Snooping on my boyfriend with good reason?
Hello Help Desk. I've been with my boyfriend for just about 16 months now. We knew each other before we started dating for some time and had a great foundation of friendship, respect, and trust. We always felt comfortable with each other and had so much in common that it seemed to make perfect sense once we started dating. But now I'm finding myself questioning everything.
A few weeks ago, I checked out my email without realizing that I was still under my boyfriend's login ID. I was shocked to see messages about rate plans from girls who had placed ads on CraigsList under the Erotic Services category. He'd message them (anonymously through CL) and ask them about rates and they'd send back their rate plans and perhaps a few photos. There was never any more communication beyond that, but it still shook me up. He's admitted one night while we shared our secret sexual fantasies that he has one about sleeping with a prostitute... I just had no idea that he went so far as to actually contact women like that. Then things got a little worse.
A while after that, I became worried and felt like things were cooling off in our relationship. I couldn't explain it. I still cared about him just as much as I had before, but I felt like he was holding back a lot. Then I became consumed with suspicion and snooped through his email again (I really hate that I've become "the girlfriend that snoops"). I found an email from his ex-girlfriend asking him how he's been, even asking how I've been, and telling him what's been going on with her. From her end, I didn't see anything dangerous. I know that they're on good terms and that they've chatted in the past -- she and I have no issues with each other. But then I read his reply email. Essentially he told her that I was fine, but he wasn't sure if the relationship is going anywhere. Then he told her that they should go out and get a drink the next time she was in town.
I felt hurt, angry, embarrassed, all at once. I tried to shrug it off but he saw very clearly that I was upset. I didn't tell him all that I had seen, but I did tell him the part about me feeling like something was wrong in the relationship and that I didn't feel like he was really "IN" it anymore. He finally admitted that he's been pretty depressed lately about several (legitiamate) things in his life. I had no idea. I knew that he'd struggled with it in the past but I had no clue that he was currently suffering. I listened to all of his concerns and encouraged him to tell me about these things in the future. It's hard for both of us to open up about our personal issues (we've both been hurt before), but we agreed to really give it a try. I asked him if he was happy with our relationship and if he still wanted to keep moving forward and he said, "Yes! I'm happy and I don't see any roadblocks for us."
Now I'm very, very confused. How can he tell his ex that he's not sure if the relationship is going anywhere and then turn around and tell me that he just sees smooth sailing? Did he talk to her on a day when he was particularly depressed*, not being able to see ANYTHING working out for the best? Should I worry that he communicates with the girls on CL, even for a few brief messages? Or is it normal and similar to those phone sex hotlines -- except with email? Should I tell him I've snooped now or continue to keep an eye on things until I find something concrete to confront him about? Please help!
*He's denied going on any medication and he doesn't want to talk to a counselor about his depression, so I'm stuck as to where to go on that.