Ask Me Help Desk - I need a guys opinion.

My ex broke up with me about half a year ago on the grounds of he "doesnt want a relationship" there are many details that contributed to the break up but frankly I can't be bothered going into them because no matter how I play it out in my head it ultimately still leads to the same conclusion.. that is the break-up..

The problem is that in this time we have been broken up we have never really moved on as we always come back and sleep together. I have tried dating other people but given that up now because the feeling is just not the same with anyone else. BUT he is still adamant that he doesn't want to be with me.. then why keep coming back? I mean if its just about the sex I'm sure he can find someone else to sleep with.. he is really good looking and girls throw themselves at him all the time (one of the reasons of the break up).

Right now its like he is trying to ween himself off me lol first we saw each other a lot, then he was trying to make it once a week, now we see each other once about every two weeks.. etc. I mean its dumb of course I know I should move on.. its just hard because I haven't found anyone else who makes me feel like he does.. We had a really good relationship. There's so many guys but what's the point none of them are HIM..

The thing is I know he won't stop seeing me because even he himself said he's not sure if he could ever stop. So then if its so hard then why is he trying to stop? I need a guys perspective.. What would be going through your head if you were in this situation?? :confused:

Why buy another cow when this one is free?

There is something to be said for having someone there that you do not need to work to have sex with. He is using you for a booty call, nothing more. You are OK in bed, he does not need to work for it, it is there when he needs it, and he does not need to deal with being tied down in a committed relationship with you. It is the Holy Grail for any of us guys! We all strive to have that type of relationship!! Plus, you wanting him all the time makes him feel better about himself and thus it is an ego boost. He can do whatever he wants to you and you will just follow along like a puppy!

Thanks for your opinions.. I want to make it clear that by no means am I chasing him around though.. Might have sounded like that.. I try and stop and avoid him but that only makes him more interested! And he only tries harder.. what do you think I should do?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jijiking

Thanks for your opinions..I wanna make it clear that by no means am I chasing him around tho..Might have sounded like that..I try and stop and avoid him but that only makes him more interested! And he only trys harder.. what do you think I should do?

Of course he will chase you if you seem uninterested. Every guy wants what he can't have. Unfortunately, you always fall back into his arms and his bed.

Do No Contact -- no phone contact, no texting, no in-person contact, no smiles, no winks, no friendly expressions, no looking interested. No "trying to avoid him." AVOID HIM and HAVE NO CONTACT WITH HIM. Don't tell him no or you're not interested or go away. Don't tell him anything. If he's there, leave. If he approaches you, turn and walk away. No explanations AT ALL!! NO CONTACT. Do you understand?

Drop him like a bad habit... Tell him you are no longer interested in seeing him and stick to it. By all means, stop sleeping with him. This will make him try harder to get you back but you are done with him, right?!

Quote:

Originally Posted by xyzpdq0121

tell him you are no longer interested in seeing him

Nooooooooooooooooo! Don't tell him anything!!

Ok I will try and do this.. I wish I could say 100% that I was completely done with him forever.. I just can't help but still be into him..

Do you think that once it reaches this point it could never go back to how it was? As in he will never want to be in a relationship with me again? I asked him once and he said he's not sure.. That was probably just to keep me holding on though right?

Quote:

He doesn't want to be with me.. then why keep coming back?

Sex, sex, and more sex, with no strings either.

Quote:

As in he will never want to be in a relationship with me again?

Why would he? He has what he wants.

Quote:

I asked him once and he said he's not sure..

Stop the sex, and see if he still comes around

Quote:

That was probably just to keep me holding on though right?

No, it was to keep you letting him have free unrestricted, easy sex.

Sorry to be harsh, but you have to see your being used for your body.

The others have nailed it and that is you're his booty call.

Don't give him sex and he will disappear.

If you'd done this 6 months ago you would have been over him by now and enjoying meeting new people.

It's just sex. A relationship is work. If you want something more, you have to cut off the sex and find someone else. That's all he wants, and you give it to him with out any return on his part.

No strings attached sex with a woman that is easily accessible, and gives it up every time... sounds great if you are a guy who is lazy, a loser, and who doesn't want to put in the work to find someone else. Mind you all of this is being done at your emotional expense!!

Sometimes after two people have broken up they figure why not go to my ex since they're available. Most likely he is thinking "why buy the cow when the milk is free". But more than likely it is a mutual agreement and I bet when you get in touch with him, he knows why. You have a need and he is there willing, ready, and able to supply it. However sooner or later this cycle is going stop. You just have to have the will power to stop it, if you want and learn to go without sex or invest in some toys to please yourself.

The question should be "why do you keep allowing this cycle to continue?" People only do what you let them do. It obivious you don't want to move past on so you're a willing particpant in this to.

Threads merged

I'm quite upset that my friend saw my ex with another girl a few days ago. I have seen him with this girl before.. We have still been hooking up since we broke up but now he says that we should move on and I think its because he probably likes this other girl?

The first time I saw him with her he ditched her and was trying to see me a lot because I got angry and wouldn't see him. But now it seems he has changed his mind. He deny's that he is going to get into a relationship with this girl but then why is he still hanging out with her?

I know its actually not really my business anymore since we're not together but I can't help but feel sick every time I think of it! Is she really that great.. I felt fine about the situation when he was chasing me around but now I'm pissed off.

Any advice on what to do? Please don't say move on and forget about him.. Because believe me I'm trying :(

You are not trying to get over him if you are still hooking up.

You have to stop all contact with him if you ever hope to get over him.There is no half stepping or weaning yourself from someone.

If he is asking you to move on it's a pretty good indication that he has moved on.

Don't put yourself in a position where he can use you for sex and you will save yourself a lot of heartache.

True love, can be many things. Every one has their opinion, experiences, interpretation, and perceptions about it.

True, as defined at: true definition | Dictionary.com
1. being in accordance with the actual state or conditions; conforming to reality or fact; not false: a true story.
2. real; genuine; authentic: true gold; true feelings.
3. sincere; not deceitful: a true interest in someone's welfare.
4. firm in allegiance; loyal; faithful; steadfast: a true friend.

Love as defined at: love definition | Dictionary.com
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

Lets say love is a firm genuine, deep affection and loyalty that is built upon a profoundly passionate faithful belief in the binding of two people's lives. Forever they will be attached in one form or another. Personally I would argue that there is also a point to which one may need to learn to let go of a love, simply because only if you truly love some one/ thing will you find the strength to let them go of your own free will. I think that is important, because it lets people know that we don't have to be together just because we "have to", but we stay together because we want to. Also some times, the one's we want to stay with, don't want to stay with us, and so we have to accept that so we can move on. There maybe "soul mates", but it's not clear as to whether we develop, and grow into such, or if it's predetermined for us. Maybe finding our soul mate has more to do with finding ourselves, and in doing so can finally attract our soul mates. Very mysterious is the world that we pretend to know.

Lust= Passion, sex drive and hormones. One night stands, or meaningless flings. (The people that do this seem to show very little self respect, and tend to "...act kinda proud with no respect for themselves." P.O.D.- Youth of the nation)

Love= Passion, sex drive, hormones, enjoy a person's company/ personality, and some respect. (Actually, I think this may be most relationships in our world. In love, but not so willing to see the difference between them self and their lover, and what their relationship really means. There are different types, levels and kinds of Love at this level. Like the women who loves her man so much even when he hits her, or when the man loves his women but she cheats on him. Then there is the couple that is relatively happy together, but don't really grow, or progress because they are too different, or a like, or just don't work well together. )

True Love= The one you will spend your life with, while there is time left to spend. You understand that you may not be together forever, but still live for the moment. You are comfortable with each other, and yourselves. Grow together, and progress in life, due to a healthy balance. When there is a split, it is on good terms, hard, painful still but good. (The "good" split is not to be confused with a careless, reckless, and respect-less split. It is not like the couple who splits and stay's friends and cheats on their new partners with the one they are splitting on good terms with. I might argue that true friends are in true love.)

Soul Mates= True Love + Forever being with your lover as your lover will forever be with you. The one you are dedicated to until death do you part. Perhaps the one you will follow into the after life, what ever it maybe. Know yourself, and you will know your soul mate.

As to whether I believe these... They are possibilities, just like anything, everything, nothing, and something else...

will everyone find love?
That is dependent, do we count the love of GOD as some believe, the Love one feels for themselves, The love of a family or friends?

Love is not all about passion and sex. It's more complicated, and it also depends where what your cultural back ground is. I some times think that is why people are so confused about love, because they feel the same feeling for some one they love as for some one they want to just have sex with. That heated passion, and so on. But love is more than that, it's about connection, and being able to be with the one you love with out invading who they are. So often people get messed up by their feelings saying, "Oh look at this new exciting prospect of adventure..." Then the morals and spiritual guidance kicks in, "This is not right, I may be attracted, but i don't know this person. It's very dangerous, STDs, rape, murder, and so on. I deserve to be treated better then a fluzy, sex toy." Then it's a perpetual war waged within the confines of your own mind. These days people seem more prone to act on basic instinct and feelings than reason, and honorable intentions. Don't get me wrong, that's just an over generalization. There are still people who do care about what happens to one another, and do seem to be happy even after just a one night stand, but not always. Haha I guess I've been hanging around too many rough necks eh? Haha, welders, mill laborers, and such.

All I've given you is just my opinion. No real evidence saying nor suggesting its true.

Peace and kindness be with you.

“If you love someone, does it mean you would be able to let them go and be happy with someone else? Even if its hard as hell for you?”- none12345

You may consider following this, Forgive yourself for past mistakes. Or it will be hard to know yourself. If you can not forgive yourself and thus let go of the past, you may only end up in situations that are too familiar and using your illusions II make things seem good when they are not. As Guns 'N' Roses play,
"Cause yesterday's got nothin' for me
Old pictures that I'll always see
Some things could be better
If we'd all just let them be..."

Forgive yourself, then you can begin to know yourself. No it is very unlikely that we will ever know our self's entirely, for it's an on going progression that lasts through out our entire being, or so it is seems that such advice is important to keep in mind. When we get to know ourselves, we get to understand the connection we have and share with others. Whether it's, a lover, friend, the vary air we breath, the food we eat, the substances we put in our bodies, and the balance between all. Like I said, how can we know our soul mate if we don't know ourselves. So, if we break up with one lover and wish to improve our ability to be in a healthy relationship, then perhaps the best way to do this is by first getting to be ourselves. That means know yourself, and you shall know Love. It can be seen as not true, but I believe that is, for the most part, if you use your illusions II make things seem other than they are. If you can not be honest with yourself, you can not be honest with others.

Love yourself, this is very hard for most, on account that we all have such high expectations for ourselves and one another. This one is very touchy and hard to deal with since it's a very powerful emotion. We tend to try and tighten our grip on it, but no matter how tight to grip it, it just runs through our hands like sand. We become addicted to Love, and in the book "The brain that changes it'self" it is compared to the drug Cocaine. While we have our love, or in my best interpretation that which seems to invoke the feeling of "Love"/"Euphoria", we are "happy". Then we start to associate things with that "Love". Should we loose that "love", we become depressed and miss that “love” dearly.
This is the complex part, we feel euphoric because the pleasure centers in the Septal region of the Limbic system is turned on. This makes us associate what we experience, good or Bad, with the feeling of pleasure. When we are "in Love", on a "manic High" (term for people who have a mental illness called Mania, or bipolar.), or if we are under the influence of cocaine; the threshold at which our pleasure centers will fire is lowered, making it easier for them to turn on. "Neurons that fire together wire together." (this term implies that while the threshold of our pleasure centers is lowered, we associate what ever we do/see/think/feel/smell and generally experience with Pleasure.) Now, the pleasure center has another name, "the appetitive pleasure system" ("Appetitive: 1. An instinctive physical desire, especially one for food or drink. 2. A strong wish or urge: an appetite for learning." - Appetitive - definition of Appetitive by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.) The reason for the strong urge or instinctive physical desire is because the appetitive pleasure system is a dopamine-based system associated with the pleasure of anticipating something we desire.

So now, when we separate from our "love" for too long we suffer from with drawl and the things that we associated with our "love", rather than bringing us happy feelings, they taunt us and serve as a dark reminder of the love we lost. That can change over time, but when the separation is new, it's really hard to look past the pain, and illusions we create. Generally after losing a love, the pleasure center isn't functioning the same, so they crash and begin craving their "love", get anxious, doubt themselves, lose their energy, and feel rundown if not depressed. Like the junky getting a small fix, a letter, e-mail, text message, or telephone message from our "love" gives us that old shot of energy and joy.

Relationships that are regular and routine, well the dopamine in our systems likes novelty, so we have to keep things rather fresh and new, exciting or our brains get bored. They need stimulation, and I've come to wonder if people who have relationship troubles and drink or do drugs regularly, aren't linked to this idea of new and fresh. See, when we do drugs, drink alcohol, we kill brain cells and make it hard for the brain to learn new things. That is only in relative terms though, and a whole new story.

Um in short you answered your own question.

Your not together and now all the attention is directed toward another and not you. You need to decide stand still and let the world go by or take charge and get on with your life.
He isn't the last guy to make you feel good, get out and have fun.

You didn't mention why you guys broke up. If you broke up with him, then of course you should not try to get back with him or anything because its just a drama (at least that's how the guys read it), if he broke up with you, then you need to work on moving on..

Basically he was using you to ease his pain of not having anybody. Now he found somebody and doesn't want you ruining it so you should be upset with him enough to get over him and move on. You are wasting your time thinking along any other lines.
He is happy now, leave him be.

I may be repeating some stuff, sorry about that, but here is more to the psychological perspective on Neurological explanation of addiction/love. I'm having a hard time finding where to start for your Sexual behaviour, and how to use the porn addiction section in the book to explain it. I hope this helps.

"Ok, so we have a pleasure center located in the limbic system, a part of the brain heavily involved in processing emotion, and a Dr. Robert Heath did experiments on humans in this area. He took electrodes, the brain doesn't have feeling, and put them into the septal region of the limbic system and turned it on, the patient would then experience a powerful euphoria, so powerful that one patient pleaded with them not to stop. This same region fires up when pleasant subjects were discussed and during orgasm. These pleasure centers were found to be part of the brain's reward system, the mesolimbic dopamine system.
When the pleasure center is turned on everything we experience gives us pleasure. Cocaine lowers the threshold at which our pleasure centers will fire, making it easier for them to turn on. The three reasons our pleasure center's thresholds are lowered are we do a drug like Cocaine, have a manic high (Manics, bipolar.), or we are in love.
If a person gets high on Cocaine, becomes manic, or falls in love, they enter an enthusiastic state and are optimistic about everything, because all three will lower the firing threshold for the appetitive pleasure system, the dopamine-based system associated with the pleasure of anticipating something we desire. They are sensitive to anything that may give them pleasure, and are filled with hopeful anticipation. Things like nature, flowers, grass, sunshine inspire them; small but thoughtful gestures allow them to delight in all man kind. Doidge, the writer of "the brain that changes it'self", calls this process "Globalization".
Globalization allows us to take more pleasure in the world, and inhibits pain, displeasure, or aversion. Things that normally bother us, don't. We love being in love not only because it makes it easier for us to be happy but also because it makes it harder for us to be unhappy.
Globalization allows us to learn new things easier too; because when we are "in love" we are "happy, and it's harder to be unhappy, we like things we normally don't", and the dopamine helps the brain consolidate "Neuroplasticity". (plastic is the brains ability to rearrange it's neuro-connections to accommodate, the addition of information, sub traction, brain damage, "Hemisphere-ectimy" (I'm not sure how to spell it, YouTube - Brain Plasticity), and various other brain related issues.)

Freud once described the elated effects of cocaine to his fiancee, Martha, in letters. He says, he feels fearless, not fatigued, less shy, increased self esteem, no longer depressed, euphoric, enhances his energy, enthusiasm, and has an aphrodisiac effect. He was describing a state akin to "romantic intoxication". The book says in both cases, the Cocaine high, and "romantic Intoxication" may impair one's judgment. Recent fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) scans of lovers looking at photos of their sweethearts show that a part of the brain with great concentrations of dopamine is activated; their brains looked like those of people on cocaine.

When separated for too long, lovers crash and experience withdrawal, crave their beloved, get anxious, doubt them selves, lose their energy, and feel run-down if not depressed. Like a little fix a letter, and e-mail, or a telephone message from the beloved provides and instant shot of energy. Should they brake up, they get depressed- the opposite of the manic high...
After a time of being with some one, the brain doesn't produce that dopamine like before, if they adapt to well to each other. Dopamine likes novelty. (From NESTORAIN: Some people might say that their spouse/partner is too dull, but really they are just addicted to the unpredictability, and excitement that comes with exploration of a new place. You can do what you'd like here, but it may be wise to try and spice it up a bit, be random some times, spontaneous, and take time away from one another so you both don't get "tired" of one another.) Dr.Doidge believes that this means their "plastic" brains have so well adapted to each other that it's harder for them to get the same buzz they once got from each other.
Dr. Doidge also suggests if this happens to inject novelty into the relationship. Try new activities together, or wear new kinds of clothing, surprise one another. Pretty much keep the brain working, entertained, and learning fresh new things." _ The brain that changes it'self by Dr. Norman Doidge M.D.

I hope that helps, I didn't quite quote the book, but I did paraphrase, and used some lines right from it. Those were just pages 113-116. There is so much more to this chapter on love, mind you it does go into details on porn addiction, sexual perversions and how they may work/happen. Very interesting, as it is the chapter on Acquiring tastes and loves. Very interesting stuff, but if you're not into that, I guess not eh!

Hey take all that for what you will, but the wisdom in there is up for you to find.

And yes, it's hard to leave some one, and it's like putting salt and lemmon juice on an open cut when the other person starts dating some one else. But that's because they want to get over you, they aren't strong enough to face the pain which coincadently is the way we grow. "no pain, no gain."

Focus on yourself, eventually your mind thinks of him less and is wired to consentrait on what you want to do with your life. Get to know yourself, and love yourself, and you'd be wise to (even though you did nothing "worng".) forgive yourself for choosing what you have that causes such pain.

Listen to fade to black, it's s'posed to be about death, but they say losing some one to death is comparable to that of leaving/being left by a lover.

Peace and kindness be with you.

Quote:

Any advice on what to do? Please don't say move on and forget about him.. Because believe me I'm trying :(

Your not trying because you like the attention, but you need to stop hooking up, and stay out of his business.

Eventually you will move on.