Ask Me Help Desk - I saw my ex tonight...

I went to tgi fridays and it was one that was not the one me and my ex used to go to and it's a little far from his house. I was with my friends and all of sudden I saw his friends and then he walks in! My initial reaction was to flip out! I just got up and moved to the end of the table. I don't think he saw me. I went to the bathroom with a friend and we looked to see and I guess they left because they were not in there- so he must have seen me and ran! I saw his car two cars down from me ( he had to know it was mine) so yeah... it was so hard to see him after not seeing him since the breakup. Im having a hard time dealing with seeing him- to see someone I loved with all my heart and he ran away! He acted like he never knew me, never held me, never promised me forever. I know its over but it still hurts. Again the question comes up how can someone who once loved you pretend not even to know you and how do I react if this ever happens again?

Both of you are an ex. There is not a need to see each other. Some people are able to remain close friends even with a break up and there are others that prefer to stay away, one of the reasons is because it would be awkward, also hurtful. For many people it is hard to go back to anything. It is almost like the all or nothing type of deal. Obvously you have not moved on and let things go because it bothers you so much. You need to get passed it. Do not try to avoid. Just be yourself. You may run into each other again. React calmly. React in a happy way, and show that you are happy.

Joe

Tired, I went back and read your original post about the break up and a couple things struck me. The first was that you admitted you were clingy and he felt like he couldn't even go to the bathroom with out you. If that's the case, maybe he left because he felt like you would have clung all over him on his night out with the guys.

The second thing that struck me and this really struck me, was that your original post was in April. That was five months ago. I'm by no means an expert but if your still obsessing over him after five months I think you have some personal issues to look into. I don't know what they are, or even how to help you but five months just seems a little to long. Have you two been in contact this whole time? If so you've got to stop. I'm a very emotional person myself so I know it can be really tough for "our kind" but that timeframe doesn't seem right to me.

For the most part it is an unexpected shock to see a lost love and for a moment the old feelings come back. No big deal it wears off and you go on as if nothing happened. If you've been honest with yourself and got a life you like then you don't worry about the past. I guess I'm not sentimental, but who has time to play the what-if game with yourself?

Thanks for all the ideas-

And chuff, this was the first time I have seen him since like April right after the breakup when I returned his stuff- thanks for your ideas but it's a long process for me because 1- I was very dependent on him- which I am working on, and 2- he was my first true love, I was completely in love with him and we never spent a day apart in the two years we were together ( which I now see was a problem in itself)- I was even a part of his family practically and we were talking about engagement with his family included as well- so when he dumped me I was in shock, it was a week after I threw him a surprise party and paid for all his friends and bought him like 1,000 worth of things. Anyhow, these are not excuses- but he was emotionally abusive so I don't think 5 months is enough time to be over it-but I am like 80 percent better and working on me for a change- but thank you for your ideas and advice!

Just to recap, its been over a dozen threads you've posted now about this topic and probably 100+ replies on them where all sorts of advice is offered. With all due respect, are you taking any of it? If you don't take any advice, you can't really expect results. I don't think you are healing. There is a stuckness in all that you post that says you have still not made him your "ex" in your mind... so no wonder it was a hairy deal running into him. If you won't take the advice given or can't seem to move on, please seek professional help in order to help yourself. He may have caused you suffering once but you are doing it to you now and that may need more attention than just posting to a forum can offer. I say this to you now with caring for you and your ability to heal as uppermost in my mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tirednhurt86

thanks for all the ideas-

and chuff, this was the first time i have seen him since like april right after the breakup when i returned his stuff

But you still appear to be obsessing... I use that word purposly. I don't mean thinking about him or see something that reminds you of him but literally obsessing over him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tirednhurt86

- thanks for ur ideas but its a long process for me becuz 1- i was very dependent on him- which i am working on,

Good. Please understand I'm not putting you down for this but please keep working on it. I think you need to keep going. Be happy with yourself that your in the 5% of people who recognize they need to change and the 1% who actually do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tirednhurt86

and 2- he was my first true love, i was completely in love with him and we never spent a day apart in the two years we were together ( which i now see was a problem in itself)

Yep it was. That stuff sounds good when you write it fantasy novels but it is never practical in real life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tirednhurt86

- i was even a part of his family practically and we were talkin about engagement with his family included as well- so when he dumped me i was in shock, it was a week after i threw him a surprise party and paid for all his friends and bought him like 1,000 worth of things. anyhow, these are not excuses-

Actually I'm going to call you on that and say yes those are excuses. Your trying to rationalize why this happened and those are some of the reasons you believe that he should have not dumped you. Maybe there all true. But it's over.

In all my relationships with women I have been the more dominant spender and when they've ended I've always used that excuse myself. I bought them this or that, there parents loved me, I did things nobody else did for them. But those excuses are based on emotions you had. They were not based on emotions he had.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tirednhurt86

but he was emotionally abusive so i dont think 5 months is enough time to be over it-but i am like 80 percent better and working on me for a change- but thank you for ur ideas and advice!

Well, to be honest, I'm not sure how long it should take. I'm not an expert and I'm an extremely emotional person myself but looking back at all your posts it seems to suggest you haven't moved on yet at all in an emotional manner. I don't want to discourage you and in fact I want you to keep posting to seek out advice if you feel you need it. This kind of sucks for me because I can sort of see that your having a hard time and I really don't know the answer but it just seems your taking this break up worse than I would expect after 5 months. Like I said earlier I give you credit for seeking out advice. Good Luck.

Thanks chuff for your post. I guess being honest with yourself is hard sometimes- I guess I just do not want to admit that I am obsessing still so long after. I feel like no one can say anything to make it better but hearing advice does make me feel better. I guess that I'm just not accepting reality- that he really is gone forever. Its so hard to say that and to actually really believe that. I want to move on I just don't know how. I feel stuck in this pain at times. And val, thanks for your advice I know you don't say it to be mean and you say it to help and that means a lot to me. I do need help and maybe more than I want to admit. I really do want to be OK but I guess I'm really not OK just yet. I have taken the advice given the best that I know how but I guess I should take it more than I am. Thanks for helping me.

He she was in a 2 year relationship with this guy - YES she is obsessing - but I think, time and again... it ca ntake up to a year toget ove some one - ESPECIALLY how dependent she was on him (not good).

There have been people who have come here and taken 2 years... I know that's a lot... but everyone is different.

It does bother me that she is obsessing STILL after 5 months. That's pretty unhealthy. Who cares if he's there e- he's old news.

"i was completely in love with him and we never spent a day apart in the two years we were together " - yes - unhealhty. They are PART ofyour life - NOT your life - you need to be busy with other things.

Tirednhurt,

You know my deal and I know yours. This was always going to be a tought experience for you.
So you have overcome another hurdle.
The first time I seen my ex was tough for me too. But I have seen her a few times since and it gets easier each time.
5 months isn't necessarily long enough to get over him, no. I agree.
But I also agree with Val that you seem stuck.
You don't seem to be getting much better.
Im about 5 - 6 months out of my break up too. And yes it still hurts at times. But I also am 1000 times better than I was 3 months ago.
I do feel like I am making progress.
Do you feel the same? Be honest and if the answer is no then maybe you need to go and talk to a prefessional. I have a female friend who was similar to you and found just talking to someone with experience in this area really helped her.
This might be something you have to look at now!
No one expects you to be cruising and doing it great. Yes it will still be a tough. But we all hope you are trying to take the advice given to help you move on.
You have to be honest to yourself and assess whether you have done enough to improve your emotional state.. if not then today is the day to start!!

Maybe it's wise to date other guys this time? Just look on the bright side you will adore another man and you wish to make not similar mistakes and that you both will have good times. We all grow. We all make mistakes. Same mistakes to be exact. Just try not to think of your ex. And date as many guys if need to get over with him. Just remind yourself not to do same mistakes.