Ask Me Help Desk - Recent break up with my Girlfriend (sorry long story)

Hello,
I am new to this site, so this question may be long because I am confused and hurt.
My GF and I have been dating for over 1.5 years. She and I both were in long term relationships, me 5 years and her 9 and married for 4. The guy was abusive, controlling and just a jerk, and she had been unhappy since the birth of there child. On his 1st B-day I think she decided she had it, any time she would speak her mind he would threaten divorce.
Well her and I started seeing each other. At first it was a rebound for me because I had been real unhappy for a while with my GF. I am sure it was probably a rebound for her too, I don't know. She fell real reasl hard for me. Again she had a 1 year old and was separated from her ex for only a month at this point. OUr relationship ended up being filled with great conversation, sex, and companionship. This carried on for a while. We talked about how tough it would be to be with each other but was it worth it. Well we took a few days and both acame back and were like YES!. She was all over me, and wouldn't let me go!. I even felt smothered at times, but we talked and talked and we talked and were best friends. I really never felt this conncetion, and the same for her. I mean we could talk about anything and everything. After about 6 months she called me her soul mate... I felt the same, again this was mostly her coming on to me, I felt the same, but I did feel it was a bit much, and I was cautious in case I got hurt. Well 10 months goes by and she starts introducing me to her family and friends more. She was so happy when I meet them because her ex was a jerk to them all. She would send me emails stating she was proud and happy that I meet her family. Well I started getting closer to her son, and I started giving her more of my heart. I honestly fel that at 28 yrs old that she was perfect. She was the same age, she had some baggage, but she was like a best friend and she always wanted me around, and we both admitted the sex was amazing and plentiful. We went on vacation to her sisters destination wedding after a year of being together, and we had a good time. Right after the vacation things for the divorce started to take a crappy turn for her. Her ex was forcing her to declare bankruptcy even after he signed an agreement to pay all debts, he was jerking around with the alimony payments, her was supposed to keep the house that was in her name, but he told her that he wanted her to foreclose on it, and he moved in with a girl who had a child. At this point my GF's kid was over 2 yrs old, and she was nervous that this was going to confuse him. Well she spends all her money and energy on lawyers and trying to prevent this guy (who is a terrible parent) from taking her kid, because he didn't want to pay child support, and he wanted to hurt her, because he didn't like me. I have been in all the court paperwork for the past over 6 months and she has spent countless times defending me because he makes up lies about me, Him and I know the same people... Well when this started getting rough, I put my good guy cap on and I started to keep her afloat. She has family and a few friends, but I was there every day for her to talk to, to take her mind off it, to help her with groceries, I lent her money (she never asked me for anything) and I just continued to be there for her. Her family would thank me as would she and they all said I was her angel and keeping her head abvove water. She started getting more involved with my family, and we started to really mesh our lives together. She would lash out on me when things got tough, but would appologize, and NEVER ever want to break up. Our connection was not always there the past few months because things were so crappy for her all the time that all we talked about was her divorce. She was upset and this divorce and now custody battle was consumed her life. I would get the real her a few times a month, and I stuck it out because she would ALWAYS tell me she loved me, and when I got her and we connected it was great as usual. I know this was not the ideal situation and any other man would have given up and walked away, but we talked about how tough it would get and she would always say things like "please dont give up on me" or "I dont know what I would do without you". I wanted to fight this fight with her. Well She would call me EVERY morning, tet during the day, and call me right after work. This VAlentines day we had a good one at my house, we really connected, she gave me a card that said things like I was her true love and somehting to look forward to, etc. I know I rarely got that part of her, but when I did it was awesome. Again me her son and I were real close at this point. She called us a little family and we would do things like a family, and would be happy.

She found out the ex got his new GF pregnant and flipped out, he got her pregnant and that is why he moved out of the house in with her, and made her declare bankruptcy etc. On top of that the fact that he barely takes care of hos responsibilities with his current son, and now he will be less in his kids life. So she was upset and ran away to her sisters for the weekend. She wouldn't even talk to me... She said she needed space, this was unlike her because she would always confide in me and talk things out no matter how upsetting. Well I didn't give her space that weekend. I bugged her, and I realize my faults. She got upset with me and when she came back I kept calling her, and she got upset, and broke up with me. I was heart broken. I have never did that ever in our relationship, and she felt smootheres and controlled llike her ex used to do. Well the past 5 weeks I have let her contact me, but I would do things like drop off gifts or gift cards to help her out, or flowers, etc. The harder I pushed the more she pushed me away with hurtful things like : I just don't seee a future with us right now" She admitted that she was confused and didn't know what she wanted, but she would contact me every day. She said she wanted to only be friends right now that she couldn't deal with drama or stress of us right now?
Our conversations would be her getting mad because she didn't want to have a relatioship talk, and she would threaten to separate all of our stuff and to never talk to me again, I would beg no and a day or two later she would contact me to say hi or to ask my opinion, but not separate her stuff. She would bring her son over to visit a few times.

The last time we got into it was Monday because I dropped off a gift card. She said thank you but I had to stop because I was confusing the both of us, and she kept pushing me and pushing me away. I see what I was doing, I wasn't giving her space, even though I didn't contact her doing noce thngs was hurting as well. Well she kept saying crappy things ot me, and things that I have never heard her say, hurtful things. This seemed like this wasn't her talking, it was weird, she wasn't even convincing when she would say all the crappy stuff to me. Like she was hurting me to push me away, or like her ex used to do to her? Her family told me it was because I was the closest person in her life and the safest person that she was lashing out. I am super confused after all I was doing was helping and constantly doing for her. Well I called her up Monday night and asked to pick up all my stuff and I would drop her stuff off. She called me later that night and said why couldn't we be friends or whatever, and that she was sad for the both of us, and disapointed and why did it get to this. I said she has been treating me with disrespect for the past few weeks, and she wanted to be my friend, but I was her door mat. Well I got my stuff the next night and I don't think she was ready to give it up. She was upset and we shared a tight hug. I stated that I wouldn't contact her at all ( we have not gone more than 2 days with no contact in 20 months) I said if she felt in her heart that she loved me to call me, I said that I loved her, but needed space like she asked and needed to get her stuff straight. She was teary when I left and hugged me tight and I left. Her sister texted me that she said she was sad and sorry for hurting me. Her sister explained that me giving her space and having no contact would fix this.

I fell in lover with her and her son. I realize that things have not been perfect but I was great to them both and was always there to share times with her. She never wanted to ever break up with me. She always wanted ME around. We talked so much and she was getting real close with my mom (she was even over her house a few times the past couple weeks). I believe that she loved me and was in love with me mainly because she told her family and friends that and they would all tell me how lucky she was to have me. I feel hurt. I do realize that she is going through scary emotions and fear of losing her son, and the divorce about to be over, and the complete hatred of the ex.

Will space fix this? Every one seems to think she will realize what she had with a few weeks of no contact. Its not like we had a crap relationship and things were bad they were just crazy because her divorce is coming to an end in another month after being dragged out because of the ex. Also She is scared of losing her son for some reason. She is a squeaky clean good mother and does the right thing always, so I don't understand.

What do you all think... is this over or will some space and me not being there fix this. I have so much going for me, I own a house, a couple cars, I make good money, etc. I feel; like I am a good person, she is just pushing me away because I am the only thing in her life she can control. She has 2 cell phones, one under my account, and it is funny she gave me the gift cards back but not the cell phone, like that was the last attachment to me that she didn't want to give up... She didn't even offer to give it back, she doesn't need it... so I am not sure here...

You sound like a great guy those are hard to find. I think you have done the right things here. Everything you have done is right in my opinion. She sound like she does love you, but is extremely confused on what she wants. You hang in there. Time will fix this one way or another. Stick to your guns NO contact ! If she calls you keep it short and sweet. Life has a way of making things right for good people.

Hey man, I'd say you made almost all the rights moves. I don't think I need to focus on the good stuff, cause you already know. I'll help you point out the bad stuff so that you know what you have to work on.

That weekend when she went to her sister's place, you should have trusted her and gave her space. It sounds like you are really insecure about this relationship. You seem very sticky. You said it yourself, her ex husband was very abusive and controlling. At some points, you started to seem controlling.

You kept pressuring her to work things out together when she asked for space. You got to respect her wishes.

As for no contact. I think BOTH of you need it. You two seemed to have a really strong relationship. Why did you doubt it? Why did you put so much pressure on her?

She even seemed more confident than you in the relationship. It seemed pretty clear that she had no problems with you. You were her bright spot. She had her own personal issues. Sometimes, you got to let her solve her own problems.

So, give her space. If it was meant to be, you will find each other again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

Hey man, I'd say you made almost all the rights moves. I don't think I need to focus on the good stuff, cause you already know. I'll help you point out the bad stuff so that you know what you have to work on.

That weekend when she went to her sister's place, you should have trusted her and gave her space. It sounds like you are really insecure about this relationship. You seem very sticky. You said it yourself, her ex husband was very abusive and controlling. At some points, you started to seem controlling.

You kept pressuring her to work things out together when she asked for space. You gotta respect her wishes.

As for no contact. I think BOTH of you need it. You two seemed to have a really strong relationship. Why did you doubt it? Why did you put so much pressure on her?

She even seemed more confident than you in the relationship. It seemed pretty clear that she had no problems with you. You were her bright spot. She had her own personal issues. Sometimes, you gotta let her solve her own problems.

So, give her space. If it was meant to be, you will find each other again.

Thank you I appreciate it... 2 things.. I am taking this time to work on myslef and my isues. I have never been insucure, however I did become that way that weekend, and since then, so that has to be fixed, and #2... do you believe this was a rebound? And if It was it can still work right? I don't believe that all rebounds cannot work, and that it would not have lasted this long? I don't know... Thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by Niceguy2009

Thank you I appreciate it... 2 things.. I am taking this time to work on myslef and my isues. I have never been insucure, however I did become that way that weekend, and since then, so that has to be fixed, and #2... do you beleive this was a rebound? and if It was it can still work right?? I dont beleive that all rebounds cannot work, and that it would not have lasted this long?? I dunno... Thanks

I didn't want to bring this part up, but since you asked. You guys were definitely both on rebounds. From what you told us, both of you had horrible relationships. Then you found each other... and your relationship was probably 10 times better than what it should have been.

I think that both of you were extra excited to have found each other and finally getting out of a bad situation. Imagine if you guys didn't have such a bad exes and you found each other with all that baggage. I think your relationship might not have been very different.

Either way, it's been a year and a half now, so the honeymoon period (rebound stuff) is definitely over. Now the real stuff is out. We'll see how you guys handle the serious stuff now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

I didn't want to bring this part up, but since you asked. You guys were definitely both on rebounds. From what you told us, both of you had horrible relationships. Then you found each other... and your relationship was probably 10 times better than what it should have been.

I think that both of you were extra excited to have found each other and finally getting out of a bad situation. Imagine if you guys didn't have such a bad exes and you found each other with all that baggage. I think your relationship might not have been very different.

Either way, it's been a year and a half now, so the honeymoon period (rebound stuff) is definitely over. Now the real stuff is out. We'll see how you guys handle the serious stuff now.

SO what you are saying that it is not impossible to make things work?
I am in it for the long haul, and I have no doubt that she was my rebound but she grew into more than that. I guess she has to live life without me for a few weeks and see if she can do it? I mean I was literally her and her sons life...
It is weird for me that she goes from being with and aorund me every day to nothing... she would call text aim all day every day... she was sad to see me go the other night...

Her family told me that I was the closest safest place for her and that is why she lashed out and to give her time to miss me and heal from what the ex is putting her through... I have never heard her talk to me the way she did and I didn't do anything to warrant it... yet she is having a tough time letting completely go of me, like she held onto the cell phone from my account, when she has another one? Like she has to have some attachment to me, and then Monday, the night before I picked up my stuff when she said the bad things she said "why dont you go date that girl from your facebook page!!"... Um jealousy? Thanks for your help here...

Hey man, I'm going to have to bring out the harsh stuff to help you out.

You need to stop analyzing all these details. Just spend the time focusing on yourself. If you are in it for the long haul, then trust her. Give her some time to cool off. Give her time to reflect on her life. If she wants to get back with you, she will let you know.

She's probably just testing you with the Facebook stuff. Remember, she has a child and she does not want a man who will run off with another woman so easily. She is very vulnerable.

Here's my suggestion. Remind her one more time that you love her and you want to be with her for the long haul. Also let her know that you respect her decision for wanting time and space, but that you will wait for her. If she loves you back, she will want you to wait for her. Otherwise, she will tell you to move on.

Then seriously begin the no contact (until she's ready to talk to you again). Clear your mind of all these signs. No more analyzing. Just focus on making yourself a better person.

I should also add...

You need to show that you support her, not do everything for her. She needs to boost her self-confidence and self-esteem. Remind her that she's a very capable woman. You're suppose to be her lover, not someone to solve all her problems. If she grows too dependent on you, she won't be an equal in the relationship. You have to let her be her own person. She has to be independent.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

I should also add...

You need to show that you support her, not do everything for her. She needs to boost her self-confidence and self-esteem. Remind her that she's a very capable woman. You're suppose to be her lover, not someone to solve all her problems. If she grows too dependant on you, she won't be an equal in the relationship. You have to let her be her own person. She has to be independant.

Thank you... I agree... she had said 2 things to me that make me believe that... She had said that her ex "rescued" her from her horrible childhood, and now I am rescuing her from her horrible marriage/divorce... she didn't want to feel like she needs me. She has been very dependent on me and I do realize that.
I need to get my own stuff in order you are right. I already started the No contact with her, and it was my idea. We were running in cirlces about the same arguments the past few weeks about how she wasn't sure what she wanted in life, blah blah blah. Plus this custody evaluation has been tough on her, and she has no money for a lawyer ( I was offering her money constantly) and I was dropping off gift cards etc. It was too much I see. We have never gone more than 2 days without contact, so I can only imagine how hard this is going to be on me. I am only hoping that she begins to miss me at some point but I will have to wait it out. It all seemed sudden that she went from 24/7 with me to nothing, but I guess the harder I was pulling her in, the harder she was pushing away and that is why maybe she was saying harsh stuff to me to push me away? I need to stop consuming myself with this stuff, but I think a few more answers and I will be there.. thanks again for you support...

No problem.

Yeah, you were basically putting a lot of pressure on her. She really needs to feel independent. You want her to love you when she is confident about herself. You don't want her to love you because she needs your help.

Be patient. This is a good time for you to work on yourself. After the no contact, both of you will be stronger people and you will have a stronger relationship.

I should also warn you that there is a chance that you might not end up back together. We just have to hope that she loves you for who you are and not because you rescued her. There's nothing you can do about that part except have faith in her. You need to give her time to recover from her vulnerable state so that she can think more objectively.

I know it's going to be painful, waiting and whatnot. You're putting your heart on the line for her. But like I said earlier, you want to be in love with each other in the right state of mind. Or else you're just fooling yourselves.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

No problem.

Yeah, you were basically putting a lot of pressure on her. She really needs to feel independant. You want her to love you when she is confident about herself. You don't want her to love you because she needs your help.

Be patient. This is a good time for you to work on yourself. After the no contact, both of you will be stronger people and you will have a stronger relationship.

I should also warn you that there is a chance that you might not end up back together. We just have to hope that she loves you for who you are and not because you rescued her. There's nothing you can do about that part except have faith in her. You need to give her time to recover from her vulnerable state so that she can think more objectively.

I know it's going to be painful, waiting and whatnot. You're putting your heart on the line for her. But like I said earlier, you want to be in love with each other in the right state of mind. Or else you're just fooling yourselves.

Yes I agree, there is no guarantees... only in the past 5-6 months or so was I doing a lot for her. I was more there for emotional support for her, however when she was broke and needed groceries and what not I chipped in. I probably over did it, but that doesn't ruin it does it? The first year or more she did not depend on me for ANYTHING except to be a friend and a lover, it was only recently because of financial issues. But what was I to do? Let her not eat? I had to do something? Its like damned if you do and damned if you don't... Were her feelings for me real when she called me her soul mate? She would tell me how in love with me she was? She told her family how in love with me she was, and I am not talking the first couple months I am talking after well over a year. So that is why I believed this to be all real. I know as it got tougher with her ex dragging her down she was distant, but we would talk and she appologized and said that is was not me that she loved me sooo much but her mind was on her son right now and getting away from all of this headache...

Hey, it's good that you are venting this all out, if that makes you feel better. But eventually you will need to stop analysing all these in detail. You can't worry about what was done in the past. You need to focus on the present and the future. What's done is done. The past is the past.

It doesn't matter too much what I think, what matters is what she thinks. If you want, make a list of all the things that you think you over did or that you did wrong. And if you end up together again, then bring the list out and talk it over with her.

You don't need to keep guessing and making assumptions. It's just going to drive you crazy. She has the answers, so just wait for the right time and place to get the answers. Patience.

I would be concerned because her husband "rescued" her from a bad childhood; you "rescued" her from a bad marriage. She appears unable to save herself.

In my eyes the harsh truth is (and I'm an investigator with a lot of matrimonial surveillance experience "under my belt") - she cheated on her husband with you. There are serial cheaters and one-time-boy-did-I-learn-a-lesson cheaters. Which category is she?

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I would be concerned because her husband "rescued" her from a bad childhood; you "rescued" her from a bad marriage. She appears unable to save herself.

In my eyes the harsh truth is (and I'm an investigator with a lot of matrimonial surveillance experience "under my belt") - she cheated on her husband with you. There are serial cheaters and one-time-boy-did-I-learn-a-lesson cheaters. Which category is she?

I am pretty sure after this expereince she would never do anything like this again. She is upset that her divorce is so ugly and that she is in a custody evaluation and scared to death, that at times she kicks herself in the and regrets it. I really do not blame her at all, however the choices you make in life she has to live with. She is a wholesom person that is good at heart and I think this guy abused her for so long that she found happiness in me.
Now I am sure we were both rebounds for each other however 20 months together I think formed a strong bond. We were both aware of the concequences of our actions, and promised to make it through together.
I know that she has to heal , I understand, however why would she not want to continue our relationship? She has nothing to loose here? I have everything to loose, and I was real real good to her. I think all of this mess caught up to her. Me reading online about rebound relationships has gotten me scared to think I will never be with her again. I have read succes stories, and I have read horror stories. I feel after reading some of this stuff that our relationship was fake... which hurts because it was like we were almost married?
If you have any advice to offer I would appreciate it... and why does she have a hard time letting me go?
If she is willing to give another shot with us, I think it just has to be taken slow.. we have to hit the breaks until she gets on her own 2 feet without my help. She has been very unsure about our breakup since we broke up... SO I don't know... will space force her to miss me? And why does she still talk to my mom, and why was she bringing her son over to see me..?

She probably talks to your Mom and brings her son over to see you because she doesn't know WHAT she wants at this point. She's been through a bad experience. Maybe some tiny corner of her mind ties you into that whole bad experience, even though you were not part of it. Do you know what I mean?

My opinion? She's just scared. She's got a lot going on. I don't see that she's ever been faking, that your relationship is/was fake. I see her confused and going through a lot, trying to determine what is best for her and the child.

As far as "almost married," I don't think there is such a thing.

You sound like you are clear headed and clear eyed - and you love her. And I'm not sure she doesn't love you.

I think she needs some time and space - she can't sort things out if she's being pressured and maybe she needs to see if she can make it on her own. Or if she wants to make it on her own!

Take a deep breath, don't panic, don't push her, don't smother her. If she's half the person you say she is, if you had half the relationship you say you did - it'll work out.

Sometimes you just have to believe.

I think that she's very confused about what she wants. One thing is clear though, she still wants you part of her life in some capacity. Be it as a friend or as a boyfriend, so that's why she's still bringing her son over. Furthermore, you have to remember, she has to act in the best interest of her son. You are the closest thing to a fatherly figure, so you're a good choice.

However, like you said, you were her rebound. Now that she has time and space, she will figure out whether she sees you as more than a friend. Wouldn't you rather her sort out her feelings first to be sure that she wants to be with you? Instead of feeling unsure and continuing with you? You can't force people to like you.

Same goes for you. She was your rebound. I know that you feel that it's become more than that in 20 months. But I can tell you, 20 months of rebound is not a big deal. Also keep in mind that you went into this relationship knowing that she had a lot of baggage. You have to ask yourself if you're ready to handle all this. Spend some time on yourself to making sure that she's the one you want. She will do the same.