It is really hard to be true and faithful.
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It is really hard to be true and faithful.
Personally in my opinion if you cannot to be faithful to your significant other or even to yourself you are not ready for marriage. When you love someone for who and what they are you should have no need or want to stray. Marriage is a mental, sprirtual and physical connection to one another and the vows spoken should never be broken. Now I'm not saying that people should never divorce. Some people just are not right for some people. But if you do love the person and they love you neither side should have problems with being faithful or true and honest.
Personally I don't think so... but of course it will depend on a person's personality.
I have had plenty of ups and downs in marriage but would never consider being unfaithful... it just doesn't enter the picture for me. Even if I see someone who is attractive, I might think, "Oh, he's really cute...nice arms", whatever, but that's as far as it goes.
I think it is part of how people handle the rough patches, that will come up from time to time, and how committed you are to the marriage and the relationship with your partner.
When things get challenging, the grass may seem greener on the other side... but you soon find that you still have to mow it... :)
Honestly in my opinion there is a difference between being unfaithful and looking at a person. My significant other and I talk about other men and women all the time if they are attractive, what we like about them etc... but that is not cheating or being unfaithful. Unfaithful to me is someone who looks, talks, then follows through with connecting either emotionally or physically and does not remain true to the person they say they care about (sexual actions are not the only form of cheating. Some people agree that emotional cheating is possible also
I agree there certainly is a difference... I was just suggesting that some people will feel a desire to follow through with action and involvement when they meet someone they feel is attractive... usually when they feel they aren't having their needs or wants met from their partner.
Many others will naturally notice attractive people, but they don't have any desire to pursue any sort of relationship with someone else.
Josiah,
No, I do not believe it hard to be faithful. It is a statement of your personal commitment to the marriage.
One story and one thought for you.
When we were in our mid twenties we moved from NY to Virginia Beach. The apartment complex had a pool and one day my lady and I were there with our son. Well a young very tan, very good looking woman waked by. She was only wearing a very skimpy white bikini.
From my position lying on the ground next to my wife, I watched the wonderful rhythmic walk from one end of the pool to the other. Then came the tap on the shoulder and the question, "What are you looking at?" Without thinking I simply said, "Her." and pointed.
First message to you, think before you respond! Second message Know what you are going to say!
Now the rule I've come to live by:
I don't go anywhere or do anything that I can't come home and tell my lady about. If there is something that I'm thinking of doing and I'm not sure, I will either call her and ask her if she minds, (a simple courtesy). If I know what she will say, then I also do not do it.
Want to guess how much trouble I've been able to stay out of just by being courteous to my lady?
Being faithful and true are the cornerstone of a good marriage. If you cannot be true to the one you claim to love, then how you can be true to yourself?
There are always going to be temptations in our lives. As human beings we are very emotional, not at all like animals, their only thought is survival, love, feelings, they don't enter into it. There is no jealousy in the animal world, no "cheating" or loss of trust.
As human beings we have a choice. We can choose to be faithful to our partners, or choose to stray. There is no such thing as an accidental affair, or not being able to help yourself, you have free will, it's all up to you.
I love my husband. Could I find happiness elsewhere? I'm sure I could, but I choose not to.
Am I attracted to other men? Yes, I'm human, married, not dead, but I don't allow myself to be put into a situation where I could cheat. It's a conscious choice, and only you can make it.
I was once attracted to this guy at work and we had to spend time together as we were cooks in a restaurant.He was always flirting.We were in a busy kitchen so we often touched to move each other aside.It happens in that line of work.Every time he touched me I got such a rush.It was such a turn-on.
I felt that if I did not do something proactive I was going to cheat.
Since I knew the limitation of my resolve,I decided not to tempt fate and quit.
Attractions might happen,but what you do after that is up to you.
I knew I loved my BF and I did not want to sacrifice a roll in the hay for our committed relationship.
I was overwhelmed with guilt simply because I had a physical reaction to this guy.If I had cheated I would never have forgiven myself.
Have to agree with altenweg, being faithful is a choice and if you really are in love with someone you will not want to stray and you will not put yourself into situations where you could cheat. Are you still going to notice other people, yes. Are other people still going to notice you, hopefully :). But at the end of the day, it's your spouse that should put that goofy grin on your face and they should be the one that you can't wait to get your hands on at night. Being a young mother and wife myself I have noticed other men who are attractive and may have even had a fantasy and a dream or two but I would never actually pursue anything with anyone else because when you step back and look at the big picture a meaningless fling is not worth losing the man you love and the family and life you have or will build together. Anyone can get or be a piece of a@#, but having a good marriage and family are things that not everyone is lucky enough to have and are things that everyone wants whether they admit it or not. At some point in your life what you have means nothing if you don't have someone you love to share it with, someone who is as committed to you as you are to them. Good luck and if you love this person put some effort into making it work. Try new things, act out personal fantasies. Make your needs known so that you can be fulfilled in your relationship and not feel the need to look elsewhere.
Marrige is hard because u have to take care of a lot of things and u have to work hard to keep it...
Most marriages don't end over truth and faithfulness, cheating is not the largest problem,
It is really lack of commitment, when it gets hard, people just want to quit, Money is really the largest issue, greed, who earns more, how it is spent, :MY money or YOUR money is by far the biggest issue in marriage.
Most couples never cheat, never would consider it,
I'm going to play devil's advocate here and say this, when two people are attracted to each other, their brain releases a chemical called PEA, the same 'high' you get after snorting cocoine. I understand what everyone is saying about choosing our actions etc. but I feel we should start with the understanding that attraction triggers addictive physical reactions that need to be dealt with like any other addiction. That is often why we sometimes long to be with someone who we know isn't good for us either because they mistreat us, or we aren't compatible, or we are already in a committed relationship.
Another thing is that there are numerous studies out there that suggest that human beings aren't natural monogomous. For example, 99% of men's sperm are non-fertile, and these non-fertile sperm act as either 'blockers' or 'seek-and-destroy', blocking entry to other men's sperm to the uterus or seeking other men's sperm and destroying them.
In my opinion, focus should be placed on avoiding the attraction stage altogether (prevention), because once you let yourself get into that kind of situation, I don't think it's as easy as deciding not to act on the attraction/feelings, it takes tremedous willpower and many fail because you are in essence fighting against nature.
I strongly believe that if people were more open to the above, they would be in a better position to avoid temptation altogether. Smoking is addictive therefor do not contemplate that first cigarette, that sort of idea...
I'm just more of a 'measure-manage-control' sort of person, just my personality maybe but I find that many people would like to forget that men are meant to spread their seed and women are meant to receive it, but the reality is that we live in a society with its own set of rules so let's look at what's the best approach to the confilct, and yes in my opinion, it is in fact a conflict. People may disagree but the alarming statistics on cheating spouses may support my claim.
Hmmm dragon I am not sure if I buy the attraction bit in full. It is true that we experience a high when we first meet someone that we are attracted too. But it is a natural human characteristic and I'm not sure it's a desire that can be kicked to the curb.
Then theirs the actual act of cheating/infedelity I look at it different these days as I'm currently going to marry a man that I know cheats constantly. We've been apart for the last 6 months, but I know he has multiple women. The fact that he cheats no longer herts me and it took a lot out of me to figure out why I don't hurt anymore, when it comes to his infidelity.
The reason why is because I had to look at what actually hurts the most is it his cheating on me or is it me that's allowing the cheating to hurt me. Lets be honest here when we find out our partners is cheating on us the first thought that jumps to mind is "how can they do that to me". Yep it's the "me" part that brings on all the hurt and pain. The me part is so closly related to our ego and that is what leads to emotional demise.
Once I figured its my ego that hurts the most and not the actually cheating I was able to come to terms with it and now its like water under the bridge. Curbing my ego helped to simultaneously curb the pain.
I guess taming my ego and putting it in check comes from my spiritual beliefs that where all on this earth to correct flaws in our nature and no individual you meet in this life is by coincidence so you choosing to marry and stay in the marriage is all part of the master plan for your soul. Finally I believe cheating can only hurt if you let it.
I respect your views and beliefs but that is the most disturbing thing I have ever heard. What in the world has happened to you to make you devalue yourself sooooooo much that you would tolerate and even marry someone who cannot be faithful probably due to his own self esteem issues and his need to prove "he's still got it". You're dang straight that it hurts to be cheated on and it has nothing to do with your ego, it's because it is an act of out and out disrespect toward you by someone who is supposed to love and cherish only you and it's a violation of your trust toward a person. Now if you're into swinging or something I guess there's a whole other set of rules, I wouldn't know but to just put up with it? Does this guy have a gold c@#! Or what lady?Quote:
Originally Posted by lighterrr
Its not denial people and I know I would take a lot of heat for my views its as simple as it sounds, someone cheats you feel violated, hurt, lied too etc, because you and your ego are one in the same. Once you acknowledge that your ego will not control your emotions and you will be the cause and not the effect in your life dealing with infidelity is really not that difficult.Quote:
Originally Posted by jandtspencer
But you know he cannot be faithful and you are okay with that? You won't let your ego get in the way? I'm sorry but I just don't get it. Better to be alone than have constant drama and lie to yourself saying that you will not let your spouses infedelity affect you. Spouse and infedelity don't usually go together hand in hand. Not judging just way over my head, best of luck to you and hope you don't get a disease from him or have to deal with a pregnancy of another woman he is fooling around with, then will you be able to push your ego aside?
There is a big leap between total acceptance and *not that difficult*.Quote:
Originally Posted by lighterrr
I'm not trying to be disrespectful here I just question how you can rid yourself of your ego.
Your ego is your sense of self.By some sort of acknowledgment of control of self you claim that you can't be hurt by cheating.
Saying that would be akin to saying nothing can affect you and nobody can do anything to get into your head.You are impervious to pain inflicted by another person.
Just debating here,not making a judgment one way or another.You are not the op after all and its none of my concern,I just think it sounds like self hypnotic psycho babble.
I don't see what the issue here is. If she says her husband's infidelity doesn't bother her, to me that resembles an open marriage type of arrangement.
Everyone may feel differently but it doesn't necessarily mean she's in denial or she's in a terrible situation.
I know many women who are bothered by their husband's lack of sensitivity towards them, I used to be bothered by it but after spending many years doing a 'man' type hobby and dealing with the insensitive side of men, it no longer bothers me because it doesn't bruise my ego. If I'm spoken to in a jerkiesh (that's probably not a word) manner, I brush it off and let it go. You can argue with me on how I shouldn't be putting up with it all you want, it doesn't change the fact that it doesn't bother me.
I know that this example is far from being comparable to cheating but despite the scale of the matter, I don't think we should be trying to convince someone that something should bother them when it doesn't, unless of course the husband was being abusive.
Bottom line to me is that if we accept open marriages in our society, then this isn't all that different. Accepting her husband's infidelity is as much a choice as having an open marriage, if it doesn't bother her and she's fine with it, who am I to judge.
If she said they had an open marriage I would say good for you.It the whole idea of somehow dismissing the ego or the self in order to find a coping strategy that rings false to me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonfly1234
It isn't the concept of an open marriage,it's the ego can be put on the shelf,I am impervious to pain from any human that I find hard to swallow as believable.
Bottom line ,I really don't care :)
Different strokes and all that!
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