I am 53 married and in love with a 30 years old straight guy for the last 12 years. He loves me a great deal. We have sex regularly. In the beginning he was a little awkward but now he is passionate. There is one problem though. He is attracted to girls. In the past he never used to date girls as it would have hurt me. He begged me to let him have a girl on the side but I never agreed. Now he has got married. Not that he loves her. But he has passionate sex with her. Tells me everything about his time spent with her. Even shows me his sex videos with her. More over we still continue to have passionate sex. We truly still love each other. The problem is my jealousy. I find it difficult to see him having sex with her. I know he will be heart broken if I leave him. But this is torture. Yet, at this age, to give up the best thing that ever happened to me? What should I do?

You are both married. He's bi, and you are watching videos of him making love with his wife. Hmmm...

Does she know? What made him get married? Do you expect that both your wives will enjoy the videos with you? Do your wives matter?

Sounds like you are headed for the rocks, one way or another. Get your head out of your genitals and think out the trajectory of this relationship.

Hi,
I guess you missed the fact that when we fell in love he was only 18 and I 40. If being passionate with me makes him BI, yes he is. Otherwise he has never shown interest in a same sex act. Then 12 years of commitment is a long time. We both know that we cannot live without each other. We have vowed to be together till the last day of our lives. The question here is that should I allow him this act of straight sex on the side, with his wife, without feeling bad ( He literally begs me to ) or as you say think about the trajectory of our relationship? BTW both wives do not know and accept us as friends.

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Originally Posted by lighty

Hi,
I guess you missed the fact that when we fell in love he was only 18 and I 40. If being passionate with me makes him BI, yes he is. Otherwise he has never shown interest in a same sex act. Then 12 years of commitment is a long time. We both know that we cannot live without each other. We have vowed to be together till the last day of our lives. The question here is that should I allow him this act of straight sex on the side, with his wife, without feeling bad ( He literally begs me to ) or as you say think about the trajectory of our relationship? BTW both wives do not know and accept us as friends.

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No, the question here is should you divorce your wives and show them the respect they deserve.
Should you feel bad about him sleeping with his wife? No, you should feel bad about him cheating on his wife with you.
I don't care if you two met each other before you met your wives, if they do not know about it and don't consent to it, it is cheating and to be honest a damn low act.

Heck the new liberal thoughts today, you all move in together, no worst than what you are doing today.

So you have a secret lover, and your both lying, and cheating, on wives who have no clue your both living on the down low.

I find it amusing your jealous of him, doing the same thing your doing. I also find it very disturbing you expect him to act any different than you have taught him is acceptable.

You may not want to hear this, but what's good for the goose, is good for the gander. Get over yourself, and rethink your lying cheating ways, that are totally selfish.

Imagine for a moment, what your wives, friends, colleagues, and most important, your children will go through when they find out about you. Eventually, they will find out and suffer for your acts.

Yes, you and he have an intimate bond that satisfies you. But your deceit and betrayal have got to twist you up inside. You call this love? Worshiping your orgasm at the high probability of causing suffering in people close to you is not love.

Let him have a chance with his wife. Deprive yourself of this pleasure for the sake of the people you will hurt when your relationship comes out. Or, come out together, reveal your homosexuality, and make a life with each other without making the people who love you pay for it.

Hey I'm sorry to tell you that u are thinking in a selfish way... and you don't love him that much because if you do love him u would be happy to him because he is happy.. it must not hurt you because he has feelings of love towards you too.. and for your jealousy part, as I said, if u truly and deeply believe that u love him and care for him u would understand his position, and put in mind " Where there is a will,there is a way".

I can't believe this.

You're both married, how about working on that relationship, that commitment?

You have no right to be jealous that he's sleeping with his wife, that's his WIFE! You're just the lover on the side, you get what you get when you get it, like it or lump it. You have no rights to this man, he's married, as are you!

Why are you living this way? If both of you are in love then end your marriages to these poor clueless women and be together. It's really a no brainer!

What you are doing is not fair to the women you both decided to marry. If you're gay, then be in a gay relationship, no more hiding it from everyone and hurting everyone.

Cheating is cheating, and that's what you're doing. That makes you a cheater, the lowest of the low.

This is all on you, no one else. Only you can fix this.

Thanks for all the advice. I have been called a cheat, selfish and low. Dear friends, the point you all are not aware of is that we come from a society where we marry as per the wishes of our parents. Have kids and start loving them. Then do not want to divorce for the sake of our children,our personal suffering not withstanding. Is it wrong to get love on the side? All of you are concentrating on the sex part. What about our love for each other. He lives in my out house. I have an excellent relationship with his wife and family and vice versa. My wife knows that I am a bi and am emotionally bonded to this person. She is not happy but does not object as this bond makes me happy. Admitted that she is unaware of the sex and unaware of the fact that both of us exchanged vows and secretly married a few years ago. And friends all of you are missing the question. All I am asking is that should I let him enjoy on the side with his wife, as he is straight, without feeling bad about it. I never asked for sermons on morality or vice versa. We are committed to making our individual marriages work as also our mutual bonding. We are committed never to come out as this will hurt the very people we love. This might surprise you but I do love my wife and family. I also love his wife in a platonic way and will do nothing to hurt her. All we are doing is trying to get our share of love and happiness under the radar while keeping our loved ones happy. Hope you will understand now as to why he married. To keep everyone happy even at the cost of our unhappiness. Still if you guys feel that we are cheap and selfish then I am sorry you are advising without going deep into the crux of the matter and the mutual warmth and love floating all around amongst our two families.

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Originally Posted by lighty

Thanx for all the advice. I have been called a cheat, selfish and low. Dear friends, the point you all are not aware of is that we come from a society where we marry as per the wishes of our parents. Have kids and start loving them. Then do not want to divorce for the sake of our children,our personal suffering not withstanding. Is it wrong to get love on the side? All of you are concentrating on the sex part. What about our love for each other. He lives in my out house. I have an excellent relationship with his wife and family and vice versa. My wife knows that I am a bi and am emotionally bonded to this person. She is not happy but does not object as this bond makes me happy. Admitted that she is unaware of the sex and unaware of the fact that both of us exchanged vows and secretly married a few years ago. And friends all of you are missing the question. All I am asking is that should I let him enjoy on the side with his wife, as he is straight, without feeling bad about it. I never asked for sermons on morality or vice versa. We are commited to making our individual marriages work as also our mutual bonding. We are committed never to come out as this will hurt the very people we love. This might surprise you but I do love my wife and family. I also love his wife in a platonic way and will do nothing to hurt her. All we are doing is trying to get our share of love and happiness under the radar while keeping our loved ones happy. Hope you will understand now as to why he married. To keep everyone happy even at the cost of our unhappiness. Still if you guys feel that we are cheap and selfish then I am sorry you are advising without going deep into the crux of the matter and the mutual warmth and love floating all around amongst our two families.

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Your cultural background is no excuse for cheating.The bottom line is he is not going to sacrifice anything for you so you should accept that and move on.There is no future for the two of you together.

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Originally Posted by lighty

All I am asking is that should I let him enjoy on the side with his wife, as he is straight, without feeling bad about it.

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Yes. If your love is as you profess, and you expect love to float around your families, then you will have a better result is you feel only generosity toward him.

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Still if you guys feel that we are cheap and selfish then I am sorry you are advising without going deep into the crux of the matter and the mutual warmth and love floating all around amongst our two families.

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My advice is this: If you are deceiving your families, you will most likely be found out, and when you are found out, people who love you will be deeply hurt. If you have a secret marriage with him and it is the true one, I don't know how you can manage yourself without getting twisted around your deceptions.

In earlier posts, you said that he was busily screwing his wife. Your question was should you "allow him" to have sex with his wife without feeling bad? If your position is not that generous about them having love floating all around their house, how do you convince yourself that your magnanimity is genuine?

Thanks for the consideration. I am not generous or magnanimous. He is screwing his wife because he got married last month and he was a almost a virgin at the time of his marriage. The only time he had sex with any girl was when we were together doing it with a mutual friend many years ago. Naturally he is all excited. If I am aware of his sexual activity I am able to digest it better. I do not know why. Believe you me I genuine want him to enjoy sex with his wife. It is just that it hurts to share him. But yes I know I have to accept this part of him. I feel like very low when he begs for me to understand that in spite of the fact that he loves me and is sexually attracted to me his straight side attracts him to the opposite sex. He pleads with me to understand and promises not to touch his wife if I do not agree. I am in a dilemma. I love him too much to deny him his pleasure. Moreover what is stopping him from cheating on me? He even says, "if I want I can cheat on you and you will never know but I love you too much to do that." Hence my difficulty is how to agree to his request without hurting. Honest to GOD I do want his happiness. PLEASE DO UNDERSTAND ME.

Well... if you really want this absurd behavior to continue tell you wives
I'm sure they would be more than happy to let you to continue to have sex... oh wait... this is earth, not sex-planet-9


And yes I completely understand you when you say you want his happiness.
Which is why you should have no further contact with him, it is the only way to ensure he lives out a happy life.

Or you could be together forever, you just have to both leave your wives to do so.

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Still if you guys feel that we are cheap and selfish then I am sorry you are advising without going deep into the crux of the matter and the mutual warmth and love floating all around amongst our two families.

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That's seems to be everyone's problem here, we cannot get past the relationship that is built on lies and deceit, for whatever the reason, but since you have chosen it, and it has grown way out of proportion, and engulfed many others lives, it's a façade of real love, as it would destroy you all if the facts are known. Your jealousy is founded in that deceit and is but a consequence of your own actions.

In other words, get over your feelings in the regard to your married lovers choices or get gone, as you have no standing for complaint of his actions, or how he conducts his own affairs.

I'm sure he can find someone who is less demanding to cheat with.

I think both of your guys are SICK , you should left your wife(I feel sorry for her) and your lover,then isolate yourself and THINK what is rigth and what is wrong ,where we coming from,who we are and what are we doing here .

we are sick!! I should not bother how he conducts his life!! Well, A relationship is a relationship and it is here to stay albeit secretly. We have given each other the right on each others lives. Hence the so called inteference in his life. And why do you advise us to tell our wives? All we will achieve is to make them unhappy without gaining more than what we already have. Sorry friends, I am a medical professional myself and I find your advice totally out of tune with the ground reality and based mostly on your fixed moralistic values. To be able to render the proper advice you must identify with us and feel what we feel. I do not see any one benefitting from the heartless advice being rendered here. I am the one who is seeking advice not my wife. And please do not feel sorry for my wife. She is very happy in her oblivion. Please reserve yourself proclaimed riteous behaviour for some one else. Even GOD says not to sayeth the truth that hurts. And you want me to tell my wife! Thanks but no thanks. Kindly consider this thread closed.

What makes you different than any other cheater, in the world? Can you explain that to me so I can understand, and empathize?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

What makes you different than any other cheater, in the world? Can you explain that to me so I can understand, and empathize??

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Empathise with me for what? I refuse to join issue with you about me being a cheat or not. Even if I am the biggest cheat in the world you should advise me for my problem rather than admonishing me for something that drives me. I shall be grateful if you could explain to me why my cheating has become an impediment to you analysing my need and suggesting a solution for it. You are trying to cure the disease by killing the patient. Please do not do this. Concentrate on my issue rather than your mental blocks regarding the morality of the issue at hand. If all doctors started telling off patients who drink and get liver failure, we will have a bigproblem.

I just can't believe you guys are answering on this thread lol... This is complete stupidity... This guy needs therapy!