So here we go. My Ex and I broke up about 5-6 weeks ago because I had said some things out of spite (stubborn, inconsiderate, said I would lose interest in her) for the 2nd time after telling her it would not happen again. We had been dating for almost a year and I am the first guy she has ever loved. This hurt her pretty badly. I tried to apologize and tell her I now knew how to change and pushed very hard at first. This only pushed her further away as she felt I back her into a corner (she had told me if I gave her time we would get back together, she later said she should not have said that). I asked her to hangout but she was not interested.

For the past month or so I have used the no contact approach and not initiated any type of contact with her. I have honored the break up and have made no effort to contact her. A few times over the past month she has text me about insignificant topics and I am cordial but always try to end the conversation on my terms. I have also run into her a few times and again have been brief yet cordial. I have acted like everything was OK but seemed disinterested and detached. The most recent run-in at a party (last week) we talked for a few seconds then I ended the conversation politely but her whole demeanor changed. She was upset by how I only talked to her for a minute and was drunk. I then watched her dance and make out with another guy. She then broke down and started crying saying I had ruined her life. The next day she text me and apologized. I was really hurt by what had happened and didn't know what to say and didn't respond. This happened last week and I haven't heard from her since.

Over the past month I have not spoken with her, I have gathered my thoughts and know I still want her in my life. She is acting like everything is fine but I have a feeling she is fighting how she feels. Our mututal friend said we both still have feelings for each other but she is hurt by what I said and doesn't want to let me back in. Also working against me are her friends and parents (she would tell them when anything went bad in our relationship) who both believe she should explore her other options because she is still young. She feels the pressure to do so. She is also getting ready to leave for summer break. I do not believe there is another guy in the picture. She is very stubborn and strongly believes this is what she needs to do. I am not sure what to do and often second guess myself. No contact does not seem to be working although it has only been 4-5 weeks. Any help or thoughts are greatly appreciated.

She is your ex so you need move on and let her go.

It doesn't matter if she is stubborn, she is your ex and not your problem at the moment.

Well, it hasn't really been NO CONTACT has it? She's texted you, you've replied, you've bumped into each other and you've been at the same party.

You're having second thoughts because she got all emotional at the party - being drunk does that. You're her first serious relationship, so of course she's going to be emotional.

However, it sounds as if you disrespected her, and she's not prepared to put up with that. Good on her.

Let her go on the summer break - continue no contact. Get on with your life and let her get on with hers.

I reckon it's over. Learn the lesson and move on.

You need real no contact, and plenty of it. Seriously, did you think it would be easy breaking up with someone?

Along the lines of the other people. It's time to block her out of your life. You don't need to put up with that. If you guys keep in contact, neither of you will be able to move on with your lives.

Keep in mind, nor matter how long your no contact is... the second you reconnect with her, you pretty much reset all the progress you've made.

You can only reconnect when both of you have moved on with your lives.

Thanks for the feedback. So the goal of the no contact is two fold to move on and give time for reflection to see if anything is still there?

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Originally Posted by addya

Thanks for the feedback. So the goal of the no contact is two fold to move on and give time for reflection to see if anything is still there?

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Yeah, if you keep communicating with him, it can be very emotional. The best thing to do is to avoid contact so that you will feel more objective when making decisions that will be in both your best interests.

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Originally Posted by addya

Thanks for the feedback. So the goal of the no contact is two fold to move on and give time for reflection to see if anything is still there?

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No contact is to heal, get your act together, and then see how you feel about yourself. Only then can you make better decisions FOR yourself.

This is not about her, its about you.

I read the FAQ but I'm still confused as to No Contact. You should not contact OR respond to your ex (calls, texts, e-mails, etc)? At what point do you end no contact? Even though I didn't start this until about 2 weeks ago, I'm guessing it's never too late?

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Originally Posted by addya

Even though I didn't start this until about 2 weeks ago, I'm guessing it's never too late?

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Too late for what? You should always want to get better and improve. That should be a life strategy, not a break up strategy. If your going to use it to get her back you are completely missing the point. You are to emotional to make a rational decision, you need to bring the focus back to you, which is what NC is all about.

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At what point do you end no contact? Even though I didn't start this until about 2 weeks ago, I'm guessing it's never too late?

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When you get to the point you no longer are hurting over the break up, and taken the right steps to rebuild a life without them, then your ready to make a choice, as to what you want to do with your time.

People seldom go back, nor want to, after they heal, and give it some thought, just because they are happy with themselves and the life they have worked hard to build, for themselves.

You don't respond until you can handle a conversation with your ex. My rule of thinking was, I wasn't going to talk to my ex until I could handle her talking about other guys, and by that time, she wasn't even in my head anymore

Talaniman or anybody else who has responded, how do you let go of false hope? In particular, I feel like she will one day regret breaking up, but in the short term it is holding me back. I guess I have a feeling (contrary to everything that she has said or her actions) she will realize the mistake that she has made. How do I approach this?

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Originally Posted by addya

Talaniman or anybody else who has responded, how do you let go of false hope? In particular, I feel like she will one day regret breaking up, but in the short term it is holding me back. I guess I have a feeling (contrary to everything that she has said or her actions) she will realize the mistake that she has made. How do I approach this?

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I understand your feelings, I've had them before myself. You recognize that you have valuable love and care to give and you feel like she's not being shown it elsewhere, and once she realizes you are offering it she'll come back. The problem is you are in an emoitonal situation and your logical brain is trying to make sense of this situation so you get stuck in neutral spinning but going nowhere.

You have to approach this from the perspective that it's over. You absolutely have to accept it before anything else. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's what you need to hear. Because you need to accept it, and the more you can accept it, the easier it will be to move forward. Breakups suck, we all know they do but right now, you have to trust us as we've been there before, and we are also clear minded. You have to stop talking to her, because the more distance and clarity you can put in your own mind the easier it will be for you to see that you don't really want her, you want someone to appreciate you and what you have to offer. But to find that person, you have to give up this one.

Hey addya

Ya I'm in the same boat as you man. I have thought of all the things my ex said and I seem to think of mainly the things that give me some false hope. Such as I will always love you, maybe in a month or so we can try again, Of course we still have a chance etc...

I also have thought the same thing thinking she will come to her senses so to speak and call me up and want to give it another shot.

How do we let go of this false hope?

If you really miss her and love her and want her back.. Do everything you can to get her back!!

chuff,
I understand and you make a lot of valid points. I haven't talked to her in almost 3 weeks, and have been using the advice I have been given. I still have the belief that she will realize she had a knee jerk reaction and made a mistake. That is what I mean by false hope.

Addya

Congrats on the no contact though man, that's very good for you. I wish I had been as strong. However, maybe its time for both of us to move on brother?. The gym has helped me a lot, as well as working lots, hanging with friends and new people.

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Originally Posted by addya

chuff,
i understand and you make a lot of valid points. i haven't talked to her in almost 3 weeks, and have been using the advice i have been given. i still have the belief that she will realize she had a knee jerk reaction and made a mistake. that is what i mean by false hope.

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What you need to realize is that even if she did later on realize she messed up, do you really want her back after all that? I know you care about her, but if she had to push you away to sort out her feelings, then how do you think she will deal with any more problems that come up later on in a relationship?

Maybe she changed, but chances are she didn't, at least not in just one month. But I dunno, everyone learns at different paces.

It's not about if she wants you back or not; it's about what YOU want!

~ Tee

Thanks for the strength and advice. The reasoning (at least what she told me) for the break up is that she doesn't believe I can change and have not learned from another similar fight we had. I am going on about 3 weeks of no contact (7 for the break up) and she is leaving to go home for the summer in the next few days. Although I would like to reach out to her, I'm guessing it's better to continue no contact.