I have a 12 year old daughter who just plains refuses to tell the truth about anything. We have been having problems with a neighbor and I have stood beside and behind my daughter through it all. I thought she was telling me the truth about not starting problems with this adult neighbor however, I found out that she had been giving her hand gestures. I do not know who started it but it is the fact is she did it and then lied to me about it. It gets worse she snuck out her bedroom window and set the neighbors lawn chair on fire. She lied to me and the police about it when they questioned her. I finally got the truth out of her. We have grounded her and taken things away from her . The lying has been a problem for a while but this is something new and I don't know what to do about it or where to turn I am at my wits end. Her father won't even talk to her because of all the lying. Any help or suggestion would be greatly appreciated.

Part of the reason troubled kids become so troubled is the parents fail to recognise or take action soon enough. And whatever the difficulty is with your daughter, two things stand to reason: you aren't seeing it all and its been going on for longer than you think. What you have posted is serious enough that I think seeking qualified professional help would be best. I don't mean to shock you but I would not want you thinking this is just stuff that kids do these days as a passing phase. Far better to have over-reacted to something that solves easily than to not react enough and find down the road you have participated in growing the problem.

At this point you need to get very serious professional help for her.
The lying is one problem that shows deep issues, and now the setting of a fire shows even more.

And even the best parents have these kinds of issues or worst. It can be caused by emotional issues, chemical imbalance in the body, drug usage or even bad peer pressure from friends.

At 12 kids are no longer kids in many areas and schools they are doing and knowing more than adutls today can even image. So yes I would combine a complete medical profile with professional mental health counseling.

I seriously disagree with the people that read a little post explaining certain problems and quickly jump to conclusion PROFESSIONAL HELP> your daughters 12 years old right, if you do this I can guarantee she will just rebel even more. I did all the same things she did and had to be referred after setting someone's house on fire, I know what helped me , mail me if you want some info. God fr_chuck needs to relax a little.

She lights things on fire and has no respect for authority - she needs professional help. Her parenting didn't seem to solve any of her issues (unless the parenting IS the issue).

Yes, and if this were to go to court I can assure you the judge will order professional help.

Most people seek professional help because they want help, now think if you were a twelve years of age and your mother told you to go see a professional, how would you feel?
* insulted
*confused
*angry

Thoughts such as " now my mother thinks im crazy" spring to mind

Don't just go galavanting around referring her to see shrinks because it will make things worst.
You need to ask her first. If she refuses then tell her to speak to you, that your only there to help. It is at the point where she this respects you that you should come to such actions.

Setting things on fire at the age of 12, is a sign of a serious disorder, that has nothing to do with “parenting”.

I suggest that you ask a doctor to have a four hour Medical Test for Hypoglycemia.

I would not be surprised if she is hypoglycemic or has ADHD. These are nutritional disorders.