My girlfriend of 4 years told me she wanted a break. I've read some of the other threads here, and the people who have gotten them have got some very good advice, so I'm asking for some myself. The last week or so, I have been staying at my moms to watch my younger sisters, and take them out to our barn to do horse chores. She drove me to my moms, as we only had one vehicle between us and she had work to go to, and I can drive my sisters truck. When we went to town before going to my moms, we saw some of our old friends from school, one of which is her cousin. She decided she wanted to hang out with them for a while when I was at my moms. She didn't work that day but she was supposed to work the next 5ish days. So I get dropped off at my moms, and she goes to our friends. Now the friends are all male, but she isn't interested in them, and they aren't in her. So I go to my moms, and get up the next mornin, and have her bring the truck over early so I can get the tires changed. We get them changed and sh drops me back off at my moms. And then goes back to our friends and calls in sick to work, so she can hang out with them. She is over there for 4 days and does the same thing, calls in sick to work, and stays the night there. I am upset by this, as I'm Joining the Air Force, and until I do her income is the only income we have. But I let her do it as she has been working a lot lately, and hasn't spent time with friends for months. So one of the days she is spending with her friends, and no one is going to be home at my mothers for the night. I go out, buy some dinner to cook, some popcorn, a few movies, and some mikes hard lemonade. She likes to drink with me once and a while, and has said before she would like to do it more often, and we have been having kind of a slow time in our relationship, so I go out and get all of this set up. I don't tell her cause I wanted it to all be a surprise, as she likes surprises. So I call her up and tell her I made plans for us tonight, and she says she can't as she is hanging out with her friends. Im pretty upset at this, as you can guess. I am moving to my moms, a mere 20 min from where we live now, so I can get a job before joining the airforce. So I had to go over to our place, and I grabbed a bunch of my stuff, and a pair of clothes for her, and I go to drop them off. I look pretty upset when I drop them off, but I tell her nothing of the surprise I had for her. I leave and go back to my moms, and make the dinner and all the stuff I was going to do, but by myself. I get pretty buzzed on the mikes hard, and I text her telling her I need to talk to here in the morning. So when I wake up in the morn I have a few messages on my phone, and I tell her that I don't need to talk to her anymore, that I was buzzed and I don't really want a break. And then she drops the bomb. She does want one. What do I do now? I need some advice.

How old are you guys?

It seems that she is pretty caught up in hanging out with these friends of yours. Maybe the two of you should sit down in the same room and have a talk. So that you can make she wants a break, and what degree of contact the two of you should have; texts, calls... or no contact at all.

You're going to be staying at your moms house anyway, right? And when are you joining the air force and for how long? (I'm sorry, I don't know anything about this sort of stuff; for how long, distance between you... but I'm guessing that it implies some sort of physical distance between the two of you,

If she still wants a break and with no contact; you should give her the space she asks for... and while your on this break; you need to take care of yourself!

I hope this was of some help (lol despite my lack of air force knowledge ;))

Best of luck!

Roxy

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Originally Posted by Caecus

What do i do now? I need some advice.

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If you have read the posts and Stickies in the relationship forum you should know you have three choices:
1) Beg and plead for her to stay and likely drive her further away.
2) Give her a break and then some, mean it and disappear, and hope she eventually returns.
3) Try to be just friends.

You didn't mention exactly what you said in the text and who mentioned break first. If you mentioned break first during your buzzed text, well she's probably going to give it to you if for no other reason than to make you beg. Pissed and/or buzzed is never a good time to make decisions. Good luck.

Maybe a break is good for the both you. Her priorites aren' straight especially if she missing work because she is out hanging out the night before. She needs a reality check and maybe she was waiting for you to call it instead of her.

The both of you sounds young so these happens when one person wants to be free instead of being tied down. Even though you was tipsy you was speaking your mind and some how I think you know that.

I don't have a date I'm leaving yet, I haven't technically joined yet. I have all my paperwork filled out, but I have some bills I got to pay before I join. It will probably be like 7 months before I leave. I will be joining for about 4-6 years, but we have talked about it and she will be coming with me.

I told her I needed to talk to her, and that was it in my buzzed text, But she new what I meant when I said it. I told her the next day that I didn't need a talk and that I didn't want a break(She already knew that I was going to say that, I didn't have to tell her). I mentioned the break first, and then told her I really didn't want one, and explained to her that I had made plans for us, and that I got mad and got really buzzed the night before, and I really didn't want a break.

I know the begging pleading won't work, I don't intend on doing that. We are already great friends, but I don't want to just disappear from her life. Before we ever thought about breaking up or taking breaks, she told me that if we ever break up or take a break she doesn't want us to disappear from eachothers lives.

We are both 21 BTW, I forgot to put that in my last post.

Not everyone that breaks up remain friends. You only do this if you can stand her being with someone else because if you can't what's the use.

You say you have all these plans for the two of you but sometimes things don't go according to plan. In life you always have to have a back up plan.

I know not everyone remains friends after a break up. We aren't broken up yet, just on a break, but that just be where it leads to in the end. She is the one who wants to be friends no matter what happens, but if we break up and stuff, I have to move on, I wouldn't be able to stand even thinking of her with another guy.

I know things don't go according to plan, that's a fact of life, stuff happens. She likes it when I make plans for us though, that's why I do. Usually everything I do is spur of the moment stuff.

Thanks so far everyone, keep it coming. Just talking about it is helping me to feel better.


So what should I do when she lets me know what's going on, one way or the other? What do I do if she does break up with me? What can I do? And what about if she decides we should be together... What should I do? I want to be with her, but its kind of upsetting to go through with this.

So far its been 3 days since we have talked, 7 since we have seen each other. The break started 3 days ago.

Most breaks are permanent and when one is on a break they are free to do whatever they want. This includes seeing other people, in her case guys.

You stated this break was dreading because nobody wanted to step up and see something but the alcohol gave you courage to.

Now the best thing for you to do is to go about with your life and don't live on false hope. Time for you start keeping busy.

One thing that jumps out at me is her putting the finances of the partnership in danger by choosing to hang with friends, instead of working. That's enough of a deal breaker in my book to let her have her break, and pursue your own plan.

Because of her choice she has also canceled your plans for the two of you. Those are red flags that could mean her commitment to the partnership have changed and for whatever reasons she may have, what you do now is your only concern.

Just my opinion, give her what she wants, a break, and carry on with your own personal business, that's already been planned out.

Another red flag, there was no honest communications, nor a willingness to work with you, when the chaos, and confusion arose, and you needed to talk about what the next step should be.

For now rearrange your life, and thinking, to not include her in your plans for your future. That would be my advice.

yeah, I agree with Tal. Those are some red flags in her actions before the break.

and I second Tals advice as to what you do now, even if this is just a break at the moment. Your main concern now is you and whatever plans you have (air force, finding a job before you go their etc) should all surround you and your current position. So you should continue to peruse what ever goals/plans you had before the break, and for now leave her out of the equation.

I'm glad it makes it better for you to talk about this. Best of luck!

Roxy

Thanks guys for the advice. It happened today... She broke up with me. She refused to even see me face to face, she did it over a text. What do I do? What can I do? I feel lost and sad, and I can't stop thinking about her. I love her, I miss her and its only been a few hours. Im just lost now. Everything I did in my life after high school I did for her, for us, so we could have a better life together. And I just don't know what to do now. I feel like I can't breathe most of the time, and when I can breathe I just start to cry. I went over to her house when she was gone and got all of my stuff together and packed and left, and when I got home I packed all of her stuff up and txtd her telling her that it was ready for her to pick up, and to let me know when she was so I could be gone for it. Like I said earlier, she hasn't been to work in a week now, and I know its not my problem anymore, but I still feel bad. To make matters worse, her stepdad called her (Thats were she lives, at her step dads) and told her that if she doesn't get her @$$ in line that she is going to get kicked out and that he was going to tell her boss where she has been. She called me and got angry cause she thought I told her step dad everything, but I hadn't talked to him, and I explained it to her and she said 'I may get kicked out and fired from my job!'. I told her 'Im sorry, I really am, but I have nothing to do with it, and it isn't my problem any more.' She just stopped talking for a full minute and then said 'i got to go'.

What does this all mean? Is it over for good? Or is she still thinking about it? She hasn't picked up her stuff yet and she is a mere 5 min drive away (Still at her cousins). I don't know what to do, please help...

Yes it is over for good. You might not see it now but it is a blessing in disguise because the two of you are on two separate paths. Your looking towards the future while she is living for the moment living wild and free.

It is okay to cry and let it out but in the long run your going see and realize every thing said in your thread.

I am sorry this happen but it had to happen and your going be a stronger man behind it.

Don't hold on to her things for too long. If anything, if you can, drop it off her house. This only gives her more of a reason to contact you and prolong your healing.

Hold your head up high and remember "what don't kill you only makes you stronger and things don't always goes according to plan". In the meantime you can always come on here. Also all girls aren't like her.

Your relationship is over and the sooner you accept the fact the sooner you will be able to begin healing. A breakup is just like a scab if you pick at it its only going to get worse and prolong the healing.

So the first step now is to get rid of anything that reminds you of her. Don't necessarily throw it away, but box it up so that you aren't constantly seeing it. Keep your head focused because it is so easy to slip up and text or talk to her. That will only be picking at the scab.

Get out and do something with your time. Interview for a job and when you get one it will really boost your confidence. Work out and get ready for boot camp. Keep yourself busy it's the only way to get through. Good luck.

I know all women aren't like her... Thank you for the advice, I really needed it. I understand now that things are over, and even if they weren't, it would never be the same. If we ever got back together I would feel like I was stepping on eggshells all the time to not let it happen again. And a relationship can't be like that. I don't want to drop off her things at her house, just because I don't want her to think I'm trying to get back together with her. Trust me, that's the kind of thing she would think.

And those are my 2 favorite quotes, lol.

Again thank you everyone for the advice, even though it won't do me any good now, it may in the future.

PS I think you are right... It is over, for good. We have been through this 2 times already. First she broke up with me for another guy she thought she liked, then 2 weeks later got back together with me, and the second time I broke up with her because I was stressed about money, she kept calling in to work (See a pattern here?) and we had to pay rent for our apartment, and I just got frustrated and told her I'm done. And then I came back to her a few weeks later, and tried to get back with her, but she said no cause she already had a new boyfriend, and he was one of those guys who only want one thing from women, and if they isn't giving it, he isn't staying. After about 3 months she figured that out and decided to give us another try right after I had gotten through the worst of the hurting. So I of course said yes. And until about a week ago everything was (Or so I thought) fine.

Honestly, I don't think that if she even asked me to go back out again that I would say yes. Friends someday? Maybe. But that's a big maybe.

Thanks again everyone. You have helped me through a hard time and I appreciate it greatly. I will post on the thread letting you all know how I'm doing. Thanks.

Well, I think I have successfully gotten over the first major hurdle on my way to getting over her. Like I said, we have been through this before. This time was easier than the rest. I went over to get the rest of my things, she wasn't supposed to be home, and when I got there her step dad was there, which was fine cause he is a good guy and pretty much loves me. Me and him talk for a bit while I'm packing the rest of my stuff, and then out of the blue she walked in. My first reflex was to beg her to come back but I bit my toungue(Literally, it still hurts, lol.) and just said hi and smiled. She said hi back, then went outside for a minute, and came back with her friend. Who was a guy. Not only had they started dating about 10 minutes after she broke up with me, but he was also one of my hi school buddies. It hurt a bunch, but I just said hi, smiled like there was nothing wrong, and kept talking to her step dad. She looked kind of disapointed, I think she was hoping I was jealous. Which of course I was, but I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that. I was there for about an hour and a half after that, she stayed in her room with him, and came out to talk to me a little bit. I mostly just smiled and when asked how I was doing I replied 'im doing great. How about you?" with a smile. She looked really unnerved, lol. She asked if I needed help putting my stuff in the truck and I said I was fine, and then I said goodbye. She gave me a hug before I left, and it was nice, but I just wasn't feeling it anymore. You all know what I mean by it. The spark, the jolt that made us a couple. And that was when I accepted it and just dropped it. I guess its like the old saying 'the straw that broke the camels back', I just kind of snapped on the inside, and broke I guess. But in a good way, in such a way that I know that we are over, and that I am over it.

On another note, the guy she is dating now is 2 years younger than her, and much more immature than she is, and that's saying a lot. I think it will do her good to be on the other side of the relationship and see what its like when the other person is the immature one. I just hope she learns that she isn't a child anymore, that as an adult you have to take responsibility for the things you do. If I know her at all, I will get a call in anywhere from a week to a few months asking to get back together with me. That's what happened the last 2 times we broke up. But this time it will be different. I won't take her back again, because I don't deserve to be put through this again, and I don't want to be with her if it means I have to walk on eggshells all the time just so she doesn't do it again.

Thanks again guys.

I think you have broken a bad pattern you were in, and handled it very maturely. Hope you get the best. Looking forward to any updates, or questions, you may have.

Day 2-

Ok I'm doing good so far. It's the second day now, and she called me earlier, asking about an internet cord of mine that I took with the rest of my things. She was upset with me for taking it, but I told her that 'its mine, I was letting you use it.' She was like 'well, can I still please use it?' I of course told her no. She has to get one if she wants internet at her place.

She is going back to work now, after being threatened by her step sister to go talk to her boss. Im glad she is doing that at least. Its really starting to sink in that she is gone, and its starting to hurt now. Im getting through it by hanging out with my friends and just keeping as busy as possible.

Any suggestions to help sleep? I am having trouble sleeping, I can't stop thinking about her. I know that its probably weak, but I just can't stop thinking about her. We haven't spent more than a day or 2 apart from each other in like 3 years. And we haven't not slept together in the last 4. I just keep waking up at night and reaching for her but she is gone. Any advice on this? Im afraid I'm going to lose my mind if I can't get her off it.

Nights were the hardest for me too, so I ended up keeping myself extremely busy throughout the day, by the time it was time to sleep I was too exhausted to think about anything.

ARGH. Why does sh*t like this have to happen? I mean seriously. Why does this kind of thing happen? Im finally starting to feel sick and more sad and stuff like I was last time we broke up. I hoped it wouldn't happen, but it did. Im sorry if it sounds like I'm ranting or venting, but honestly, I can't talk to anyone here about this really. I can't talk to my mom, cause she already hates Nicole (My ex) and I really don't want her to hate her. I guess I am still holding onto straws about the whole her getting back together thing with me. I really can't help it, But I'm sure the guys that are here know what I mean, and the girls probably do to. She told me I could keep my copy of the key to her place, and I don't know why. Its driving me crazy. Im trying my best to get through this, but I'm going crazy. Luckily my aunt and grandpa that live in Roseburg (Bout an 4 hour drive away from where I am now) and I'm going to go and spend a few weeks with them in a couple days. I can't wait to get out of here. At least up there I know for a fact I won't run into either Nicole or her new boyfriend anywhere, and if she calls I can just ignore it without her coming over.

On a side note... I just found out from Nicoles step sister that she probably wasn't a virgin when we first made love. I was, and she said she was. It was when we both were 17. But I had heard some things when we were in high school together that I didn't think were true, as she had just started dating me, and the things I heard were from her ex. But the more that I think about it, and the fact that I have heard about it from other people... I really don't think she was. And from the fact that every time we broke up she was having dating and having sex with someone within a few days of us breaking up. She has been dating this guy for 3 days now (As far as I know, but hell I'm sure she has been with him for longer) and her step sister said that they are having sex already. Blargh. Why does this sh*t happen.

And the only way I can find to fall asleep is to just stay up to an ungodly hour watching movies trying to not think about her, and then pass out from exhaustion. And I'm starting to run out of movies. Im trying to pick movies that have nothing to do with romance or anything like that so I don't have to think about it, but unfortunately, almost every movie my mom owns is romance. Im going bloody crazy.

Lol, OK guys, thanks for this venting. I really needed it, lol.