I am an alcoholic, and have been trying to stay sober for a 4 years. It seems every winter I relapse, and each time everything gets worse. My longest clean time is 10 months. This past time I lost my girlfriend, severely burned my hand, lost work, etc. Although I haven't been drinking in a while, I keep turning to other drugs, with some clean time in between. This has been going on for 4 months. I consider the whole thing a relapse, and it just delays all of my problems. I am on bi-polar meds, and when I drink now I black out. My ex kept trying to come to my rescue which I am not used to. Usually my relapses last about 3 weeks, in isolation-and when I get sick of it, I call someone and get help. She kept getting into my house, sitting with me-doing everything she could-and this is while we were broken up. I can't imagine the side of me she saw, since I don't remember, and I am full of guilt and shame. I know she cared about me but there is a part that just wished she'd left me alone. I do shady things when I am using and I hate that, I do not want to be that person. Anyway, went through a pain killer stage, an adderall stage-whatever. I know nothing good will come out of it, but it seems to deaden my feelings so I don't care about her or all the mistakes I made. I guess I am just rambling, but I must be clean, but when I saw her tonight with a new guy, I wanted to drink so bad... or something to escape... meetings don't help. Any ideas?

Why don't meetings help? I know of some guys who go to three or four meetings per day. Do you have a sponsor?

There can be no recovery, unless you really want it, and give yourself a chance to learn how to stay sober, by going to the meetings, and getting a sponser. Nothing will help until you becoming willing to try, and stick with it. Just see how others do it.

Meetings are most effective when you get involved. Try finding a few you like and start volunteering, get a sponsor make some friends, the most successful recovering addicts are the ones with a strong support system... friends in the program, sponsor, and a group you feel a little accountable to.

Try 90 in 90 and find a good sponsor

I've never flown with the wind I just let it flow and take me were it want to go... turn to Jesus he has ALL the answers

You don't want to be "that person" You said so yourself. Your alcohol addiction has hurt your brain. You really should take advantage of meetings and support groups. If you want to RECOVER you are going to have to give yourself the time to do it. That means taking all the time you need to attend meetings or other groups or whatever it is you have to do to not take that drink or pop that pill or snort the line or whatever. Try to think of your urges to drink or use as healing pains. You get those urges for several reasons. 1) Your body is addicted 2) Your mind is now used to being dosed with alcohol or other drugs whenever you feel stressed 3) Your mind will do anything it can think of to cause you to take that drink to satisfy itself including trying to bargain with you, rationalize with you and justify drinking or using. Your own mind will be playing all kinds of trick to get you to drink or use because by being addicted, you changed the way your brain works. Now your brain wants to keep things the way you made it with all the alcohol because your brain now thinks it is normal to be under the influence of intoxicating chemicals. So all those urges to drink or use is your brain resisting your attempts to live a sober life, healing pains.

Those healing pains, or urges, will get less frequent and become less strong as time goes on and your brain struggles to balance itself. But it's a hard road, I'm sure it would help A LOT to have the support of AA and a sponsor. What else have you got to do? If you don't stop drinking you are going to die... what is it they say~ something like Addiction leads to Jail, Institution, or Death? Do this for yourself! Obviously you want to stop drinking or you wouldn't have posted this. If you have to go to meetings several times a day in order to have a sober day DO IT. Be thankful there are such things as meetings of people that gather together to support each other while they learn to live sober lives!

You need to put time between you and drinking or using. The more time you put between you and your addiction, the easier it will be. But I will tell you this much, I quit smoking 3 years ago and I still think about smoking a cigarette from time to time. I tell you that so you know you will have issues crop up, urges and things that happen and your brain is going to try to take you right back to your old addiction for a long time. You might need long term support.

Something else you should always keep in the front of your mind: You have FREE WILL. No matter how much you are craving a drink you will always have the free will to just say NO. I know your brain doesn't want you to remember that, but it is true.

The people at AA meetings will help you with staying sober, handling urges, and other things like what to do with your guilt. I hope you decide to use AA to help learn a better way of living.

Good luck

Bipolars cannot do illegal drugs or drink alcohol. Somehow their brains are not wired for this. This is the reason you are blacking out now using alcohol.

Do yourself a favor and never, never drink another drop and do not ever use illegal drugs. You will be undoing any "good" that the bipolar meds are doing for you.

You need to remember that your body has a chemical imbalance all by itself and adding to that imbalance with booze or illegal drugs is going to effect you differently in that you will be very easily addicted to them due to you not wanting to face reality.

You need to speak to someone who knows bipolars and their success with effectively getting out of the addictive mode. Just going to AA is great, but they do not address the real problem that you have - the bipolar problem. Bipolar is not an easy disease to diagnose properly or to properly treat. It will take you sometime to get back to feeling normal once you stop using booze and drugs. It may take you more than a year to successfully beat your addictions. Take it slow. One day at a time. One hour at a time if necessary. The longer you are away from booze and/or drugs, the better off you will be in your life.

There are more ways than one to deal with addictions. 12 step programs work for some, and not for others.

Behaviour based programs like CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is a very effective alternative to try.

If what you have done does not work for you, try something different.

Call your local mental health association, hospital, doctor, or drug and alcohol treatment centre and find out what is available in your area.

There are groups, counselling, medical advice, etc. out there. There are options.

You need to keep trying to find something that works, or is a more comfortable fit for you, personally.

I go to AA meetings but you have to stick with them and go to more than one a week or so. I don't know how often you go but give more than one a try per week. It does help if you give it a chance I know I''m there! Pray
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Good luck to you!