I have a neighbor who has a son, whom is 4 years old. He frequently runs over here and plays with my daughter. He doesn't talk, he grumbles, points and does some grunting. The dad is in my words "a little shady". He's always cutting the mom off and never lets her speak. I've seen him pull Tom from the vehicle by his arm.

Tom is always dirty and very hungry when he does come over- maybe a boy thing I don't know. I've also noticed his behavior around my daughter. He shoved her hard against a wall over a toy once, I told his parents and then I didn't see Tom for a week and some days- I was told it was because he had the flu.

My gut tells me something is up, but then again I may just be jumping to conclusions.

Sarah

Oy. I had a neighbor who was like that. The weird thing was, their other kid seemed perfectly fine, so no one really thought much of it. I'm not sure if anything DID happen to this kid, but no one will know, I guess.

The sad truth is, since there's no evidence to back your story, you taking any action would sour your relationship with the neighbor. I'd suggest to tread carefully, and possibly be on the outlook for "evidence"...

Granted, if you ever feel that the child's well-being is in danger, then yes, by all means, take proper action.

I just don't really know what steps to take even legal wise, I wonder if it's my gut is telling me or it's my own past that creates these crazy theories.

Just kind of lost Sneezy.

Sarah

You can talk to a cop or child services and remain anonymous,

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Originally Posted by mudweiser

I just don't really know what steps to take even legal wise, I wonder if it's my gut is telling me or it's my own past that creates these crazy theories.

Just kind of lost Sneezy.

Sarah

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A gut instinct usually is right, well in my case it is my gut has never been wrong

It's a sticky situation when dealing with kids that young. You don't want to come off caring too much because they will think you are a pedophile but on the other hand if you do nothing and he is being abused then you have failed him.
Any chance of becoming "friends" with the parents, visit their home occasionally and see how they relate to each other and the boy? You can usually get a clearer picture when you are in their "space".

I would also tread carefully here.

When he is over to play, does he, for the most part, play well? No conflicts? Is the aggressiveness something that you have to deal with most of the time?

If it is, then I would just tell the parents that he's too aggressive with your daughter, and you'd prefer that he not come over to play.

I think it's also appropriate if you do allow him over, that you ask them to phone you first to see if it's okay. Maybe if they do that, you will have more control over a steady diet of him.

Another thing I would do is let the child know what the rules are in your home. If he breaks them, explain that you will send him home, then call the parents, and let them know he's on his way because he wholloped your daughter (or whatever the case may be).

You only have control in your own home, and for now, having concerns, a few simple rules in place might be a better way of sending a signal to the parents, and you'll have the benefit of a better behaved playmate for your daughter.

And yes, boys are always hungry lol

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

I would also tread carefully here. When he is over to play, does he, for the most part, play well? No conflicts? Is the aggressiveness something that you have to deal with most of the time?

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I'd say he is 70% of the time. However I have a cookie chart. So that when he visits he automatically gets 4 cookies [at the end of the visit] and I take a cookie away when there is bad behaviour and give him 1/2 a cookie for good behaviour. His parents already know I do this and they are okay with that- they started using it at their house but weren't consistent [so I was told].

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If it is, then I would just tell the parents that he's too aggressive with your daughter, and you'd prefer that he not come over to play.

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I really don't want to do this- I feel like he feels this is his safe place. He has ran over here numerous times, and even in the middle of the night. I really wouldn't want to take this away from him.

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I think it's also appropriate if you do allow him over, that you ask them to phone you first to see if it's okay. Maybe if they do that, you will have more control over a steady diet of him.

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True- but he comes over unannounced. I don't mind it , nor do his parents, they're always "ditching" him at my house when I come home from work.


I'm just really worried about him, he's dirt has visible bruises- maybe from playing so roughly.

I honestly only talk to the parents very rarely. I tried inviting them over to BBQ's, a trip to the beach, mommy and me classes, and well I guess they just don't like me in that way.

Sarah

Keep your eyes open.I believe that a mothers instinct is usually spot on!

You know Sara, I was giving you advice on what was given to me when mine were little. I did what you are doing now.

There were two neighbourhood kids that were locked out of their house when one or the other parent was sleeping after a night shift. Naturally, they came next door to my house. The father in particular, when the mom was at work, would literally drop them off in my driveway.

I couldn't turn them away. They learned the rules of the house, played well with my kids, and I just accepted it. If we were heading to Brownies, their mother would sign them up, and I'd take them. Same with swimming lessons, special events in the town, school outings (that I always went on), anything going on, they were included.

Even when we moved out of the town, I would come and pick them up every summer to spend two weeks with us, then drive them home.

Now that they are grown, they are still in touch, and have shared much about the years they spent so much time with us. One of them is getting married soon.

So, you really have to do what's right in your heart for that little guy. I'm happy you have set some rules and that he follows them. Like you, I had some nagging questions about the parenting skills of the kids at my house, but never anything substantial. Had the CAS (Children's Aid Society here in Canada) got involved, there was not enough substantial evidence to 'make' them into good parents.

I don't regret it, and I doubt you will regret your time with this child either. His life is better with you in it, rather than not in it.

His parents are very lucky you are the type of person you are.

Thanks guys.

I just wish he talked you know- to tell me. He was limping yesterday and I tried to talk to him but he doesn't talk. Not even a hello. It's been over a year and he has not spoken a word.

I want to call CAS but I don't have evidence, just suspicions. I also don't want him to end up in some foster home- I know in my situation right now I couldn't handle another child but I would really consider taking him in, instead of some stranger that'll scare him.

-sigh-


Sarah

He should have some verbal skills by age 4. Maybe he is choosing not to speak rather than he cannot speak for some reason. That would concern me too.

Will he be going to pre-school, or JK this coming fall? The teachers will pick that up right away, in which case, they will have to deal with it.

I think that they will probably test him.

In the meanwhile, just to be on the safe side, why not keep a notebook and jot down things that you've been noticing. I would be keeping track of when he's over, and any conversations with the parents as well.

Should someone else be blamed for his bruising or aggressive behaviour, it could be you if the parents are questioned. Best to have some sort of record.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

Will he be going to pre-school, or JK this coming fall? The teachers will pick that up right away, in which case, they will have to deal with it.

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Here we start school at 4 well JK, so he's already a little behind. I know his birthday is sometime this spring.

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In the meanwhile, just to be on the safe side, why not keep a notebook and jot down things that you've been noticing. I would be keeping track of when he's over, and any conversations with the parents as well.

Should someone else be blamed for his bruising or aggressive behaviour, it could be you if the parents are questioned. Best to have some sort of record.

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Very good idea. I have not thought of that idea. I do however have videos of him and my daughter playing, kept drawings they drew, pictures -- I'm not sure if those would be valid in court if anything were to happen.

I really need to stop caring-- I always end up in some sort of mess [i.e. Edna if you recall that situation- which is going great by the way]

Sarah

Yes, keep everything. Even the amount of time that he spends at your house could be significant. I'd just jot down date, time, to and from and any notes good or bad, every day.

Better safe than sorry.

You don't need evidence to call CPS, being suspicions is good enough. They would do an investigation and you don't have to give your name when you call. As a parent it is your duty to do this if you suspect something ain't right at home. More people should do this because you never know what is happening behind closed doors.

At least you know father has limited respect for his wife. Also, each child progress differently he might not be talking now but do you if the child is in speech theraphy or if he getting a follow up by a doctor? I don't know about the limping and can't make a call on that.

Again, don't be afraid to call CPS because of fear. Fear that he might be taken away. There might be a relative to take the child if the worst happens. Tomorrow isn't promise and too many kids are dying and being abuse from the hand of a parent.

Two years ago a girl died from being beaten to death by her stepfather while the mother did nothing. The thing that pissed me off was that the neighbors and staff at her school suspected somehing foul was going on at home but did nothing. Maybe that little girl would be alive today if someone called ACS but they didn't. Thousands of people of al races showed up for this girl funeral (including myself) to mourn this little girl because this little girl life lived a horrible life. I am glad both the mother and stepdad is behind bars.

So if you suspect something isn't right then call.

Maybe you're right Liz.

Even a visit with CPS to explain concerns. Impossible to tell really just what is going on, without an outsider investigating. Maybe it's nothing serious, or not serious enough to warrant a full blown investigation, but, maybe to wait could be the wrong thing to do.