A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too! "

Lmao, awesome.thanks.

Lmfaoooooooo holy crap that is just wrong on so many levels lmfao lmfaoo!

I am glad the two of you enjoy the joke like I did.

I hope she told him where the giant economy size jar was!! LMAO!

So farking funny. It was hilarious.

XD XD XD XD XD LOL. That one gets a, "Hey chicka Bum Bum!" from Caboose. Haha.

LIz your sense of humor is terrible, and I find it positively hilarious. Haha. I think you may even be worse than me?

I'll be back... ;)

Ok, this is kind of funny, but a bit long. But, it's me so don't be too surprised.

Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were just cleaned
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
==================================================
KEEP READING…
==================================================

Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

"http://www.funnyandjokes.com/why-married-couples-dont-have-sex.html"

Hope you like it Liz. XD If I find a better one I'll let you know.

Ok last one.

"This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!”

We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It's such a beautiful day… We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked."

Same site.

Nestorian your crazy! Both of the jokes you posted were funny. I love to laught that's why I love Comedy Central and funny movies. I love Wil Farell, Adam Sandler, Martin Lawerence, Wayne Brothees, and Ben Stiller.

Lmao,those were awesome as well,thanks.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by liz28

Nestorian your crazy! Both of the jokes you posted were funny. I love to laught that's why I love Comedy Central and funny movies. I love Wil Farell, Adam Sandler, Martin Lawerence, Wayne Brothees, and Ben Stiller.

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Oh don't for get, Jim carry, geroge carlin (Stuff on you tube), Jeff Dunam (is that spelled right?:rolleyes:), Dane cook, Dave cheppel, Eddie Izzard (carful he's a trany. No really he is, but funny.) YouTube - Eddie Izzard Star Wars Cantina He's a little cooky, and then there is Ray stevens. Oh funny, Jeff foxworthy, the kids in the hall (YouTube - Kids in the Hall - Hairdo sketch they are a little weird.), Flight of the conchords (YouTube - Flight Of The Conchords - Jenny) is funny too.
Oh how the list doth go on.

Oh yeah, and if you just are really made at the world, go watch a Foamy the squril rant. Haha. Yep, I'm crazy. :rolleyes: but what can you do eh? ;)

Wow, and here he thought that he was going to try and 'help' his wife... such wasted chivalry... funny...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mazak

lmao,those were awesome as well,thanks.

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Any time. :p

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligée.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F*¢k him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by liz28

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F*¢k him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

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Now that was funny Liz, tricky.

Aha great jokes liz!

Sarah

Fricken Hilarious. Still laughing at all of them!

Loved the original post the most!