I dated my fiancé for several months before we became engaged. We are getting married in the end of May and there is one very suspicious thing she refuses to fess up to. Before we even dated she had a sexual encounter with one of her friends and her friends boyfriend. While we were dating, I was working a lot and gave her a little bit of attitude. She made it way bigger than it was and blew me off the whole day to go out with this friend of hers and her friends boyfriend to go to a strip club. Just before that she admitted that her and her friend (on their previous encounter) kissed each other and kissed each other's breast, but insisted the boyfriend was asleep while this happened. After we got back together a few months later I asked her about the encounter she had before we dated again, the story changed a little and then the boyfriend might have been awake. She stuck with that story for a while till I recently she admitted that the boyfriend was awake, but according to my fiancé, the boyfriend asked his girlfriend to get my now fiancé to have sex with them. I became consumed with this and it is tearing me apart. I have had extreme fights with my fiancé and she insists that the recent story I was told by her is the final one and that its all she remembers. She has told me things that she has done that were much worse and I am a very understanding man and have not judged her. Every time I've asked she tells me to "get over it" and that the recent story she gave me is all there is and blows me off. I have told her it means a lot to me and I want to believe her, but by her trying to act like it never happened, her suspicious behavior about the occurrence and her story changes I now just can't believe that's all there is and have a very strong feelings something more happened. Is there anyway for me to find out? If there is, how can I? I am willing to do anything to find out so any help would be really appreciated. I'll still marry her because it was before we met, but I need to solve my suspicions. Thanks

Because of your intense need to get to the truth, you are making it unsafe for her to tell you the truth. She's afraid that you will go off into a rampage. If you intend to live in peace with this woman, back off.

Whatever happened, if it happened before you met, it belongs to her life and not to your current or future relationship. As long as she is faithful to you, and as long as she loves you, be grateful. If you give her that respect, she will respect you for it. In marriage, trusting builds respect and respecting builds trustworthiness. Maybe in 30 years she will tell you. Maybe it won't matter at all.

Consider the possibility that it is your insecurity that drives you to be consumed by this event in her life and pulling out the truth about it. Instead of working on her, if you work on yourself and find the maturity to let her have her world before you, you will grow as a man and you will gain stature in her eyes. She'll adore you for it. Let this go.

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Originally Posted by taoplr

Because of your intense need to get to the truth, you are making it unsafe for her to tell you the truth. She's afraid that you will go off into a rampage. If you intend to live in peace with this woman, back off.

Whatever happened, if it happened before you met, it belongs to her life and not to your current or future relationship. As long as she is faithful to you, and as long as she loves you, be grateful. If you give her that respect, she will respect you for it. In marriage, trusting builds respect and respecting builds trustworthiness. Maybe in 30 years she will tell you. Maybe it won't matter at all.

Consider the possibility that it is your insecurity that drives you to be consumed by this event in her life and pulling out the truth about it. Instead of working on her, if you work on yourself and find the maturity to let her have her world before you, you will grow as a man and you will gain stature in her eyes. She'll adore you for it. Let this go.

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I thank you and appreciate your response. I do understand the past is in the past and I do want her to have her life. I think it's because she put her self in the same situation again while being with me and building our life together that it made me more concerned about what previously happened. I asked myself if this has happened once and then put yourself in the same situation while we were starting our life together, then what was so great about not liking it the first time that it should be done to me. The man she wants to marry. I thank you for your advice.

Your concern is valid, in my opinion, and you should express it to her. But not with anger, or the kind of intensity (attitude) that you write about. Let it be a gentle expression of concern, a worry, a vulnerability.

Your process could be a nightmare or the catalyst of a much deeper, more intimate relationship. Give her room to grow with this and you make the deepening more probable. Squeeze her, and you shut her down.

By being vulnerable and honest, you can leave an opening for her to discover something more noble in herself, either by telling you the whole story, or by seriously examining her own judgment and deciding to exercise better judgment in the future, or by coming to an understanding with you that she is entering another phase in her life by marrying you, and that fidelity is central to that phase. Or, all of that.

You have a great opportunity on your hands.

Love and marriage are the biggest leaps of faith there are.

There are never any guarantees and the package comes *as is*.
Faith means you trust without proof.

You have to ask yourself if this incident is a deal breaker in your relationship? It it worth sacrificing the relationship over?

Because ,emotionally ,you are giving this incident priority in what I assume is an otherwise good relationship.

Have you laid ALL your cards on the table ,concerning YOUR past?

It's past and you need to decide if you are going to allow the past to stop you from having a future.

It seems to me that she's given you far more than she had to, and she has been honest and apparently has told you of far worse things as you said, that she's done.

I didn't read in your original post that she did the threesome while you were even dating, did I get that wrong?

To get so focused and angry in my opinion, is not about what she's done. It may be the catalyst for you being so judgmental and critical, but there must be more to this.

99% of anger, generates from fear. Are you afraid that she will do this again, or are you fearful that you won't be able to totally trust her once you are married. Are you afraid that others will judge her if they find out (ie your parents, friends), or that her behaviour reflects badly on you and that makes you angry?

I would think it actually takes a very secure couple to invite a third, so I doubt that she's interested in a long term relationship with either of the other two.

Something is driving this fear, what makes you insecure about yourself. I really don't think this has anything to do with what she's done.

Hi Curious Jorge,
I have to disagree with everyone here, wholeheartedly. You are saying that you had a fight with your fiancé, and she retaliated by having a sexual encounter with another woman and that woman's boyfriend, correct? And that she has given you several different versions of what happened that night, ranging from kissing the other girl's breast, to having the other guy involved in some way.
Each version of this story seems to increase the other guy's involvement more and more, to the point where you are wondering if she actually cheated on you with this other guy, but is not telling you.
If I have it right, then this is not a matter of letting bygones be bygones, it is a matter of whether you can expect your wife-to-be to use every argument as an excuse to go out and sleep with other guys or gals she is attracted to.
To me, trust is one of the most important elements of a marriage. If you can't trust that she is true to you even in the tough times, I don't think you should be marrying her.
I think it is essential that you get to the bottom of this. I think a relationship or marriage counselor might be a good place to start, if you think this relationship is worth saving.
I have to wonder why does this woman even want to get married if she still wants to screw around with these other folks?

Hi Buddyman. Thanks for the input. I do have to clarify a little though. There were two separate encounters with this couple. There was one before we met and began a relationship, which is the story that keeps changing. Then there was another while we had a rocky point in our relationship and she claims nothing at all happened then. I've been concerning myself with the one before we met only because it helps me figure out a little more why she hung out with them again while we were together. This friend of hers was actually a part of the wedding till I received the recent version that told me the friends boyfriend was awake and saw parts of my fiancé. I told her how uncomfortable it made me with him being at our wedding so she eliminated both of them. I appreciated that and she thinks that because she took such action that I should forget it now. I would love to, but it has been very hard. She insists on acting like it never happened and tells me she just wants to get over he friendship with this girl. When I ask her to just give me a run down from start to finish, she just tells me she already did and tells me to get over it. Partly I agree. I never get angry with her when I ask and just feel she should accept that it happened, tell me the WHOLE truth so we can move on. No matter what, she knows I will be with her and love her regardless what she tells me. Like I said, she has told me much worse things that I have not judged her for and still stay with her. Thanks buddyman for your point of view.

I can see where having the other couple at the wedding would be really, really awkward! There is a history (albeit short) there, and one that bothers you. I think she did the right thing to eliminate her (and thus him) from the wedding.

Didn't realize either that the 'other girl' in the sexual encounter was close enough to your fiancé, to be in the wedding party.

That would make the problem seem ongoing. They share something together, that is uncomfortable to you, and with good reason as far as the wedding is concerned.

That first encounter was before you decided on a serious relationship. The second encounter happened during a rocky part in your relationship. Had you split up and got back together afterward?

After both encounters comes the commitment to marry, and those parts of her history bother you. You have had 'extreme arguments' over this, as you said.

I don't know what else you can do other than to trust her 100%, and put the past in the past where it belongs, or continue to feel that the trust just isn't there.

If it isn't, and you are carrying this into a new marriage, it isn't going to go away. Your post is titled, 'Engaged and my fiancé is very suspicious!', and that says a lot about your lack of trust. That is the issue in my opinion.

If you are not 100% committed, don't marry her and ruin two lives down the road. If you cannot trust her even when (and if) she's telling the truth, you'll begin to doubt everything she says. That is not fair to her.

It might be a good idea to put the wedding on hold if you can, and get into some couples counselling before making a commitment of marriage. If you can't get past this honestly, and have no doubt in your mind that you can trust her and start on the right foot, then you might have to consider cancelling the wedding.

You know I can see this from both sides,hers and yours.

Yours: you don't know if she is telling the truth,your jealous,suspicious and like a dog with a bone not going to let this go,until you get to the bottom of it.. but your still going ahead with the wedding,you still love her but not really trust her.

Hers: the first time happened before you met.she told you what happened,granted the details are little hazy but you have the general jist of it... and day after day after day,you want more details,and she knows you don't trust her and she knows your suspicious and she knows even IF she's goes ahead with the wedding for the rest of her bloody married life she is going to keep having to tell the dam story until ,if ever ,you accept it happened before you met and really she's probably sorry she ever said a thing about it.

You love each other and forgive,put a line underneath it and stop killing the love you have for each other, or,ask yourselves is this relationship worth the hassel?

I understand this a little better now, but I still feel this is a problem for Jorge, for a few reasons.

The sexual encounter happened before the current relationship, but the fiancé continues to be friends with this other couple, and when she had a fight with Jorge, she didn't get sexual with this couple, but she went out to a strip club with them.

I think Jorge's instincts are completely correct. He isn't hounding her about her entire sexual past. That would be creepy. He just can't let this one relationship go, and it is because the fiancé continues to have a somewhat ambiguous relationship with this couple (strip clubs after a fight), and further, has been unwilling to be transparent about her past with these two, which makes me wonder how transparent she is being about the current state of the relationship.

So the guy in this other couple, the one who watched the fiancé have sex with his girlfriend, is dragging the girls to a strip club just as soon as he hears that she fought with her betrothed.

Am I the only one who has figured out that he was hoping he would get to 'sleep' through another lesbo love scene?

And by 'sleep,' of course I mean partake fully in the bounty before him? Just like he did last time? I mean, is there anyone in the entire world who believes for even a second that this guy slept through a lesbian encounter occurring right next to him, between his girlfriend and another probably good-looking woman? Oh, yes, and he woke up for a second, saw what was happening, rolled over and went back to sleep?

Exactly how many months did you date, before you set a date? How did you meet?