Ask Me Help Desk - I'm married 3 months, in love with exboyfriend

I got married 3 months ago with a poor guy, we got committed one year before we got married / we had 6 months together by then. And although we fought a lot as boyfriends I stayed with him because of the commitment and because my parents had already paid for the wedding reservation and I was morally committed in front of my university classmates and church people. That made me stick to my actual husband. Now, we always fight about everything, he yells at me and insuts me all the time, he doesn't want to work and never has money and he just goes to his mother's house all day everyday, he also has a mess at our house all the time. HE told me he loved his mother more than he loves me. I always dream about my exboyfriend from 3 years ago, we had a great relationship but I ruined it because I wanted him to become vegetarian and dumped him cause he didn't want to. Now I regret it deeply, he was very kind and sensitive and loving, and romantic and one woman man. He is now a successful professional and started making exercises and has a great body. We were classmates, studied same career and spent all day together and got along real well. I spoke to him recently and he still has feelings for me, I said I did too and he asked why I never said anything before about my repentance. However he has a girlfriend right now but he didn't seem to be much in love with her because of the way he spoke to me . I don't know what to do, Im losing my feelings for my actual husband for his misstreat but divorce shouldn't be an option for a christian woman. HELP Besides Im not protecting myself I could be pregnant but I don't think so, however it could be a possibility, I would hate to be pregnant of my lazy husband

Get an annaulment, if you are able to- if not a divorce. It sounds like you are stuck and you just went along with the punches, not good.

Does your husband know about this? You should let him know how you feel and agree to a peaceful [if it's possible] divorce.

However, when it comes to your ex. If he broke up with you because of that I don't think he would actually take a relationship seriously- let alone a marriage.

Best thing to do now is focus on moving and separating! And don't have sex with the guy if you want to leave him, you don't want to bring a child into this let alone give him mixed signals.

MRS.S

My ex didn't break up with me, I was the one who took the decision. He tried to convince me to be together in that time, but I was closed thinking he had to be vegeterian to accept him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nushquita

My ex didnt break up with me, I was the one who took the decision. He tried to convince me to be together in that time, but I was closed thinking he had to be vegeterian to accept him.

Ahh... I see sorry about the mix up!

However your ex should be the last one you should think about. Don't let him be the reason your marriage is over. Let the reason be that you got married for the wrong reasons.

MRS.S

I got married 6 months ago, love-blinded and its been a complete struggle with my lazy husband that used to work a little but now, is totally unemployed, he doesn't even mind looking up for a job. He fights all day cause he thinks all I care about is money. He wants me to pay for his own business, making handmade souvenirs, while the money I earn in a full time job barely covers our daily expenses. Since a month ago I have been paying for everything and he just lays down watching TV or visiting friends and mother running up MY gas of MY car while I work. He says he repents marrying me and making me a son, because Im a that only cares about money and I don't want to help the poor one giving him money that he thinks I don't need. We've also had a lot of trouble with his mother because he used to be at her house all day long and returned home with no money. His mom always calls him and asks to be called back so she doesn't have to pay for the call. I paid his phone bill the last time and its now off service again because of lack of pay, the same as his mothers. THey are both the same, proud (dont want to work where they think they are not being paid enough for their "great beings", while they barely know how to write), they rather starve than work at a place that "doesnt deserve them", they are unmotivated (I bought him an expensive english course so he could learn english and he never passed the first lesson, Im still paying for the course through my cc), he never does anything productive like reading or studying, or learning something, just wastes his time all day, he never graduated from the university, he never followed the disciple courses at church, he's irresponsible, disorganized, forgets commitments, lazy, non romantic, dumb, non worthit looser. Its impossible to discuss with him because he doesn't even understand the actual situation and has a totally distorted vision of it, he just comes up with stupid replies. Also, when he gets really angry he starts kicking and breaking things.

I mean, its only been 6 months! Im supposed to still be in honeymoon! ANd Im in hell since the first month married.

He has left the house several times for some days, always comes back, but never repented, always proud. He left 3 days ago and I have no idea where he is. Though he's most likely at his mothers. Im carring his child which will have no support from his dad ever. It sucks. Besides thinking of divorce is humiliating for me in front of the people at church and all my wedding guests, I feel so ashamed and failed, but I think I will be even more miserable hanging on to him. Besides I lost all my love and respect for him for his misstreats, Im just very concerned about the child in my belly.

I'm very sorry your dealing with this. It sounds to me like you are ready and wanting to move on and leave. But your child is holding you back.

Try to think ahead, what kind of happiness will your child have in a home like this? It sounds like you have a great job, and you would do wonderfuly out on your own with your child.

My thoughts are you need to leave him. Move out. Move in with family, or friends. And go for a divorce. If YOU are not happy, your child will not be happy.

I see in your other post back in April that you left your ex because he was not vegitarian. I have known many relationships work in which one partner was vegitarian and one was not. It can sometimes be difficult, but if you are willing to accept him, and he is willing to accept you, then all should be OK.

You have to go with what your heart tells you hon. Good luck *hugs*

I have read your other posts as well. Your trying to blame everybody else for the position your in now. Passing the buck. Yet you do not want to take any responsibility for yourself and your own actions.

I would say that yes, all you are concerned about is money. Sounds like it by reading your posts. Calling people poor and dumb.

Well honestly I think that you caught yourself a husband that has a stronger connection with his mother. I would even guess to say that he would rather spend his time with his mother and mother would prefer his son with her.

Time to get divorce but it will not fix all the problems. You need to learn how to take responsibility of your own actions and not try to blame everyone else all the time.

Stop playing the blame game and just make the decisions that you know you want to do.

Also picked up on something else. You are married yet, you want your ex boyfriend back. This sounds like one of the main or part reason of you wanting to get out.

For people who have not read her other posts I suggest you do.

Joe

I stayed in my marriage for 7 yrs because back then it was humiliating to get a divorce.
Nobody got divorced, except Sonny and Cher and Elizabeth Taylor.

Don't waste your time, energy and money on someone that is just leeching off you. He sounds like a mamma's boy and wanting you to be his second mom.

You are doing it all alone now and he is basically just another kid for you to deal with and feed.

Even if you have your wrongs like expecting others to be vegetarians that doesn't give him the right to have a free ride at your expense.

Sorry to say but its time to move on

How many serious relationships have you been in in the last two years? If more than one, it is time to STOP!
Get yourself single and then spend at least a year getting your head on straight. Sorry you did not do that sooner. Now you are bringing a child into the world that unless you fix some things in your life will be far more screwed up that you appear to be.

Clearly you and your husband are two incompatible people with differing orientations on life. Needless to say you should have gotten to know him better before marrying him. I'm not going to tell you that you're right and he's wrong because I don't think it's as cut and dry as that. Granted, as a married man with a child and another on the way. He should be working doing something, even if it's working on a garbage truck. His pride has to take a back seat now. I think the two of you could benefit from some serious counseling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

I have read your other posts as well. Your trying to blame everybody else for the position your in now. Passing the buck. Yet you do not want to take any responsibility for yourself and your own actions.

I would say that yes, all you are concerned about is money. Sounds like it by reading your posts. Calling people poor and dumb.

Well honestly I think that you caught yourself a husband that has a stronger connection with his mother. I would even guess to say that he would rather spend his time with his mother and mother would prefer his son with her.

Time to get divorce but it will not fix all the problems. You need to learn how to take responsibility of your own actions and not try to blame everyone else all the time.

Stop playing the blame game and just make the decisions that you know you want to do.

Also picked up on something else. You are married yet, you want your ex boyfriend back. This sounds like one of the main or part reason of you wanting to get out.

For people who have not read her other posts I suggest you do.

Joe

When I was thinking of my ex, I was going through a phase where I was desperate and started comparing my loser husband with everyone. I moved on with that already and I haven´t spoken to my ex since that last post. Neither do I have any expectations or desires of going back to my ex anymore, cause he´s got his girlfriend, his life and I got mine. It was a phase I went through looking back at the time when I used to be happy. My ex has nothing to do with my current situation and I plan to be alone with my baby once the situation resolves.

Also, I AM taking responsinility of my actions, that is why I work and don't lay down all day! And I am also willing to support my coming child on my own.

Regarding the "strong connection" with his mother, he visits her now that we´re married, but as boyfriends I had to pick him up from his mothers house several times with all his clothes because she always kicked him off her house because they fight all the time, even physically and he never helped her with the bills.

I do not only care about money, since I have supported him more than 2 years now, buying him clothes, food and even the expensive tools and compresor with which he worked with. Im not mad at him for not having money, Im mad at him because of his lazy relaxed attitude. He has no way of progressing with that attitude. And by progress I don't mean getting more money, I mean growing spiritually and mentally.

Quote:

Originally Posted by s_cianci

Clearly you and your husband are two incompatible people with differing orientations on life. Needless to say you should have gotten to know him better before marrying him. I'm not going to tell you that you're right and he's wrong because I don't think it's as cut and dry as that. Granted, as a married man with a child and another on the way. he should be working doing something, even if it's working on a garbage truck. His pride has to take a back seat now. I think the two of you could benefit from some serious counseling.

We have received serious counseling many times in a short period now. But after a couple of days everything is the same, its just his lifestyle.

My wife also had similar problem. We had been married for 3 yrs. She cheated and dilivered his baby and iimpersonating it as mine. I have clear evidence. She'll be ****ed up in court now. Remember once married remain with yr husband don't dare to cheat. He'll find out one day eventually and relationship willl be over. No man bears that at any age in life.