Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend is in trouble

My boyfriend might be the father to some girls baby.
The baby hasen't been born yet, but she is threatening to take him to court if he dosen't date her and claim the baby.

He says it can't be his, but she says it is.

I'm not sure what to do.
I am smart and am usually good at this kind of stuff.
I'm going to University in a year for Psychology.
But in this case I don't know what to do.

Is there anyway to solve this before the baby is born.
And is there any way for him to not have to be with her.

No one can force anyone to date them. But she can prove that he is the father after the baby is born through a paternity test.

If he is the father, proven medically through this test. He has to pay child support but would you want some one who lied?

If he is not the father, then you still have to wonder if they indeed slept together. Why is she claiming what she is claiming? Some women are malicious but most women are not.

Keep your eyes & ears open. Go with your gut.

She's s crack head by the sounds of it.

She says she's about a month along. And that he is the father.

But he says that's impossible cause he slept with her before we started dating about 4-5 months ago.

I'm not sure who's right, I haven't met her or seen her at all.

Right now, there is nothing you can do. When the child is born, if she continues to maintain he's he father, then he challenges it in court and a paternity test is ordered. If he's telling the truth, it will come back negative. Otherwise you will know he lied to you.

As cruel as it sounds, if he truly believes there is NO possible way he's the father, he actually needs to stay away from her completely. I don't know where you are, but my state's laws will hold a man to the responsibility of a child that isn't his if he has made any indications that the possibility exists. I know from personal experience (not mine) that if he gives her any money even before baby is born, courts here will hold him to the responsibilities of a parent since they veiw it as him accepting that responsibility already. This woman will likely be a large pain in the , but all you can do is ride it out until after she gives birth. Then, if baby is your bf's, you have some options. One, he can relenquish paternal rights, but still be held to it's responsibilities. Basically, he will say in court that he doesn't want anything to do with the child, ever. Court will still require him to pay child support, but he'll be rquired to pay through them, not her. So essentially, they will vanish from his life.

I notice how ue all are saying women.

I should have specified this before.

Were all 16.

If she is threating and harassing him, get proof and get a restraining order against her.

Once the baby is born, file for a DNA test and prove it one way or another.

Since you need to end up in court to prove it one way or the other anyway, so smile and just say, great, see you in court.

The craziness of the other girl makes ALL kind of sense now. Sweetie, here's your answer and it's very simple.
Move on.
Whether he's the father is a totally irrelevant thing for you. Your whole life is waiting for you to come explore it. By all means, be there to support him if you need to. Just do it as a friend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KearMac

i notice how ue all are saying women.

i should have specified this before.

were all 16.

Now you have another issue. If he did have sex with her, whether he's the father or not he could be charged with statutory rape. If he is havng sex with you that could also happen.

I thinlk you need to say away from a boy who has had casual underage sex.

Again, it all depends on the laws of her state. And again, depending on her state's laws, her boyfriend could give up his rights as the father if he is the father. The court won't force visitation on him if he doesn't want it. He will, however, still be required to pay child support. However, if he doesn't give up his rights, but doesn't utilize them, after a certain period, 3 years here, the other parent can petition to have his rights stripped from him. And the court will still authorize him to provide financially for the child. I have custody of my neices and have gone through this with my sister and their father. Either way- at 16 kearsten you are too young to have to be burdened with any of this. By all means be a shoulder for your boyfriend, but don't let the situation drag you down. Especially until you have something more definitive than "he said she said."

Quote:

Originally Posted by trinityd

Again, it all depends on the laws of her state. And again, depending on her state's laws, her bf could give up his rights as the father if he is the father. The court won't force visitation on him if he doesn't want it. He will, however, still be required to pay child support. However, if he doesn't give up his rights, but doesn't utilize them, after a certian period, 3 years here, the other parent can petition to have his rights stripped from him. And the court will still authorize him to provide financially for the child. I have custody of my neices and have gone through this with my sister and their father. Either way- at 16 kearsten you are too young to have to be burdened with any of this. By all means be a shoulder for your bf, but don't let the situation drag you down. Especially until you have something more definitive than "he said she said."

How about posting the state that your talking about or posting a link to these " laws " so we can look them up. I think there is more going on that's unsaid then there is being written.

Quote:

Originally Posted by trinityd

Again, it all depends on the laws of her state. And again, depending on her state's laws, her bf could give up his rights as the father if he is the father. The court won't force visitation on him if he doesn't want it. He will, however, still be required to pay child support. However, if he doesn't give up his rights, but doesn't utilize them, after a certian period, 3 years here, the other parent can petition to have his rights stripped from him. And the court will still authorize him to provide financially for the child. I have custody of my neices and have gone through this with my sister and their father.

I don't know the full circumstances of your experience, but I suspect there are more details then you are revealing here. The legal facts are that state laws do differ. Some jurisdictions will only terminate rights, others both rigths AND responsibilities. However, I don't know anywhere were a father can just give up their rights. Only a court can grant Termination of Parental Rights (TPR). The practical matter is that courts are VERY reluctant to grant TPRs. Generally they will only do so to clear the way for an adoption or if the parent represents a danger to the child.
While abandonment can sometimes be grounds for granting a TPR, its generally not enough on its own. If a parent is not exercising their rights, why bother terminating them?

So the advice you are giving is generally not legally accurate. Since this is a legal forum, advice needs to be legally accurate. If you can site specific statutes to support your advice, please produce them.

They can do a DNA test right now. Doctors can get a blood sample from the baby through her belly button but it's soooo expensive and he has to be willing to do it too. Trust me though if you can afford it do it. Honey to be honest if my man did turn out to be the father to that baby and isn't wanting to take responsibility I wouldn't know if he'd do it to me too. I would leave if it were his.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blushingbride

They can do a DNA test right now. Doctors can get a blood sample from the baby through her belly button but it's soooo expensive and he has to be willing to do it too. Trust me though if you can afford it do it. Honey to be honest if my man did turn out to be the father to that baby and isn't wanting to take responsibility I wouldn't know if he'd do it to me too. I would leave if it were his.

This has nothing to do with what HE is willing to do. This is all about what the MOTHER is willing to do.

DNA in utero is extremely, extremely dangerous and ill advised. DNA is also not admissible in Court unless in some States it's Court ordered and a Court-recognized facility is used. I am not aware of ANY Court that will order in utero DNA sampling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KearMac

shes s crack head by the sounds of it.

she says shes about a month along. and that he is the father.

but he says thats impossible cause he slept wiht her before we started dating about 4-5 months ago.

i'm not sure whos right, i haven't met her or seen her at all.

Thankss for the response :) <3

Kearsten MacDonald

Crackhead or not, apparently it didn't bother him when he was having sex with her. Wait until the baby is born and then DNA will prove what the truth is.

In the meantime, you have two choices: Believe him or don't believe him.

I don't know that meeting/seeing her will make any difference.

And, as Scott said, if you are all 16 there is a possibility your boyfriend will be charged with statutory rape.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

I don't know the full circumstances of your experience, but I suspect there are more details then you are revealing here. The legal facts are that state laws do differ. Some jurisdictions will only terminate rights, others both rigths AND responsibilities. However, I don't know anywhere were a father can just give up their rights. Only a court can grant Termination of Parental Rights (TPR). The practical matter is that courts are VERY reluctant to grant TPRs. Generally they will only do so to clear the way for an adoption or if the parent represents a danger to the child.
While abandonment can sometimes be grounds for granting a TPR, its generally not enough on its own. If a parent is not exercising their rights, why bother terminating them?

So the advice you are giving is generally not legally accurate. Since this is a legal forum, advice needs to be legally accurate. If you can site specific statutes to support your advice, please produce them.

I live in Indiana. Five and a half years ago, my sis and her boyfriend got into a fight and she left him. That night she brought my neices to me and asked if I could take care of them for her until she got settled. Three months went by where I didn't see or hear from either parent and then my oldest niece got sick. Bad sick. Since I didn't have guardianship or a waiver granting me the ability to make medical decisions, she had a three day stay at Methodist while I tracked down her father. He told the doctor that I could make decisions for my niece on his behalf. He never even stopped to see his daughter! The very next day I hired an attorney and filed for guardianship of my neices who were 2 and 3. I won. Since guardianship is granted in Probate court, to seek financial help (My husband and I have three children of our own) I had to file in Family court, where they granted me child support orders for my sis and her ex, at the same time granting me custody, which, in this state, is a whole other thing than guardianship. Now, during this process I learned some interesting facts I hadn't known previously. Such as that the ex had never signed a paternity affidavit when my oldest niece was born. Since he and my sis weren't married at the time, for him to have any rights and have his name on the birth certificate, he would have had to do this. I discovered that he hadn't done this because they had both known that it was impossible for him to be my neice's biological father. Their second child, however, does bear his name and is his biologically. So when the judge asked him about my oldest niece, he said he wasn't her father and therefore felt no obligation to pay for her. The judge overruled him, saying that he had for the most part acted as the child's father for the pst three and a half years and he was the only father she knew. As such, paternity had been assumed if not recorded. He said he wanted to terminate his rights. What happened next is one of my more fave moments. Tired of the obvious in front of her, she smiled and said, "Why yes, Mr. Taylor, you do have that option. However, it will not relenquish you from any of your responsibilities to this child. For all of her years, you have been her father. And while you may not fully understand or care about the ramifications of that fact, this court will not help you tear apart that child's world. So, it is the order of this court that Mr. Taylor is indeed the father of (my neice), incurring all said rights and responsibilities of that position. Now, do you wish to terminate your rights, Mr. Taylor?" He mumbled no and we sat down with a clerk to hash out the support figures and get his name on her birth certificate.
That was just the SECOND court experience out of twleve that I've been dragged into since I assumed custody. The third involved the biological father being dragged into court by my sis and the ex. His rghts were summarily terminated as well as his responsibilities. The fourth came after my sis and her boyfriend got married, which I found out about in court. The court overturned my guardianship, but since I had been granted custody in Family court, Probate court couldn't overrule that. So my next appearance came in family court where my custody was upheld after the court ordered child advocate stated that my sis' hme was not stable enough to have custody reinstated. And this was after she had had their third daughter, whom they do have custody of.
So, no, while not a lawyer, or even an expert, I do believe I am familiar enough with Indy laws to give an honest opinion on how something COULD turn out. I never stated that any of what I experienced was a given for Kearsten. In fact, I believe I pionted out SEVERAL times that based on her state laws, things could be drastically different. All I tried to do was give her a veiw point of possibilities based on my own experiences. I wasn't aware that to try to be helpful I had to have a law degree.

Your narrative just confirms exactly what I said. That courts are very reluctant to grant a TPR. Its obvious that the judge in your case was clearly trying to discourage the father from asking for a TPR. The fact is, that even though the judge admitted the law allowed him to get a TPR, in Indiana, a TPR only terminates rights not responsibility. That is not the law in other states. But the court climate in most states is to not grant TPRs except under the conditions I cited.

As to the bio father's rights being terminated, that was because the court had already ruled that legal paternity was conveyed up the other father.

Quote:

Originally Posted by trinityd

So, no, while not a lawyer, or even an expert, I do belive I am familiar enough with Indy laws to give an honest opinion on how something COULD turn out. I never stated that any of what I experienced was a given for Kearsten. In fact, I believe I pionted out SEVERAL times that based on her state laws, things could be drastically different. All I tried to do was give her a veiw point of possibilities based on my own experiences. I wasn't aware that to try to be helpful I had to have a law degree.

No you do not have to have a law degree to be helpful, but your answers DO have to conform to the general law. Your answers indicated there were probabilities for the OP that are generally not probable. Thereby giving false hope and, ergo, not helpful.

Quote:

Originally Posted by trinityd

So, no, while not a lawyer, or even an expert, I do belive I am familiar enough with Indy laws to give an honest opinion on how something COULD turn out. I never stated that any of what I experienced was a given for Kearsten. In fact, I believe I pionted out SEVERAL times that based on her state laws, things could be drastically different. All I tried to do was give her a veiw point of possibilities based on my own experiences. I wasn't aware that to try to be helpful I had to have a law degree.

You've got to love the long, rambling explanation which underlines everything that has been said but was posted for the opposite effect - and then turns passive/aggressive.

Is the moon full?