Ask Me Help Desk - Deadbeat mom

I have two step daughters and my husband and I have just gotten full custody of them about a year ago. Their mom became a heroin addict, was shoplifting and had about 4 dwi's. She was never stellar before that but you have to have concrete proof of wrongdoing before you can take someomes kids away from them. They seem to be happy living with us and the oldest child talks with me a lot about her feelings toward her mom - and they are not good. I was just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and what kind of effect does it have on the kids in the end, even if they are in a happy and stable home environment? Thanks.

My real mom left me when I was young. I hated her, missed her, resented her, and many other things her when I was little. She made me feel like I was a problem to her and even a bother.

I don't get along with her till this day. She's in and out of the picture.

I am happy to hear your there as a mother figure. I wish I was that fortunate.

Question: how old are the kids?

Sarah

My aunt is a drunk pill head and whatever else she does. She left her husband and my two cousins about 13 years ago. My uncle (by marriage) provided for them but he had a drinking problem but not as bad as my aunt. My girl cousin (she is 31 now) turned out fine no drinking problems talks to both her mom and dad has two kids married house doing great.

My boy cousin (he is 24 now) has been in and out of rehab since he was 15. Steals, lies, keeps taking drugs (I am not sure what he uses). He blames all of his problems on them. I told him he is full of Sh*t because he had my family to turn to when he was younger.

I guess it can go either way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mudweiser

My real mom left me when I was young. I hated her, missed her, resented her, and many other things her when I was little. She made me feel like I was a problem to her and even a bother.

I don't get along with her till this day. She's in and out of the picture.

I am happy to hear your there as a mother figure. I wish I was that fortunate.

Question: how old are the kids?

Sarah

The oldest is 10 and the baby is 9. they are beautiful, sweet girls and I love them with all my heart. I have been with their daddy since 2003, they were 3 and turning 5 then so we have built up quite a history together at this point. We have a very close relationship and I have been like a big sister/mother to them. They have even let the "mom" word slip out a few times in these last months when talking about me. It's very flattering but I have never tried to take the mom position and make them call me that, I feel like it's up to them. And I try to encourage the oldest child when she is feeling down about her mom that maybe one day she will wake up and realize what she is missing out on and they can try to have some kind of relationship and I also tell her that if that doesn't happen she already has plenty of people who she can count on.

My mother had me when she was 19. She soon realized that she wasn't ready to be a mother and by the time I was 6 months. Old she was out of my life.

My father raised me with my step-mother who came into my life before I was two, she is the only real mother that I know.

My mom has battled through every addiction possible with the exception of meth. There is an unfortunate bond that keeps a child forgiving and seeking approval from their biological parents. Even though I know that I hurt my step-mother by never giving up on my own mother.

The children will adapt and learn about their parents on their own. They will have a special relationship with you as well. Be understanding of their constitant forgiveness of their biological mom and their floundering feelings toward her which will alternate between hatred and what you may perceive as love (which will probably more honestly be approval seeking). It is not meant to show disrespect to your relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by spitvenom

My aunt is a drunk pill head and whatever else she does. She left her husband and my two cousins about 13 years ago. My uncle (by marriage) provided for them but he had a drinking problem but not as bad as my aunt. My girl cousin (she is 31 now) turned out fine no drinking problems talks to both her mom and dad has two kids married house doing great.

My boy cousin (he is 24 now) has been in and out of rehab since he was 15. Steals, lies, keeps taking drugs (i am not sure what he uses). He blames all of his problems on them. I told him he is full of Sh*t because he had my family to turn to when he was younger.

I guess it can go either way.

Sorry to hear about the boy cousin. Maybe he was truly affected by his homelife or maybe he is full of crap. It's hard to know what goes on in peoples minds. A lot of people are too lazy to change anything about themselves and just find it easier to do the wrong thing because it feels good and requires no effort and then blame the consequenses on someone else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

My mother had me when she was 19. She soon realized that she wasn't ready to be a mother and by the time I was 6 mos. old she was out of my life.

My father raised me with my step-mother who came into my life before I was two, she is the only real mother that I know.

My mom has battled through every addiction possible with the exception of meth. There is an unfortunate bond that keeps a child forgiving and seeking approval from their biological parents. Even though I know that I hurt my step-mother by never giving up on my own mother.

The children will adapt and learn about their parents on their own. They will have a special relationship with you as well. Be understanding of their constitant forgiveness of their biological mom and their floundering feelings toward her which will alternate between hatred and what you may perceive as love (which will probably more honestly be approval seeking). It is not meant to show disrespect to your relationship.

The bond is crazy isn't it? I had a drunk for a mother growing up who said things to me like, "i wish you were never born", beat me with switches and pretty much detested my presence. By the time I was 16 I was out of there! I lived with grandparents, aunts, etc after that and led a very wild life. I went without talking to my mom for 5 years and then when I got married and acquired 2 stepdaughters I began thinking of my mom and now we have a good relationship and oh yeah, she stopped drinking and goes to church now. Even though I have more horrible memories of my childhood than anyone should have to live with, today, I do love my mom.