I have been with my ex boyfriend for 7 years, (since we were 14) we've always been pretty happy. We have had a number of break ups but mostly when we were really young. During the last couple of years they've got worse, we stay together for roughly 3 -4 months then he leaves me for a few weeks then he comes back saying he doesn't know why he did it and he loves me etc.. He is the most genuine person I know and I could never think badly of him. About 6 months ago we split because he said we weren't meant to be together it lasted a whole 3 weeks then he came back all sad asking for forgiveness. I accepted stupidly again and things were perfect I thought he really had changed, not for long though. Were he has left me so many times, not maliciously or in a nasty way I know he'd never wanted to hurt me, he has left me so paranoid that it will happen again and it hurts a little bit more each time and I don't want to keep doing this. About 6 weeks ago he randomly out of the blue told me he just wanted to be alone, he was fed up and wanted to realise now it was over instead of waiting till he was 30 to find out. I did kind of understand, so I packed up and moved to a little flat in town. I 've seen him quite a lot since as friends but its horrid we both put on these awful fronts and its really upsetting. A few weeks ago he randomly text and asked if I wanted to go for a drink, I hesitated but did agree as I miss his company. We stayed in that night and something happened and we acted like we were together again everything was good except when he left I knew that would be it. While he was there he was telling how much he loved me and how he didn't want anyone else he just didn't think he could make it work cos he always ends up hurting me. I told him to go and think about it and come back when he knew what he wanted. When we spoke after that he just said no, he didn't want it he was happy being alone. He said I still love you etc.. And went. Now I have no idea what to do? It really feels like its over this time but why would he say those things or was he just using me? He's not a nasty bloke and I love him so much but I don't really know what I should do next? All our friends are the same, our families are friends everything we do is the same its really hard, I don't have many of my own friends as they were all his friends, I 've already joined a gym and haven't been contacting him when I haven't had too either. I can't imagine my life without him but I won't be made a fool of any more what shall I do?

No contact for one year, sounds harsh but if you are true friends, you'll see one another again, after the love drug is out of your system. Think of love like Cocain. On Psychologist says the same thing.

Here read this. Sorry if its, kind of random, skattered, and long. But it's kind of helpful I think, or at least it's what I'd tell you to think about.

True love, can be many things. Every one has their opinion, experiences, interpretation, and perceptions about it.

True, as defined at: true definition | Dictionary.com
1. being in accordance with the actual state or conditions; conforming to reality or fact; not false: a true story.
2. real; genuine; authentic: true gold; true feelings.
3. sincere; not deceitful: a true interest in someone's welfare.
4. firm in allegiance; loyal; faithful; steadfast: a true friend.

Love as defined at: love definition | Dictionary.com
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

Lets say love is a firm genuine, deep affection and loyalty that is built upon a profoundly passionate faithful belief in the binding of two people's lives. Forever they will be attactched in one form or aother. Personally I would argue that there is also a point to which one may need to learn to let go of a love, simply because only if you truly love some one/ thing will you find the strength to let them go of your own free will. I think that is important, because it lets people know that we don't have to be together just because we "have to", but we stay together because we want to. Also some times, the one's we want to stay with, don't want to stay with us, and so we have to accept that so we can move on. There maybe "soul mates", but it's not clear as to whether or not we develop, and grow into such, or if it's predetermined for us. Maybe finding our soul mate has more to do with finding ourselves, and in doing so can finally attract our soul mates. Very mysterious is the world that we pretend to know.

Lust= Passion, sex drive and hormons. One night stands, or meaningless flings. (The people that do this seem to show very little self respect, and tend to "...act kinda proud with no respect for tehmselves." P.O.D.- Youth of the nation)

Love= Passion, sex drive, hormons, enjoy a person's company/ personality, and some respect. (Actually, I think this may be most relationships in our world. In love, but not so willing to see the differnece between them self and their lover, and what their relationship really means. There are different types, levels and kinds of Love at this level. Like the women who loves her man so much even when he hits her, or when the man loves his women but she cheats on him. Then there is the couple that is relatively happy together, but don't really grow, or progress because they are too different, or a like, or just don't work well together. )

True Love= The one you will spend your life with, while there is time left to spend. YOu understand that you may not be together forever, but still live for the moment. YOu are comfortable with each other, and yourselves. Grow together, and progress in life, due to a healthy balance. When there is a split, it is on good terms, hard, painful still but good. (The "good" splite is not to be confused with a careless, reckless, and respectless splite. It is not like the couple who splites and stay's friends and cheats on their new partners with the one they are spliting on good terms with. I might arguee that true friends are in true love.)

Soul Mates= True Love + Forever being with your lover as your lover will forever be with you. The one you are dedicated to until death do you part. Perhaps the one you will follow into the after life, what ever it maybe. Know yourself, and you will know your soul mate.

As to whether or not I believe these... They are possibilities, just like anything, everything, nothing, and something else...

"Do you guys believe everyone will find love? or is some people just not meant to love or be loved?" - None12345
That is dependent, do we count the love of GOD as some believe, the Love one feels for themselves, The love of a family or friends?

Love is not all about passion and sex. It's more complicated, and it also depends where what your cultural back ground is. I some times think that is why people are so confused about love, because they feel the same feeling for some one they love as for some one they want to just have sex with. That heated passion, and so on. But love is more than that, it's about connection, and being able to be with the one you love with out invading who they are. So often people get messed up by their feelings saying, "Oh look at this new exciting prospect of adventure..." Then the morals and spiritual guidance kicks in, "This is not right, I may be attracted, but i don't know this person. It's very dangerous, STDs, rape, murder, and so on. I deserve to be treated better then a fluzy, sex toy." Then it's a perpetual war waged with in the confinds of your own mind. These days people seem more pron to act on basic instinct and feelings than reason, and honorable intentions. Don't get me wrong, that's just an over generalization. There are still people who do care about what happens to one another, and do seem to be happy even after just a one night stand, but not always. Haha I guess I've been haning around too many rough necks eh? Haha, welders, mill laborours, and such.

All I've given you is just my opinion. No real evidence saying nor suggesting its true.

PEace and kindness be with you.
Guide

Quote:

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Originally Posted by none12345

If you love someone, does it mean you would be able to let them go and be happy with someone else? even if its hard as hell for you?

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You may consider following this, Forgive yourself for past mistakes. Or it will be hard to know yourself. If you can not forgive yourself and thus let go of the past, you may only end up in situations that are too familliure and using your illutions II make things seem good when they are not. As Guns 'N' Roses play,
"Cause yesterday's got nothin' for me
Old pictures that I'll always see
Some things could be better
If we'd all just let them be..."

Forgive yourself, then you can begin to know yourself. No it is very unlikely that we will ever know our self's entirely, for it's an on going progression that lasts through out our entire being, or so it is seems that such advice is important to keep in mind. When we get to know ourselves, we get to understand the connection we have and share with others. Whether it's, a lover, friend, the vary air we breath, the food we eat, the substances we put in our bodies, and the balance between all. Like I said, how can we know our soul mate if we don't know ourselves. So, if we break up with one lover and wish to improve our ability to be in a healthy relationship, then perhaps the best way to do this is by first getting to be ourselves. That means know yourself, and you shall know Love. It can be seen as not true, but I believe that is, for the most part, if you use your illutions II make things seem other than they are. If you can not be honest with yourself, you can not be honest with others.

Love yourself, this is very hard for most, on account that we all have such high expectations for ourselves and one another. This one is very touchy and hard to deal with since it's a very powerful emotion. We tend to try and tighten our grip on it, but no matter how tight to grip it it just runs through our hands like sand. We become addicted to Love, and in the book "The brain that changes it'self" it is compared to the drug Cocain. While we have our love, or in my best interpretation that which seems to invoke the feeling of "Love"/"Euphoria", we are "happy". Then we start to associate things with that "Love". Should we loose that "love", we become depressed and miss it dearly.
This is the complex part, we feel euphoric because the pleasure centers in the septal region of the Limbic system is turned on. This makes us associate what we experience, good or Bad, with the feeling of pleasure. When we are "in Love", on a "manic High" (term for people who have a mental illness called Mania, or bipolar.), or if we are under the influence of cocaine; the threshold at which our pleasure centers will fire is lowered, making it easier for them to turn on. "Neurons that fire together wire together." (this term implies that while the threshold of our pleasure centers is lowered, we associate what ever we do/see/think/feel/smell and generally experience with Pleasure.) Now, the pleasure center has a nother name, "the appetitive pleasure system" ("Appetitive: 1. An instinctive physical desire, especially one for food or drink. 2. A strong wish or urge: an appetite for learning." - Appetitive - definition of Appetitive by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.) The reason for the strong urge or instinctive physical desire is because the appetitive pleasure system is a dopamine-based system associated with the pleasure of anticipating something we desire.

So now, when we separate from our "love" for too long we suffer from with drawl and the things that we associated with our "love", rather than bringing us happy feelings, they taunt us and serve as a dark reminder of the love we lost. That can change over time, but when the separation is new, it's really hard to look past the pain, and illutions we create. Generally after losing a love, the pleasure center isn't functioing the same so, we crash, craving our "love", get anxious, doubt themselves, lose their energy, and feel rundown if not depressed. Like the junky getting a small fix, a letter, e-mail, text message, or telephone message from our "love" gives us that old shot of energy and joy.

Relationships that are regualar and routine, well the dopanine in our systems likes novelty, so we have to keep things rather fresh and new, exciting or our brains get bord. They need stimulation, and I've come to wonder if people who have relationship troubles and drink or do drugs regularly aren't linked to this idea of new and fresh. See, when we do drugs, drink alcohol, we kill brain cells and make it hard for the brain to learn new things.

Peace and kindness bewith you.

As I siad above, it like a drug, you need to detox before you can see him again. Other wise you actions will be over run by old desires and "learned" responses. A learned response is when we are conditioned and or trained to behave in a specific way. Like stop signs are red, then red lights mean stop, so red must mean stop. We are trained as human beings to stop at red lights.

Try to take back your ability to responed, by "rewireing" your brain. It's hard, but you can do it.

Good luck, and remember. Find yourself.

Thanks, that is really helpful but it makes it all the more sad..

I no I have to stay away from him but what can I do, he's everywhere? I even know the only way we can make this work is if he grows up a bit, but how do I stop myself from running back to him or clinging on to the smallest of things, I don't want to feel depressed and lonely anymore, I wish he hadn't have said those things as it would be a lot easier if I thought he didn't love me, did he just say them to keep me clinging on?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hari_146

Thanks, that is really helpful but it makes it all the more sad..

I no i have to stay away from him but what can i do, he's everywhere? I even know the only way we can make this work is if he grows up a bit, but how do i stop myself from running back to him or clinging on to the smallest of things, i don't want to feel depressed and lonley anymore, i wish he hadnt have said those things as it would be a lot easier if i thought he didn't love me, did he just say them to keep me clinging on?

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He does not want it to work, and do you really want to be in a relationship ,where you are paranoid that the other person is going to leave.After almost a decade with him I am sure you have gotten use to him, but think of this as an opportunity to meet new people, to be independent.It will be hard but I am sure you will get over it.

Any first relationship has a similar problem. Both people don't know the signs of when it's time to break up. You end up dragging it on and on because you're not sure. The fact that you guys have had so many on and off moments already shows that it's a very unstable relationship.

Even if you get back together in the future, who's to say that you won't break up again? From a third person's point of view, there's very little security in this relationship. It's definitely time to move on with your life.

If you see him all the time, then it will be tougher to move on, but you can still manage. Here are some tips for no contact: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-332732.html

I hope it helps.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hari_146

Thanks, that is really helpful but it makes it all the more sad..

I no i have to stay away from him but what can i do, he's everywhere? I even know the only way we can make this work is if he grows up a bit, but how do i stop myself from running back to him or clinging on to the smallest of things, i don't want to feel depressed and lonley anymore, i wish he hadnt have said those things as it would be a lot easier if i thought he didn't love me, did he just say them to keep me clinging on?

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“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
Helen Keller quotes

In your case there is a window in the closed door, behind the window apears to be the life you want, only he hung a picture their in the hopes that you will cling to it and wait until he is ready. (Mind you, some people do this unintentionally.)

Your body is reacting to your brains chemical responses, but your mind is following your spirit, and they both agree that it's time to move on. It wouldn't be interesting if it wasn't hard and challenging, Being by yourself; but, remember that we are not alone ever. Many have gone through what you are going through, and many are going through it, and many more will go through it.

Why worry about something that hasn't happened yet, or that you didn't/don't have? You have this ideal dream in mind, but can you really reach it if you don't learn to know yourself? This is your chance to do all the things you want to do, that don't require a BF/Husband etc.

Feeling sad and depressed, is normal, and further more feelings are not always true. They decieve us, and lead us astray. Some times we have to use our minds, and pull our feelings in check. If every one lived by their feelings a lot more crimes would be committed. IT is your responsibility to decide what you wish to do, but don't forget that you can change the road your on. Though I admit it will be much harder, to change your thinking later down the road.

May peace and kindness be with you.

Sadly, you both have grown up and its really hard to get over the attachments and connections you have shared for so long.

You need new friends and a life apart to let your true selves emerge and be the adults you are and that will take a lot of time and work for you both.

Break ups hurt, but you both have seen this coming for a while, so look forward, and keep growing. Time to grow without each other.

I don't think I can do it, Its killing me seeing him about. I tried to go out at the weekend and have a good time but it meant our friends had to split into 2 groups and it was horrible, we then bumped into each other and neither of us could do it. I watched him walk off alone towards home, knowing full well seeing me had comlpetely ruined his evening. Then I left because I felt so bad. This is going around in circles. If I stop seeing my friends I'm going to go insane but if I keep seeing them I'll always see him. I can't win. I have no body else I can see, I know I could go and make new friends but how? Im really not very confident anymore and I don't feel like doing a lot to be honest.

I really don't think our relationship should be over or is over, I can't help it. I can imagine what it would be like to know something's not right or if its not going anywhere but the fact is we both love each other so much I know this because he's told me recently but it doesn't change any thing. He has a lot of relationship issues not with commitment or anything but down to his parents, they really screwed him over when he was young and now he has a huge fear of hurting people in the same way. This is the reason I've gone back to him so many times, its not souly his fault.

I was thinking about making it easier for both of us and leaving, maybe going travelling again and getting away from this place for a while. Surely it can only go one of 2 ways, either we move on or it brings us back together, is that really wrong and pathetic?

Threads merged

I've got to see my ex boyfriend of 7 years tonight, we split a couple of months ago and it has got no easier, for me.

He is coming around later to collect some money I owe for my phone bill as a lot of our stuff is in each others names.

I don't know how to act, what to say or what to do? I don't want him to stand on my doorstep I haven't seen him in so long, I'd really like to have a chat - not about us - just in general?

Please help, I'm really not good with these situations, I'm worried I'll get all emotional and won't be able to control what I say. I've been working so hard on not texting him and keeping myself very busy, even things like - I've quit smoking, learnt another langauge and joined a gym, but I want him to see these things and he won't from my doorstep will he?

Am I wrong in thinking like this? I know this is really pathetic and a very small issue but you guys are pretty clever and I just don't want to ruin any hope of us working this out.

Please Help.:confused:

People talk to people.
In your case, you are intimating that there
Is still a great chance to mend what had happened in the past.
Communication in a proper place and
Clear understanding are of the most importance.
This sounds like an excellent opportunity.
Things look bad, but there is always hope
On mending fences.
You would stand proud and tall if what happens in this meeting will end up on a positive note.
Please, keep your mind open to the possibility,
Do not forget:-
To GIVE and TAKE!

Mail him a check and be done with it. Clearly you are uncomfortable and you need a way out of this awkward situation. Don't let a few bucks detour your entire healing process.

Ok, but which one?

I no its proberly right to just sent him the cash, but the fact is I know he still loves me (he told me) he just doesn't want to be together because he's afraid of hurting me like he has a thousand times before. This is why I need to see him - I need to show him I'm not a pathetic, emotional person who is completely lost with out him. He needs to see I'm doing amazing on my own but that I still want him.

It's a conversation we don't bring up anymore if we do talk so I don't know what I can say..?

I have a hard time believing that you can get yourself together emotionally enough when you are already finding yourself on an internet website asking strangers how to act. Do you think you can control your emotions? It is best to talk to each other when you aren't feeding off the emotions of this, and rationality can take it's place.

Yep I think your right - just a very long road, that I wish I could cut in half.

Thanks for all your help, sorry for time wasting I know lots more people have real issues! : )

You are wasting no one's time. I simply pointed that out to you so you can understand that you are clearly in shambles over this, which is to be expected. I hope I helped, and feel free to ask more questions. We answer with the best intentions on here, but you happened to catch me... I have about as much tact as Chef Ramsey...

Why do you need him to see how amazing your doing on your own?

You think he is going see you and think I want her back because she is doing so good for herself? I don't think so!

If anything, why does he have to come at night to collect his things? Why not the weekend with one of your friends there to stop you from doing something stupid?

Also, it is time to switch things to your name so you can pay it without seeing him. No more pay bills in exes name. Move on and let go.

Your not over this guy because you have a hidden agenda. You want him back but he doesn't want you back. It's great your doing good for yourself but the things your doing should be for yourself and nobody else (especially not an ex).

Time for you to be with yourself honest instead of fooling yourself. Face the music because you end up doing something dump like sleeping with this guy when he already told you he doesn't want nothing with you. Listen to his words and move on.

You have barely stopped seeing each other, so I know all the emotions are still fresh.

Mail him a check, just to give yourself more time, for the emotions to die down.

Thanks, but how can I remove this constant feeling that he will come back just because he has so many times before, I mean it, like a good 20 times, we were very young through most of those but he's always come back.

I can't help thinking it?

Honestly I really wish I didn't think it, in fact I'm not even sure anymore - I'd really like to forget everything.

Its just the most pathetic thing in the world, wishing, hoping and yes even chatting to strangers on the internet just because it's that horrible to be alone and anyone that that can give me a false bit of hope is a legend in my eyes.

Plain wrong I know.

How do you allow yourself to let go?

By building a life around yourself that doesn't revolve around a significant other (or ex, for that matter). Worry about the things you have control over, and let the rest take care of itself.