My boyfriend and I have not been together very long. Long enough to have sex, short enough to still be getting used to each other.
He and I have about the same number of sex partners and about the same experience level. Meaning we aren't virgins but aren't at the other end of the spectrum opposite of virgin.
The problem is this, once we started having sex he stopped doing the extras (that I feel are part of regular sex) such as touching me, kissing, general affection. Since this wasn't acceptable to me I spoke up and said something. At first his answer was "you'll get that eventually". Kind of a weird answer but OK, I'm willing to accept it for now.
His idea of foreplay is to masturbate until he gets an erection and while he does kiss me (I can never get him to french kiss me) he doesn't lay a hand on me. I'm not over exaggerating here he doesn't touch me at all other than the kissing.
Sex, except for two time, always is in the missionary position. He isn't open to trying others (especially me on top), won't let me use a vibrator while we have sex (not something I always want to do but I do have a hard time having an orgasm and would like to get off occasionally), doesn't like it when I move when we have sex (serious wants me to just lay there), and while I've repeatedly voiced my concerns (and he has acknowledged what I've said) he isn't willing to change.
All of this doesn't feel right to me. I'm wondering how much is it that he is just more conservative than me when it comes to sex, is it that he doesn't really know what he's doing and just doesn't to hide that, or is he just a selfish lover.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore. When we do have sex he is responsive to my touch (noises at the right moments), he makes beautiful eye contact (something I haven't gotten very much of), talks, and for the most part the act itself is emotionally intimate (I don't need an orgasm to feel intimacy).
However, his "you'll get it eventually" answer has become the only thing he says when I bring up any concern now. While I'm fine with masturbating to get an orgasm (despite what he thinks, my is of no concern to him if he refuses to play with it) I'm not OK with such closed mindedness and dismissal when I'm bringing up a valid concern of mine. I just want to be listened to and to have my boyfriend touch me instead of himself before we have sex.
Can someone either older or wiser or both please tell me what is going on?

This is an interesting pickle...

Is there anything in his past that may clue you in as to why he holds this certain perspective on sex?

Granted, I'm not saying that sex is the most important part of a relationship, but I do think that in certain cases, it can be a deal breaker.

I'm actually on the phone with a female friend of mine, and she flat out said, "Don't give him any until you get your way, or at least until she listens to you."

As a guy, the latter advice is a bit harsh, however, I do agree to a certain extent. Sex is something that you both should enjoy, and meet somewhere in the middle. I suggest you sit down and have a serious discussion about this, and if he brings up the whole, "You'll get that eventually (what the heck does that mean anyway? Like...for holidays?)" then I suggest you discuss what that means.

To me, it seems that he may have a problem with security and possibly a different view on sex where he expects it to be the man's responsibility.

Good luck.

To me it sounds like he is most concerned with his own pleasure and less concerned with yours. I wonder why this is so? It sounds as if he can only be aroused by direct stimulation to himself and pleasuring you somehow distracts him.

I would suggest he's an ignorant and selfish lover, but I could be wrong. It doesn't sound as if he cares much about your enjoyment - does he come from a culture where women aren't supposed to enjoy sex?

I think that the first thing you should do is talk to him - but rather than telling him what you don't want him to do, put it in terms of what you really like. Perhaps ask him if he's interested in what you like? I'd even stop having sex for a while, and tell him that 'he'll get it eventually' once he starts to do some of the things that you enjoy.

Ultimately, I think that you should trust your intuition on this one. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't. Sex is like any other part of a relationship. For it to work well it should involve communication and reciprocity. No communication, no reciprocity? Let it go.

Use this as your opportunity to run for the door.

He's the self centered type in bed... and he isn't likely to change, for long anyway.

Have you tried having a serious talk with him about this? Aside from while you're having sex? I wouldn't put up with this at all. It does sound like he's completely selfish in one way or another. He either cares more about himself, or he doesn't feel the need to give you any explanation. That's not fair to you.

Talking might only yield a temporary reprieve... but he will return to his former habits as its his real nature. But not before she wastes more of her life with him. Short of a life changing event (such a near death or death of someone close to him) he isn't going to change for good. Its human nature.

This a major personality trait... not a minor thing in an otherwise attentive peron that might chage a little.

This is the crossroads for your relationship.

You tried having an open discussion about the issue but he didn't. Instead he gave you a confuse and questionable answer. He didn't change anything and it doesn't sounds like he wants to or going to anytime soon.

My only suggestion will be for you take charge and if that doesn't work then it time for you to figure out what your going do. Stay or leave!

Sex is an important aspect to a relationship. Without it I couldn't be someone especially if the guy isn't making an effort to change.

If he has had sexual partners in the past, regardless of what type of person he is, no doubt he's lost other partners for the same reason.

He's not having sex with you, he's having sex at you. It takes two, not one, to make sex a mutually gratifying part of the relationship.

I'm suspecting that he cannot perform any other way other than to masturbate to get himself hard, then finishing the job with you as you said. Maybe he has some sort of problem with erectile difficulties?

He knows what he's doing with his little routine and how he wants you to respond to him. If he cannot do things any other way, he's got a problem with sex. Period.

If he doesn't give you some honest explanations as to why your needs are ignored, and he has such an unusual way of doing things, then consider it something he does not wish to change.

Alarm bells are ringing!! Sounds like he is a dud in bed-move on!


The "eventually" concept is a good one. Tell him you are the taxman now, you need yours NOW! If he can't provide, then you delare him bankrupt-also known as a deal breaker-move on. Find yourself an attentative lover not a self-centered non-exciting partner-Life is too short to lay there, get no good feelings and to get told that your orgasm is not important.

Sorry, but he is bad news.

Well... I try to stay out of other peoples bedrooms... meaning only you can decide what is OK or what isn't for you... so any advice I give is what I have learned from personal experience and talking to others...

In the end, you own the decision you make...

m'kay... well... I can honestly say that one lover (im talking about women here) can be very different from the next, but one of the most common themes I've found is the power of sensual touch.

The time taken to sensitize a woman's body with skin on skin... attentive, patient touch... this has been one of the most important things I've learned... and it isn't intuitive.

For ex... when down on a lover, I once thought no sounds, no moans, no movement meant I was doing things "wrong"... and sometimes I was... but a man often doesn't understand the slow, sensual buildup that might be needed... and it took me soooo long to be able to trust that, if I took my time, and was deliberate and controlled, that the woman would often respond very well..

Now... it didn't hurt that I've usually dated women who were strong, confident, and willing to push me against the wall to get what they wanted. Communication is key.

But his response to you... I think is telling... a woman on top is often one of her most powerful positions. Why would he deny you that?

The use of a vibe or self stim during intercourse isn't for everyone, but I'm glad you are open to this. Self stim with intercourse, in my opinion, is one of the sexiest things a woman can do (she just won't be denied) and is one of the most important things she can do to reach orgasm... there are many positions I love that my lovers would never have really enjoyed to the end unless they were willing to reach down.

I wish all women were as aware as you are about your own needs.

I wish he wasn't so closed minded.

Seriously... what guy wouldn't think a woman pushing herself to orgasm wasn't sexy?? Apparently this guy.

So... you know where you are.

Unfortunately, you get to make the next move. Own the decision. He seems to be comfortable doing things his way, and so far you done the "something is better than nothing" line...

I understand. Been there myself. Hell, maybe I am there right now.

I'm not going to fault him for having specific likes or dislikes. He gets to own them.

But it might mean you aren't quite right enough sexually to make things all you want them to be... overlap concerning sensuality isn't all there is to a relationship, but I consider it one of the five basic needs of a relationship... and if that need isn't being met, the others better be rock solid for you to stay.

Short answer, and I never give it and walk away quickly, is I think he is being selfish. I don't know why. Is he inexperienced with what a woman needs? Just because he's been with others doesn't mean they have taught him anything. Is he just self centered and not willing to bend to your desires? Don't know...

I wish you weren't going through this. I wish he knew how good it can be to be with a woman who knows her needs and is willing to ask for them to be met.

Whatever you choose, please don't stop looking out for yourself first.

A giving lover will learn from you... even if it isn't perfect. A selfish lover will just use you.

Best wishes

Kind of a update. I've tried talking to him about it. The whole thing just kind of blew up. We didn't fight or anything, we just don't do that. Shortly afterward he got me very worked up (it's not that he is bad at foreplay he just doesn't do it) and wouldn't make love to me. We've only had sex twice since the talk, the first time he didn't and didn't seem all that into it (making me feel horrible for trying to make him do something he doesn't want to) the second time was no different from the other times except it was so quick (absolutly horrible I felt really used). Now everything has pulled back to where I'm touched even less (I didn't think that was possible), I'm not having sex, and while he isn't jacking off in front of me anymore he's just started asking me to do it. Since I can give a handjob without being sexually aroused myself I've been doing this. Some of the frustration is gone because he's taken that part off the table. So in a round about way the problem solved itself. Even if I'm not happy with the solution, wondering what is wrong with me, and wish I was more attractive so he would want me. But a solution is a solution I guess.

The SOLUTION is LEAVING the jerk.

It's NEVER going to get better. You're going to be frustrated and lonely, and your self-esteem is going to eat itself from the inside out if you don't leave.

You deserve better than being his sex slave.

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Originally Posted by lynn1981

Even if I'm not happy with the solution, wondering what is wrong with me, and wish I was more attractive so he would want me. But a solution is a solution I guess.

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This isn't a solution. Not a sustainable one. Not one that will bring you joy.

And I don't promise a lot of things when I give advice, and I don't like to be in peoples bedrooms, but I can pretty much promise this...

If you stay, you will regret it. You are wasting emotional energy and collecting sexual baggage that would break an elephants back. Been there myself. Hate to see someone else make my old mistakes.

It isn't your fault that you trusted a guy to be more giving.

But basically he "forbids" or denys you a lot of the things that many women (or men) need... and it DOES NOT GET EASIER over time.

A good relationship takes work. Sexual health often requires both partners being willing to connect, to listen, and to pay attention to one another. Usually there isn't perfect overlap, but this guy isn't even on the same planet.

I don't care what else this guy has to offer you, he is at best clueless and possibly cruel. It isn't just about an orgasm. Its about sensuality. About feeling connected. About feeling love through physical touch and deliberate intention. Its about another person reaching out to you because they need you... need you to be happy, connected, and to feel their joy in being with you.

And an orgasm or two along the way certainly doesn't hurt.

The sooner you remove a controlling, passive aggressive jerk from your life, the better.

Whether it happens now, or two months, or two years from now... it will likely happen... and you'll wonder why you put up with such meanness.

Again... it isn't your fault you found a dud. It isn't his fault if you choose to stay.

In retrospect, I've been with extremes as well... a good woman who was almost completely sexually incompatible... and a sexual "goddess" who was bad for me in many other ways. Neither extreme had the balance that gave the relationship lasting power, and I was relieved when both relationship were over.

Doesn't mean it was easy or it didn't hurt. But really... your ties to this guy aren't strong enough to make you suffer this kind of noise.

I don't know how old the both of you are, or how long you've been together, but he is sexually immature, and/or may have a sexual dysfunction as I've mentioned before.

Because he is unwilling, or unable, to see that there is a problem with that part of the relationship, you have to consider how it is affecting you, and that beyond the actuall sex shortcomings, yourself esteem and confidence is suffering.

Because of the way he reacts when you try to talk to him, makes me think that he's had this conversation before with other partners. He shuts down, and nothing is resolved.

Beyond the actual sex, he is not taking responsibility for this problem. I don't believe in a million years that he doesn't realize he's got a problem.

Why would this be any different from any other major problem in part of your relationship. The key here is why he is unwilling to recognize and deal with it.

His unwillingness and total disregard (at least outright) for your concern, is very unhealthy for a sustainable relationship. If he cannot communicate, or will not communicate, then what alternatives do you have left.

Before you just dump him, try setting some expectations. Tell him (or write out a letter if he won't talk about it, or an email), of your concerns, and put the responsibility where it lies- on him. Tell him you expect that he will start with a complete physical, and speak to a doctor about his problem. Give him a time limit.

I would hate to see you discard a perfectly good mate because he has a problem. IF he does go, and there is a problem that can be addressed, this may very well turn around for both of you.

I also don't think one should cut and run when things aren't quite right... people get into ruts. It happens... and if you aren't willing to walk now, I think the suggestion that you put your needs down on paper is a good idea. Powerful stuff, putting pen to paper.

Looking back over the OP'ers posts, I think she's tried to communicate, and her last paragraph breaks my heart.

I'm having a hard time seeing the "perfectly good" in him. Id want much more from my lover, for a friend, or for a sister.

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Originally Posted by lynn1981

My boyfriend and I have not been together very long.

...I spoke up and said something. At first his answer was "you'll get that eventually".

He isn't open to trying others (especially me on top), won't let me use a vibrator while we have sex (not something I always want to do but I do have a hard time having an orgasm and would like to get off occasionally), doesn't like it when I move when we have sex (serious wants me to just lay there), and while I've repeatedly voiced my concerns (and he has acknowledged what I've said) he isn't willing to change.

However, his "you'll get it eventually" answer has become the only thing he says when I bring up any concern now.

I just want to be listened to and to have my boyfriend touch me instead of himself before we have sex.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by lynn1981

I've tried talking to him about it. The whole thing just kind of blew up.

We've only had sex twice since the talk, the first time he didn't and didn't seem all that into it (making me feel horrible for trying to make him do something he doesn't want to) the second time was no different from the other times except it was so quick (absolutly horrible I felt really used).

Since I can give a handjob without being sexually aroused myself I've been doing this. Some of the frustration is gone because he's taken that part off the table.

So in a round about way the problem solved itself. Even if I'm not happy with the solution, wondering what is wrong with me, and wish I was more attractive so he would want me. But a solution is a solution I guess.

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