there's a guy in that office, who has been very friendly from the start. We both come in early to work before anyone else is there, so usually we have small conversations and flirt a bit with each other. The last couple of months, a feeling for him has been building up. And the more I like him and so attracted to him, I've developed this complex where I get so shy, it's totally uncontrollable. When he comes next to me or looks at me a certain way, I feel like I'm trembling. And I mean that literally. I've noticed my hands tremble. This is so frustrating. I'm sitting there talking to him and I'm noticing that my hands are shaking and I have to be moving around or doing something, I can't relax. This feeling for him is building up, I feel like exploding. I've even tried to avoid him for a while and but that didn't help and soon as we started seeing each other again, the feeling for him just keeps getting stronger, more intense.

And just today, when he came to work, I noticed he shaved his head. So I said,"Hey, what happened to your hair?", so he came into my office, standing next to where I was sitting, and started telling me of how much easier it is to maintain, and blah, blah. The next thing he does, "he takes my hand and says, feel my head", I was kind of like "Oh my God," but I go along with it. I start rubbing his head, "I say, "kind of scrubby", then he says, "Yeah but now feel here," and points my hand a bit lower almost to his neck, where the skin is real smooth, like baby ***. Now, tell me, what the heck is going on here. I think he's flirting with me or kind of coming on to me. Or am I getting the wrong idea? Please help. I personally think he's toying with me, He's feeling that I like him so he's playing games with my head. Or am I wrong. Is this normal everyday thing people do? Also, when we speak I see his eyes undressing me, going up and down my body. I'm not sure if that's intentional or what? Or maybe when he did that he wanted to see if this would lead to anything more? Maybe he wanted to see what I would do. To tell you the truth I just felt like grabbing him right there, right now. He is so hot.
By the way, I forgot to mention, he is black and I am white. And I've never had any kind of personal relationships with black man, so if anyone can give me any insight on them and what they are like and what they like, please let me know.

Thanks.

The interracial thing means nothing as long as it means nothing to you.

Sounds like he's certainly interested.

Most will say avoid work relationships, as they can be UGLY if they crash and burn. I've had a couple work related relationships, the last one became a marriage after I left the co because I wanted to pursue a relationship and it was easier that way for both of us. I see pros and cons to dating at the office. Like I said, based on previous threads, most here are likely to say it's a big, big risk.

But yeah, he sounds interested. And you are probably giving him body language that lets him know you are interested. Sometimes knowing the woman in interested is enough to make it go from a general interest to seriously interested. The only issue might be the whole problem with what is appropriate for the office. He comes onto a person who's not interested and suddenly there can be sexual misconduct issues if it gets out of hand.

If you are willing to live with the mess that may or may not happen if it all falls apart, and you really want to pursue this (and its pretty clear you do) then you might need to start things off. Is it possible to try to take a lunch with the guy. Simply asking him what he's doing will show him you are interested, and it's a pretty nonthreatening thing.

Before I asked my later to be wife out, wed been out together a couple of times at work or after, sometimes with others. I had some clear signals from her that she was interested.

First the race thing,

That is between you and him, but if you are not used to racism, you will find out a lot. I had a lot of black friends and went a lot of places with them, but it was not until I married a black lady that I found out how much still exists in America. As a couple there are a few eating places we can hardly get waited on, we always get asked "are you together" by store clerks.
And old people will stare to the point that you will ask them do you want a cameral the picture will last longer.
There will be black people that will swear he is a tratoir to his race, and there will be white people ready to burn a cross in his yard, but most merely talk behind your back.

I just want to be honest, it does not matter as much in the relationship but there will be things happening when you are together, that does not happen in non mixed relationships. For example we moved to a very "richy" white country club neighborhood a couple of years ago, I have had two dogs poisoned and one dog shot, which we tie to some anti black beleifs in the area. And when we had an open house to meet the neighbors, ( we had a lot of people come) but only two families from this subdivision.


Next work romance, if you do date and get very personal, and then break up, you will have to work everyday with that person knowing they are now with someone else, it can be tough, many people end up leaving their job or even getting fired over bad break ups.

But love is where we find it, and if this is MR right none of what I said will matter anyway.

Follow your heart and good luck

I completely believe the struggles you point out fr chuck.

My daughter is half italian, half latino. She looks more latino than ital. she has dated white, black, and asian, and flirted around with dominican rep.

I am white, irish. But I grew up in a more impoverished part of town, so I had friends who were black, white, mexican, and laos. I have never had a problem with her dating interracially. I didn't like the asian guy because he treated her like crap. He swore it was race. I liked the black guy, but he was just uncomfortable with interracial concerning families. Was always looking for who was the bigot in the group.

And even though I have absolutely no problem with interracial dating, I still will notice a couple that is interracially "mixed" and mentally label them... inside my head something goes "oh. theres a black man with a white girl". I'm not judging it. I don't think its bad. But something mentally recognized that as different. Perhaps because where I live there is a much higher proportion of whites to all others.

So I can believe the crap you have had to put up with from people who DO have a problem with it. Thanks for the input. I don't think it should matter, but you are right, all the stresses you mentioned are things that need to be considered.

Thanks to both of you for your reply.

As for interracial relationships, I have no problem with that. I never cared about what outsiders thought. I always believed that if someone is genuinely nice and true, if he is the one making me happy, then that is all I need.
But as far as him being interested, I'm not sure...
I haven't told you this part. It was around May or June... We were having a conversation about where we're both from, he lives in Manhattan, and I live in Brooklyn. So he mentioned that he's never been to Brooklyn. So I took that opportunity and casually asked him if he would like to come down to Brooklyn and hang out with me. Told him I would show him around, that way we could get to know each other better. He said, "Oh yeah, sure, we can do that but not in the next couple of weeks." That he was to busy at work. So I told him fine and that he should let me know when he would like to go. That it was up to him now. Also, I told him that "if he has someone in his life or in case he's unavailable that he should just say, and there would be no hard feelings. And that would be that. So he told me, no that there isn't anybody and that everything was fine." So I got so excited thinking he eventually would ask me to go out, but few months went by and nothing.
Now, I'm feeling that maybe he's interested in having sex with me rather then getting to know me personally. The weirdest thing happened not long ago. I paid him a complement, and he got all happy, and just came over and sat on my lap. Now how am I suppose to react to that. Or is it normal for black man to behave like that? Or maybe, I'm just too serious, and should just relax and not read into anything. What do you think?

On the other hand, maybe he wanted to get to know me better at work, before going out with me. Or maybe he see's that I am so shy that he's giving me time to warm up and not be afraid of him. Either way, I don't understand man. He's giving me so many different signals. It's like he's playing a game. One day he pops in the next day he'll go into his office and hide out all day. I don't know. Or maybe I'm just imagining this whole thing.

Okay. Thanks guys again very much.

Paulina.

Well...

If you'd said all that to me, and I was interested and single, id be finding a way to take you up on that offer. I think you did a great job of giving him an opening that was friendly, clear, and not too pushy. Lots of people write in here wondering how to approach someone they like. You did a good job of it, mostly because you did it confidently and it was straight-forward. You call yourself shy, but you didn't act that way when you took some action.

So... the obvious options are
1) flirting and interested, but shy
2) flirting and interested, but unsure (interracial thing? Work issue?)
2) flirting, but not really interested
3)??

So he is hesitating for some reason. You don't know why.

I have always been attracted to women who were confident. And also, when I am interested in someone, and I find out they are also interested in me, that almost always removed any doubts or barriers to my taking action. Sometimes you need to take a leap of faith anyway, but its even easier when you think the odds are better.

Id say you need to maybe take one more chance, if you are willing. You've come this far, why stop? Why not catch him, when he's in your office in a good mood, and simply say "you never took me up on that offer to check out brooklyn but you sat on my lap last week. what? you like sitting on my lap but you got something against brooklyn?" or "so are you still too busy to come hang with me in brooklyn?"

You want to be pursued. It's a lot of the fun at first. If he's not willing to do it, then you're going to need to back off and write it off as he's not willing to do the work. I think there are valid reasons he might be hesitating. The race thing might be one (how does his family feel about that? If his family is important to him, it might matter)... and the interoffice romance can be troublesome even without the race card... again, a legitimate concern, especially if he's had to work hard to get where he is.

If its just he's shy. Well, like I said, you want to be pursued. He needs to take some action at some point.

I have usually dated women who are confident and who go after what they want. Ill do work too, but I'm just not the kind to pursue when I get a lot of resistance. Now... when I started dating my wife, this was a little of an issue. While she is also confident, she didn't want to always initiate things (dates, intimacy, whatever). I knew from my previous relationship I tended to let the girl take the lead. A little work and we found a compromise. My wife didn't need to always be the one who initiated everything, and I stepped out of my comfort zone more. Point is, it may not be a big deal if he's simply shy or he's less likely to take the lead... or it might.

If you find he is interested but needs a push, just recognise that some guys need more pushing. Which means more work for you. And I think you are already getting a little impatient with his mixed signals and unwillingness to take the lead. Time for him to step up if he's interested.

So why not, in a friendly manner, try to get the answer about the invite he never accepted. If you do it playfully and in a non confrontational manner, I'm guessing you might be able to get the answer out of him.

Even no answer at this point tells you to consider him your office "eye candy" and move on. Eh. Its Friday. I don't have to be all politically correct.

You say that I need to take one more chance... Well...

The thing is, it's becoming clear that he is playing games. Now you ask me where this is coming from.

Let me tell you a little piece about my background. I'm 35 years old. Have been separated from my husband for 8 months now. We've been together for 7 years. Going back out there into a singles life is all foreign to me now. When I was younger, I never needed to play games. Now when I speak to single people they all tell me that you can't be so direct, you need to play the game. It's complicated now. And I'm not experienced at that. I'm the kind of person that usually tells it like it is and very forward. That is why I did what I did. I liked the guy and I figured that why not. But from what other people are saying, it seems that I need to be more imaginative and play the game of getting him to pursue me. When I think of all the lines I should say or the plays I should act out, it makes me feel unnatural, fake.

I have a feeling nothing will come out of this. Because if he's playing games at 40 years old, and if he's 40 and never been married, then all he is, is just a player and a womanizer. I'm hoping I'm wrong, but it's pretty clear.

So putting myself out there, and humiliating myself the 2nd time around, is definitely a No.

However, I will continue having fun at the office, just as you said, he will be my office "eye candy". And move on. And who knows what will happen? Maybe I'm all wrong about him. But he is the one who has to show it and make the move.

That's all I have to say.

It's really been great talking to you (KP2171) like this back and forth.
Thanks for the advice, support, and kind words.
Should you have anything more to say, please do.

Have a good night.
Paulina.

I don't know.

people are people. I don't buy unto the "you need to play the game" thing.

before I married, at 29, I had dated women several years older than me and several years younger than me. And people are people. The same relationship rules generally apply to my 20 year old step daughter as they did to me when I was 20, 25, 29. In fact, despite all the differences that may exist, the one place where she and I can relate is relationships. Again, people are people, period.

so... I agree he's not picking up the ball. And I agree he's flirting. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. Tho' its easy to see its getting you bothered, so I wish hed get a clue or find a pair.

but you can't make him anything he's not. Just because he's 40 and not married doesn't mean he's destined to be a player, unless you know more about him than you've said.

I can honestly tell you, if I hadn't met my wife at 28, there's a chance id still not be married at 35, not out of intentional design.

so... where does this leave you? Like I said... backing him up with one more question isn't the worst thing you could do. At least you have a more solid answer.

sounds like in your last post you kind of resigned yourself to being done with him. Completely up to you. If you want to have a little fun with him why not? If nothing else, see if you can get a friendship forged here. After all, the best relationships are really based on friendship. And all the better if he's easy on your eyes. =)

Just because a guy is cautious and doesn't fall into your lap doesn't mean he isn't interested. You never know what his story is or what he's been through. When he's good and ready he will make a move. If not... Oh well! Because he is slow and takes his time is an indication he is in no hurry and I have to agree NO HURRY!! It May not be a game to him so don't judge to quickly.

Well, I don't know what I'm going to do. Probably nothing. I'm not going to push, and let just things happen.

On Friday, I worked all alone in the office. And he saw that. But for some reason, he stayed away in his room. All he said to me in the morning was that he wants to sleep. That he is tired. "So I said jokingly, "Me to, so how about both of us going back home to bed. All he said was, "I'm right there with you." And walked into his room and stayed there quietly until his staff came in.

Later after lunch, I guess he was in a better mood or something...
Because he did something very silly to get my attention.
I was seriously working on my computer, really absorbed in something, and wasn't paying attention to anyone in the hallway, then, all of a sudden a wet papertowel hit me out of nowhere scaring me half to death. I of course jumped from my seat because he scared me half to death. I didn't expect that. And he was hiding in his office with his head popped out like a little mischief boy, watching for my reaction. He is so silly. He makes me feel like I'm back in high school. What can I say, I don't know what this all is, but he makes the office fun for me. So I guess I'm even happy for that. Who knows, maybe we will develop a real friendship and then some...

Paulina

By Paulina

Quote:

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Well, I don't know what I'm going to do. Probably nothing. I'm not going to push, and let just things happen.

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Sometimes this is the best course of action, No hurry. But you could be getting to know him in the meantime and he you. Never know what the future holds so enjoy the company and keep it light and humorous.Again no hurry.