Family at war, this is disturbing.
Sorry to take a me moment from you all.
I am 59, that's pretty old and well within the dying zone.
I was born into a family of father born in 1907, mother born in 1910, sister 1935 (march), brother 1947 and myself in June 1950. We moved from the family home a few times and ended up in N/E London when I was 6, at 7 my sister married, the first time we went on a family holiday after that, my mother told me I was sleep walking and said she had to tie me to the bed to prevent me from sleep walking, this continued as a nightly exercise until I was 12/13 years of age, she also made me wear rubber pants. Sometimes I was tied to the loft hatch naked and beaten with a leather strap, sometimes my dad would pull my pants down and use the same belt on my naked buttocks.
At fourteen I had a huge fight with my mother as she tried to force me to have intercourse with plastic sheeting fixed over a wooden box, she said she wanted to show me what sex with a woman was like, In the ensuing fight she stabbed me with a table fork and I still have the scar on my stomach today.
I'm missing loads out here but basically, they wanted to control me, broke up relationships visited girls parents and turned me into a loser in life, I tried to tell a lady at the secondary school what was going on at 12 or so and she said we don't want to talk about things like that.
In 1998 my father told me he wasn't my father.
In 2000 he died aged 94, at his funeral my sister told me I was the son of the lodger at our first home back in 1949. She named him told me he had died and that he owned a ranch in new Zealand, I questioned my brother and he said he thought I was my sisters child, either fathered by my lodger father or by my real father who had been abusing my sister.
My sister is totally neurotic and treated my father like a deity. None of her family has ever contacted me. She has two children one born when I was 13 the other when I was 17, my mother died of lung cancer when I was 19. I then had to shop for the family do the washing and ironing and housework
None of my family have contacted me or spoken to me since 2000.
I have had two breakdowns since and I am currently being treated for PTSD. In my first job a fire broke out on the second day there and killed three workers, I was saved by being pushed down a flight of stairs. I have pyrophobia ad anxiety disorder.
I think having been married twice it is time for me to contact everyone I knew back from the 50's to the present day and ask them what they were told about me.
Relationships have been ruined I have attempted suicide three times, I self harmed by pushing sewing needles through my testicles, I am almost impotent, I like being tied up, performing oral sex and now my second marriage is almost over.
I have two sons one 19 and the eldest 20, the youngest thinks I am weak and shouts at me often. Despite drugs I spend most morning retching into the sink. I have panic attacks, Bursts of anger and abuse people using words and phrases that I do not know where they come from.
All I have is a SIRS worker, and CBT to look forward to sometime in the future.
I have started drinking whisky to oblivion, I can not work and in fact have not since 2006.
I would like to meet a new love, a soulmate, and find happiness just once for myself, but how?
