My son is 22 years old and is addicted to alcohol and drugs. My husband and myself have tried every which way to help him we even tried him in a rehab.He is in trouble with the law because of his habit and he knows he has couple court dates coming up but he still continues with his habits.My husbands cousin offered to help my son by enrolling my son in a near by community college he did not behave at his house too.He started to drink in the house.Me being his mom came here to take care of him. I drop him and pick him up from school but he is still buying alcohol somehow or the other even though I do not give him money. This was supposed to be his last chance. The only advice I am getting from everyone is that he needs to be on his own or else he will never realize his problem.He is seeing a psyciatrist and he is diagnosed being bipolar. Even her advice is to let him go.I want to know as to what should I do.

Him being a bipolar and drinking alcohol and doing drugs is nothing more than a train wreck waiting to happen. Bipolars cannot consume alcohol or do illegal drugs period as it really messes their already misfiring brain up even more. He somehow needs to be totally cleaned up of the alcohol and drugs and the only way that will or would happen would be in jail as rehab never seems to help those kind of folks effectively kick their addictions. If he is using drugs on top of the alcohol I can probably guess he's out of control a lot of the time as well happily trashing anything that belongs to someone else.

You need to read up on bipolars to really understand your son's problem and then make whatever decision you need to make then after being more informed about him. Just seeing a psychiatrist is fine and all, but frankly they don't really "do" anything for your son but sit and listen and judge. They do not offer any information to your son how to act, how to love, how to function in the real world. It's just a waste of time as whatever money spent seeing the shrink is obviously not working.

I don't know if you are in a big city or not, but if you are there may be a psychologist who specializes in bipolars in that city that you could consult to see if they could work with him and have him realize that his drinking habit and drugging habit is literally frying his brain even more and he will never be normal and live a normal life if he is not clean and sober.

Also just another bit of info for you that you may or may not find interesting. Bipolars react differently to sugar than normal folks do. It makes them get out of control very easily if they consume several sodas and eat candy, etc. The consumption of sugar can really exacerbate a bipolar's symptoms as well. Also junk food like pizza has just about the same effect on them.

My 48 year old mother just got out of rehab for the 15th time in the last 13 years. It is a difficult battle when you love an addict.

I would highly recommend Al-Anon which is a support group offered all over the United States for family members of Alcoholics/Addicts.

It is hard to watch, but you son has to find his rock bottom and he won't find it while you are helping to cushion the fall.

You need to kick your son out. All you are doing is enabling him. When I was 18 years old my mother kicked me out of the house for the same reason. That was the best thing that she could have ever done for me. I had to hit rock bottom before I changed my ways, plus I got pregnant at 18 as well and that made me change too. You need to make him leave your house, he is 22 years old. He can go get a job and work to support himself. I have been supporting me and my daughter for the past four years all by myself and I am 23. When he has to start having responsibilities, maybe he will change. I know that it was different for me because I got pregnant and I had to change for my child, but I am sure that if he is homeless and has no place to go and no money to get alcohol or drugs, he will turn to someone to get help.

You need to show him tough love right now, I know that it is easier said than done, but you need to cut the cord. You need to tell him your rules and if he can't follow them then he needs to get out. My mother did the same thing to my brother when he turned 19 and he straightened up. Sometimes it is hard to show your child tough love and you think that you are doing the wrong thing and being a bad mother, but it sounds like your son needs to grow up and all you are doing is enabling him.

I agree with Justwantfair about the Al-Anon classes, I have attended them and they have helped me a lot. Your son will need to hit rock bottom before he climbs back up to the top. One day he will get tired of living this life and want to change his life around. I wish you nothing but the best and I will pray for God to give you the strength to do what you need to do.

You can't help him until he is ready to help himself plain and simple. Oh and I agree with everyone on the post

There is NOTHING and I mean nothing you are going to do that will help him, until he is ready to help hisself. This may mean hitting bottom

As a parent who also has a daughter who has lived through addiction issues, and mental health issues, I urge you not to give up on him.

For someone with bipolar, untreated, is hard enough. Add addiction to the mix, and as someone said, it is a train wreck waiting to happen.

If it is at all possible through your psychiatrist, or your family doctor to have him admitted to a facility for a psychiatric assessment, and possibly detox. It is difficult to establish 'balance' with medications for bipolar, without him first being clean.

Don't be afraid to speak directly to a judge, to have him consider the possibility of an NCR designation, (not legally responsible) in order to have him sent to a psychiatric hospital, instead of jail. Without some sort of intervention, he will go through the legal revolving door. He is not a criminal, he is mentally ill, and he is addict. I did exactly that, and they listened, ordered a psychiatric evaluation, which had her admitted to a psychiatric hospital for a month.

Get legal advice as to what you can, and cannot do. It is possible to have status established as an alternate caregiver, which would allow you to make decisions for him that he cannot, or is unable, to make for himself. I did this. It's not easy, but it can be done. The requirements for this are different from place to place, consult with a lawyer.

Get the yellow pages out and find the nearest drug and alcohol agency. Make an appointment and go in yourself, and tell them everything you have told us here. They will be able to advise you and offer concrete information. You are not alone.

It is a difficult position to be in as a mother. But, I can only advise what I know, and have experienced myself, and that is, find out what options are available to you, and do what you can.

I wish you luck in helping your son, please post again and let us know how you've made out.

Maybe try an intervention of some kind and tell him it is not acceptable and you won't stand for it anymore or watch him hurt himself. I don't think you need to let him go but you should maybe tell him that there will be changes and if that means you can't speak until he's clean then so be it. I know it's hard my son went through it and when I threatened that he couldn't come home or I wouldn't speak to him he went and got the help he needed and has been clean almost two years now! Keep faith that he will do the right thing!

My 24 year old cousin graduates from a christian based rehab in 2 days. He was in trouble with the police for drugs. His mother enabled him a lot, then he lied to anyone else who tried to help him clean up. The only thing that has helped him so far was staying in the rehab with no contact for months from any family, unless they saw him at church through rehab, or at recovery meetings. It took 4 months for even a slight change of attitude, then the breakthrough came. It can't be done, in my opinion, in 30 or 60 day treatment centers. As I said, over 4 months just for an attitude change, before any real progress could be made!! He needs rehab, and you need for your family al-anon, to help yourself learn how to help you AND him be successful!! We, the family, have to learn how to not enable, and to strengthen ourselves, have peace, love within limits, detach with love, and how to help them help themselves without guilting ourselves to death. Check one out in your town!! Two others ahead of me suggested al-anon, good advice! Go and keep going, it works!

I would just listen to his therapist... Let him go. The only way he will stop with the behavior is to let him live and learn. My brother was the same way. But everyone was helping him and getting him out of trouble. We all got fed up with his behavior and stopped helping him. He eventually straightened up and started doing right. Now he has a job and his own place. So you aren't helping him by helping him. You are only being his support. So what ever money he gets he spends on his habit.

He is Bipolar first, with addictions concurrent to that, or in addition to.

Only a psychiatrist can help treat the first situation, and only then will he be evenened out enough (for lack of a better phrase) to tackle the addiction proplems.

There is no guarantee that he will go to a doctor, or if he does, take medication if it is prescribed which it probably will be. Also no guarantee that any type of addiction counselling will be taken seriously by him.

Especially if everybody gives up on him. I would say now is the time to rally support, encouragement, and love. He's going to need all he can get.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

He is Bipolar first, with addictions concurrent to that, or in addition to.

Only a psychiatrist can help treat the first situation, and only then will he be evenened out enough (for lack of a better phrase) to tackle the addiction proplems.

There is no guarantee that he will go to a doctor, or if he does, take medication if it is prescribed which it probably will be. Also no guarantee that any type of addiction counselling will be taken seriously by him.

Especially if everybody gives up on him. I would say now is the time to rally support, encouragement, and love. He's going to need all he can get.

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I am in a similar situation with a 20 year old bipolar son. I know he drinks and occasionally smokes pot but not sure to what extent of either. When he was 15 and 16 he became addicted to over the counter medications (the ones that were eventually moved from the floor and you now have to ask the cashier for), and pain medication. I believe he finally managed to kick that but I'm still concerned with bipolar and he's not on medication that even moderate use of drugs and alcohol can create a monster.

My son's therapist too told me the best thing I can do is get him out of my home. I'm in the process of doing that now (some of you have read my own posts regarding that) not only for my son but for my own peace of mind.

I know it's hard though, he is your son and you love him. I don't know about your son but mine seems to have the emotional maturity of a 15 year old kid and I wouldn't dream of kicking out a 15 year old kid to fend for himself. However the therapist told me that he might never grow up until he is forced to do so, i.e. not living at home or being supported by mom and/or dad.

As much as it hurts we may have to watch our kids hit rock bottom without rushing to pick them up. My biggest fear about kicking out my son is that he'll see it as abandoing him and I might never hear from him again. But I told him that the only thing I can offer him unconditionally is love. Anything else I give him will have "strings"... if he needs my help he has to be accountable both to me and himself but if he wants a handout or a free ride just because he is breathing, he's out of luck.

Oh and to coment on his chance of success kicking the addictions in a jail setting, I'm not sure about that. My son spent quite a bit of time at juvenile detention facilities and long-term correctional program and told me later that people managed to smuggle in alcohol and drugs on a regular basis (even some parents were sending stuff to their kids!) I'd imagine it would even worse in an adult facility.

Best wishes and good luck to you, your son, and your family. Please keep us posted!

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Originally Posted by BlueMoodsNJustin

I am in a similar situation with a 20 year old bipolar son. I know he drinks and occasionally smokes pot but not sure to what extent of either. When he was 15 and 16 he became addicted to over the counter medications (the ones that were eventually moved from the floor and you now have to ask the cashier for), and pain medication. I believe he finally managed to kick that but I'm still concerned with bipolar and he's not on medication that even moderate use of drugs and alcohol can create a monster.

My son's therapist too told me the best thing I can do is get him out of my home. I'm in the process of doing that now (some of you have read my own posts regarding that) not only for my son but for my own peace of mind.

I know it's hard tho, he is your son and you love him. I don't know about your son but mine seems to have the emotional maturity of a 15 year old kid and I wouldn't dream of kicking out a 15 year old kid to fend for himself. However the therapist told me that he might never grow up until he is forced to do so, i.e. not living at home or being supported by mom and/or dad.

As much as it hurts we may have to watch our kids hit rock bottom without rushing to pick them up. My biggest fear about kicking out my son is that he'll see it as abandoing him and I might never hear from him again. But I told him that the only thing I can offer him unconditionally is love. Anything else I give him will have "strings".....if he needs my help he has to be accountable both to me and himself but if he wants a handout or a free ride just because he is breathing, he's out of luck.

Oh and to coment on his chance of success kicking the addictions in a jail setting, I'm not sure about that. My son spent quite a bit of time at juvenile detention facilities and long-term correctional program and told me later that people managed to smuggle in alcohol and drugs on a regular basis (even some parents were sending stuff to their kids!) I'd imagine it would even worse in an adult facility.

Best wishes and good luck to you, your son, and your family. Please keep us posted!

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I agree completely as much as it hurts you need let him go. Not meaning to give up on him completely but just set limits for yourself on how much you will do for him. If he lives at home kick him out. This will force him to grow up. He might hit bottom but he will eventually pick himself up. Just be strong and stick to the limits that you set for yourself. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do. Everyone on here has had good advice it all depends on witch one you decid to go by.

Get your son to look at this list of questions, I'd like to hear about his reaction... and yours as well.
Good luck and hang in there!

- Do you have a familly history of drug or alcohol abuse, depression or manic-depressive illness?
- Are you moody?
- Where you considered an underacheiver in school?
- Do you have trouble getting motivated to do things?
- Do you drum your fingers a lot, tap your feet, fidget or pace?
- When you read do you find you have to reread a paragraph or entire page because your daydreaming?
- Do you tune out or space out a lot?
- Do you have a hard time relaxing?
- Are you excessively impatient?
- Are you impulsive?
- Are you easily distracted?
- Even if you are easily distracted do you find there are times when you have super focus? LIke when you are actually interested in something?
- Do you often get excited about projects then not follow through?
- More than most, do you feel it's hard to make yourself understood?
- Do you procrastinate chronically?
- Do you smoke cigarettes? Find it impossible to quit?
- Do you drink too much?
- Is your memory so bad that if you go from one room to the next to get something you forget what you where going after when you get there?
- If you have ever tried cocaine, did you find it helped you focus and calmed you down rather than getting you high?
- Do you change the radio station in your car frequently?
- Do you wear out your TV remote changing chanells?
- As a kid, where you called words like, "lazy, daydreamer, clumsy, bad, disruptive"?
- In intimate relationships is your inability to linger over conversations make things hard?
- More than most people, do you hate waiting in lines?
- Are you the one that throws directions for everything to the side? You'll figure it out!
- Do you have a quick temper?
- Are you constantly having to watch yourself so you don't blurt out the wrong thing?
- Do you like to gamble?
- Where you extremely active as a child?
- Are you drawn to situations of high intensity?
- Do you often try to do the hard things, rather than what comes easy to you?
- Are you particularly intuitive?
- Do you often find yourself in situations without having planned them at all? (Ha Ha, story of my life!! )
- would you rather have your teeth pulled than make or follow a list?
- Are you constantly promising yourself to get organized and get your life together only to find that you are always on the brink of caos?
- Do you often find that there is an itch you can't scratch, an appetite for something more in life, your just not sure what it is?
- Would you describe yourself as hypersexual?
- Are you sometimes more flirtatious than you mean to be?
- Did you grow up in a chaotic family?
- Would you consider yourself to be an addictive personality?
- Do you find it hard to be alone?
- Do you often counter depressive moods with some sort of potentially harmfull compulsive behaviour? Drinking, drugs, sex, overeating etc..
- Do you have a really hard time tolerating frustration?
- Are you restless without "action" in your life?
- Do you find yourself obsessing over irrational worries?
- Do you frequently make letter or number reversals?
- Have you been the driver and at fault in at least four car accidents?
- Do you have a hard time reading a book all the way through?
- Do you handle money erratically?
- Do you find that structure and routine are rare in your life, and soothing when you find them?
- Do you struggle to maintain self esteem?
- Do you have poor hand - eye coordination?
- As a kid where you a bit of a clutz... now?
- Have you changed jobs a lot?
- Given an unexpected amount of free time do you often find that you don't use it well or you get depressed during it?
- Are you more creative and imaginative than most people?
- Is paying attention or staying tuned in a chronic problem for you?
- Are you usually eager to try something new?
- Do you find you often get depressed after a success?
- Do you feel you have failed to live up to your potential?
- Are you particularly restless?
- Where you a daydreamer in class?
- Do you have trouble accurately assessing the impact you have on others?
- Do you tend to approach problems intuitively? (Are you lead by your emotions?)
- When your lost do you tend to feel your way along rather than look at a map?
- Do you often get distracted during sex even though you like it?
- Did you have frequent ear infections as a child?
- Are you much more efective when you are your own boss?
- Are you much smarter than you have been able to demonstrate in life?
- Are you particularly insecure?
- Do you often forget what you where going to say just as you where about to say it?
- Are you claustrophobic?
- Have you ever wondered if you are crazy?
- Do you get the gist of things quickly?
- Do you laugh a lot?
- Did you pay attention long enough to read all this?. hehe

And these are a few others I've come across in my search!

- Do you find yourself waking up most mornings with a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach... a feeling like something is wrong, a feeling that a sadness is tugging at your core and you just can't for the life of you figure out why?
- Do you feel a disconnection from friends and familly? Gets worse over the years?
- Do you find you have trouble being comfortable in social situations?
- Do you feel as though the world is against you at times?
- Do you have a feeling of being different than others? Find yourself studying people to try to figure out what it is your missing?
- Do you find you have isolated yourself from friends and familly over the years? And your not completely sure why?
- When certain sounds are made... snuffing, smacking gum, eating(smacking), ticking clock, etc... Do you find your anxiety level go through the roof? Like in a split second your brain feels like it's going to crack or split because of that surprise noise? Have you always wondered why you reacted so strongly to these noises? Did it ever make you feel weird or crazy?
- You loose more hope by the year because every time you pick yourself up and dust yourself off and promise yourself that this time you will try even harder only to be met with dissapointment and failure once again?
- Do you find that you are missing parts of your past as you get older? Can't remember details you know you should?
- Do you find that you are always trying to fix things in your life?
- Do you have a hard time not obsessing over certain thoughts?

Never give up on your child, and don't let anyone else tell you differently. This garbage with "tough love" has our streets full of lost loved ones. It simply doesn't work. There is only one instance I would suggest you not be fully involved in finding an answer for your child (and in fact finding peace for yourself as well) and that is if there is violence involved. Then you must consider your safety first... you cannot help your child if you are harmed.

But I have to tell you, from experience... this "let go" stuff is a myth so people don't have to feel guilty about throwing their children in the gutter even if they are willing to wallow there.

Hi ANB428,
My husband texted me and had me go on and read your answer specifically. My son is 21 and had is first DUI in February of 2009. He is on probation, attended AA classes, alcohol education classes,has major fines, community service and lawyers fees. He was 20 when this happened so the punishment is far more severe. He was on the Mass Turnpike going 91 miles per hour and drunk out of his mind! Swore to us that he would never do that again because sitting in a holding cell at the state police barracks was enough for him. Well he did it again, I know big surprise! We've had to disrupt our lives to cart him everywhere and I found him a full time job to pay for his mistakes. He swears he's not an alcoholic because he doesn't think he fits the profile. I am signing him up for an intensive outpatient addiction center that came highly recommended. If he refuses to go then it's time to do what you said to do! Your absolutely right he has to hit rock bottom to feel the pain and to stand on his own to feet. Thank you for your comments and suggestions because you did help me. Be proud of yourself for making a better life for you and your daughter and stay close to your mom who loves you. LAA Massachusetts

I love you mom... Sorry.

Just tell him he will not do drugs or drink in your house if he doesn't agree to these rules then tell him he can no longer live in your house and tell him he has to go somewhere else. He's 22 years old he is old enough to live on his own and pay his bills and work. Set rules for him if he breaks them kick him out on the street. I am sure being homeless will teach him a good lesson. Tell him either he obeys your rules or leaves.

I have same problem with my son. He is alcoholic. He does not drink for long time and when he has one sip he could not stop for eight ten days. He is binge drinker too. Doctor prescribed him wellbutrin for depression. When he drinks he become functionless. We tried everything to help him but nothing is working. I am reading here enabling. Please let me know what is enabling. How we can kick him out when he becomes functionless. I need advice for this situation.

I suggest that you encourage him to benefit from the non-profit St. Jude program, which has a certified success rate of 62%.

http://www.soberforever.net/vara.cfm