Ask Me Help Desk - How to keep a hot marriage going?

Me and my husband have been married for 6 years in October. Up until this year we have had a great marriage, lots of sex - he's a nympho! Trying different things, laughing together/picking on each other and just generally having a good time. Recently I have been laid off temp, he's gone back to work full time after being laid off for 3 months or more and the stress of life seems to be taking a toll on us. It's the kids, the pets, the bills and then us. He has a harley now too and that is taking more time away from us and yes, I resent it sometimes but I let him do what makes him happy - like I always have. We are still getting along but the... hotness of our relationship seems to be fading fast and we are having to work at it more and more. And even when we do get some time together I feel like I don't know him as well as I used to and he doesn't act as affectionate as he used to. I'm not saying it's all him I know the kids take a lot out of me and he has even remarked about how close we are sometimes like he's jealous. I don't know what to do and would like some good advice from a long time married person. I used to feel like we had something very special, you know, true love but now I feel like we could end up in an average, routine marriage like a lot of people do. Please help me put the fire back in my marriage!

Well that's always a hard question to answer considering there are many factors involved and also because every marriage is different. Many of us just like you never want our marriage to sink to deep to a point were there's nothing you can do about it. We know that you try that he tries but it's still very difficult. I'm not going to say that I'm a professional in any way shape or form but I have gone through two marriages and they get even tougher specially when Children are involved. I'm not trying to scare you I'm just giving you an Idea of what causes people to be so frustrated that it affects their partner, specially at a time like this when people left and right are losing there jobs and it gets harder to find work and the bills stack up and it gets harder to pay what we owe. I'm glad he was actually able to get a Job but I'm sorry to hear that you lost yours. You seem like an Intelligent Lady who can give it your best to find and get another one in no time. By the way where do yo live? You seem very persistent to save your marriage but feel like your other half is not trying as hard as you think he should. I also feel like he's using his Harley which is a great toy to release himself from the extra stress and the worries that he thinks about everyday. It's like if you were to go get a message and a pedicure and to get your hair done just to get away if your into that kind of stuff. LoL! Hang in there with persistence you can make it work.

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Originally Posted by cyber49er

Well that's always a hard question to answer considering there are many factors involved and also because every marriage is different. Many of us just like you never want our marriage to sink to deep to a point were there's nothing you can do about it. We know that you try that he tries but it's still very difficult. I'm not going to say that I'm a professional in any way shape or form but I have gone thru two marriages and they get even tougher specially when Children are involved. I'm not trying to scare you I'm just giving you an Idea of what causes people to be so frustrated that it affects their partner, specially at a time like this when people left and right are losing there jobs and it gets harder to find work and the bills stack up and it gets harder to pay what we owe. I'm glad he was actually able to get a Job but I'm sorry to hear that you lost yours. You seem like an Intelligent Lady who can give it your best to find and get another one in no time. By the way where do yo live? You seem very persistent to save your marriage but feel like your other half is not trying as hard as you think he should. I also feel like he's using his Harley which is a great toy to release himself from the extra stress and the worries that he thinks about everyday. It's like if you were to go get a message and a pedicure and to get your hair done just to get away if your into that kind of stuff. LoL! Hang in there with persistance you can make it work.

Don't think he's not trying, just think that he takes for granted what he's got. A good wife who is eager to please and will not nag him about what he wants to do. The two kids are his, we just got full custody this year and his ex is scum. In me he has found a good wife, a good mother figure and he knows that I love him more than anything so he's not worried about me going anywhere. I guess it's called being comfortable in your marriage. Thanks for the advice.

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Originally Posted by jandtspencer

don't think he's not trying, just think that he takes for granted what he's got. a good wife who is eager to please and will not nag him about what he wants to do. the two kids are his, we just got full custody this year and his ex is scum. in me he has found a good wife, a good mother figure and he knows that i love him more than anything so he's not worried about me going anywhere. i guess it's called being comfortable in your marriage. thanks for the advice.

Ok now that I got some info from you I can put some pieces together and I can tell you that He's comfortable knowing you love him extremely and that you won't let him go. That's why he does what he wants. Basically it's like chess if you make the right move he will be forced to move himself if not checkmate. What I'm saying If you tell him that If he won't make it work then your moving on and he will have to live by himself. Act like your really serious and even tell him that he needs to find a place to live and then he will realize you mean business and he will begin to see how much you mean to him and what he will be losing. Who knows maybe he just needs to wake up and smell the coffee that you so wonderfully make for him. LoL! I really hope this works out for you. You never told me where you are from?

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Originally Posted by jandtspencer

me and my husband have been married for 6 years in october. up until this year we have had a great marriage, lots of sex - he's a nympho! trying different things, laughing together/picking on each other and just generally having a good time. recently i have been laid off temp, he's gone back to work full time after being laid off for 3 months or more and the stress of life seems to be taking a toll on us. it's the kids, the pets, the bills and then us. he has a harley now too and that is taking more time away from us and yes, i resent it sometimes but i let him do what makes him happy - like i always have. we are still getting along but the...hotness of our relationship seems to be fading fast and we are having to work at it more and more. and even when we do get some time together i feel like i don't know him as well as i used to and he doesn't act as affectionate as he used to. i'm not saying it's all him i know the kids take alot out of me and he has even remarked about how close we are sometimes like he's jealous. i don't know what to do and would like some good advice from a long time married person. i used to feel like we had something very special, you know, true love but now i feel like we could end up in an average, routine marriage like a lot of people do. please help me put the fire back in my marriage!!

You are going to find that as the years go on, there will be periods that there will be conflict, doubt, suspicions, jealousy, job losses, deaths, illness, and everything else that happens in life between two people.

Marriage is not a cake walk. It's hard work, and many times frustrating, confusing and challenging. Add kids to the mix, and busy schedules, obligations to work, friends, family etc. and is it any wonder that some days you wonder, where did the sex go?

I have been married 33 years, and I guess that is a success story in itself. The foundation and communication we developed, kept our boat afloat during times that seemed impossible. The one thing I learned was that I had to schedule time for the two of us.

Sometimes it was just getting a sitter in for a few hours and going to the coffee shop to talk, away from the kids and all the troubles of the day. Connecting, even if there are no immediate gains, is what will see you through the tough times. And there will be many.

Don't let things simmer and build up. Make yourself heard, and listen when he needs to talk. You might be surprised at what comes out, that you didn't realize. Schedule a 'date night' and stick to it. Don't let your relationship get sucked into the whirlwind of day to day chaos. No matter how tired and stressed out you are, make time to talk.

Sexual needs may not always be met, sometimes it will exceed your expectations, sometimes it won't. Just like everything else in a marriage, it will change over time.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

You are going to find that as the years go on, there will be periods of time that there will be conflict, doubt, suspicions, jealousy, job losses, deaths, illness, and everything else that happens in life between two people.

Marriage is not a cake walk. It's hard work, and many times frustrating, confusing and challenging. Add kids to the mix, and busy schedules, obligations to work, friends, family etc., and is it any wonder that some days you wonder, where did the sex go?

I have been married 33 years, and I guess that is a success story in itself. The foundation and communication we developed, kept our boat afloat during times that seemed impossible. The one thing I learned was that I had to schedule time for the two of us.

Sometimes it was just getting a sitter in for a few hours and going to the coffee shop to talk, away from the kids and all the troubles of the day. Connecting, even if there are no immediate gains, is what will see you through the tough times. And there will be many.

Don't let things simmer and build up. Make yourself heard, and listen when he needs to talk. You might be surprised at what comes out, that you didn't realize. Schedule a 'date night' and stick to it. Don't let your relationship get sucked into the whirlwind of day to day chaos. No matter how tired and stressed out you are, make time to talk.

Sexual needs may not always be met, sometimes it will exceed your expectations, sometimes it won't. Just like everything else in a marriage, it will change over time.

Thanks for the info. Not ready to give up and don't feel like he is purposely not trying to make it work. I agree that life just takes it's toll on marriage and before you know it you can end up in a rut and not necessarily in a dead end marriage but one that is not as fufilling as it may have once been. And you miss that, especially women I think. Like my husband is one of the few that will hold you when you cry, listen to what you want and actually makes an effort to show you he cares. He's very affectionate and a good father also. I am really lucky and I guess I feel like an ignored child sometimes because he has spolied me to these great things about him. The date night sounds so cliché, does that really work? And how do you afford it in this economy? Any ideas?

There are lots of things you can do that don't cost money. Even just go for a walk, or a bike ride, or anything that just gets you out of the house together.

They have a 1/2 price movie night here (also a small town), and we have often gone just down to the beach for a walk. Doesn't have to be expensive or for a long time, but to just put the two of you first, for a little while, really makes a difference.

I agree that there is always the possibility that your marriage gets dull and uninteresting, or you miss things the way they were. Maybe the key is when you see things happening that you'd like to change, or improve, address it, and don't let it slide.

We went through periods of unemployment too, and layoffs, and over the years when I add up all the major events that happened that would have seen most people bail, we always found a way because we could talk and we liked (and like) eachothers company.

Better to keep a little bit of time just for the two of you every week, rather than reach a point where you'd rather not spend time together at all.