Ask Me Help Desk - I want him to be with me!

Hi,
I have know my ex for around 9 years. We went to university together and went out for 1 year, he left me due to some issues with his family. It took me years to get over him. We have remained friends for all this time, and he has always been interested in me and visa verse. When his family situation resolved he asked me to be with him and marry him, last year. I was not sure and I have made him wait for about 7 months until I was sure he would not mess me around like last time and hurt me again.
Now after all this time, he turns around and tells me he doesn't know how he feels and that he needs space, and is fed up with everything and wants to be alone. He tells me that I put negative feeling in his head, and that he's confused about us as he thinks it might not work and that we won't be happy?
I can tell you we hardly ever argue, our relationship has been good. I'm not sure why he's doing this but he's broken things off with me. Hes told me I shouldn't ring him all the time and that I should move on and find someone as he feels bad for wasting my time all these years. He also said that he knows he won't find anyone else like me and the connection we have. I asked him if he wanted to be with other people and he said he just wants to be alone and doesn't want to get married. What should I do as I do really want to marry him and I'm sure he's the one, but now he's changed his mind?
After telling me not to call often, he has called me after 1 week, and he spoke to me like nothing happened and didn't discuss our relationship at all, he was asking me how I was, what I was up to? What does he want?
What should I do? I've not contacted him as I'm giving him space. Please advise the best way to get him talking to me again?

I strongly hope you leave him alone and build your own life.

For whatever reasons he gave, his feelings have changed, and he is the only one that can change them back.

Nothing you can do, but leave him be.

I just thought that I'd summarise what you've said about your relationship with this guy:

1. You've known each other 9 years but only had a relationship for a year.
2. You broke up because he had family issues.
3. Last year he asked you to marry him (after a long break it seems)
4. You felt uncertain and waited 7 months to give him an answer.
5. Now he says he's uncertain, doesn't want to marry and has broken up with you, but still rings and talks to you.
6. You say you really want to marry him, and that he's the one.

I don't understand how you can believe that there is a 'connection' here. You don't argue, you say, but you don't seem to communicate either! You certainly don't understand each other - otherwise why would you be playing the silly witholding games you describe?

Is this how you envisage a relationship with someone who is 'the one'?

My suggestion is that a first course of action is to have a long, honest talk with each other - and if you can't do it without playing childish games, then do it via a professional counsellor.

The key to good relationships is honest communication, and this involves putting aside fantasies and dealing with the reality of what is.

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Originally Posted by zarah_81

It took me years to get over him.

Exactly. Are you willing to go back to square one and risk having him hurt you again and than take a few more years out of your life to get over him? I know I wouldn't. Once someone hurts me, the trust is gone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zarah_81

When his family situation resolved he asked me to be with him and marry him, last year.

Out of no where? So fast? I don't think he knows what he is doing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zarah_81

Now after all this time, he turns around and tells me he doesn't know how he feels and that he needs space, and is fed up with everything and wants to be alone.

Give him space. If he wants to be alone, let him be alone. Usually when someone tell you they don't know how they feel anymore, it means the relationship is over.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zarah_81

He tells me that i put negative feeling in his head, and that hes confused about us as he thinks it might not work and that we wont be happy?

When one says that, they doubt the relationship which leads to an unhealthy relationship. No you don't put negative feelings into his head, he puts it in there himself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zarah_81

I'm not sure why hes doing this but hes broken things off with me.

More reason why you should move on. He's doing this because he doesn't know what he wants, you should be with someone that does know. Or he doesn't want to tell you face to face he doesn't want to be with you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zarah_81

Hes told me i shouldn't ring him all the time and that i should move on and find someone as he feels bad for wasting my time all these years.

He's telling you this because that is what he want to do, and he is telling you to do the same.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zarah_81

He also said that he knows he wont find anyone else like me and the connection we have.

That's such a typical line. I bet most people have told their ex that. It is not true, he will find better and so will you. You won't know till you get out there.

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Originally Posted by zarah_81

I asked him if he wanted to be with other people and he said he just wants to be alone and doesn't want to get married.

He's not ready for commitment.

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Originally Posted by zarah_81

What should i do as i do really want to marry him and im sure hes the one, but now hes changed his mind?

Nothing you can do but disappear from his life and rebuild yours and do things for yourself
And the things you want to do and be happy without him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zarah_81

After telling me not to call often, he has called me after 1 week, and he spoke to me like nothing happend and didn't discuss our relationship at all, he was asking me how i was, what i was up to? what does he want?

He wants to be your friend. He wants to know what is going in your life and if things are still cool between you guys. If you feel like you can't be his friend and it hurts too much to be, than you need to let him go and don't contact him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zarah_81

what should i do? ive not contacted him as im giving him space. please advise the best way to get him talking to me again?

You should move on. The relationship is clearly over. You can't get him to talk to you. It ll just show desperation. If he loves you, he will contact you and let you know. Until than, don't contact him and move on with your life and don't expect things to be the perfect dream you want it to be.

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
Helen Keller quotes

“What I am looking for is not "out there", it is in me”
Helen Keller quotes

“Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.”
Confucius

“Respect yourself and others will respect you.”
Confucius

The best way to get him talking to you, may be to make him dislike you. But it doesn't seem like you'd like the results.

It's your life, feel free to live it.

Thanks to all of you for your advice. I spole to him the other day, and he's really unstable in his life right now, he said he doesn't want to drag me into his mess. What I didn't tell you is that he has a really really weird family situation and has been doing a lot for his family. Right now he's lost, so that's why he doesn't want anything right now. Im going to leave him alone and talk to him as friends if he needs to talk.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zarah_81

thanks to all of you for your advice. I spole to him the other day, and hes really unstable in his life right now, he said he doesnt want to drag me into his mess. what i didnt tell you is that he has a really really weird family situation and has been doing alot for his family. Right now hes lost, so thats why he doesnt want anything right now. Im going to leave him alone and talk to him as friends if he needs to talk.

If it hurts you to talk to him as friends, than don't even bother talking to him at all. You should do what is best for you and it's a horrible life to live in constant pain. If it doesn't, than by all means go ahead.

You've gotten some good advice here. How will you use it?

A point to consider: If you are sure that he's the one, how do you know? I would question the part of you that feels that way. He's very divided in himself and nowhere near ready for a healthy relationship. You must know that. Where are you headed?