My boyfriend and I dated for 4 years. We have an 18 month old child together. We lived together for 3 years. About the time our child turned one year old, my boyfriend started going out and drinking a lot. I told him to get his priorities straight. Sometimes he didn't even come home. Granted I knew where he was the whole time, I still didn't like it. I felt like a built in babysitter for him. Don't get me wrong, I love our child very much and he means the world to me. But, my boyfriend just did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. If I wanted to go out, I had to find a babysitter, because of course I wanted my boyfriend to go with me. So eventually, I left. A month later he was texting me please come back, I will change, I want you forever, blah blah blah. Now he has stopped, and I realize that I do what him back. I do want to spend my life with him. I want him in our child's life all the time, and not just every other weekend. This past week I started texting him that I what us to be back together, and I was sorry for ever leaving. I asked if he will give me another chance, and he said no. Please help, because I really do want this man back.

Why do you want him back- is it because he's not chasing you anymore? Or do you miss feeling abandoned and alone?

You two can be co-parents without being in a relationship. It doesn't seem to have worked the first time around and he doesn't seem like he really changed. If he'd changed, it would have been more than mere words. Did he stop drinking or is he drinking less? Is he not partying anymore? What's different? Because otherwise you will end up back in the same place that you left.

You say he's not texting you... but is he spending time with his son regularly? What's most important is that you two remain civil enough to be parents to the child.

You asked for another chance and he said NO. It can't be any clearer than this. He's made his decision that he'd rather live his life [without you] and you will have to live yours.

I don't want to give up that easily. Our friends tell me that I still have a chance with him, I just want to know the best way to get him back.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mother of 1

I dont want to give up that easily. Our friends tell me that i still have a chance with him, I just want to know the best way to get him back.

---

Other than your son, what good has he given you?

MRS.S

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mother of 1

I dont want to give up that easily. Our friends tell me that i still have a chance with him, I just want to know the best way to get him back.

---

I'm sorry but I won't tell you what you want to hear because it doesn't seem like the best thing for you or your son. I asked you a number of questions in my first post because I want to know why you want to be back with him. At some point you realized it was a bad situation for you and your son. Now you want to go back? Surely you must have some concrete reasons for wanting to go back to a man that puts drinking and partying before his family...

He is with our son everyother weekend. He is still drinking, not when he is with our child though. Actually right after I left our friends told me that he got so drunk he didn't know his own name. They told me that he was really hurt. He told me when I left that he would change. I just didn't give him a chance. We were together for 4 years, with no break ups at all. I just regret not giving him another chance.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by nikosmom

Why do you want him back- is it because he's not chasing you anymore?

---

It's interesting Niko brought this up. Because it was the first thing that jumped out at me when I read your OP. You had no desire for him, a family unit, or the best interests of you son when he tried to get his act together the first time. He admitted he screwed up. He admitted he needed to change. Now I'm not saying you should have just believed him, but I am saying he was trying, and if you just shut him down right away he's got to what's best for him and remove himself from that situation so he can get his head on straight.

When he was at this lowest he turned to you for help and support and you turned him down. Now that he's built himself back up and you are no longer the person he's chasing it comes off like you want to break him down once again. If you can't be there for him when he tries to better himself after admitting his faults then why should he ever believe you can be there for him at all?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mother of 1

...I just regret not giving him another chance.

---

If he still loved you:
-He would be a changed man [or at least in the process of changing where you'd be able to SEE the difference]
-He wouldn't have said no to you

MRS.S

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mother of 1

He is with our son everyother weekend. He is still drinking, not when he is with our child tho. Actually right after I left our friends told me that he got so drunk he didnt know his own name. They told me that he was really hurt. He told me when I left that he would change. I just didnt give him a chance. We were together for 4 years, with no break ups at all. I just regret not giving him another chance.

---

You did give him a chance; when you left. While you were gone he had a chance to prove himself. He should have done this anyway, regardless of having reconciliation on the horizon, but because of a desire to be a better father. He had a chance to do the right thing while you were together. He's had 4 years. As a relationship gains ground and has more at stake (ie. Children), that's not the time to slack off on what one puts into it.

I'm not trivializing your feelings for him and I'm sure it's difficult that we're not here giving you a magic formula to patch things up. But if you cut a limb off, you can't put a band-aid on it and pretend like everything is OK. You have to address the bigger issue.

You have said that there were times he'd go out and not come home.
He drank to the point of not knowing his name.
He knew you didn't like his behavior but still did those things.
He took you for granted ("felt like a built in babysitter")
And... Drumroll Please...
... He said he doesn't want to be back together.

And I won't even start speculating... OK maybe I will... Maybe he has a new girlfriend, maybe he's enjoying the single life, maybe he likes being able to drink and party without being nagged about it... He's livin' it up while you're miserable.

Gee, he sounds like a real gem.

Quote:

---

So eventually, I left.

---

What steps did you take to work things out?

Quote:

---

A month later he was texting me please come back, I will change, I want you forever, blah blah blah.

---

Why did you not take that opportunity to work things out??

Quote:

---

Now he has stopped, and I realize that I do what him back. I do want to spend my life with him.

---

So ignoring you has changed your mind??

First off, get your friends out of your business. Secondly, sooner or later you two will talk, but until then, deal with things the way they are, and work together for the child you have together.

Let the emotional dust settle, and figure out a better way to communicate, and relate to each other.

As your learning, its not always about what you want, and when you want it. Right or wrong, there is always a better way to do things, but no magic overnight solutions to your problem.

Work together. It may take time. I think you have many issues to deal with.

I know that we have both made mistakes. But is there anyway that I can possibly change this situation around?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mother of 1

But is there anyway that I can possibly change this situation around?

---

Yes. Leave him for good. That'll change the situation.

Sarah

But I still want to be with him. Is there any possibility of that happening, and if so how?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mother of 1

But I still want to be with him. Is there any possiblity of that happening, and if so how?

---

You know what, no matter what anybody says you just want to be with him. You already asked him and he said no.

If you want to go back to him that bad, go beg him to take you back, go live in a miserable relationship to the point you wake up, and when you do we will be here for support.

If you like being unhappy go right ahead. All we ask me helpers do is try to help you.

Sarah

I know that and I greatly appreciate what everyone has said. So thank you.

Mother of 1,
Please take a look at the questions I posted in my first response. Answer them. We want to help you.

I'm not here to convince parents to split up but I want you to see that you haven't failed just because the relationship with your son's father did.

I guess the main thing is that I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid that I won't be able to find anyone that will love me AND my son. I know it probably sounds like non-sense, because there are a lot of fish in the sea.. . Right? But I think that is why I am second guessing myself.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mother of 1

I guess the main thing is that i'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid that I wont be able to find anyone that will love me AND my son. I know it probly sounds like non-sense, because there are a lot of fish in the sea. . . right? But I think that is why i am second guessing myself.

---

No it doesn't sound like nonsense; your feelings are valid and never let anyone tell you otherwise. See, now we get to the root of this...

I've been where you are; I'm a single mother also. I stress to you that it's important to be the best mother you can for your son and that means shielding and protecting him. Just because that's his biological father doesn't mean that you have to stay together. If you stay apart, still keep the lines of communication open so that you both can be the best parents possible.

As far as not finding another man, there are plenty men out there that don't mind a woman with a child. First things first, work on you and building up your self-esteem. At some point you left because you knew you needed to get out. Now the lonelies have set in and you want to go back to an unhealthy situation. That doesn't make sense.

Any break-up is difficult and even more so when children are involved. You just have to remember why you left in the first place. It doesn't seem that anything has changed so why go back? You will find yourself in the same predicament somewhere down the road.

Take care of yourself and your son; the rest will fall into place.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mother of 1

I guess the main thing is that i'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid that I wont be able to find anyone that will love me AND my son. I know it probly sounds like non-sense, because there are a lot of fish in the sea. . . right? But I think that is why i am second guessing myself.

---

If those are your reasons, then no, you should not be together. The fear of being alone is a TERRIBLE basis for a relationship, as is just wanting a father for your son. Ultimately the relationship will fail, and it may be potentially more destructive in the long run.

You left and then after some time he said that he would change and wanted to be with you forever. That was the window of opportunity. At the time, he may, or may not have been serious about changing. There was only one way to find out. It doesn't sound like he has changed. That may be due to loss of motivation after being rejected, or an inability to change. Who knows? Since it sounds like his response to getting back together was a rather emphatic "no", I doubt there is much chance of things working out. He has most likely given up on the idea of changing and you would have to accept him back as is (or as he was), which is not really what you want. If change was possible, that time may have passed. He may just be over you, and that is something that you will have to accept. He may also have not been able to change, in which case, you are better off.

Consider the possibility that it's not about getting him back, no matter what you both feel. Your relationship right now is about the two of you interacting in a way that gives your child responsible, caring parents. That's the part of your relationship that has to work, and that's the part that might bring you together at some point in the future.

If he did the drink-and-avoid thing that you described around your son's 1st year, he just escaped the yoke of responsibility, and he's enjoying it. He's found his inner teenager. Trying to get him back is trying to limit his freedom.

If, on the other hand, he is into caring for the son you have together, not as an obligation, but as an expression of something meaningful to him, that says something else. You might concentrate on that for a while, letting parenting be the context in which you talk with each other, make plans, learn, and share responsibility. If this works, you will both earn each other's respect over time, and that is something you can count on to build a sustaining relationship. If it doesn't work, you won't want to spend more time with him in the long run.

If you stand up on your own two feet and treat him like the father of your son, first and foremost, not your estranged ex, you will give him a chance to choose whether he wants to be a good's dad or not on his own. If you respect his "no" regarding getting back together, and let him figure himself out, he might just be grateful. Patience, keeping the right distance, exercising self respect, and paying attention to what he actually does will give you the best chances of making the best outcome happen.