Ask Me Help Desk - Not sure what to think.

I have been with my b/f for 6 months... we spent a lot of time together, laughed a lot, got along really well. He would tell me things once in a while like he loves me and wants a cabin in the woods with the humming bird feeders with me, etc... he play cd's for me and would sing to me (usually when he was tipsy). I found an apartment that is closer to him and my job last month (will be moving next saturday) and decided to ask him if he wanted to move in together, and he said that he wasn't ready yet, (although 2 months before that he seen an apartment up the street from him for the both of us to look at, but I wasn't ready at that point) that said that maybe later in the summer he will be. Well, a little bit after that he started sort of being a little distant, still wanted me around and even called me on the days that I wasn't with him, but like emotionally distant. He would make comments that would sort of pertain to us not having a future together, then last week he brought up out of the blue on the phone that in about 3 months, when he knows that his job is stable (just started there 6 weeks ago), that he wants to move in with me... that he wants to make sure its stable first so that I don't end up having an unemployed b/f living with me. I thought it was sweet. Well last night on the phone (after spending time together the night before and it going good, having fun, etc.. ) he broke up with me, told me that he doesn't feel the attraction anymore. So I told him that I would be going to get my stuff, etc... we talked for about 30 minuttes, the conversation was very respectful. He said that I didn't need to rush with that (getting my stuff), he said that he loves my company and that this sucks, and that he wants to be friends. I told him that I can't be "just friends" and that I wouldn't be hanging out with him anymore, because of my feelings, he understood and said that maybe he is just confused and needs space to figure things out. I just don't know what to think, or what to do... I love him, don't want to loose him, but I'm just not sure what to think or do. Why would he be telling me one thing and then be wishy washy at other times, then all of the sudden out of the blue break up with me? Any advice would be appreciative. Thank you

If nothing happened to make him pull away from you, like an argument or something, it sounds like he got closer than he's comfortable being. Part of him would like to live with you, but the independent teenager within him is balking at the prospect.

You went from girlfriend to mother figure in the back of his mind when he thought seriously about living together. It's cozy (no hurry getting your stuff) and scary (he needs space to figure things out) and he's not attracted to you any more (that would be incest).

Some guys do that as part of growing up. They model Mom in their minds and place their model onto their mate like a template. Women do it too with Dad. Then they find out that the person they are with is a unique human being and a new relationship can start. Give him plenty of room to process it. It's just a developmental step, but it can take a long time.

If you continue seeing each other, don't expect him to mature fast. Be a friend, but don't compromise yourself or doubt yourself.

Thank you! That is a new insight I never even thought of. I was thinking he was a little scared of the commitment. He also told me on the phone this break up is worse than his divorce ( was married for 5 yrs, divorced now for 7 yrs, she cheated on him), not sure what exactly he means by that. Do a lot of guys go through this pulling away process? If I don't get scrared of losing him and therefore clingy, but instead give him space (not call him at all), how long does this process take? And is that a good way to handle it?

Even though you spent a lot of time together, and got on very well, don't you think 6 months is a bit to soon to be making such grand future plans? I think the real issue, was he felt things moving to fast, and wanted to slow down, and see if that good thing would continue. Though he expressed it wrong, (friends?) I think his interest was still there (no hurry to move stuff) but wanted to proceed with caution. (divorce will make you that way)

I don't know if its to late, or not, but see no real reason, that you should not at least see what happens, at a slower pace, to be honest with you.

To much, to fast, crash and burn.

Yes your right 6 months is too soon, which is why when he brought it up about the apartment down the street from him and us moving in there, I wasn't ready, and then when I brought it up about moving into this apartment that I'm moving to next Saturday, he said he wasn't ready. I accepted it and didn't bring it up again (its been about 4 weeks since I asked him). I thought we were still getting along great, accept for the walls that were put up here and there since, but I thought we were trying to work through them, so this phone call last week was a surprise. The first response made a lot of sense, because he did say that he lost the attraction to me and I'm more like a sister. I'm going over there to get my stuff today... then I will go into no contact and see what happens from there. I would like to know if a lot of men go through the pull away process (for whatever reason, commitment, fear issues, etc... ) is this normal? I have just a couple friends who are single and they go through the same thing with men pulling away, needing space. In fact my sister went through it with her now husband of 17 yrs... she had to do the same thing I am doing, no contact.

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Originally Posted by pinkttulips

Thank you! That is a new insight I never even thought of. I was thinking he was a little scared of the commitment. He also told me on the phone this break up is worse than his divorce ( was married for 5 yrs, divorced now for 7 yrs, she cheated on him), not sure what exactly he means by that. Do a lot of guys go through this pulling away process? If I don't get scrared of loosing him and therefore clingy, but instead give him space (not call him at all), how long does this process take? And is that a good way to handle it?

Yes, a lot of guys go through this, and women have their own version. It's about emotional survival, but it usually is not a conscious process. It is why, when people get married, their first time is fine (could be days, months, years) because they are still "playing house" as they imagined homemaking would be when they were children. The trouble starts when they go into the second period.

In that second phase, the "real person" comes out, wanting to get their way, needing to express themselves, seeking love and indulgence by their spouse (who represents their opposite-sex parent) because, despite what they feel, they are still operating as children. They negotiate for what they want with behaviors they learned in grammar school and high school, and from watching their parents before that. Unless their parents were extraordinarily happy together, they don't have a mental model for how to live successfully with a mate who is your equal.

So they fight it out--that's what they know; kids fight--until they become tired of fighting. Only then, they start learning how to truly be an adult living in harmony with another adult. The real person doesn't come out for years. That true self waits until surrounded by trustworthy friends and in a safe environment. That's one of the benefits of an excellent marriage; 40 years later, your true nature emerges and you start a whole new adventure. (It is relatively rare.)

Since he says that the breakup with you is worse than his divorce, we can believe that he cares for you and has a deep emotional attachment to you. But since he initiated the breakup, you need to respect this conflict in him, and give him room to sort it out.

You are right: don't be clingy, don't call him; if he reaches out to you, be the friend you want to be. But don't count on him to work through this in time for you to be together with him. Love him and let him be. Go about your life with an open mind about his possibilities and about yours. Don't wait.

Last, don't put any meaning on the breakup that makes it about you. This is his. If my explanation is right, he would do this with anyone. Different people grow up indifferent ways, and everybody has something...

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Do a lot of guys go through this pulling away process?

Guys, and girls, go through this I think, and for sure when the honeymoon period is over, and the real work begins, things change, and most can't handle it very well, either from lack of social tools, or immaturity, inexperience, or just not compatible at a higher level than dating.

Time usually tells, if your patient, and pay attention, and know how to handle those intense feelings we have for others, and not let the feelings rule us.

Thank you all for the responses and advice! I am doing okay, this is the first real day of no contact, it's been hard at times. I went to his sister's today for a b-day party (he was not there), it was hard at times, had to hold back the tears, but I was able to control it and for the most part had a good time. Saturday he is going to help me move, so will be seeing him then and to be honest, I'm hoping that the next 5 days of no contact will help him to realize that he does have feelings for me and does want to be with me, but we will see. I may eventually have to let go completely, but I hope not.