Ask Me Help Desk - Longterm relationship for dummies

Hi again. I recently asked a question if my lifestyle makes longterm relationships impossible https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...le-339395.html.

After discussing it with helpful people oh this site, I decided to give it a go with my Swiss boyfriend. For those who don't know the story, I have a problem maintaining close friendship and longterm relationships with people due to my constant moving (I've lived in 10 countries for the past 7 years) I've been having fun. I get asked out often. I have no problem attracting people, but I want more than attraction and short term dating. I want roots and stability. I have depression from extreme stress with moving and breaking up with people. I'm 25 years old but I think my mind and soul are older, ready to settle down. I've been moving around because of studies and work in the field of international politics.

This Swiss guy, we were dating for 2 months, had a one and half month break and now I've come back to him!! Well, actually just one night, I'm currently on a 3 week mission in Poland, but afterwards I'll be living with him in Switzerland, for how long I absolutely have no idea.

Call me stupid, but I really have no idea how longterm works despite all my experiences in other things. Ok, so a few days ago my boyfriend picked me up at the airport in Switzerland. He drove me to the garage where he bought another secondhand car. He asked the seller to drive the car to his parents' place, so me, a bit startled asked him 'I'm going to meet your parents?' and he said casually 'yes, are you shy?'. But his parents were out. Anyway, we came back to his place, had an amazing night. He cooked for me as always. He casually brought up going on holiday somewhere together in the future with his new (secondhand) car and me meeting his parents when I come back from Poland. Somehow we talked about thinking longterm so I playfully asked him if he thought longterm when we made love the first time, he got red and changed the subject. The next day he drove to send me off at the airport and asked me to email all my travel details so that he would pick me up again. He's not a romantic type, rather practical. He never bought me flowers, but practical stuff like food, winter boots. He never tells me the L word except one time when he thought he was about to lose me forever. We had a big fight, ending up with me leaving Switzerland earlier than planned last time. When we fought he said he was afraid of being in a relationship with me because I would always push things to be my way, but when we made up, he told me he looked forward to a stable loving relationship with me. He's not the type who would sms me every night to wish me good night, but he always remembers important details.

So are all these signs we can have a good longterm relationship?

Don't ask questions, just enjoy. It sounds very promising, and no one can tell the future. The weird thing about the future, if you spend a ton of time worrying about it, you will miss out on the joys of the present. Just go with it, and don't plan or script anything. I wish you luck! You sound like a great catch... you know where to find us American "white" guys if your Swiss dude doesn't work out... :cool:

Why are you even thinking long term, when the period of adjusting to each other is more important.

You have a lot of catching up to do, and learning about each other, and that takes time, so forget the expectations, and just explore for a while.

There is plenty of time later to meet the parents, so relax and ease into this, and get use to each other. Way to soon to plan for next year, just go one day at a time, and see how it works. You can't rush happiness, just because that's what you want.

Talaniman Rule- To much, to fast, crash, and burn.

Focus on the day to day and enjoying the time, before you know it there is a future and past built that you didn't even see coming.

Try to find was to talk to each other more. I know you're in another country, but buy a phone card. Call each other up. If you like him so much, you should enjoy having conversations with him.

You don't plan long term relationships. You don't look for signs of a long term. It just happens. It's still early in your relationsip. Take things 1 step at the time. When you've dated for a while in a stable relationship... then you can think about long term.

Thank you for your answers ;-)

@ Talaniman, I'm not expecting things and thinking years. He was the one who brought up meeting the parents, not me. I haven't even mentioned being in each other's life. He was the one who told me I'm in his life. I don't know if you get my points from my previous question at all. It's about me wanting to stay in one place long-term and make my relationship work for once in my life. I always stay short-term in a country, move to another, and in the process lost contacts with all the guys I dated. And I totally get your last sentence, too much too soon, I've experienced that before.

I understand the point you guys make, to enjoy it day-to-day, and I'm doing that. But because of my constant moving as I already explained, it's kind of inevitable to think about the future, no? I mean I'm not an EU citizen who can travel within the EU as I wish. There're big issues to think about like visa and accommodation. So for me to come back to Switzerland to be with him, it means I'm taking an extra mile. Of course I'm not making him my life priority, and I want to work in Switzerland long-term on my own, with or without him. But for now, I'll save my money for the hotel and move into his apartment and see how it goes.

@kctiger, thanks ;-) I feel much better now about this relationship being promising, and I'll stop questioning things for now.

Sounds like a plan, I personally understood all of what you were saying and I don't change my advice.

If you plan on being in Switzerland than make those arrangements with or without him in your future.

Him taking you to see his parents may not be as huge of a step as you see it or it may mean a lot. The best advice was I wish, you can't plan for the long term, enjoy what you have and see if it grows. The long term will happen, but even if it's not with him, by looking at the location as long-term you are making a better step to long-term relationships.

Thank you, Justwantfair. And yes, I think I Wish's point is pretty good too.

I guess I should've rephrased my question from whether my relationship will be longterm to whether all that He and I have done together can be considered a solid ground for a relationship, since of course no one knows the future anyway.

Just one more question, though. Why are people so afraid of getting hurt that sometimes they try desperately to protect themselves? At least 3 guys dumped me for this very reason, to protect themselves from getting hurt once I'm gone, as you know about my constant moving.

I understand the point of enjoying the day, but why are we so afraid of thinking even about tomorrow? I know uncertainty is a certainty, but don't we have at least something to hold on to at all? I mean why can't we just let ourselves love the person instead of letting this fear haunt us, don't fall for him, don't fall for him, we'll never know, I'll be gone again soon, or he might just leave? Can't I just at least entertain myself with the thought of going to France with him during summer (2 months away - is that thinking ahead too far in your book?). Like in a How I Met Your Mother episode how Ted freaked out about Stella's mentioning of spending Thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever holiday it is together. I think Stella was being practical while Ted was being stupidly paranoid.

Well, I don't know, just out of curiosity, what do you guys think? I like you guys' advice, it's just that sometimes when I talk to people, friends, they often come off overly protective of me. Why?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Why are you even thinking long term, when the period of adjusting to each other is more important.

You have a lot of catching up to do, and learning about each other, and that takes time, so forget the expectations, and just explore for a while.

There is plenty of time later to meet the parents, so relax and ease into this, and get use to each other. Way to soon to plan for next year, just go one day at a time, and see how it works. You can't rush happiness, just because thats what you want.

Talaniman Rule- To much, to fast, crash, and burn.

I know I have to be careful, protect myself etc. etc. people tell me this all the time. Yes, I agree that I shouldn't be thinking about celebrating the 2011 new year with him for example. Just so you know, I'm not disillusioned and I wasn't borm yesterday. I think I just used the wrong word, not 'longterm', but something a bit more 'solid', not just casual dating, yes, this is what I intended to say.

I appreciate your advice and concern. But it seems you didn't read my post carefully and even missed some points. I wasn't the one who want to see his parents, he proposed it, and I didn't even want to. I didn't rush things, he was the one who said I'm in his life. But I did push for the accommodation issue because he's a Swiss citizen, I'm not. I didn't want to move in with a boyfriend this fast, but things need to be rushed when you are abroad. Just let me put it this way, I'm coming back to Switzerland to see him, I had to book flights, pack stuffs, arrange things. If I live in the same small town with my boyfriend, all of these arrangements wouldn't have happened. We can just casually go for a nearby restaurant etc. I hope you get my point now. I just don't want to be misunderstood as a disillusioned desperate inexperienced girl. But all the same, your advice is appreciated.

And what is happiness anyway? I think no one can really come up with a bibile 'what is happiness and how it comes slowly'. So we can't rush things to be our way of happiness? I'm sorry I really don't understand your point.

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This Swiss guy, we were dating for 2 months, had a one and half month break and now I've come back to him!! Well, actually just one night, I'm currently on a 3 week mission in Poland, but afterwards I'll be living with him in Switzerland, for how long I absolutely have no idea.

It might be just me, as I am a bit old, but living with a guy you have been dating a few months is rushing head first into a brick wall. I could be wrong (most times I am) but that's a bit much to me, given the separation is as long as the dating.

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petuniaB;1686320, I know I have to be careful, protect myself etc. etc. people tell me this all the time. Yes, I agree that I shouldn't be thinking about celebrating the 2011 new year with him for example. Just so you know, I'm not disillusioned and I wasn't borm yesterday. I think I just used the wrong word, not 'longterm', but something a bit more 'solid', not just casual dating, yes, this is what I intended to say.

Building a solid relationship takes time and work, what your doing in my view, is throwing a feel good situation together without a plan and hoping it works out. Maybe it will, but at no point have you revealed to us the planning together that led to this decision. Maybe that's the problem with me.

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I appreciate your advice and concern. But it seems you didn't read my post carefully and even missed some points. I wasn't the one who want to see his parents, he proposed it, and I didn't even want to. I didn't rush things, he was the one who said I'm in his life.

Its always been a red flag when one partner goes along with the plan of another, so when it hits the rocks, or something goes wrong, they can lay blame and not accept their part of the blame. Solid relationships compromise, and express themselves to each other, and share the blame when a plan doesn't work. That passive aggressive approach to problem solving seldom works and build resentment and stifles communications.

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But I did push for the accommodation issue because he's a Swiss citizen, I'm not. I didn't want to move in with a boyfriend this fast, but things need to be rushed when you are abroad. Just let me put it this way, I'm coming back to Switzerland to see him, I had to book flights, pack stuffs, arrange things. If I live in the same small town with my boyfriend, all of these arrangements wouldn't have happened. We can just casually go for a nearby restaurant etc.

Throwing together a plan that's convenient is not a substitute for some good long term planning, and I did read your post very carefully, but you do not build solid by pushing convenience, since your goals are longer term.

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I hope you get my point now. I just don't want to be misunderstood as a disillusioned desperate inexperienced girl.

I see your point, your taking a chance and there is nothing wrong with that, and no This is not the way I see you, I just think your building from the outside in, and it looks good on paper, when being solid requires laying the foundation based on trust, loyalty, commitment, and communication, and held together with honest expression and the willingness to work together to solve your issues, to build a healthy happy life.

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And what is happiness anyway? I think no one can really come up with a Bible 'what is happiness and how it comes slowly'. So we can't rush things to be our way of happiness? I'm sorry I really don't understand your point.

It comes slowly because you build it with love, care, and compromise, and throwing something together that looks good, seldom stands the test of time. Slowly only means to take your time to do it right, and doesn't necessarily mean days, months, or years.

Would you rather live in a house you threw together overnight, that won't stand up to the first thunderstorm, or have a home that was built to last forever?

Obviously our definitions of love, and happiness, is very different, but that's okay, we live through the consequences of our actions, or get the blessings. That's the reality of life. The best thing is we can do it whatever way we want. I do wish you happiness.