I just have a question; kind of general...

Is falling "in love" and being able to stay in a relationship with that person for life just a fantasy? Does everyone get the chance to marry the person they fall in love with? I'm talking about being with the person who gives you butterflies whenever you see them & has the personality and chemistry to back it up? Or is real lasting love more about the person who is the most practical and has most of the qualities that make a good stable mate? I wonder this because so many people chase their dream person, but rarely get them & then end up with the person who works best for them. Usually they wait most of their lives and people constantly say not to settle, but at some point in age if you haven't found that right person or it hasn't worked out for some reason; people would still like a mate to grow old with. Then many people cheat because they found the attraction and chemistry in someone who is not available, or its too late because you have already built a life with someone else.

So my question is... is it realistic to spend your whole life waiting for the "dream" or "perfect person" ( whatever that may be to you) to come into your life? Or is that idea just a fantasy most of the time?

It's hard to say, because while everyone has their "dream person" it seldom ever works out. I once had a crush on the prettiest girl in school, thought she was the girl of my dreams. Only to date her and find out all she had was looks. Dream spouses are the ones you end up with. My fiancé now, beautiful and smart but had I stuck to my original "code" I never would have been available to her because she has 2 kids. I gave it a chance, and yes I do still get butterflies when I see her.

It's really tough to say who's our dream person. That's why most people try so hard to chase or keep the person that they are with. We constantly ask oursevles, could he/she be the one? There's just no way of knowing. Even after a 25 year marriage you could get divorced.

I think that instead of searching for that elusive dream person. I would call it borderline "greed". If we find someone special, we should be happy that we found them. Happy that we can find someone to share our lives with.

We are constantly looking above and beyond that we forget the things and people right in front of us.

Megan Fox is my dream girl, and I am sad to say it just won't work for us... that's life though... guess Erin Andrews will do.

It's hard to find anyone, especially nowadays, who will be willing to work with you on maintaining a relationship. In the past, most people were able to accept their roles when in a relationship, so sacrificing for the other person and the relationship was probably easier because there were not so many avenues for people to find love/relationships elsewhere. But over the last ten years or so, with everyone wasting their lives on Facebook and other social networking sites (among many other options, e.g. TV, etc.) they become exposed to other peoples "digital personas" and start to question their own lives, thinking that everyone is much happier than they really are. This eventually leads to frustration with what they have because the perception we have of other people, what they do, what they have and how happy they are has become completely fabricated and untrue.

It's just too easy to pick up and go nowadays and chase a dream or "find yourself" because of the wealth of options available, so long term relationships, especially for subsequent generations will become a thing of the past and extremely rare/abnormal. Then, when people reach a certain age, they decide to finally shack up with whomever they are with at the time, regardless of compatibility because the demands and expectations of life dictate that they must, and so begins their downward spiral towards divorce and breakups.

To answer your question, I think it is totally a fantasy to expect to stay with anyone for the rest of your life, to expect the person you love to love you enough to stay with you, etc. Relationships are up and down, in and out of love, but stay long enough and you'll fall back into love, if you want to try (within reason though, abuse/infidelity etc are no reason to stay). Today, when you're in the valley, out of love or whatever, all you have to do is poke someone on Facebook, sign onto eharmony or whatever dating/hookup sites, and you can easily jump ship to the next doomed relationship. People aren't necessarily chasing love today, I think most people are chasing a lifestyle they can be proud to display as their "digital persona". This modern day mentality is definitely undermining meaningful relationships.

Agree or disagree, but remember that I am speaking in generalities and maybe I'm trying to predict the future here, but the seeds of what I'm speaking of have definitely been planted. There are certain demographics that are not exposed to this lifestyle of "have it all right now" or whatever you want to call it because the internet wasn't always around for them. Now basically everyone who is in their early teens and up has grown up on the web and it's just another appliance like the fridge or dishwasher. They can see what they want, talk to whomever they want and get almost whatever they want at all times. This includes relationships, sex, love, whatever. We need to recalibrate what we can expect from people now. There will always be exceptions to this, of course. But with so many people involved in relationships they aren't happy in even now, what does all this mean for the future? The exceptions will be long term meaningful relationships.

I know, I know I sound like a completely cynical a--hole! And I am! Hahahah! Just want to see if I can get people talking.

There is no such thing as a dream person, except in our own heads. If that stops you from being happy with what your doing, and who your with, that can't be healthy, I don't think.

For sure we shouldn't settle for bad behavior, or things that make us feel bad, but why not be open to what is in our lives, and see if we can't deal with it, and explore where it leads?

Forget fantasy, reality says being willing to work together, to build a healthy, happy life, is what we want anyway, and no matter who you get with, you better be able to work together, or it ain't going to last.

Thanks everyone; interesting answers so far
Keep em' coming! Lol

If you constantly think that there is someone better out there or constantly searching for the "one", then you will never be satisfied. What a difficult life to live.

Be happy with what you have. Anything extra is a bonus!

But isn't that the definition of "settling"?

It isn't settling. It's being content if you already have something good and working on it to make it better.

Fact: There IS someone out there better suited to a relationship with you than the one you're with. Even still how do you know that they're willing to be with you? Maybe they think there's someone better for them and they don't want to "settle" for you. This is the vicious circle most people find themselves in. I think that in my last post I kind of tried to give a reason for this behaviour and mode of thinking.

Settling is being with someone, just to have someone, and are not happy with.

Itried -

Yes, I agree with you on that one. That is what I have been experiencing, and I guess I was looking for some answers and opinions. The perfect guy is in my life; has been for years... but I feel that is how he looks at me. I am with someone now who I have grown to love; but I know who my "perfect" man is and we are still in contact ( not cheating though) because when you find that person, or that "one" its hard to walk away & you at least want to keep them around as a friend; even if they do have the "I can get better" syndrome. So I guess in essence what I said was true, it is a fantasy to find & be with that perfect one for you. Yet, some people luck out, but its rare...

What's rare is people actually appreciating the things they have in their life without looking on the other side of the fence for a better lawn..

What's even more rare is people not taking the easy way out and working on things they have to make them better...

I am not sure how you can completely dedicate yourself to one thing when a piece of your heart is still with someone else.

Can I ask questions in this thread related to another poster's comment? This feels like a discussion thread. What do you think Kia?

I know we aren't suppose to post questions in a thread discussing someone's relationship if it isn't helpful in solving their relationship dilemma. Since this is a discussion thread, I thought it would be okay to ask a question.

If not, let me know and I'll post in a new thread.

In relation to kctiger's post, "if someone doesn't know how to make things better in a relationship, what does that mean?"

To Talaniman's post, "if the spark or chemistry starts fading, should both partners try to rekindle the flames or should they say that they just don't have the right chemistry and should move on?"

I would encourage the true romantics to wait for their "fairytale romance." I almost married a man that I fell out of love with. It started so promising, I had butterflies and everything was rosy. After the first year, the passion faded. I just thought it was the natural maturing of our relationship.

I'm glad that I dodged that bullet so long ago. Instead of being in divorce court, I am in my own fairytale right now. I have been "crazy in love" with my boyfriend for over a year. He was worth the wait, and I truly believe that we will be "in love" for life.

The dream person, the one, the soul mate - essentially it's all the same thing.

It's usually a fantasy that we've created in our own minds about what another person has to have in order to make US happy. You see, that's the rub - we think that someone else should make us happy.

That's why we fall into relationships so easily, and fall out of them just as quickly because we put the onus on the other person to meet our needs for emotional, physical and spiritual connection.

Instead of looking within ourselves for these things we seek them in someone else - the dream, the one, the soul mate - the knight in shining armour, I guess.

I think it is possible to meet your prince/princess charming and live 'happily ever after' - but it's rare because most of us are not prepared to put in the work required on ourselves. We look outwards and think that he/she must be out there, I'd be so happy if I could find them... instead of looking inwards, letting go of expectation and being happy with what we have.

You see, what we have is perfect for us at this moment in time. So much of our energy is wasted and drained pining and hoping for what we don't have.

If our minds are constantly in the future dreaming about our fantasy, then we can't be in the present creating it.

The thing I've finally realized in life you could have it all right in front of you, someone who loves and cherishes you respects you, but our human greed will still look for something we think it's better when it's just a fantasy.


I know first hand, I had a great girl, treated me with respect, loved me, had so much in common but I gave it up because someone who looked better and I thought I would be more compatible popped up, only to realize months later, it was just a fantasy I had what I always wanted but my stupid greed and thinking I could do better got the best of me. And I'll be kicking myself till the day I die.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Fredj88

The thing I've finally realized in life you could have it all right in front of you, someone who loves and cherishes you respects you, but our human greed will still look for something we think it's better when it's just a fantasy.


I know first hand, I had a great girl, treated me with respect, loved me, had so much in common but I gave it up because someone who looked better and I thought I would be more compatible popped up, only to realize months later, it was just a fantasy I had what I always wanted but my stupid greed and thinking I could do better got the best of me. And I'll be kicking myself till the day I die.

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I like what you had to say here, Fred.