I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have 3 beautiful kids together. About 4 years ago, I caught him cheating... eventhough he denies anything physical with that person there were emails and late calls and getting late off work. We split for about 3 months and throughout those months he promised me a better life together a "new beginning" he said things were going to change and that he would do me no more harm. We also had some problems due to pornography. Well about a week ago I logged into one of his email accounts he has 2 one that he had before he met me. Well I logged into that one and found that he has online dating memberships and another for sexual encounters. I'm so confused and hurt because he says he had no intention on cheating, and that he didn't do anything. Yet I ask him why would he even open memberships and he only says it was because he didn't know what they were exactly. Well he has cried to me telling me to forgive him and that it won't happen again but if I want to leave then he's not going to stop me. I want to believe him, but I am really scared to live with these doubts. I don't know if he's being honest or if he'll do it again. I've heard that Once a cheate always a cheater. And I don't want that kind of life for me. How do I make sure he's going to change? How do I believe him? Or do I just plain get my things and my children and leave? I really need advice I feel so alone and swimming in doubts. How can I get him to tell me the truth... if he's lying?

Obscured indeed.

It apears that there are many options. A lot of people may tell you, LEAVE HIM!! but that is your choice. Listen to your own reasoning.
"Believe nothing no matter where you read it, no matter who said it, no matter if I said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense." - Buddha

Question: Do you love, respect, and know yourself?

"You yourself, as much as any one in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."- Buddha

"There is no fire like greed, no crime like hatred, no sorrow like separation, no sickness like hunger of heart, and no joy like the joy of freedom."-Buddha

"There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt, doubt separates people, it is a poison that disintegrates friendships, and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts, it is a sword that kills."-buddha

"All conditioned things in the world are changeable. They are not lasting. Try to accomplish your own salvation with diligence."-Buddha
Yes, he could change, if he so wished. According to the self help book, "The brain that changes it'sself." The Prono addict can cahnge but it requires a lot of time and energy. The same goes for the cheater. It maybe best for you to leave him, not forever but just till he is "better" and no longer cheating. He will need conseling, and a lot of other help. If he wants to be with you, he will change, if not then you may just move on and he will be left to live with his choice.

"Do not believe in anything simply because you heard it, do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many, do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books, do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders, do not believe in traditions because they have bin handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."-Buddha
I know a lot of buddha, but he seems to have very wise words, like Yoda. No matter what you decide, it maybe wisest to do it for you, and not because it's socially acceptable, or some one tells you you should, nor because you are advised to by some one with social standing. It's your path to travel, and only you can choose the paths that lead you.

As I was saying, you may consider telling him to clean up his act and you will get back together, or you will move on. Understand it is highly imporbable that he will change over night, but even if he does you may find it wiser to wait and let him prove his changes by getting counseling, theropy, and getting rid of his name on those sites. "only time will tell."-Unkown. Let time decide whether you two should be together. If he keeps up his behaviour, stay away and keep working on yourself. If he stays away from all that for 6 months at the very least may be advisable, but maybe a year. That is for you to decide.
"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.
Respect yourself and others will respect you."
Confucius
So, then you grow, he grows, and that's not to say you can't go for coffee, but at least for the first three or more months, Phone, internet, or no contact. If he wants to see the kids... YOu will have to decide, maybe as a family member to help and take them to see him, so you can stay away. Hard, but it may be very helpful.

"If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts, but if he will content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties." ~Francis Bacon

"How do I make sure he's gonna change?"-You To be sure of change, give it time. For "only time will tell."
"How do I believe him?"-you Know yourself, then you may be able to believe him.
"Or do I just plain get my things and my children and leave?"-you Some times the hardes thing to do, is the right thing to do; however, it is only one of many possibilities.
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”-Helen Keller quotes

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”-Yoda If you are afraid your actions maybe twisted and cause harm rather than good. Be mindful of yourself so as to keep you from making hasty and painful desitions. Also, if you keep living the way you are, you run the risk of going through Yoda's words. You may even resent others if you choose to stay for them...
I hope that helps.
May peace and kindness bewith you.

You will have to decide how many chances are you willing to give for things to truly change. Some people say one time only... others will try several times.

If he wants things to improve, he will have to be willing to be totally honest and open with you and with what he does. It is quite possible he has a problem with pornography... that should be discussed. It could be just the thrill of the chase he derives from these sites, which to many would be a problem in itself... but given his past, it is like playing with fire. You both will have to take a good look at your relationship and talk about your needs and wants... as well as what are acceptable and unacceptable boundries of behaviour for both of you.

Are you on the same page or have things changed over the years? Sometimes one partner goes along thinking things are just fine while the other quietly feels their needs are not being met. Instead of speaking up, the needs may get met elsewhere.

Counseling may be an option to consider if you both find it difficult to discuss on your own.

The wondering and not knowing for sure are horrible to live with... discover how much effort you both want to put into it to make your marriage better. It can be done if both are willing to go all out for it, but if there ever comes a time where you decide that you just can't rebuild the trust enough, you may have some tough choices to make.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this experience... I wish you well.

The account that you logged into was the one he had before he met you. That is where you found current online dating and sexual encounter sites. So, this is not like a one shot deal, he's been dishonest and cheating for at least 7 years.

Plus the one affair that you know of. Plus the porn.

I would be asking myself how many lies I can deal with, not if there are any lies. It's pretty obvious he has had extra curricular activities going on for at least as long as you've known him, and probably before that.

You are dealing with a person who lives a parallel life. For whatever reasons, the affair, the porn, the online dating, the sexual encounter sites have been an ongoing issue for a very long time, and his social and sexual needs are being met in what he has found for himself, by himself. He found these sites by accident? Sure he did...

I would doubt his sincerity, his honesty, his integrity, and his commitment to his marriage. It isn't enough he says he's going to stop. He hasn't. Had you known of his interests prior to marriage, would you have married him?

Well, the interests are the same now as they were then. That he has deceived you all these years, is a very, very serious problem that needs immediate intervention of some type, through counselling.

If the marriage is worth saving, he should be doing less crying, and step up like a man, do the right thing, and get help.

Can you trust him? I don't think so because he abuse your trust time after time. Of course he is going cry when he being confronted with the truth. That's is his first reaction then he starts saying "he is going change or it would happen again" but he does it until he gets caught again.

This seems to be his behavior but he doesn't realize or maybe care about the pain it is causing you and the load you have to carry from his lies.

This isn't a marriage or a healthy one at that. If you continue to stay with him without him changing his ways it is going cost you in the end. You must get depression from this or start second guessing yourself which can lead to low self-esteem.

Marriage counseling and counseling for yourself might help but sometimes a leopard doesn't change it spots and in the end you have to do what is the best interest for yourself and kids.

TOTAL DISCLOSURE. If he wants you to trust him, he has to be an open book with you. And, he will do it happily if he really wants to make things work with you. He has to be accountable for every action, be willing to show every email, or snail mail, and not pull "an attitude" when you question him. Privacy is the price he has to pay to earn your trust again. When this has gone on for quite some time, you will know when he has proven himself and you have to let it go. You can't throw it in his face whenever you have an argument about something either.

The saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater" is NOT always true. I know. I cheated years ago. I ask for forgiveness and was willing to do whatever it took to gain my husbands trust and respect back. I have never , nor will I ever cheat again. It was a huge mistake where I let my ego get in the way of my good sense.

I'm not saying my story is everyone's story . But when you hear, "once a cheater always a cheater" remember that is not always true.
I remember I said to my husband. "You don't have to believe what I say because I know you don't trust me. What I said was, "watch me". My actions spoke for me and showed him that I had learned from my mistake and could be totally trusted.