Hello,

A month ago I found out that my husband had been secretly having a close friendship with a co-worker.

We have a long distance marriage and hopefully be together soon.

I will detail some of the most important things that happened between the two of them:

- He went out in a group of friends (he has pictures with her, very close pictures, during the party and they were drinking heavily), came back and went to her apartment where he drank with her (allegedely) very late at night. He had his phone switched off and lied to me afterwards about his whereabouts.

- He went out drinking with her at least once that he can remember in the evening, just the two of them.

- He stayed again with her in their office after an office party, again late at night and drinking (he also took close up pictures of her while doing this) while I was in the hospital the next day after a surgery.

- He was planning on going out with her again but they just did not find an open bar.

- He told her about our fights and about our relationship.

- He was chatting constantly with her, and they were meeting at work as well.

- He never told me about this, I found out by myself and when confronted, he said it was just a close friendship. He did not feel comfortable telling me about it because I do not like for him to have female friends, which he always had before meeting me. He also continued to lie about the extent of their relationship until he finally came clean with (I hope) everything. He says he never heard of emotional affairs before but knew that the relationship with her was wrong and did not want to hurt me by telling me. He says he would not have ever told me if I did not find out.

- After me losing sleep and sanity on it, he finally understood the extent of his wrongful behavior. He stopped all contact with her (although at the beginning he still wanted to work with her because he enjoyed the work, he does not work with her anymore, not because I told him so but because it became professionally unwise and not beneficial). He started telling me where he is and what he is doing constantly. He also stopped blaming me for his actions (since at the beginning he said he could not talk to me, this is why he felt more comfortable talking to her). He also says he was never consciously attracted to her (although he admits that the pictures he has taken of her were flirtatious). He says that he enjoyed her more than he enjoyed me at the time.

- Some days I feel like I can do it, some days I feel like once the trust is gone, there is nothing there anymore, and it will never be. Like a vase that is broken and we try to fix it, even if glued, it is never whole again. I still obsess over this and it still hurts tremendously. And I am often think of divorce as the only solution.

- Will it stop, the hurt I mean, will I stop hurting? Did he really have an EA? Sometimes I want to believe he did not so that I can trust him again, although I honestly know he did have an EA. Any advice?

Thank you.

It can work if he continues to be open and honest with you. It takes time to rebuild trust... sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Hopefully he has learned how important it is not to allow yourself to be in a situation where things can go too far. Some people flirt as part of their personality, sometimes not even really realizing that it comes off as that, but they know how far to take it. Some will get caught up in it and it will go too far... when it becomes secretive, when it is something you would not want your spouse to know about, those are some red flags that the line has been crossed.

You will stop hurting, but it will always be there in some small way, in the back of your mind. It won't occupy your thoughts so much as time goes on, you will build new memories with your husband, you may even find you are closer than you were before for having weathered this rough patch.

Hope it works out well for you!

Thank you for your encouraging thoughts.

Another issue is that I know, rationally, that is almost impossible for a married man to go drinking with another woman in her apartment so late at night while keeping his mobile switched off and still say that nothing happened.

However, he claims that I should believe him that nothing happened.

How do I reconcile my desire to believe that they did not become romantic in any manner and my reason telling me that I should not be a fool? Most people would not believe in this situation that nothing happened between the two of them. And, since he lied to me for so long, and even after I found out, how could I really take only his word for it? My own little detective work did not prove anything yet.

Thank you.

You'll have to decide whether you are going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Certainly given the lies and the situation it would be extremely difficult not to wonder if something more went on, but since he has not come forward with it, it remains unknown.

If something did happen, would it make a difference at your rebuilding the relationship? Would it change the fact that he seems to be trying to make ammends at this point?

It will eat you up to wonder about it and what purpose would it serve if you did know now? Would you act on it or would it only serve to cause you more pain? Would you definitely end the marriage if you found out 3 months from now that he had indeed cheated more than he said? Those are questions you will have to consider.

It will be difficult not to wonder for sometime... but again, look to the effort he makes to improve things, to make things right again. That will tell you more about where his heart is.

Hello again:)

Yes, if I knew that there was anything physical going on, I would end our marriage. It would not be the physical part that would be important, it would be the continuous lie.
I hope I find a way to... find the truth. Being honest is the essential part in any relationship I am in, not only in my marriage.

Thank you a lot for your kind messages.

Yes, this was an emotional affair, whether it was physical remains a mystery.

Emotional affairs can be even more devastating then physical affairs, because your husband got emotionally involved, even stated that at the time he enjoyed his time with her more then you.

You have a huge hurdle to overcome to salvage your marriage, but it sounds as though your husband is putting his better foot forward. While it is late for that, you have to determine if it is too late. Whether you can rebuild a foundation of trust again.

Some partners do learn from affairs the quality of respecting and honoring their partner. They choose to never stray and put themselves and their loved ones through that pain again. Some partners don't and are easily susceptible to reoccuring affairs because they crave the attention a new love interest can bring.

Perhaps marriage counseling would help you both stay on the right track and work through this. Keep in mind, getting through this is completely in your court. Some women can get past an affair and if you forgive your husband you have to be able to in time let this go. Holding it over his head will only drive the wedge in further and it is terribly difficult to let go of.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Klarika

Hello again:)

Yes, if I knew that there was anything physical going on, I would end our marriage. It would not be the physical part that would be important, it would be the continuous lie.
I hope I find a way to... find the truth. Being honest is the essential part in any relationship I am in, not only in my marriage.

Thank you a lot for your kind messages.

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I hope you do find out one way or another, but as was said, if you keep it to the forefront too often, or for too long, you run the risk of him feeling that he can never make it up to you. There can be a fine line between being open and honest, and working through the issue, and never letting someone forget. I know it can be tempting to want to "make him pay"... even if in just subtle ways.

I know very well that not knwoing if someone is lying anymore can be the end of a relationship. If he is lying, it may be in hopes of not hurting you anymore than he aleady has, it may be that he wants to work on the your marriage and not lose what he has, it may be in hopes of just not getting in trouble, who knows. There is a good chance you won't ever know for sure, so for now maybe try to focus on what is being done to put things right. Counseling can is a good idea... some couples will find it to be very helpful and it may even help speed the healing process along.

It's an awful experience to have to go through, I know... I hope things work out well for you... however it eventually goes.

Coming back with new information.

There appears to really have been just a friendship, apparently kept secret since I did not agree with female friends. I tend to believe this is the truth based on some logical connections I am making. Of course, I can never be sure.

However, I know that the definition of an emotional affair is based on secrecy.

Do I understand correctly that any secret relationship with a person of the opposite sex that involves sharing of marriage issues is an emotional affair regardless of the fact that there was no clear sign of romantic connection between the two? Bottom line, does only secrecy qualifies it as an emotional affair?

Thank you.

Maybe they are just friends... however he put himself in positions that would make many people question that... going to her apartment and drinking, lying to you about where he is, turning off his phone, drinking at the office after hours with her, etc..

Either more was going on, or more might have gone on at some point if you hadn't started to question things, or he was just really foolish in his actions. You just don't put yourself in those types of situations when you are married.

Certainly men and women can be friends with nothing more going on, but that usually doesn't involve secrecy and lies about the friendship.

Having a friend of the opposite sex isn't the issue, how they were keeping that "friendship" secret is what is at issue. Personally, I would still wonder about the whole situation.

I would like to present a slightly different perspective.

I don't think that the core issue is whether he had an EA or not. The issue is that he sought to have fun with, and confide in someone else because he doesn't feel that he can do those things with you.

You admit that you don't like him to have female friends when clearly he has enjoyed female company in the past. Clearly you are insecure and fearful, otherwise why would you attempt to control your husband in this way?

I would like to suggest that instead of trying to control him and get him to admit his 'wrongness' in all this, you ask yourself why he might have behaved in this way - what is it about your relationship with him that needs to be improved?

I think that your focus on the 'emotional affair' is just a way of avoiding responsibility for the part that you played in creating this scenario. You are putting all your energies into obsessing about if it was an EA or not, instead of taking the positive step of learning from this experience and working on yourself and your relationship.

I think alcohol played a major role here. It seems like every interaction with her started with they hanging out in bar to get a few drinks or he going to her house for some drinks. Then the scary part is that he can't remember come important details or choosing not to or is just lying.

You stated you was okay with him having female friends but the fact he tried his best to hide this friendship speaks volumes. I wonder if you didn't find out about when you did what would've been the outcome?

Hanging out with her in a public area is okay but hanging out at her place while drinking doesn't fly right in my book because now they are in isolated area with alcohol who knows what happen? I can only guess and it doesn't help that he is claiming short term amnesia.

I must ask you does your husband has a drinking problem before I comment any further?

Point taken into consideration, however I did agree with the idea of having friends of the opposite sex, he has some that I know of and I have my own. This is his own explanation for the situation.

And, still, would you consider this type of behavior that I described in my post appropriate?

Thank you. Valuable input is often contradictory, so I appreciate it.

Long distance marriage? How long has this been a long distance marriage.

Any kind of relationship that is long distance has many more strains on it then people who are close.

How long have you known each other? How long have you been apart for? Long distance meaning.

I agree with Liz, "I think alcohol played a major role here."

She asked if your husband has a drinking problem. No need for you to answer; he does. If alcohol causes problems in your life, you have a problem with it.

A problem drinker may do inappropriate things with all the wrong people. This friend of his is not truly the other woman. Booze is his best friend... Just a guess. Hope I'm wrong.