Ask Me Help Desk - Why can't I just be happy for her?

So, I dated a girl about 8 months. She was really a kid, everyone told me. About halfway through she cheated-and this caused her to get kicked out of her summer place, lost a best friend, etc-so I never really got a chance to be upset and took her back. After that I didn't trust her completely (she claims people were feeding her alcohol)-she started to really annoy me in many ways and I eventually started distancing myself. I told everyone around me that I wanted to end it-maybe because I was a coward I just let it go on-you know 'its better than nothing'. I lied about when I got off work, or that I was hanging with friends-anything to not hang out with her. Finally I messed up and she broke up with me-4 months ago-and I have been having a very hard time getting over it. I mean, its what I wanted-I should've been relieved, but instead I just tried different ways to get her back. Crazy! Ego driven? I know I meant a lot to her, and did push her away not fair). But I have missed her and feel like an immature nut-job for not thanking my lucky stars I am free of something that hadn't any future. I am 35, she is 20. Her family, friends and coworkers thought this was a strange relationship. I want to be that guy that can be happy for her-isn't that true love-letting her go. Here I sit feeling lonely and foolish.

I may have something for you to read. It's about Dopamin and the brain.

I may be repeating some stuff, sorry about that, but here is more to the psychological perspective on Neurological explanation of addiction/love. I'm having a hard time finding where to start for your Sexual behaviour, and how to use the porn addiction section in the book to explain it. I hope this helps.

"Ok, so we have a pleasure center located in the limbic system, a part of the brain heavily involved in processing emotion, and a Dr. Robert Heath did experiments on humans in this area. He took electrodes, the brain doesn't have feeling, and put them into the septal region of the limbic system and turned it on, the patient would then experience a powerful euphoria, so powerful that one patient pleaded with them not to stop. This same region fires up when pleasant subjects were discussed and during orgasm. These pleasure centers were found to be part of the brain's reward system, the mesolimbic dopamine system.
When the pleasure center is turned on everything we experience gives us pleasure. Cocaine lowers the threshold at which our pleasure centers will fire, making it easier for them to turn on. The three reasons our pleasure center's thresholds are lowered are we do a drug like Cocaine, have a manic high (Manics, bipolar.), or we are in love.
If a person gets high on Cocaine, becomes manic, or falls in love, they enter an enthusiastic state and are optimistic about everything, because all three will lower the firing threshold for the appetitive pleasure system, the dopamine-based system associated with the pleasure of anticipating something we desire. They are sensitive to anything that may give them pleasure, and are filled with hopeful anticipation. Things like nature, flowers, grass, sunshine inspire them; small but thoughtful gestures allow them to delight in all man kind. Doidge, the writer of "the brain that changes it'self", calls this process "Globalization".
Globalization allows us to take more pleasure in the world, and inhibits pain, displeasure, or aversion. Things that normally bother us, don't. We love being in love not only because it makes it easier for us to be happy but also because it makes it harder for us to be unhappy.
Globalization allows us to learn new things easier too; because when we are "in love" we are "happy, and it's harder to be unhappy, we like things we normally don't", and the dopamine helps the brain consolidate "Neuroplasticity". (plastic is the brains ability to rearrange it's neuro-connections to accommodate, the addition of information, sub traction, brain damage, "Hemisphere-ectimy" (I'm not sure how to spell it, YouTube - Brain Plasticity), and various other brain related issues.)

Freud once described the elated effects of cocaine to his fiancee, Martha, in letters. He says, he feels fearless, not fatigued, less shy, increased self esteem, no longer depressed, euphoric, enhances his energy, enthusiasm, and has an aphrodisiac effect. He was describing a state akin to "romantic intoxication". The book says in both cases, the Cocaine high, and "romantic Intoxication" may impair one's judgment. Recent fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) scans of lovers looking at photos of their sweethearts show that a part of the brain with great concentrations of dopamine is activated; their brains looked like those of people on cocaine.

When separated for too long, lovers crash and experience withdrawal, crave their beloved, get anxious, doubt them selves, lose their energy, and feel run-down if not depressed. Like a little fix a letter, and e-mail, or a telephone message from the beloved provides and instant shot of energy. Should they brake up, they get depressed- the opposite of the manic high...
After a time of being with some one, the brain doesn't produce that dopamine like before, if they adapt to well to each other. Dopamine likes novelty. (From NESTORAIN: Some people might say that their spouse/partner is too dull, but really they are just addicted to the unpredictability, and excitement that comes with exploration of a new place. You can do what you'd like here, but it may be wise to try and spice it up a bit, be random some times, spontaneous, and take time away from one another so you both don't get "tired" of one another.) Dr.Doidge believes that this means their "plastic" brains have so well adapted to each other that it's harder for them to get the same buzz they once got from each other.
Dr. Doidge also suggests if this happens to inject novelty into the relationship. Try new activities together, or wear new kinds of clothing, surprise one another. Pretty much keep the brain working, entertained, and learning fresh new things." _ The brain that changes it'self by Dr. Norman Doidge M.D.

I hope that helps, I didn't quite quote the book, but I did paraphrase, and used some lines right from it. Those were just pages 113-116. There is so much more to this chapter on love, mind you it does go into details on porn addiction, sexual perversions and how they may work/happen. Very interesting, as it is the chapter on Acquiring tastes and loves. Very interesting stuff, but if you're not into that, I guess not eh!

Peace and kindness be with you.

It's hard to be happy for some one, when you aren't happy for yourself. You may need to do some "soul searching", and forgive yourself for some things... Eh?

Quote:

Originally Posted by overandout

So, I dated a girl about 8 months. She was really a kid, everyone told me.

No kidding, she's 20 and you're 35. She's not ready to settle and wants to live her life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by overandout

Finally I messed up and she broke up with me-4 months ago-and I have been having a very hard time getting over it. I mean, its what I wanted-I should've been relieved, but instead I just tried different ways to get her back. Crazy!? Ego driven?!

Trying to get her back only shows desperation. Sometimes you don't know what you've got till its gone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by overandout

I know i meant a lot to her, and did push her away not fair).

No you don't know. You are not her! Life isn't fair. Deal with it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by overandout

But I have missed her and feel like an immature nut-job for not thanking my lucky stars I am free of something that hadn't any future.

Who doesn't miss their ex? But we still go on with our lives.

Quote:

Originally Posted by overandout

I want to be that guy that can be happy for her-isn't that true love-letting her go. Here I sit feeling lonely and foolish.

Than let her go buddy and do something with your life instead of sitting on your butt all day long.

Hope this clears some things up.

- none12345

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nestorian

It's hard to be happy for some one, when you aren't happy for yourself. You may need to do some "soul searching", and forgive yourself for some things... Eh?

Well, I am bi-polar, and so is she. And we have been broken up for 4 months and she has moved on. I know I am not happy with myself, but I should be happy for her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by overandout

Well, I am bi-polar, and so is she. And we have been broken up for 4 months and she has moved on. I know I am not happy with myself, but I should be happy for her.

Should you? :confused:

Explain to me this, how long have you been diagnosed with Bipolar? What are you taking in terms of medication? How do you feel?

Bipolar aside, why should you feel happy for her? You are no longer with her, so let her go. Focus on yourself, and live your life and stop thinking about her happiness so that you can start to feel yours. The more you wonder or think about her, the more you will suffer, and the harder it will be to be happy. Because it just doesn't seem logical that if you are not happy that you should extend happiness to some one else. I think you would be happy for her, if you were happy. It's like energy, you have so much to give, but since you are very low, you can't give to her. You'd just burn out and that's not fun as we both know.;)

I'm bipolar to by the way. I'm bipolar 1 I believe. That's the one that is longer lasting episodes right? I can't seem to recall:rolleyes:, memory, since when did I have a memory eh?

Any way, "Pay no attention to the faults of others, things done or left undone by others. Consider only by what one’s self is done or is left undone."-Buddha

It is not easy brother, but it is possible to be where you feel you should.

See a doctor take your meds, and make your meetings. In that order. Get a sponsor to guide you through the steps of getting sober, and staying that way. Your whole world will change if you do.

You are upset because she did it first plain ans simple