Wow! Blow me over! Yeah I know she is 14, we have all been there! She doesn't get her way so she screams: I HATE YOU!! Why are you my mother?? What did I ever do to deserve YOU?
What do I say to that?? You lost the parent Lottery...
I need to find out what is really going on... I rarely say no, but when I do, I mean it. Then she blows up and screams and cries like a spoiled rotten bratt... What can I do?

It really depends.

Are you a good mother? I've told my mom I hated her because in reality she wasn't a good mother.

If it's because you won't let her go out or do something then it is just juvenile behavior.

Perhaps you should try talking to her with a councilor, pastor or even a therapist.

You said you rarely say no. I'm thinking you let this kid step on you quite a few times...

Sarah

I am gulity of saying the things your daughter said to you to my mother a number of times as a teen because I didn't get my way and didn't like the rules.

I said it out of anger and saw a lot of teens being able to do the things I couldn't. Like dating, hanging out late, etc. But when I grew up and became an adult I realized the friends I had as a teen were able to do those things because most of them came from broken homes or parents or parent that didn't give a damn. Or the parent wanted to be their friend instead of a parent because they thought their child would like them more but they forgot parenting comes first.

The things I said to my mother was out of anger and she knew that and I apologize later for the mean things I said.

When you're a teenager you sometimes think you know everything but you don't. You don't rules you want freedom and you think your freedom is being taken away because you can't do what you want.

So don't let her words bring you down and know the things being said is out of anger.

I hope you come back and provide more information on your situation.

Whenever I said to my mom that I hated her, I'd automatically start balling. I had a very different relationship with her that most teens don't have. By 13 I was already telling more to my mom than I'd tell any best friend. My mom spoiled me in my opinion for the first part of my life, but I don't think I became much of a brat. The only reason I could see her saying that is because she feels she's not getting what everyone else appears to be getting. Maybe she has other friends that are spoiled. She maybe feels that you don't understand her because you are saying no. Teens are so strange nowadays. Don't reward the behavior. Chances are, there is a good reason you said no to something. She'll have to learn why and she'll appreciate it so much and you'll hopefully be closer from the things you denied to let her do.

I said this to my mother several times when I was a teen. The best answer for it I have ever come up with, was teens are not really saying 'i hate you' so much as they are saying 'I HATE WHAT YOU ARE DOING'

Teens have a lot of emotional turmoil and their hormones are going very crazy. Its hard to sort all of their feelings out into mature conversations. What they really want to say is 'mom I really don't agree with what you are doing, I think we should do it this way... ' but their emotions get so caught up in it, and anger becomes the most prominent emotion. In their eyes, YOU are the cause of the problem, there for they must hate YOU.

I remember, when I was about 9 or 10, my Mom didn't let me do something that I wanted to do and I yelled, "I HATE YOU! I bet you're not even my mother! You ADOPTED me! My REAL mother would let me go!"

I've never forgotten her response. She just looked at me, teared up, and turned away.

That, right there, cut out my heart... so much, that I remember it 20 years later.

I yelled that at her because I was mad that she wasn't letting me do something. Mad that she said no. Mad that I didn't get my way.

It sounds like (as you said) you rarely say to no to your child. This could be part of the problem. Kids/teens have to know that there are boundaries, that you have rules, and there are things that - even though they are not "wrong - are not allowed.

That's the "why."

I'm not a parent, so I can't really offer any suggestions on what to do now, but at least I could help with why I said it!

Hope that you are able to make this better.

Sometimes when people are angry that purposefully lash out with something hurtful even if we do not mean it. Chances are we've all been guilty of this at sometime or another.

When I was little I remember saying to my sister "I HATE YOU! I wish you would fall off of a cliff!!"

Did I mean it? No. Since my sister did die do I regret it? More then ever.

Perhaps you can try just talking to your teen about it whenever she's not in an emotional state.

Well I'm sure that did really shock you but lets not forget when you are 14 u want to get away from the house they want to explore what's out there and if you don't let her then she going to tell you that she hates you cause she going to think that you are just being over protective... but I do understand you trying to be a good mom and just trying to make sure that she isn't doing anything that she isn't suppose to be doing... but the one thing that you have to have is TRUST that's one thing that you need in a mother and daughter reationship that you need and if you don't try to gain it... like another person had said you might want to consider therape it could actually help... but if the situation get a bit out of hand then I think you might want to calm that down and make sure that she doesn't think that she is grown cause some teen do and then they start doing grown-up things that they should not be doing... but I wish you all luck and try to do your best...

I like your response "You lost the parent lottery" I might use that.

Remember being 14? I was madly in love or filled with hatred. I was totally excited or engulfed with rage, stressed or practically in a coma from boredom. Its like being bipolar and don't you remember "Everyone else is allowed to do it, its so unfair" She knows everything, and you're retarded right? Its just a new phase.

I think that the best answer to your query is - don't take it personally. (For all the reasons other posters have described.)

Maintain whatever boundaries you've put in place for her health and well being - and if she doesn't like it - too bad. You're her mother, you're the adult, you have the duty of care.

As for the tantrums - ignore them. Leave the room and don't engage in an argument (easier said that done I know!).

She'll respect you for it in years to come.