Ask Me Help Desk - Extreme Jealousy with my boyfriend!

Hey, my name is Kala , I am 22 years old and have two children. I am currently seeing this guy in which he makes me very happy and he will do anything for me. He is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

The only problem we are having is the fact I am a very jealous person when it comes to him and all of his female friends.

He told me when we first started seeing each other about his numerous sexual partners and also told me who some of them were and showed me pictures of them. I thought with him doing that I would feel better and it would not bother me if he talked to or hung out with them. You see, I was and am trying to take a different approach with this relationship. And that approach is trusting him completely with no question. He is very trustworthy!

The thing with me is that I myself have tried several relationships, and they all seem to end the same way and that way is by my partner cheating on me. The main reason I feel I have became to be such a jealous person is due to the fact my kids father cheated on me numerous time with I know at least 13 different girl! AND YES I KNOW I WAS THE STUPID ONE FOR STAYING WITH HIM!! He is also the father of my two children. In which he was really never there for me or the kids. Constantly on the road with work. I thought I needed him. Going through what I did with him (someone I loved a great deal) turned me into the person I am today. (at least I think so)

When I left him I ventured out to meet new people and no one seemed right up until about October. I met this guy and we hit it off. We never fought or anything, it was great for about 2 months. I caught him cheating on me with his supposedly best friend! Left him and decided I needed a change. So I moved to a bigger city. I wanted to get away from everything and start a new life sort of.

I met this guy in which I am currently with and we have been together for three months. He is the best. We hit it off from when we said hello for the very first time. We talked for a few weeks and then started I guess as you would say being boyfriend and girlfriend. He lives with me and is home every night. He is great with my kids and cares for all of us very much.

I feel as though if I do not change, I will loose him. When e get text or calls or goes out with other females I get so jealous. At first I tried to act as if it didn't bother me. But the truth is that it was killing me. I didn't want my past to interfere with my future. I feel as though it is anyway. Before I even realize it I am going off on him like I have caught him having sexual relations with another girl but in all honesty he is very faithful to me. I feel like I am just a Psycho Jealous girlfriend. I don't want to be like this, he means a lot to me. We gt a long great any other time. He is a great friend and boyfriend, I am just scared I am going to push him away.

Is there anything I can do to fix this problem? Do I need to see a psychiatrist? PLEASE HELP!!

I agree with removing your last name. And you should tell your boyfriend that you don't feel comfortable with him talking about his once sexual partners and girlfriends, etc. I would tell my girlfriend if I didn't feel comfortable with her talking about her past relationships. I guess in a way it is normal to be jealous of that kind of thing but focus on the important thing, that he is with you now and just you. Be thankful for that!

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Originally Posted by kalacollins

[one guy] his numerous sexual partners....And that approach is trusting him completely with no question. He is very trustworthy!

[another guy]When e get text or calls or goes out with other females I get so jealous....in all honesty he is very faithful to me.

What am I missing here? Why am I confused? How can you call these guys trustworthy and faithful?

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Originally Posted by kalacollins

:confused:
I am currently seeing this guy in which he makes me very happy and he will do anything for me. He is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

only problem is the fact I am a very jealous person, him and all of his female friends.

I am trying to take a different approach with this relationship. trusting him completely with no question.

MY several relationships seem to end the same way my partner cheating on me. The main reason I feel I have became to be such a jealous person is due to my ex cheated on me numerous times AND YES I KNOW I WAS THE STUPID ONE FOR STAYING WITH HIM!!! he was really never there for me or the kids. I thought I needed him. (someone I loved a great deal) turned me into the person I am today. (at least i think so)

I feel as though if I do not change, I will loose him. I didn't want my past to interfere with my future. I feel as though it is anyways. Before I even realize it I am going off on him like I have caught him having sexual relations with another girl but in all honesty he is very faithful to me. I feel like I am just a Psycho Jealous girlfriend. I don't want to be like this, he means a lot to me. We gt a long great any other time. I am just scared I am going to push him away.

Is there anything i can do to fix this problem? Do I need to see a psychiatrist? PLEASE HELP!!!

If he will do anything for you, why not just talk to him and see if you can't work something out?

Why don't you get some girl/guy friends, and ask him to baby sit? Seems reasoable to me, as long as you're not going on any date like things, try to keep it in a group like atmosphear, and he may be wise to do the same?

That's harsh that you were treated so lame, but you need to get over that. You may be wise to forgive yourself, love yourself, know yourself, and be yourself. You may need to ask him to give you space so you can straighten yourself out, and he may not wait for you, but that's OK. You'll have confidence, sense of self, and independence. Your jelousy will still be, but you'll know how to deal with it.
Yes I think you need to deal with the past before you can have a future with out this obscured vision of yours. Your fear will tear you apart, and others will push you away, please don't do that to yourself. You seem to have a little too much pain from the past to ignore. “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”-Yoda
Yes I know it's from a movie, but it's very true.

No one turned you into who you are, you must step up and take responsibility for that, or you'll continue to struggle with this issue of your BF "making" you feel jelous. You are the only one who knows what you think, feel and why you behave as you do. It's up to you to deal with it too. A counseler, not Psychiatrist, may help you with this issue. Maybe the counseler will refer you to a psychologist. (Psychiatrist are knowledgeable in how medications affect people, and mental illness. Psychologist are more about trying to walk people through different mental illnesses that require more talking your issues out, like the guy on the coutch, or group therapy and such. They also deal with mental illnesses. Counselers are geared to just help people with life stress issues and coping managments. To a lesser extent, will help deal with mental illnesses, but more likely to refer you to some one else. Different countries, provences, states, Professionals, and people all have different takes on these views, but as I've seen generally that is what people say.) Just remember, you are responsible for your Behaviour, that includes Thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Yep, if you don't change you may loose him, but don't change for him, as you can't. You have to change for you. Take the wheel and take responsibility for your life, you are strong, intelligent, independent, and fully capable.

If you do not face your past, your future will foreve mirror it. That's why running doesn't help many people, because they are always running from the mirror, and running into the fear.

You are responding to your fears, you must deal with them, or you can not change. Your mind is wired to think this way, and until you give it reason to believe other wise it will continue to do just this.

You feel Psycho jelous? But what do you think?

“If I am not pleased with myself, but should wish to be other than I am, why should I think highly of the influences which have made me what I am?” ~John Lancaster Spalding

It may be great all the rest of the time, but people have a habbit of focusing on the bad things as they threaton to harm us in some way. It's a primal thing I believe. So you two will focus on the bad things, just like you are with your past. Ever hear of the law of attraction? Self affrimations are when you think something, whether you want it to happen or not to happen, it's what's in your mind and almost like clock work, our minds find ways to make those things come to pass. So if you say "I dont' what to loose him?" you will not even realise it, but your mind will set things up to suit the situation in sucha way that you will inadvertently give him reason to leave. Some times people just leave like your ex's, and all you can do is get up, dust yourself off. Then look ahead, and say I'm going to sort myself out, face my fears and issues form my past, and walk head long into the future with bright eyes hope, love strength, wisdom peace, and simply live my life.

Well, you may not have to push him too far away, but be honest and open with yourself, and him. Because you deserve it.

Take care. Kala, may peace be with you.

Whoah! Too much too soon, in my humble opinion.

You've known each other 3 months, he's living with you and helping you look after your 2 children. He's already told you all about his previous sexual partners and even shown you photos of them. What happened to taking things slowly?

I think that part of the problem is that you're feeling overwhelmed. You're in a new city (so you're probably also relying on him for company), and you don't really know him at all yet. You're trying to convince yourself he's trustworthy (because he's in your home with your children), but in reality you don't know him so you can't honestly make that assessment. So you're scared, insecure, lonely.

Naturally, your insecurities and fears are going to come crashing down on you and turn you into a green eyed psycho monster.

Nestorian made some very good points. Relationships are like mirrors - the things that you fear the most will be reflected back to you. Sadly, if you don't deal with your insecurities and fears you will create it again, and again, and again.

Talk to him and let him know how you're feeling. Let him know that you know you're acting a bit crazy at the moment. Get a job if you don't have one. Join a club or a mother's group, become a volunteer - try and take the pressure off him to be all the things that you want him to be and get a life of your own.

Understand that your jealousy comes from fear. Fear of not being loved, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone. If you build a life where you feel secure and supported for yourself - you'll attract and keep the relationships that you want.

Next time, if there is one, please take it slowly.

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I feel I have became to be such a jealous person is due to the fact my kids father cheated on me numerous time with I know at least 13 different girl!

Quote:

I met this guy and we hit it off. We never fought or anything, it was great for about 2 months. I caught him cheating on me with his supposedly best friend! Left him

Quote:

I met this guy in which I am currently with and we have been together for three months. He is the best. We hit it off from when we said hello for the very first time. We talked for a few weeks and then started I guess as you would say being boyfriend and girlfriend. He lives with me and is home every night. He is great with my kids and cares for all of us very much.

Seems you have a pattern of jumping from man to man very fast before anything can really be learned about them. That can't be good. I think your way to needy on a fellow and have become to dependent on having a man in your life. That where I think is the bottom of your jealousy issues ans you feel threatened when they are not there.

Is there someone like an experienced trusted older person you can talk to? You need guidance through the process of unpacking your emotional baggage from the past, and giving yourself time to heal, and work on your issues, that will make a healthy, happy relationship really hard.

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When e get text or calls or goes out with other females I get so jealous.

Going out with other females?

I think most women would frown on that .I know I don't allow dating outside of my relationship.

You have known him for a very limited amount of time and he is already living with you. That makes me wonder why you know how trustworthy he is.What do you know except what he has wanted you to see?

Compared to the cheating previous BF he may seem like a catch but it looks this way from my standpoint.

You were ready and willing to accept any guy to fill a void in your life.

He needed a place to stay and so he is showing you what he thinks you need to see while still dating others.

You should not have to settle for anything you do not want in a relationship to keep that relationship together.

If you do not want him seeing other females ,you should tell him that is not something you are willing to accept.

Do not ever settle for second best simply because you are lonely and want a guy in your life.You are setting yourself up for heartache when you allow that.

Honor yourself and others will follow.