Ask Me Help Desk - Mother's Past

This is the first time coming on the site. I need some help. I have a daughter who is 20 years old and her dad took her from me when she was 9. I did not see her again until she was 18 years old.

When she was 9 I became addicted to meth. Road of hell. During the journey I was sentenced to federal prison for 18 months. When I got released from prison I was released to a halfway house. I got a job and doing well. I tried from 2001 to see my daughter she was kept from me. Her dad married a woman who was a very jealous person. My daughter was raised by her and dad. She has two sons they were all raised together. My daughter in the beginning was so nice forgiving loving. She moved out at 18 to be with boyfriend and told me she left due to the way she was raised. I was doing all I could do for her when I could. I also have two grown children from previous marriage.

She would always say I do more for them. She calls the stepmom her parent. She now lashes out at me calling me names she said I chose drugs over her. I need some help I don't know what to do or how to handle the matter. I have been clean for a very long time she is constantly reminding me of my addiction

Help

Hi, pamelalynn49!

Greetings and WELCOME to the site! I just moved your question that you had posted in Introductions to this forum topic area so that it will get the most exposure to those who are best able to answer it. Introductions is for people to introduce themselves and we try to not ask questions there.

It can be a little confusing when first learning how to use this site! Your question will get noticed much more in this forum topic area.

We would appreciate it if you would return to Introductions sometime to tell us a little about yourself though, if you would be willing to do that.

Thanks!

You may never have a relationship with her, There are no rules she has to forgive you.

It is obvoius she resents you not being there when perhaps she really needed a "mother"

So you merely keep in contact and let her know you will be there if she wants to talk. Beyond that you move on with your life.

You of all people should know the hurt, and pain, she must have gone through, while you dealt with your hell.

Just as you needed the time, and space, to overcome your addiction, she also needs the time, and space, to overcome her anger. Give her the same chance, life gave you.

That's one of the consequences we pay for our actions, and even though its hard, especially with ones we loved, it does take a lot of time for the healing to take place.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Just as you needed the time, and space, to overcome your addiction, she also needs the time, and space, to overcome her anger. Give her the same chance, life gave you.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but what Tal said in the previous post is very true. My dad left when I was 6 and we had a very bad relationship since I was 12, none from the age of 17-20

Your daughter is probably feeling very hurt, and she is most likely struggling with the abandonment. To be abandoned by a parent is a feeling that runs so deep and is so painful that it is hard to explain it. I don't know how your daughter is feeling, everyone are different and experience it differently, but my experience is( both personal, from close friends who have been through the same things and my siblings) is that over time it festers, even during those times when you don't think about it every day. Because mixed in with the anger there is also a sadness... personally what I have struggled with the most is that he was supposed to be one of the two people who should love me the most and always be there, but he just left and broke contact,

You should give her time and space to deal with her anger. At the same time you should let her know that you are there for her if she needs you, and you should always keep appointments if you make any and remember special days (holidays, birthday etc.) Because there is a parent/child trust that has been broken. She feels you chose drugs over her and that you just disappeared on her. So if you want a chance of a relationship that might be important for you to do these things, even if you don't get that much in return, but if she tells you to stay away completely (I don't know if she has) then you might have to just do that, but make sure she knows that you are there if she wants contact.

I have realized as I've grown older that the situation you are in is not an easy one either, and I really do sympathies with you. I have had a lot of talks with my dad (I've been in contact with him since I was 20) about the way he feels about this and the pain he feels for the choices he had made. So this is not to discourage you or make you feel worse, but the fact is that you might never have a great relationship with your daughter where she feels like you are a parent, the same way her dad and step-mom has been. I try to feel like my dad is my dad, the same way my step-dad has been, but it hasn't happened yet and I doubt it ever will.

I do salute you for making a change in your life, working on yourself and getting over your addiction. And like tal said; if she doesn't want anything to do with you then you should move on with your life, even if that will be extremely painful.

Hope this was of some help!

Best of luck!
Roxy

It always amazes me how people with a drug addiction who are also parents say "they took my child away and kept them from me". It's the only safe thing to do! The person with the addiction keeps the child away. The drug use keeps the child away. No one else.

I agree with the others. You have a lot of making up to do. Her initial reaction to you sounds like a girl happy to have her mom back.

But now she is dealing with the anger, among other issues, she has, and rightfully so, as you DID choose drugs over her. Admit this. Own it. Apologize sincerely for it.

Let her vent. Don't say a word. Let her yell and scream and call you every name in the book if it makes her feel better. Then apologize again.

If she forgives you, be patient with her and by your actions, not words, she may learn to trust your love for her.

What surivior said is so true; you should show her that you are there though actions and not words!