The problem is, we've only each had 1 other lover. I don't know what he wants at all, other than me naked (and I can't say I mind that). I don't know how to SAY what I need, and in all my attempts he never seems to be able to understand. Romance novels don't help, they just are either too unlike me (I just want a strong man who can love my little boy as much as I do) or too impractical (You're a pirate, I'm a merchant's daughter. You just uncovered the fact I'm trying to get a free ride by posing as a cabin boy). I've tried self-help books, but they're either for people so much more experienced who actually know what they want, or sexually repressed ninnies who want to press an agenda more than GIVE ME A CLUE.
I know things aren't right with us, in the bedroom. I mean... the mechanics are there, everybody finishes happy, but I feel more like I'm making love to a randy 14 year old than a full grown man. He's not exactly thrilled with my lack-luster response performance either. I know he feels my lack of interest when he tries to initiate things. His opinion of himself is in his sexuality, he suffers an ego blow every time I say no. My opinion of MYSELF is in my sexuality too, I would love to do more things to turn him on than just undress. And we've been leaning waaay too much on humor to improve our comfort zone in that area, I can't get him to be sexy without it turning into a joke.
I'm seeing people say "a bad lover can be trained," and I know he can be. He's really open to making me happy, and he loves when I'm the aggressive one. I hate it, but hey... I can bite the bullet on that one for awhile. I am sooo tired of turning him down because the sex is more emotionally frustrating than physically fulfilling. Which is crazy, because I feel absolutely adored in every other aspect of the marriage.

Basically, I need a point in the right direction here... How do I find out what I need, what he wants, and a practical way to implement it all?

The only way to find out what he needs/wants you need to talk him and shouldn't feel scare to do so. There is nothing wrong with talking about sex with your partner. If you can talk how do you expect things to improve in the bedroom.

Next you asked "How do I feel out what I need?". If you don't know what you need or want in the bedroom department there is no way your husband would know. The only thing I can say is experiment everything so you can find out what you like/dislike.

Talk, talk and talk, what do you like, how do you like him to do it,
Perhaps wearing a batman cap or a police outfit, a night of body paints

You both have to tell and talk and show the other what they like.

I totally agree with what the other posters said. I was unable to say what I needed with my first husband because I just didn't know, and by the time I knew, it was a bit late. I might have been more satisfied, sexually if I had just opened my mouth. So, I will tell you, if you can't open you mouth, and TELL him, then it's likely you will go on being frustrated... Tell Him!
Good luck!

OK.this might be way out there and please don't be offended.
Check out some porn sites alone and together. Often times you will find something that gives you a tingle... tell him you want to try it. Be specific. Be willing to try something he likes as long as it isn't something you are totally against. The same should go for him.

Mmm... well, we talk about it. We just don't know what to SAY. But the porn video thing seems like a great way, if I can get him past the "point out the awkward things because it's funny to see her uncomfortable" jokes.
He likes to poke my butt with random things and say "this is where it goes!" just to hear me freak out. "No, Husband, forks do NOT go there! Bad!" hehehe...

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Originally Posted by Souris

Mmm... well, we talk about it. We just don't know what to SAY. But the porn video thing seems like a great way, if I can get him past the "point out the awkward things because it's funny to see her uncomfortable" jokes.
He likes to poke my butt with random things and say "this is where it goes!" just to hear me freak out. "No, Husband, forks do NOT go there! Bad!" hehehe...

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Well to be honest I think you just diagnosed the problem right there! He pokes your butt with a fork??

Tell him STOP THE PUT DOWNS or else...

I wonder where your libido has gone to?? :rolleyes:

As a registered smart-aleck, let me first say that sometimes humor doesn't lead to relaxation and increased libido, more's the pity. Definitely check out some different ideas; if porn is too easy to crack wise on, pick up a book(yeah, on paper). Some of the "letters" magazine digests such as Penthouse Letters or Variations might giveyou some ideas to give him.

I was going through the same thing with my boyfriend. He had only been with a 2 women including me. He wasn't doing the job and he knew, after we'd have sex it would feel awkward, we wouldn't talk it felt like I had just slept with a complete stranger and I just started turning him down, FINALLY... we talked, we watched pornos together, we got toys, we tried oral, a lot of four play, and he's gotten BETTER, so yea I agree... yall need to experiment, but talk about don't be afraid to explore each other!!

I agree with the other posters that you need to talk.

Yes, it's awkward, but this is such an easy area of a relationship to ignore and it only leads to resentment and eventually distance. It sounds a little as if you're both self conscious and perhaps expecting too much from each encounter. Why don't you both just admit that it's difficult/unsatisfying and take it from there. No blame or ego attached.

From my experience the best sex is not about technique - it's about the connection between you - emotional, physical and spiritual. You need to be nurturing each other in the relationship outside the bedroom as well. Don't focus on the sex too much for a while - have a good time, laugh, do things together, look at each other with love and affection.

I'd like to stress that you need to do this together - so what if sex is a bit strange for a while or even (horrors) infrequent. It's not the end of the world.

My husband and I went through a number of years of awful, infrequent sex when I was going through menopause - we talked, he was patient, we talked some more. We always made sure we kissed and hugged and told each other how much we loved each other. Guess what? It's getting better, the sex is as good as it ever was (perhaps not as frequent) and our relationship is stronger than ever.

Having said all that, there is NO harm in speaking to a professional counsellor - but both of you need to go.

I was struck by your comment about romance novels. Until I lived and learned myself, I thought life, and sex was really like that. But, those are all wrong... "He reached down and stroked her hot core, She gripped his throbbing tumesence... They both had shuddering climaxes at the same time... Yeah, right. And it's all based on the first flush of passion between two people.

What happens three, six or even 20 years into the relationship? Like someone said above, a sexual connection is emotional, and spiritual as well as physical. So talk to one another both in the bedroom and out. Share your fears and hopes, encourage him to share his. Be safe to confide in by having clear boundaries. Know where you end, and he begins. Only then can you meet fully in the middle.

Exactly how old are each of you and how long have you been married.


These two questions can go a long way to putting a perspective on this.

If you are both young and recently married chalk it up to unrealistic expectations perhaps on both sides... if you are in your 50's and maried for 30 years then the answer would be far different as would any advice that's bound to help.

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Originally Posted by Souris

The problem is, we've only each had 1 other lover. I don't know what he wants at all, other than me naked (and I can't say I mind that). I don't know how to SAY what I need, and in all my attempts he never seems to be able to understand. Romance novels don't help, they just are either too unlike me (I just want a strong man who can love my little boy as much as I do) or too impractical (You're a pirate, I'm a merchant's daughter. You just uncovered the fact I'm trying to get a free ride by posing as a cabin boy). I've tried self-help books, but they're either for people so much more experienced who actually know what they want, or sexually repressed ninnies who want to press an agenda more than GIVE ME A CLUE.
I know things aren't right with us, in the bedroom. I mean... the mechanics are there, everybody finishes happy, but I feel more like I'm making love to a randy 14 year old than a full grown man. He's not exactly thrilled with my lack-luster response performance either. I know he feels my lack of interest when he tries to initiate things. His opinion of himself is in his sexuality, he suffers an ego blow every time I say no. My opinion of MYSELF is in my sexuality too, I would love to do more things to turn him on than just undress. And we've been leaning waaay too much on humor to improve our comfort zone in that area, I can't get him to be sexy without it turning into a joke.
I'm seeing people say "a bad lover can be trained," and I know he can be. He's really open to making me happy, and he loves when I'm the aggressive one. I hate it, but hey... I can bite the bullet on that one for awhile. I am sooo tired of turning him down because the sex is more emotionally frustrating than physically fulfilling. Which is crazy, because I feel absolutely adored in every other aspect of the marriage.

Basically, I need a point in the right direction here... How do I find out what I need, what he wants, and a practical way to implement it all?

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Let go of your fears, you may consider a counseler, and get past your what ever it is that hold you back. Stop being worried about what he thinks about you, and focus on what you want from him. Over analising things will only add to the akwardness. Humor can be good, but there is a line you want to draw so that you both know that this is for us, and no one's watching.

Try playing sex games go to a sex shop and by toys, books (pick an interesting idea and commit to it! Try it out, if you don't like it, pick the next one, or go to an old favorit.), talk to one another about what you like and your fantacies. If you can't get past that "embarassment" you'll not get what you are asking for. Stop thinking and just say it, straight up, he does like aggressive after all.;) Well use it, play off it. You've the boss and he will do as you say, take control and then maybe play out one of your fantacies, then one of his the next time. You two sound uncomfortable in the bed room and need to get past that.

May I suggest jumping him one day and then telling him flat out what you want and expect. Then you don't play those lame head games with yourself. Oh, I know it's hard to get over that thresh hold but if you're not careful, did you hear the one about the couple from japan that got married and had heart attacks at the same time because they were too tense? I have no idea whether it's true or not, but ease up a bit. Have a glass or 2, no more though, of wine to help loosen you two up. Try not to make that a habit as it's not that healthy, Wine I mean.

Be comfortable with yourself, be confident in your sex apeal, remember that you deserve to be saticfied as much as he does (isn't that what women's rights are all about, don't let thoughs girls down, they are not nice when they are mad.:o) and have fun. Its not like other people never bump heads, or trip, or a guy flops and can't get it up, or a girl gets a period, or what ever.

Oh, there are also those little books that ask if you like this or that, one girl I knew pulled them out and I was like what's this? :rolleyes:Pff silly me. She had a book, and I had one too. So we would ask one aonther about things they liked, and/or we may be interested in. Like, do you like it when some one... Yeah execlent sexual ice breaker. I wish I knew what it was called.

Good luck, and remember, you can never know too much about sex and every one is in the same boat at some time or other. "Bow Chicka Bow Wow."- Tucker

It sounds like you are looking for some sort of maturity around your lovemaking from your partner- perhaps you would like to be more seduced or like he is in control. The fact that you feel adored in every other area is HUGE! I suggest checking out Dr. Bergman's info. And perhaps her sex toys -Adult Sex Toys - 25%-50% OFF
She has been featured on Oprah many times and whether you are a fan of Oprah or not- most of Dr. Berman's work is all about that- how to get couples comfortable with communicating what they would like from each other. She has certain exercises (verbal exchanges) and other activities to help you understand your partner's sexual needs, desires etc. and vice versa. I highly recommend you checking out her work or maybe even a few past episodes of her on Oprah. I think you can order them online or maybe even find them on the Oprah.com website?
Hope that helps:)