Hey everyone, going to try to make this as concise as possible. I've been seeing my fiancée for almost six years and have lived together for well over five. Like all couples we've had our ups and downs but I think we made a great couple. We went on a break about three years ago but we got back together, went to peru and got engaged. Occasionally she suffers from depression and has physcological issues which she finds hard to face. A few months ago she had a major falling out with her father who she was previously close to. Also her father and mother are having major marriage difficulties at the moment and she is very stressed at work also. For the past month or a little longer she has been distant and I tried to reach out, unsure if she was upset over her father, her parents marriage, work or me. Also over that period she was snappy at me and impatient. Well 5 days ago I asked yet again what was on her mind and she blurted out that she needed space and felt claustraphobic. This was at 10pm, I got angry and said "where did i hear this before" (she said this the year before as well just after my father died but we managed to talk through it) and I drove her back to her parents who live close by and I drove back to my home place. Because I went through this before I knew that playing it cool was my best option (the whole whingeing and wailing thing is a turnoff I reckon and not good for self-respect). She rang and suggested we talk the next day but I said I couldn't, kind of true but more of me playing it cool. We met to talk two days later and even though I was hurting like hell I kept up the act of being happy with everything and said I thought the break was a good idea as she was gettinh on my nerves the last few weeks. She said the break would give me time to work on myself and I said I knew and that I had already booked some self defence classes, a half lie. I told her I loved her and said that I saw a future for us together but knew there was a good chance that this was it. During our conversation she ranted about her hatred of her father and the probability that her mother was going to kick him out. She also revealed that someone had sent a solicitors letter to the house saying that he had sexually assaulted her. When she said that we both cried. Whew. Anyway, things are tough for me not seeing her for the past few days, but I'm really worried about her mental health at all this coming out. Anyone have any advice, jesus my fingers hurt!!

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Originally Posted by skryne23

She also revealed that someone had sent a solicitors letter to the house saying that he had sexually assaulted her. When she said that we both cried.

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I'm confused by that sentence. Someone sent a letter to the house saying your ex was sexually assaulted by her father? Wouldn't she know that already? If it was from somebody else, is there some reason to believe this? I don't get why you were both crying? I'm so confused.

As for the rest, you seem like you know what you have to do. You have to give her the space she requests. She also gave you some great advice, that being to work on yourself. I also get the impression she's wanted out for some time and now with the other things going on in her life this was the time for her to get out.

This time is now yours, take it for yourself and start doing some things that benefit and strengthen you. The first step is to quit talking to her and provide her with the space she asked for.

Has she ever sought psychological attention? I believe she cannot have any relationship, let alone handle a marriage and the things that come with it without being "healed".

It seems that this combination, is not working, at this moment in time. I'm sure with some psychological help, a "break" from this relationship would do both of you some good. After all this, and the psychologist thinks she is indeed ready for a marriage, you can both start seeing a couples therapist and take it nice and slow.

That's my two pennies.

Sarah

Your already doing what you have to do, giving her space as she has asked. The next move is hers but call in a week and check in out of concern. I too was confused, about the abuse part.

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Originally Posted by skryne23

She said the break would give me time to work on myself and i said i knew and that i had already booked some self defence classes, a half lie.

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I believe her telling you this means she is unhappy of something about you.

Give her the space she asked for. Let her make the first move to contact you and go from there.

When we met first her father was very important to her but in the last couple of months their relationship has really soured. The solicitors/lawyers letter was from another person who claimed that my (ex?? )girlfriends father had assaulted them (hope that's clearer). When she told me this she broke down crying and because I care for her I started crying too. She's also seeing a counsellor next week about her problems. Love her to bits but I know this is a time to be selfish and think of me not her.

You are doing everything right, she asked for space and you are giving it to her. There really isn't too much else we can tell you because you are in the right direction. Just stay busy

Threads merged, and edited.


During the break I did my best to give her the space she asked for and did nc to the best of my abilities. Didn't do any stalking, text bombardments, get angry or any other bad stuff. In fact I think I acted very mature over the last few weeks considering I'm losing the woman I love.

Anyhow I was in her town today seeing a guy about a business proposal. Parked my van outside this fellas shop and when I got out the first person I saw was my ex. She crosses the street and we start chatting. I told her she looked great (she did) and I was all smiles and friendly. Asked her for a coffee and she said yes. We walked down the street towards the café but just before we got there she stopped and said "I'm not comfortable with this."
I said fair enough and walked away. I rang a while later and said "sorry if i freaked you out earlier" and she said "well you did."
I can't understand why she's so uncomfortable around me. Sad after such a long time together she just can't bear to be around me. Ho humm.:confused:

I don't know the details of your relationship, but why do you think it is something you did, and why did you apology for being cordial. She is the one who is freaked out by it, why are you sorry. The relationship is over what is there to figure out?


She probably thought you were following or stalking her who knows, maybe that is why she felt weird.

She asked for a breakup, you obliged, end of the story. Trying to analyze why she acts like that is a waste of time. My ex does the same thing... she will freak out if she sees me, as if we don't know each other or something, just really weird. Just carry on doing your thing and try not to overcomplicate the actions of a female. You would get farther staring at a rock.

Yeah, I reckon you're both right, its just weird that when you do everything you can to be a mature adult during the break-up she still freaks out. I gave her all the space she asked for and as for stalking her, the last time I checked it wasn't her town and I occasionally work and socialise there.
I want to get back with her but understand its her choice. Also we had a great 6 years together and she was VERY supportive when my father died after a 2 year battle with cancer. Perhaps I shouldn't care how she reacts around me but I still love and care for her and I still haven't found the button to turn off my feelings.

You don't turn your feelings off, you just learn to control them (or perhaps the effect they have on you). That's all anyone can do.

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Originally Posted by skryne23

Yeah, i reckon you're both right, its just weird that when you do everything you can to be a mature adult during the break-up she still freaks out. i gave her all the space she asked for and as for stalking her, the last time i checked it wasn't her town and i occasionally work and socialise there.
I want to get back with her but understand its her choice. Also we had a great 6 years together and she was VERY supportive when my father died after a 2 year battle with cancer. Perhaps i shouldn't care how she reacts around me but i still love and care for her and i still haven't found the button to turn off my feelings.

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She could have also freaked out because she was doing the NC just as you are and you were out of sight out of mind, then WHAMO! you show up and ruined her whole freaking day, now she has to get that anxiety past her all over again.

No, other way around, I was doing the whole nc thing and whammo, I get a phone call from her 3 days ago asking me something about the car, we bought together, paperwork. That annoyed me because the week before we had said our goodbyes and I said it be better if we stayed apart for a while. And she crossed the street to talk to me, she could have waved.

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Originally Posted by skryne23

No, other way around, i was doing the whole nc thing and whammo, i get a phone call from her 3 days ago asking me something about the car, we bought together, paperwork. That annoyed me because the week before we had said our goodbyes and i said it be better if we stayed apart for a while. And she crossed the street to talk to me, she could have waved.

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Next time don't answer let her leave a message. That is if you answered.

Yeah you're right. I answered the phone call and it really annoyed me, the nervous tone in her voice, the subject matter, the fact she was even ringing me. Then later I felt guilty about being annoyed. The way I see it I should be the one being uncomfortable around her, she hurt me, she breaks nc over stupid reasons, she's the one that talks on the phone with that stupid nervous voice like I some kind of terrorist holding her family for ransom. I reckon I'm dealing with this better than she is and she's the dumper.

She freakout before, she did it again, hmmm, she may freak out yet again if you let her.

You both were caught off guard.

Yeah, she's freaking out all right. The things that's annoying me though is that my behaviour inside and out of the relationship does not warrant this behaviour. If I was a or angry I'd understand, but I wasn't.
I haven't raised my voice, called her names, been aggressive or weird. Really wish she hadn't rang me Monday or saw her today. It just makes me mad.
Also, the idea of the coffee was so we could sit down and I could explain to her why I was off on the phone with her and how I thought it would be a good idea to break contact for a while. Can't do this on the phone because of that bloody nervous voice of hers that sounds like she's bracing herself for a barrage of swear words and bile.
It be nice to be able to do this like adults who shared six years of their life together.
ARSE

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Originally Posted by skryne23

Yeah, shes freaking out alright. The things thats annoying me though is that my behaviour inside and out of the relationship does not warrant this behaviour. If i was a or angry i'd understand, but i wasn't.
I haven't raised my voice, called her names, been aggresive or weird. Really wish she hadnt rang me monday or saw her today. It just makes me mad.
Also, the idea of the coffee was so we could sit down and i could explain to her why i was off on the phone with her and how i thought it would be a good idea to break contact for a while. Can't do this on the phone because of that bloody nervous voice of hers that sounds like shes bracing herself for a barrage of swear words and bile.
It be nice to be able to do this like adults who shared six years of their life together.
ARSE

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I know six years is a good enough time, but sometimes people grow apart. It doesn't always have to be something you did to make her want to leave.

Change is inevitable, growth is optional.

Good point, she said the reason we broke up is because she needs to prove to herself she can stand on her own 2 feet (her self confidence isn't great) and I respect that. I also reckon that when she moves to college in a different city it'll be a new start for her. A chance to cut out all the stress form earlier in the year, unfortunately that also include me.
Life is about growing, facing up to your responsibilities and dealing with pain and loss (my fathers death taught me that). But life can be fantastic and although I love and want this woman I don't need her and can survive without her.