Ask Me Help Desk - Risking my relationship of 2 years, due to lack of trust

I am currently 20, and my boyfriend has just turned 23, we have been together for 2 very happy years and not much I can complain about... apart from one thing... my lack of trust in him...

He has got a serious job (police) and has settled down from going out at least 2 times a week, to once if at all. I genuinely think he is appyseeing me and staying in with me, like we do every nigh. It is only very rarely that I do not se him in the evenings.

My big worry here is that this coming bank holiday weekend (UK) the Sunday night is better than the Saturday in our local town. He has invited around 10 of his work mates over, mixture of boys and girls, as as his parents are away for the weekend, has invited them to stay at his house.

He has never ever given me a reason to doubt trust in him, and I am not aware of any girls texting him whilst I see him or ringing, or even private messages on Facebook.

My issue is that he is a geek deep down (which I love him for) but put him in front of his mates and all he can say is "lets get trashsed!" he is also very bad for showing off when with mates.

I am worried he will go out this next weekend, get wasted and be like "sod the girlfriend" and as he has a free house, either take a random girl back, or his class mates all have a big sexual session amongst them. I am also worried if the lads meet girls out they will want to take them home, in which case his house will be surrounded in women.

I know I get so paranoid, and this will be the first time of him going out in about 2 months, so I think that worries me even more. If I was not in my exam times I would go out, but I know it would be purely just to spy on him... he knows I lack trust in him, and he says he is more than happy with me, and does not need or want anyone else, but I cannot help but think differently when I know he will be getting very drunk!

please help me out!

If he's never given you a reason to doubt his loyalty then why start now? I would suggest giving him the time and space to enjoy the company of his friends.

Give him the opportunity to prove himself to you. It may be a stressful evening for you but as long as he stays faithful and true then perhaps it will help you build a stronger foundation of trust which will lead to a much stronger relationship in the end.

Knowing is better then not knowing and spending all of your time fretting, isn't it? If by some chance he does prove your fears right then at least you will know you can't trust him.

One way or the other, give the man a chance.

This is my issue though if I am not out how will I ever know what he is up to. He could text and say he is home but is he really? Then I still have the issue of not knowing how many girls they take back and what they do to them?

Sounds like you really need to work this out with him. If you really trusted him, you wouldn't worry about him going to the party.

You can't control his actions. You got to let him live his life. You can express your concern to him so that he can keep it in mind. But the fact that you have so many doubts, it already means the trust is broken. Just a thought, but it sounds your lack of trust didn't start just from this party.

I honestly think your getting to carried away, before anything has happened, or I missed something along the way.

Okay from what I gather you are being very possessive put yourself in his shoes if you were having this party with all you male/female colleagues from work you wouldn't give a toss and more to the point you would probably get mad at him for doubting his trust in you so please don't start looking for something that isn't there.

You cannot follow him around and make sure he will never cheat on you if he does he does there is nothing you can do about it its completely out of your hands but in this case I seriously doubt that he would if he was interested in getting with someone else firstly he wouldn't be with you and secondly it probably wouldn't be a work mate as that can be awkard.

Some say if you don't trust your boyfriend/girlfriend the deeper problem is you wouldn't trust yourself in that kind of situation, do not hold a grudge at him for wanting to enjoy himself you are not his mother if he wants to dance on the roof to show off its none of your business sure you can advise him but what he does is out of your control so there is no point in worrying about it.

Has a past boyfriend cheated on you in the past?. I'm trying to figure out where this trust issue is coming from it normally has a source! As for your boyfriend more then likely he will get trashed but that doesn't mean that he is going to sleep with the next women that crosses his path he says he loves you he has never given you reason to doubt it so don't relax and let him have a well earned night out :)

First off, this problem, from what you describe, is solely on you. You need to get some counseling to stop this destructive behavior. If someone wants to cheat, they are going to cheat. You can do NOTHING about it. Go to any therapist and that's what they will tell you, trust me, I've been to 3 of them, all say the same thing. You need to calm down, he's been faithful so trust him.

Also, those big sexual orgies, only happen in porno's.

Ok thanks for replies... I will do my best to cover all:

1. He is my first boyfriend, therefore no male has cheated on me, but I have had friends in the past who have lied to me, and I think this is where the trust issue stems from, I barely put trust in anyone

2. We are both insecure people, I cannot imagine anything worse than the thought of him sleeping with or kissin another girl, then coming back to me the following day... but what makes it worse is that I would never KNOW if he is cheating on me?? As you say thought, nothing I can do, but I cannot bare the thought

3. Do not get me wrong, I encourage him to see his mates, it is just I dislike the way he acts around them. It is literally like taking off the geeky suit and putting on the "I am cool, I am the best, I can dance and drink" suit... I would not mind, but he CANNOT handle alcohol... anything more than £50 on alcohol and he is throwing up constantly for the night and following day... which makes me want to see him even less.

4. My boyfriend gets so horny when drinking, so reason I worry is because typical situation... he is off his face (drunk), putting on a "I am so cool" front, surrounded by women from his work, and returning with the women to an entirely free house... so what better situation is there than to have several women, as he will be that drunk he would not know whether it was me, a random or a work mate?

I know you are probably all reading this screaming... saying why the hell are you with him... but I do genuinely love him, it must be clear, I would not be so paranoid about losing him if I did not... but these constant thoughts of what if what if what if haunt me day and night and stress me out, it is like constant voices in my head.

He knows I feel insecure and he reassures me by saying if he did not want me he would not be with me, he would not spend every night in my arms, every spare minute texting me, ringing me to check I am OK, taking me for meals, buying me flowers and perfume, taking me on day trips... he said I give him everything he ever needs and wants, so he does not need to look at other women (although I know he does, as he does it in front of me.. sneakily!). He says he wants us to get more serious and move on and think about getting a house together, and then marriage and children, which I love the idea of, but I know that I cannot live with these thoughts haunting me, as it pulls us back.

I know this is my issue, but he does not like me talking to males. My issue is that I go out, I am ME, I do not change whether with him, mates, family, his family, my pet rabbit etc... if I go out I go to see my mates, I drink, but I never ever drink myself to the stage of not knowing what I am doing, I never spend more than £30 on a night out, usually about £15, and I know I can 150% trust myself to not go near another man in a sexual way, even after one or two drinks, so therefore its not an issue in which I do not trust myself.. I FULLY TRUST MYSELF and KNOW he will never get hurt by me, but I worry the same cannot be said about him, even though he has never given me reason to doubt him, other than his change in personality, and knowing he looks at other women.

I hope this is a bit more clearer

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifeisadj8

1. He is my first boyfriend, therefore no male has cheated on me, but I have had friends in the past who have lied to me, and I think this is where the trust issue stems from, I barely put trust in anyone

Your friends in the past have lied to you. So far he has not. So why is he being punished for something other people did?

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifeisadj8

2. We are both insecure people, I cannot imagine anything worse than the thought of him sleeping with or kissin another girl, then coming back to me the following day...but what makes it worse is that I would never KNOW if he is cheating on me??!?! as you say thought, nothing I can do, but I cannot bare the thought

You know what's going to break up you relationship? It will be your insecurity driving him to find someone else... what your doing is working against you because you are accusing him of doing something he has not done. If you keep it up he's just going to do it.

But let's just assume he did. You said you couldn't think of anything worse. How about falling out of a helicopter, having your face tore off by an alligator, watching a Rosie O'Donell movie, or having a shark bite your leg off. That's just off the top of my head. My point is if he were to choose to cheat on you then that's a decision he has wronged you on, not one you are to create drama about. But this hasn't even happened, so why do this to yourself... and him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifeisadj8

3. Do not get me wrong, i encourage him to see his mates, it is just I dislike the way he acts around them. It is literally like taking off the geeky suit and putting on the "I am cool, I am the best, I can dance and drink" suit...I would not mind, but he CANNOT handle alcohol...anything more than £50 on alcohol and he is throwing up constantly for the night and following day...which makes me want to see him even less.

Then don't see him the next day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifeisadj8

4. My boyfriend gets so horny when drinking, so reason I worry is because typical situation...he is off his face (drunk), putting on a "I am so cool" front, surrounded by women from his work, and returning with the women to an entirely free house....so what better situation is there than to have several women, as he will be that drunk he would not know whether it was me, a random or a work mate?!

Or he'll just have a good time with his friends like most people that drink.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifeisadj8

I know you are probably all reading this screaming...saying why the hell are you with him...

How wrong are you. I was actually thinking why is he with you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifeisadj8

but I do genuinely love him, it must be clear, I would not be so paranoid about losing him if I did not....but these constant thoughts of what if what if what if haunt me day and night and stress me out, it is like constant voices in my head.

Then you are not healthy enough to be in this relationship. If you are so consumed with thoughts of cheating for no reason then you are not a good girlfriend. He never asked for this. He has done nothing to cause these thoughts. He trusts you, yet you can't return the gesture.

This is not what a relationship is supposed to be. You should be worried about yourself first and foremost. He takes care of himself, and you both meet in the middle. It's like you have left yourself and taken over his life... yet you've done this in your mind and not in reality.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifeisadj8

He knows I feel insecure and he reassures me by saying if he did not want me he would not be with me, he would not spend every night in my arms, every spare minute texting me, ringing me to check i am ok, taking me for meals, buying me flowers and perfume, taking me on day trips...he said I give him everything he ever needs and wants, so he does not need to look at other women (although I know he does, as he does it infront of me..sneakily!). He says he wants us to get more serious and move on and think about getting a house together, and then marriage and children, which I love the idea of, but I know that I cannot live with these thoughts haunting me, as it pulls us back.

God this guy is such a jerk! He buys you all kinds of things, is loyal, plans a future with you, and then has the nerve to go drinking with his friends for one night in months. Who does he think he is?

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifeisadj8

I know this is my issue, but he does not like me talking to males. My issue is that I go out, I am ME, I do not change whether with him, mates, family, his family, my pet rabbit etc...if I go out I go to see my mates, I drink, but I never ever drink myself to the stage of not knowing what I am doing, I never spend more than £30 on a night out, usually about £15, and I know I can 150% trust myself to not go near another man in a sexual way, even after one or two drinks, so therefore its not an issue in which I do not trust myself..I FULLY TRUST MYSELF and KNOW he will never get hurt by me, but I worry the same cannot be said about him, even though he has never given me reason to doubt him, other than his change in personality, and knowing he looks at other women.

I hope this is a bit more clearer

Stop it. Just stop it.

He hasn't done one thing wrong, and he by your own words actually does more then most men would. If that isn't good enough for you then you two should break up. Because he deserves a girl that trusts him like he treats her.

If you really love this person then exercise some self control and stop trying to control them. There is nothing, and I mean nothing more likely to drive a partner away than someone who is insecure and possessive.

He's 23 for heaven's sake! So he gets drunk - so what? So he wants to party - so what?
What do you care how he behaves with his mates - they are HIS mates after all and not yours.

By your own admission he has done nothing wrong except want to have a good time - hell, it doesn't sound as if he has a very good time with you! How would you feel if he was always carping and complaining about your behaviour and acting as if he didn't trust you. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment - he sounds very patient, but most people have a limit on what they will put up with.

I would suggest that you need to speak with someone professional about your lack of trust and where this stems from. Acccept responsibility that it's your issue. The sooner you deal with it the happier you will be both personally and in your relationships.

I realise you all think I am an actual jerk, but at least I realise I have an issue and not just sitting back doing nothing about it, I am trying to get help from you guys.

I feel a bit individualised here, as if I am the only person with issues like this, when I am sure there are many more.

The thing is thought my boyfriend reacts in the same way when I go out, not the extent to which I do, but he says to me, so bet you will find someone better than me, someone you prefer, he asks if I will cheat and go behind his back, so that shows his insecurity as well.

I just wish there was not so much emphasis on stereotypes out and about that men go out get drunk and take the first women they see back home with them... I just do not want to be a victim of a cheater, as then I will suffer for the rest of my life never being able to trust in anyone at all, rather than the little trust I do have currently in my boyfriend. All I was after was suggestions on how to overcome my fear, and how to put more trust in him... so thank you

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifeisadj8

I realise you all think I am an actual jerk, but atleast I realise I have an issue and not just sitting back doing nothing about it, I am trying to get help from you guys.

I feel a bit individualised here, as if I am the only person with issues like this, when I am sure there are many more.

The thing is thought my boyfriend reacts in the same way when I go out, not the extent to which I do, but he says to me, so bet you will find someone better than me, someone you prefer, he asks if I will cheat and go behind his back, so that shows his insecurity as well.

I just wish there was not so much emphasis on stereotypes out and about that men go out get drunk and take the first women they see back home with them...I just do not want to be a victim of a cheater, as then I will suffer for the rest of my life never being able to trust in anyone at all, rather than the little trust I do have currently in my boyfriend. All I was after was suggestions on how to overcome my fear, and how to put more trust in him...so thank you

I don't think anyone on here is trying to make you feel bad they are just giving you their honest opinions and sometimes this can be hard to hear, you are saying all this about him and how he can do this to you when he is drunk if you feel this way about him why are you with him? I think the relationship you are in at the moment is very immature you can't live your life on what if's and but's you need to realise that what you have read on here is people's views from the outside looking in and it is very good advice!

If you really and truly cannot trust him when he is not in your company regardless on how drunk he gets then get out of the relationship and stop torturing yourself.
I can under stand when you say you are not the only person out there who has these worries of course we all do in the beginning of a relationship I know I was weary in the first few weeks with my boyfriend because I didn't know him too well but eventually I realised this guy has no notion of ever hurting me I now trust him with my life and if you can't do this now at this point in your relationship then I'm afraid I don't think its going to work out for you two.

Just because you hear stories about other men cheating on their girlfriends doesn't mean this is going to happen to you that's like hearing stories of people getting knocked down by a bus that doesn't mean its going to happen to you!

I wish you all the best with this situation you are in but I think you know its only you that can get you out.

:)

Don't be so sensitive will you. And for sure stop comparing him to the ones you have had before, that's a real problem.

Baggage from the past getting in the way of future happiness. Since you know your prone to getting carried away with your thoughts, just don't let them be put into actions.

Realize its you taking a small thing, and making it bigger, and be aware of what it makes you do, and don't do it. You let him know how you feel, but also let him know your working on it.

It's a slow process, and takes you to actively monitor yourself and control your actions as we all have feelings of insecurity, but what we do about it is what counts.

No one has individualized you at all, just get you to see that coping with your feelings in a positive way is what counts, and don't let the feelings dictate your actions.

Don't be ashamed to get guidance through this process, because it does take work and learning how to talk yourself down when you get hyped up over nothing.

Dealing with the baggage of the past, by getting over it, is a good first step in helping you cope with those feelings that have you so helpless now. Your hardly helpless.