Where do I go from here after husband's apology?
OK. Brief history on me: Grew up in home where brother beat me and Mom. I was stupid enough and desperate enough to get out of that by dating a guy who also abused me--but at least he got me out of the home where I was abused, huh? I was strong enough--after 11 years--to dump him and 'move on' buit then got tangled in a string of abusive relationships. (I know, you've heard it all before... funny thing is, each time I thought I left a relationship strong enough not to do THAT again but lately in looking back I now realize they were all the same relationship, huh?. ) But I did manage to take 2 years off the abusive bums and thought I'd changed my own life enormously in the direction I wanted to go--not where some dumb guy wanted me to go. And then I found my husband. Who was respectful, loving, and all around great. Trouble is... about 5 years into our marriage he suffered a devastating loss of a close friend. He had trouble coming to terms with it and he stareted getting violent with objects thrown and broken, walls kicked, and verbally abusive to me and the kids and then phsically abusive to the pets. I kept talking to him, keeping communication open and I kept asking him what was giving him permission to cross the lines in how he was beahaving. He always had some justification for his anger mgmt problem. It lasted probably 6 years. During which he never once the kids physically but did break my trust enormously by swearing in front of the kids, by throwing things and breaking things that were important to me. I'd started feeling sorry for him and wanting to console him to help his anger go away but it ended up that he called me a B***h and was angry at me. It wasn't until the past 2 years that he started FINALLY realizing how his bad handling of his own grief and anger had started with the loss of his friend and then turned anger towards God and then just became a habit to use on all of us for anything that ticked him off. And so he actually has started a pretty good life change to apologize to the kids, to FINALLY admit that he sees that his actions were not justified, and I can see he feels quite guilty for what he put them through--especially since he can see some inappropriate anger handling in our son at times. My hurt comes from several sources--that I couldn't choose my own family who hurt me, I was young (16) when I was stupid enough to choose the abusive boyfriend #1, and probably never matured much past 16 when I later chose the other abusive guys, too. But by the time I met my husband, I'd grown up a lot and knew what I was looking for and what I didn't want. And I chose him. And he WAS a great person. And he betrayed that trust I had in him being a good person--my rock--I had finally chosen well on. And once he broke his own treasured item and I had an identical item and I loved him and I felt sorry that in his grief/anger he'd broken his, so I gave him mine and then a month later I discovered mine broken as well. I hadn't witnessed the scene in which it had been smashed, but he'd smashed it and left the pieces for me to find. Both really ignorant betrayals, in my viewpoint. I also realized I was starting to throw myself under the bus more and more in protection of our kids. I'd take his verbal abuse outside to spare the kids the language. I'd even have sex with him believing that if he had some steam valve to let off it'd temper his anger the next day with the pets and kids. I realized only a couple years ago that I allowed him to hurt me physically during sex--not like he hauled off and hit me or anything, just that a turn or a twist or a thrust was painful for me and I never spoke up-- and I didn't speak up (whereas in our early relationship I had--if a position caused me pain I'd say stop. Now I was mute and inside myself--pretty much back to my own old protective habit when I'd dated abusive boyfriend #1. And I was in effect lying to my husband and I hated myself for it so I started to avoid him to avoid the situation) For a long time I kept thinking I was just traumatized/hurt/angry at old boyfreind #1, but then I came to realize that I had actually allowed my husband to abuse me, too, and I'd never admitted it to myself and he himself never thought he was being abusive--and to tell the truth, I think if I HAD spoken up and said STOP husband would have stopped, it's just that in the moment I'd lost all trust that he would and I demeaned myself by not considering myself important enough to stand up for myself--back in old habits of my own--starting to view him/treat him like my old abusive relationship. So I can see I have a part in what's gone down between us. And when I told him, he was very hurt I had lied to him and he told me he didn't want to hurt me. And that seemed genuine except that while telling me that he was still otherwise being abusive/angry in yelling all time at the kids and obviously steaming and waiting to explode whenever he wasn't actually yelling. It seemed to me that he has little control except maybe just sheer willpower that only held out for so long. I don't yet trust he's changed I think he's faking it either to me or to himself as well.
But now I sit here and he has just today made an apology to me, this is actually his first apology in 8 years directed to me--he's previously aplogized to the kids, to the pets, but not directly to me. And I guess I'd feel good about it except that I had to point out to him that he had never apologized directly to ME. (Having to ask for an apology kind of makes it hollow, wouldn't you say?) And he told me it was very difficult because he feels so guilty and he felt as if I wasn't going to be receptive. And I wasn't. He made what I considered a half-arsed apology "I'm sorry for what I've done" and I insisted he had to be more specific--I told him maybe he would see me as an unreceptive b***h but that was the risk I felt I had to take because I felt that he needed some tough love to hold him accountable for his actions, not let him skate by without taking a good hard look at what's he'd done to us all. I know he just wanted me to be receptive and forgiving and to comfort him in his time of need--but where had he been in my time of need? During all his anger mgmt problems I'd given birth to 2 babies, suffered loss of both my parents, my grandmother, 3 pets (not by his hand, by the way) and I'd undergone 2 major surgeries and went into and out of a very deep debillitating depression. He was nowhere in all of that for me. I needed to see that he'd taken the time to reflect on his behaviors and pull out exactly what harm he'd done to us all. He first told me he'd need to think on that and that made me angry. I unloaded a bunch of stored up crap onto him--pointing out several instances that were particularly abusive and wrong and that I could see their daily affect on the kids and on me and even our dog who shies away from him. I reminded him that if you beat a dog it shies away from you. And he yells that how long does it take for the dog not to shy away anymore if he's not beating it anymore? And I said you have to always never beat the dog because the first time you beat the dog again you are starting back at square one again. All the not-beating progress doesn't count. It's like you can't be a little bit pregnant. And yet all the while I realize that I've always taught my kids and I believe myself that we are all human we all make mistakes and it's what you do after the mistake that counts. If you keep doing it and don't apologize and don't feel bad or if you stop doing it, feel bad, and apologize. But... trouble is although he's more or less stopped doing it, the kids and I cringe at the first raising of his voice, I find myself constantly wanting to be sure that the kids or my or the pets' mistakes don't make him angry. I HATE doing THAT. HATE myself for THAT BAD HABIT. It's not my job to make life sweet for him so he doesn't get angry. He needs to handle his anger. He is so impatient with the kids even on little things. (And they are still little kids!) I simply don't know where I go from here. I haven't let him touch me in 2 years. I can't let myself be vulnerable to him. I don't trust myself to protect myself properly.
And yet I guess what I know is that the abusive relationships I left the guys were abusive for no reason I know of other than I was a great victim and they were power wielding creeps. I left those relationships to resolve them. I don't want to leave this relationship as a matter of commitment and the kids and all that stuff. And I can see that in the beginning there was a source ('reason,' if you will) for his anger/abuse. And the abusive habit was a mistake for which there was no excuse and he now finally recognizes that and is trying to stop the bad habit and change. (I suppose it's possible that my brother and boyfriends also had some original cause for their abusiveness but it began long before me and I wasn't sticking around for them to resolve it) My husband was once worth sticking around for. But I don't know how I can turn back the clock and feel as safe and loved as I once did with him. I've told him it doesn't feel like he cherishes me and the kids much. More like we've been invisible. More like he's been selfish insead of selfless in his love for wife and small kids. I yearn to see more thoughtfulness, more consideration for where the kids and I are coming from, more patience, more effort and creativity in resolving problems insetad of festering them not communicating, or avoiding addressing them. More good examples set for the kids. [Yet I also question is that possible for a MAN to do? Or am I from Venus and shouldn't expect any of this from him since he's a male? ] And yet he keeps telling me he needs the chicken before the egg. He wants affection coming from me so that he can feel it's worth it to do the right things. I say bull. I honestly do not feel I am doing this to 'punish' him. I am doing it as a self-protection thing, trying to make a wisely guarded choice for the kids and myself. I cannot let my guard down and feel close to him, make myself vulnerable until I see some real and lasting changes. I think he's apologizing with the motivation of getting what he wants--affection from me--not apologizing with the motivation being a heartfelt guilt or shame or desire to do better.
How do I know what to do?