Hi,

I am in a relationship with a person who is my best friend. He understands me. I am very happy whenver I am with him. I find that we both are perfectly compatible. Our interests match , we like doing similar things. We both want similar things from life. Even our professions are the same. He really helps me at work.

I can discuss with him anything under the sun. Even the fact that I am not that attracted to him. He doesnot fit the characteristics that I have in mind for my husband. Even when we started dating, I was never attracted to him but I loved his company. We both have amazing fun together. We travel, watch movies, discuss work and also some crazy stuff.
This is how we entered into a relationship. But whenevr he would pop up the question of marriage, I would start thinking ke whether I should marry him or not?
How would my family and friends react to after looking at us together? I always feel that we don't look nice together and this makes me look at couples around me. The moment I see a goodllooking couple, I start comparing ourselves with them.

What should I do? Should I ignore the shallow things - his looks and get married to him as I know he would keep me happy and would be there for me. Or shall I call it off(its really hard for me as I love his company- he is my best friend) ?

Please help?

Well you have answerd your own question but brought up a new one. You know it is shallow and you know you shouldn't worry about it but also if that is somethig that you think you need from your husband it might result in you cheating. It is very hard to find someone who completes you and satisfies your every need but this man seems to be a keeper. He shows all the right signs for a guy to have a strong relationship with. The choice has to coem from yourself and you have to be sure, otherwise you might ruin a preciouse friendship and cause unnecessary pain. You said yourself that it is shallow to worry about the looks but it is not something I personally would worry about. If it was about looks you would just live your life with good looking users who will leave you when a prettier girl walks past.

There is always plastic surgery...

In all honesty, looks fade eventually. Both of you will get old a wrinkly. If you enjoy his company and are happy being with him, than why should looks matter?

I mean is he THAT ugly?

Is it better to be with someone who treats you well but does not measure up to your standards, looks wise? What about someone who looks like a magazine model and a complete a-hole?

I have only dated someone I didn't find very attractive once and to be honest it was the best relationship I've ever had.

My situation was similar to yours we had the best time together and we were best friends.

When it finished I dated girls who I considered very attractive and I hated how shallow they were, then I realised I was just as shallow. Since then looks have never been my main priority.

Flip it the other way, how would you feel if your boyfriend said to you he wouldn't marry you because you're not attractive enough? I don't know about you but it would break my heart.

I don't mean to sound like the shallow dude here, but I would have a hard time getting married to someone I didn't find attractive. That is one of the FIRST things you notice about someone, and anyone who denies that is lying through their teeth. You get married to him and you will spend the rest of your life wondering or asking yourself if this was the right thing to do... looking at other couples... feeling awkward at social gatherings being seen with him. It is what it is, and I am sorry, but if you don't find him attractive, I find it hard to believe a valued and committed relationship will last long term. He deserves someone who genuinely finds him attractive, and you deserve someone whom you are physcially attracted to, period. And attractive is a relative term. There are many people I find attractive that my friends don't.. and vice versa, but to me, it isn't shallow to want to be attracted to someone. And being attractive doesn't mean that he/she is shallow or not very intellegent. I am fairly smart and I am not shallow (I don't think I am).

Just my opinion. Let the onslaught of "shallow" comments proceed... :cool:

One question:

How is your sexual relationship with him? Do you enjoy it- do you close your eyes and imagine someone else and is it always dark?

I believe that if your sex life isn't right it'll eventually spill all over the rest of the relationship.

Sarah

Shallow Shallow Shallow... I have been with plenty of guys that I didn't find physically attractive, I even married one I like personality over looks looks fade darlin

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Originally Posted by nitelight198073

Shallow Shallow Shallow...i have been with plenty of guys that i didnt find physically attractive, i even married one I like personality over looks looks fade darlin

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I just find it hard to call someone who values attraction shallow. So is it shallow to want someone with a decent education too? Or, is shallow in terms of things we judge that people can't control?

I value attraction myself, and I don't think it is shallow. I have NEVER called someone ugly, and I realize I am not the best looking guy on the market, but I usually have to be somewhat attracted to someone before I consider dating them long term. Guess everyone is different.

If his looks are that big of a deal, don't marry him. But is it fair to keep him around as a friend, when you know he wants more than friendship? I really don't think so. That would be shallow, and selfish.

There had to be something attractive about him for her to start the relationship in the first place... at least I would hope.

Attraction doesn't always have to be about looks.

For guys, it's different. Most of the time we are more attracted to how a girl looks than girls are to how guys look. That's how nature intended things to go. I'm not saying that girls don't go for looks either, but it definitely factors in much less in their choice of a partner. I'm also not saying that that is all guys go for either, but there is definitely a difference between men and women.

If looks were much more of a factor than than they are for women, I would be single till the day I die.

Like the every other guy on the planet, the way a woman looks is the first thing that peaks my interest. It is what I find out later that determines if I want to pursue anything further.

So I guess I can go along with what KC and Tal are saying. If you're not attracted to him, and this is a big deal for you, it best to end things before you get in too deep. You may loose your friend in the process, but at least you will know you are making the right decision for the both of you.

Let someone else see past the looks.

Honestly and I am sorry but this is my complete opinion. Being attracted to someone is a part in the relationship.. I couldn't deal with being married to someone for the rest of my life and not be able to look at him.. He may get old and wrinkly but hey.. He'll be a hot old guy to me. XD But it's your call I suppose. Not everyone believes the same as me and I understand. I have found a guy who I thought was attractive and when I got to know him he became even more attractive. Maybe the same applies for ugly guys. Meh

Either way if you have to ask this question, you shouldn't marry this guy. You need to be 100% committed to each other in order to make a marriage work.

Yes, you can get married to someone you don't find goodlooking, or you can get married to someone you do find goodlooking. If you want to get married to the first person who asks, well, then your choice will be limited.

I personally could not marry some who I did not find attractive.There has to be some kind of physical attraction.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I don't think it is shallow to want to be physically attracted to someone. I think it's NECESSARY for a healthy sex life.

I agree that you have to have a physical attraction, a sexual connection and if it is not there, it will cause problems and you will be doing you both a disservice.

Sounds like you have a great friendship. Depends on what you want.

Usually if you have to ask "should I marry him" then you already know the answer.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

I just find it hard to call someone who values attraction shallow. So is it shallow to want someone with a decent education too? Or, is shallow in terms of things we judge that people can't control?

I value attraction myself, and I don't think it is shallow. I have NEVER called someone ugly, and I realize I am not the best looking guy on the market, but I usually have to be somewhat attracted to someone before I consider dating them long term. Guess everyone is different.

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yeah a person that values mental attraction or attraction to personality, but when it is implied that someone doesn't want to marry based on him not being goodlooking enough is shallow... I would rather be in love with a man that is not so attractuive and he has a good personality and makes me laugh then to be with someone that know they are goodlooking and no personality,and on top of that usually full of themselves... (steps off soap box) thank you








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Knowing how HE feels about you, why even date him, if he isn't good enough to marry?

If you cannot deal with a potential partners' less than perfect aspects, don't get married.

But don't be mad, when he wants to find someone who can.

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Originally Posted by nitelight198073

yeah a person that values mental attraction or attraction to personality, but when it is implied that somone doesnt want to marry based on him not being goodlooking enough is shallow.....I would rather be in love with a man that is not so attractuive and he has a good personality and makes me laugh then to be with someone that know they are goodlooking and no personality,and on top of that usually full of themselves.... (steps off of soap box) thank you



9

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I agree with you on the mental attraction and personality. Looks fade.

A marriage will never work based on looks alone, just like a relationship based on sex usually never works.

There is so much more, a person's character, life-style, etc. etc.

I think the OP just does not feel that sexual chemistry/physical attraction. I think that must be present . That is what distinguishes a friend from a lover.