Ask Me Help Desk - Was unfaithful a long time ago.

Hi there...

This is really a long story but I hope you guys will read it and help me out of this depression. :( I am 22 years old and married for almost two years now and I live in a country where sex before marriage is still considered a taboo. Back when I was eleven years old and in sixth grade I had a crush on this guy, let's name him Prince. He was in the same grade I am but a few years older and he was also the most handsome boy in school and I well, lets say I was a "specky, scrawny tomboyl", so I knew he would never reciprocate, and so I became his best friend. Years passed, we were still friends, he had a gorgeous girl friend and even I had other crushes. The girls at school were so jealous that they never spoke to me only for the reason that he spent all his time with me. We went out together as a group, studied together and did all the fun things but never once did I tell him that I liked him. Our 12th exams finished and I cried on his shoulders knowing that I would miss him very much.

He got selected in a prestigious all men college, while I got selected in the best all women college. We always kept in touch, spoke everyday to each other but never met. He was single now while I fell seriuosly in love with, lets name him mr.z. Mr.z and I were so steady that we even told our parents. And we also made love, it was incredible. And mr.z knew that Prince was still my best friend. One day I was at home and Prince called me up and told me that he was bringing the engagement snaps of his brother whom I knew well. Now let me make it clear, that we were seeing each other after two and a half years. That is a long time to change, I had grown my hair long, some how had become five shades fairer, courtesy to my mom's home made facials and had filled out very nicely. He was absoulutely stunned to see me. Told me that I had become very beautiful, he looked terribly handsome and had also become a part time model. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex in the couch, it was horrible, he was a virgin and it all happened so quickly and after that I felt so ashamed of myself. A friendship of ten years spoiled in a few minutes. That was the last time I saw him. That night I felt very guilty and told everything to mr.z. he forgave me and we are happily married now. But the thing is my husband doesn't trust me, he is over protective and doesn't want me to go to work fearing that I would make the same mistake again.

How should I explain to my hubby, that I love him and I would never do anything like that again. I'm getting so bored sitting at home every day. My brother is still friends with Prince, who is also married and has a baby girl now. It's four years since this happened and my husband thinks that I still think about Prince but the thing is whenever I do think about him, I mourn for our lost friendship that is all. I love my husband very much but I do not want to be a home maker forever. Please tell me how I should convince him to let me go get a job. And honestly I have never even looked at any man in a lustful way. Please help

This is a hard one, we really do need to know where you are so as to keep from steping any boundaries. I'd rather not give you advice that may lead to your being harmed in any way.

Unfortunately, for the convincing him thing... Well, "In the real world talk is cheep, actions speak louder than words."- Snoop Dogg. I'm not sure how you'd do that, other then trying to reason with him that you will not do it again, but it's like some people say, "Once a cheater always acheater."-Unknown. No I'm not calling you a cheater, that's just the mind set others tend to have.

MAybe couples counseling? Other wise talk it out as best you can till he understands that if he doesn't give you some freedom, he won't have a wife to love. I don't know where you live so do be careful with that.

Maybe we can help you articulate your words better for your husband. Try writing to us what you'd say to him, and I'll at least try to help you arrange the words for the most effect, and try to point out any thing that may help you explain or verify to him your devotion.

One question, Do you love, respect, know yourself? Would you forgive him had he cheated on you?

Peace and kindness be with you.

I think your letting your own guilt, and hurt allow you to be treated unfairly by your husband. Hey you have been honest, and truthful, while he lets his fear interfere with his thinking.

Stop being ruled by his fear, and stand up for yourself. True he has said the words of forgiveness, but hasn't done the actions, or the work, to truly forgive.

That's his problem, and you really need to express it to him, so he can stop making you pay for a mistake in the past.

Don't allow him to wallow in his own shat, and take you with him. But be understanding, and compassionate, as you explain your own needs to be yourself, and move beyond this.

Yes, Talaniman's advice seems reasonable. The choice is still yours.

Remember what I quoted also applies to your husband. "All are one and one is all." Led-Zeppelin

Peace and kindness be with you.

This is why sex before marriage is taboo, and should me everywhere. I need to make it clear that that kind of mistake is very very difficult to undo. The only way you can have him trust you is to tell him these words "I love you unconditionally and I would never hurt you. If you love me half as much as I you then you must trust me." You could change the words according to how you talk to him, but those points must be made. Trust is one of the most important things in any relationship, without it your relationship will fail.
Good luck sweetheart.

-Mouse

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nestorian

This is a hard one, we really do need to know where you are so as to keep from steping any boundaries. I'd rather not give you advice that may lead to your being harmed in any way.

Unfortunatly, for the convincing him thing... Well, "In the real world talk is cheep, actions speak louder than words."- Snoop Dogg. I'm not sure how you'd do that, other then trying to reason with him that you will not do it again, but it's like some people say, "Once a cheater always acheater."-Unknown. No i'm not calling you a cheater, thats just the mind set others tend to have.

MAybe couples counseling? other wise talk it out as best you can till he understands that if he doesn't give you some freedom, he wont have a wife to love. I don't know where you live so do be careful with that.

Maybe we can help you articulate your words better for your husband. Try writing to us what you'd say to him, and I'll at least try to help you arrange the words for the most effect, and try to point out any thing that may help you explain or verify to him your devotion.

One question, Do you love, respect, know yourself? Would you forgive him had he cheated on you?

Peace and kindness be with you.

Thank You so much for your help, :) firstly yes I would have forgiven him if he had cheated on me. And I live in South India, where divorce is quite rare and I do not want to live apart from my husband. I love him and may be we will try couple counseling. Thanks again.

Def true. That kind of baggage, having sex before marrige, esp if the other member is a virgin can DEF make things more complicated...