My husband has a son that lives with his girlfriend on the east coast. That son is graduating next month from college. My husband and his ex and their other teenage son are all going out there for the graduation. We can't afford another ticket for me to go. Besides the son hates me, blames me for his parents marriage breakup (we've been together 6 years now, and no I didn't break up their marriage, that came first) He hasn't ever spoken to me, he doesn't visit our place when he visits here, my hubby goes to his ex's for all visits. Now this graduation, while I don't fault my hubby for wanting to go, the sleeping arrangements are up in the air, it seems that there is one spare room at the son's apartment, he says that "probably" he will sleep there with his teenage son, or not... he doesn't know, he'll see when he gets there how things work out. He has cheated on me with her before, about 3 years ago, he swears nothing since, but they have a very friendly relationship, that I, in my gut, just don't trust. I need advice on how to deal with this. He says he has no desire to sleep with her, but you know, when the whole family gets together, (she seeing someone too, but he's not going either), its just I'm afraid the familiarity of it all will be too tempting.

This is a tough call. I'm not sure, but it reeks of him casting doubts onto you. Never a good sign. And he's already cheated on you. I don't think I could really trust someone after they have cheated on me. But that's just me.

Are there any other red flags? If everything else is good, they you should trust him, but surely there is more in your gut that is causing you not to trust him. What else is there? I made the mistake of not following my gut with my ex, and she ended up breaking up with me. My gut told me something was amiss, but I didn't listen.

Following your gut is usually a good idea.

Its hard to trust a cheater, period.

He might very well be faithful. He might not. I wish I had some magic words for you. If you force him to a hotel room, well that doesn't exactly prevent him from fooling around. Perhaps being at the sons apt is really the best place for him.

I would hope that, despite the fact that his relationship with his ex is good, that this weekend is about his son, and not his libido.

And you might just have to bite your tongue some until it bleeds. You're the bad guy if you accuse him of something he hasn't done (this time). You're left with the anxiety either way.

A heart to heart with your husband is about the best you can do. Maybe someone else will have a better answer.

Well - all I know is women's GUT instinct are about 97% of the time accurate.

Massive trust issue here. Massive red flags.

"He has cheated on me with her before, about 3 years ago" - and why are you still with him?? That would/should be a complete deal breaker for me. This guy has no boundries.

I have an old saying here - most agree with it - a couple don't - BUT, I've NEVER seen ot not be true - EVER:

ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER.

Unfortunately your husband doesn't respect you and your wish.

You MUST have trust and respect in a relationship. He doesn't give this to you it appears.

You don't trust him. Personally, I feel you should have left him 3 years ago - AND, obviously he NEVER explained thinsg properly to his son - another massive red flag.

I see no respect on the part of your husband to allay the fears you have as to his cheating with his ex. The fact he dismisses it after the fact of his previous cheating is a gigantic red flag and I'm not sure what to do about it other than talk openly about it. I think you should have saved up to go with him and stayed in a hotel.

Yeah, Cat's concern about the sons attitude bugged me too. Granted, you cannot make someone else feel something or not feel something, as in the son might hate you regardless of what the dad says... but I hope the dad has been nothing but supportive of you in front of him.

Yes - I don't like at how he handled/handles things with his son - his sons attitude comes straight from him.

I think this guy is a lot trouble.

Yeah he's going to cheat on you. I know because I read this...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by drummersgirl

He has cheated on me with her before, about 3 years ago

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If you had dumped him 3 years ago then you still wouldn't be going through the emotional rollar coaster today.

Unfortunately yes. Just lots of red flags here. I see why you need the advice.

Thank you all, wanted to let you know that we had a long talk, talked about all sorts of issues relating to trust, it was good.. As well... believe it or not, the ex called me and told me not to worry, (she figured correctly that I was having issues with the trip) she can't imagine ever having sex with him again... not exactly affirming. However, all that being said, I AM going along out east, come hell or high water we are going to scratch up the money. For my own peace of mind I need to do it, besides I've never been there and I will play tourist, while he is busy doing his stuff with his son, but we will be in a hotel together each night.
Thanks again, I ended up with a warm and fuzzy feeling of kinship when I read the posts.

That is wonderful, I am glad that everything worked out in your favor! :) Have fun!

That's great you talked. Communication is KING. You can't hold this stuff back going forward.

I would never trust his ex for as long as you live. She did it to you once.

Your husband MUST talk with his son and set thing straight - this muct be done.

Yea!

This is the "ending" we always want and never see.

I say "ending" because you know this isn't a done deal. He cheated, and you have reasonable issues trusting him.

The fact that they seem to be trying to accommodate you is a good sign. And that you were able to talk to his ex about it is a good step forward.

I hope the trip goes well, and that your husband continues to be thoughtful of your needing reassurances and needing to trust him.

Yes, glad you're going on the trip - I think for MANY reasons you must.

I may have to change my opinion of your husband. The fact that you were able to talk and he must have listened, bodes well for this relationships future. Keep COMMUNICATING.

But he still needs to sit down and talk with his son. Se the record straight.