My girlfriend of 1.2 years has recently broken up with me (sunday, April 5 2009), she said that she loves me but she is NOT IN LOVE with me. I was devastated and the fact that we came a long way up to this point and now the inevitable happened.

Bit of background about our relationship:

Feb 08 to Feb 09 was long distance relationship for us. I lived in New Zealand and she lived in melbourne, australia. Although I have visited her on April 2008 for 10 days and for her birthday on July 2008. There was one point where she nearly broke up with me (this happened August 2008) mainly because her reasoning was she wasn't ready to commit and that her love for me is not the same as mine. She was overwhelmed with the love and affection I give her, but to me it was only normal as she is my girlfriend. Anyway, the very next day, she was fine and we were back together. During Dec 2008 I came over again to spend xmas and new years with her, I stayed for 3 weeks! I really felt her love and affection at that time and that she really showed she cared for me and that her actions speaks louder than what she says to me. Everything was going great. She knew that I will be moving to melbourne permanently on Mar 15 and that she was really excited to finally be with me. When Mar 15 comes, we were doing great and that she really missed me and that she loves me. She kept reminding how much she loves me.

Anyway, Late march, her cousin came from germany. As an understanding boyfriend, I told her to spend as much time with her cousin as she could as he is only here for 2 weeks! She understood that. 2 days after her cousin's arrival, I felt that she was being distant and blunt with me. She wasn't the same at all, her sweetness level has deteriorated over the next coming days, she takes too long to reply from my messages than usual and I felt that she doesn't care for me at all. I go with her and her cousin to outings/clubs and every time I'm there, I feel like I'm being neglected. She hardly checked up on me on those times we were out with her cousin. It was really painful!

April 4, 2009 - Her cousin finally flew to sydney to study for a couple of months and so I was really looking forward on spending time with her. She told me that she wanted to rest that night as she was really tired. This was unusual as I'm the first person she wants to see whenever she's tired etc. This was when I started to worry on our relationship as it was really an eyebrow raiser.

April 5, 2009 - An unforgettable day for me, she msgd me saying to meet up with her somewhere. There it was, I came only to find out that I was about to hear the inevitable line "I love u but im not in love with you". She also said "I'm confused with my career and my relationship" "I want to do things on my own, like travel etc (even though she's always wanted to travel with me and were making suggestions on where to go etc)" She also said "I wanted to be honest with myself and to you. If we stay together, our relationship will be a complete lie!"

I know these lines are devastating to hear... :(

She also said "That moment where we nearly broke up (august 2008) came back and haunted me again" she said it haunted her before but shrugged it off and now it came back again

So after the dramas, she asked if I could give her a hug for the one last time, we did hug and she burst into tears and I was also in tears. She wanted me to go as she doesn't want me to see her break down like that.

Its only been 2 days and its obvious that I was an emotional wreck but I'm slowly moving on.

Any comments as why it all happened so fast?
Maybe her cousin had something to do with these? (I've always been close with her family)
Maybe she got used to me?
Maybe she was not ready and got overwhelmed again now that I'm living in melbourne?
Maybe she just took me for granted?

Sorry about being specific on this, I just wanted advise on what I need to do now and what would be the best thing to do right now.

I know that:

- I am moving on slowly
- I haven't closed the doors for her yet
- I love her to pieces
- I still love her ofcouse as its still fresh right now
- this experience will make me stronger
- I haven't contacted her since Sunday
- I'm not planning to contact her until the wound has healed

Hi Lou,

Welcome to AMHD. I am so sorry to hear about your recent breakup. I know you are in shock because you really love this woman, but unfortunately people change (for no apparent reason it seems). All you can do now is try and get your life back for you, and keep up with NC (no contact). I know it is so hard, I know you want to fight to get her back, but you can't. If she wants she will be the one to come back if that is what she truly wants. What I suggest is for you to read the 'Stickies' found at the top of the main relationship forum (near where you posted your topic). These are written by people just like yourself who have been there too. We all have, and we are all here to help you and offer support. Keep writing to us and read those stickies. I think they really help.

Thank you for your prompt response starlite1, we'll just see what happens right now. Thank you for that, I will have a read at 'stickies'.

Appreciate your response. Thank you

Anytime at all. We are all here for you!

I registered lou because I am going through the same thing. Long distance, moved in, and now she moved out without warning.

I was hoping to get your email or messenger info maybe we can talk and help each other

Hi Stillfading,

Welcome to AMHD. Did you post your topic? Maybe we can help out as well.

I have not yet, thanks for asking I will write one up. I'm on day 2 of NC!

Hi Still,

Excellent! Good for you, keep up the good work. We are all here and will be glad to help you out!

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Originally Posted by stillfading

i registered lou because i am going through the same thing. long distance, moved in, and now she moved out without warning.

i was hoping to get your email or messenger info maybe we can talk and help each other

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Hello stillfading,


I'm on my 3rd day of NC.

Today would've been day 3 for me too, but I gave in to all her messages :(

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Originally Posted by stillfading

today would've been day 3 for me too, but i gave in to all her messages :(

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stillfading, you should try and NOT contact her at all! I know its hard but I've done it so far without contacting her. You should be able to do it too. Just think positive, get busy, do something. Don't sit by yourself, call friends and set an outing together. This will take your mind off things, I know its hard but its doable! With the right attitude, you can pull this off.

I'm not an expert on these myself, but the fact that she broke it off, fine, let her be. Yes it is devastating, but I have to be strong and let her know how bad this has affected me emotionally. She has to realize this on her own, that's why I'm keeping my distance. I know its very hard, I just keep myself busy with things that I've always wanted to do, like go out with friends. Go contact old friends and arrange a coffee session, you should be fine.

She can't just push you around like that. You did everything you could to make her happy, I did the exact thing and now we're both on the same boat. I suggest NC mode is the solution right now and get busy so that you won't think about what just happened.

What exactly did she say when she msgd u? Was she saying sorry blah blah? She misses u? Don't buy that... be strong, you can do this and don't reply.

Hi Lou and Stifffading,

I am experiencing the same thing like both of you. Me and my ex-gf broke off recently. We were so close and so romantic exactly like how Lou felt. I was in deep confused and devastated when she suddenly ignored me and wanted to break off. She doesn't show any sign a day before she ignored me. Came to the 2nd day, she wanted to break off. How I felt?. the center of my deepest heart been pierced with iron hot rod in and out. I cried for weeks and she is so firm with her decision. I was not given a chance to fix the relationship. When we met up after 2 weeks time off she made up her decision to separate without giving me a 2nd chance to fix it. Yup, she told me how she loved me and how she wanted to be with me... blah.. blah... but now?. I just live my life to feel the pain. I lost myself and wanted to give up my life as I love her so deep. We shared a lot of our passion together. I just don't understand why all this happened but I am very sure God allow it to happen for a reason. We were so perfect when we met and the way we got into contact was so miracle and I thought it was our destiny. I grab the relationship tight and wanted to work it well. How I felt?. I cried to God and angry with Him. But He showed mercy and heal me slowly... till I came to this site and knowing that I am not alone. I listen to friends here and didn't contact her. I didn't know how long I will NC with her although my heart miss her and love her a lot till now. Many times girl can be very uncertain with what they want. They acted without us knowing why... it's painful... real hurt... my heart and body and soul are so tire.. so exhausted. We just need to move on. God is at work... believe in Him. He will give the best. Now is the time for God to mould us and refine our character. I believe once we go through this pain, He will promise a harvest of peace and righteousness. Wait for His timing... that's what keep me comfort and hope. Our hope should be in His name... our Lord Jesus. Friends, let's walk together and get heal and move on together. My love with my ex-gf is full of confusing and really not fair for me for not giving me a chance to repair... I still feel the pain on and off...

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maybe her cousin had something to do with these? (I've always been close with her family)

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Doubt it.

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maybe she got used to me?

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Could be!

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maybe she was not ready and got overwhelmed again now that I'm living in melbourne?

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Distance could be an issue.

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maybe she just took me for granted?

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Maybe, but I doubt it.

Her feelings changed is the only fact you have.

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I am moving on slowly
- I haven't closed the doors for her yet

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You should.
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I love her to pieces
- I still love her ofcouse as its still fresh right now

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Of course you do, it takes time to break the emotional attachments

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- this experience will make me stronger

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Yes it will in time, and you will learn and grow from it.
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I haven't contacted her since Sunday
- I'm not planning to contact her until the wound has healed

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That's a good idea.

Sorry for your loss, but good Luck!

I guess I'm a bit late for my response. Seems like you are doing well.

I was just going to say, don't worry about what her reasons were for breaking up. There's probably a many different reasons.

I hope you feel better soon.

Please I have the same thing... we were madly in love and would talk for hours on skype and we visited a couple times a year... then I moved in and she almost all of a sudden got distant and now she pulled the I love you but not in love with you--- please let me know how everything has gone with you guys if you see this

3 years later I am well over her. Still have *really minor* moments where I lapse but I would never go back if I had the chance! I have not met a girl worth keeping but one day that will come!

Give it time and NO CONTACT and the days will one day seemingly magically get better. I look back at my posts and laugh and one day you will be able to too!

Wish I had a better, less painful answer, but time and experiences with friends and other women is a cure that worked for me I hope it comforts you too! Their loss, not ours!