I recently started to date a man who's from the UK. He's very against muslims moving into his country and imposing what's called "sharia" law, which is basically a muslim law in the UK.

My question is, he refers to non whites as "coloured". However, when I asked him about his use of the word, he says, "Oh, I don't mean that in a negative way". So I kind of wonder. He also speaks about how his family fled the UK and went to australia cause they didn't want to stay behind and be with the muslims. I won't lie, I guess this is understandable because no one wants a religion imposed on them, etc etc.

But one day, he got angry at his friend (who happens to be greek) and snapped, "Oh, I don't have time for him anyway, he's Greek". I was surprised and asked, "What is that supposed to mean?" In which he didn't answer but changed the subject. Now these two guys have been friends for years, more than 7 years to be exact.

Weeks later after his comment about not having time for his same greek friend, he invited him out and even arranged and continues to arrange for his mom to take care of his greek's freind's baby while the two of them go and hang out. They both hang out religiously practically every Friday night, so Im kind of wondering - if he is really a racist after all, or if he's just someone who feels some kind of guilt or perhaps thinks that he's doing his friend a favor by hanging around with them.

Who knows what to think at this point. He also says things like, "Oh that's why God created continents, to keep people seperated" So I told him, "Well, I guess we can't see each other" (I'm of mediterranean origin myself). Which he says, "Oh I wasn't talking about you"

So I'm wondering - can somebody out there explain to me what this guys' thinking is all about? I love him but this is his only flaw, if that. Or do I take offense cause I'm from the US and this type of behavior is frowned upon? If he's racist, why does he continue to hang around his greek friend, and why does he even send christmas gifts to people who are non whites who live in his English town.

Please advise.

Yep. Racist.

Right now he's just testing the waters, to see if you approve of his behavior or not.

Best thing to do is to ask him about it and ask him why he's prejudice against other cultures.

During the conversation he could either:

A) Give you a long list of why he hates "colored people". In which would indicate he is a racist.


B)Or this whole thing could be an odd misunderstanding, which means he doesn't really think about what he says before it flies out of his mouth.


Sarah

He is probably just a rude bigmouth.

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Originally Posted by mudweiser

Yep. Racist.

Right now he's just testing the waters, to see if you approve of his behavior or not.

Sarah

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Okay, but why be a racist to someone who's non anglo like me, furthermore, why even bother to have the greek friend if he's such a racist? That's the part I don't understand. :confused:

At worst he is a racist. At best he is an ignorant big mouth. Either way he is not someone I would want to be associated with. Remember, we are judged by the company we keep.

He could be racist, prejudice or just a ding dong or all the above.

They have no real reason to hate another person. Maybe he was brought up that way, maybe it's his way of life, maybe he's afraid of other cultures- who knows.

The only way to get to the bottom of this is to ask him yourself!

Sarah

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Originally Posted by mudweiser

He could be racist, prejudice or just a ding dong or all the above.

They have no real reason to hate another person. Maybe he was brought up that way, maybe it's his way of life, maybe he's afraid of other cultures- who knows.

The only way to get to the bottom of this is to ask him yourself!

Sarah

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LOLOL, a lot of people don't like this person, in fact, I've lost a lot of friends because of him hahaha. He says he doesn't hate but believes is a real christian. I'm wondering - the guy hasn't been exposed to too many cultures, plus he barely has a high school diploma. Could that be it?

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Originally Posted by dincher

LOLOL, a lot of people don't like this person, in fact, I've lost a lot of friends because of him hahaha. He says he doesn't hate but believes is a real christian. I'm wondering - the guy hasn't been exposed to too many cultures, plus he barely has a high school diploma. Could that be it??

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Ignorance is one of the many things that make up a racist.

Smoke is air pollution. Racism and negative comments are brain pollution. Detox him out of your life, he's already destroying your environment.

Sarah

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Originally Posted by dincher

Okay, but why be a racist to someone who's non anglo like me, furthermore, why even bother to have the greek friend if he's such a racist?? That's the part I don't understand. :confused:

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I was born and raised in North Carolina before civil rights. It was always said that the whites hated the black race but loved individual blacks who were their mammies, drivers, yardsmen, etc. Black women cared for white children, even when the white mom was home all day. The mammies would take the kids to get ice cream and would share a cone with the white toddlers and babies. No problem. The mammies would switch the naughty white kids with hickory switches right in front of the mother. No problem. But public washrooms were separated, black or white. Drinking fountains were separated, black or white. And I heard the black washrooms were never cleaned and often had broken sinks and toilets, were never repaired.

Maybe that's the case with your guy -- he hates the race but loves individuals.

Stop making excuses for his behavior. If you are losing friends because of him, then you need to seriously evaluate your relationship.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Maybe that's the case with your guy -- he hates the race but loves individuals.

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Now that IS weird. I wonder about that kind of mentality. How does that happen... But yeah, I'm asking cause I believe it's time to ditch.

Good your ditching him because it seems like his true colors shines through when he is angry. But he is smart not to say it to there face directly.

I know I'm asking such a stupid question, but how does one love the individual and hate the race? How screwed up is that thinking?

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Originally Posted by dincher

I know I'm asking such a stupid question, but how does one love the individual and hate the race?? How screwed up is that thinking??

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That was the American South before civil rights. The black woman often became much loved by the white family who hired her. She may have also cleaned house, done the ironing, washed dishes and all the clothes, and her husband may have been hired to do the yardwork. But when it came to dealing with blacks in general, there was suspicion and prejudice. The whites lived in their own neighborhoods and the blacks in theirs; they each attended their own schools. There was a definite separateness. It was a world apart from anything you could imagine today and explains some of the anger that the older black people have. (Remember Rev. Wright during the presidential campaign? He too lived back then, and lived it as black.)

I guess using the word coloured in itself is not racist, depends on the intent behind it. He said it was meant in an negative way, I guess in today's society it wasn't very politically correct.

As for what he said about his friend, I would say actions speak louder then words. He's been friends with him for a long time I really don't see the problem.

Are you going to base and question your whole relationships over a few little comments?

Wondergirls comment is dead on right.

I grew up in a mixed neighborhood. Black. White. Laotian. Some latin. The kids I played with were of every color.

My grandfather was a great man in my life. The man who taught me what it was to be loved without bounds. Real, endless love.

He grew up in the poor streets near Pennsylvania. Blue collar. Steel mill workers. One of twelve children. His father was knifed in an alley coming home from gambling one night. Rough streets.

How this tough man... whod broken a cops jaw in a fight, whod beaten a golden gloves champion soundly... could also be so kind was such a dichotomy.

He talked of women he had loved with great feeling and passion, yet I saw the anger I'm him when he choked a woman who had hit him with an ashtray because she was mad at him. I had heard the rare, but occasional racist remark when talking about the overall change in the neighborhood's ethnicity, but not once did he ever talk about any one neighbor badly... in fact, he also seemed to see the individual for the person they were, but would see the ethnicity as a separate entity.

Separating the individual from the group is not an uncommon thing.

Larry trapp, a KKK clansman, a "grand dragon", was well known to local law enforcement. When a jewish couple moved into the area, he responded with the normal propaganda, threats, and scare tactics.

When the jewish husband found out he was in poor health and partly disabled, the husband called to see if he could help. Trapp responded with shock, uncertainty, and told him not to call back. And more threats.

But the hudband did. Time and again. Until he came to visit trapp one night in his apartment, where the man was forced to face the inconsistencies that he'd propagated all his life. An ability to blanket label a group, but a willingness to often live in the presence of those he threatened. Trapp eventually resigned all posts of hate, moved into the home of the jewish man who had confronted him, and lived in his care until his death a year later.

Point is this...

A person doesn't have to be all in or all out... there are gray areas.

Just as my beloved grandfather would talk about the "cat houses" and the "whores" on the east coast... he'd also talk about women with great tenderness and affection. Just as hed toss off some disparaging remark about the asian community moving more and more into he neighborhood (he had been in the pacific theater, fighting the japanese navy) he would also happily talk to the elderly laotian couple who lived downstairs from him, and spent many hours in their company late in life.

I'm not saying this disconnect is OK or right...

My wife is italian, though second generation american. Her family will still talk about "white boys" being those who aren't italian... and usually in a joking manner... like "the white boy tried to make the daughter pasta to impress her. it didnt work"...

So... I don't know what to tell you...

I think its easy to "love the individual but hate the group"... I think its even human nature... it is easier to fractionalize in broad, general sweeps... its harder when you know a single persons story, their loves, their pains.

I have a refugee couple from africa living with me. A young man and woman. I call him my son. His father and mother were killed in civil war, along with three brothers. He calls me his other father.

Until I met him, the central, eastern african crisis was just another story from time to time, a media blurb on occasion. No real personal connection. Until I met this young man, he was just another refugee.

Now he is my son, for all intents and purposes.

I might never have said anything racial about him had I never known him... but knowing the man makes a difference.

I don't know why your guy plays with stereotypes in casual conversation. It might be that he grew up in that environment. It might be active in his mind. It might be passive noise.

Point is, I agree with wondergirl... yes, it might be twisted, but we tend to connect with people individually better than we tend to connect to a large group. Its human nature.