Hello Help Desk. I've been with my boyfriend for just about 16 months now. We knew each other before we started dating for some time and had a great foundation of friendship, respect, and trust. We always felt comfortable with each other and had so much in common that it seemed to make perfect sense once we started dating. But now I'm finding myself questioning everything.

A few weeks ago, I checked out my email without realizing that I was still under my boyfriend's login ID. I was shocked to see messages about rate plans from girls who had placed ads on CraigsList under the Erotic Services category. He'd message them (anonymously through CL) and ask them about rates and they'd send back their rate plans and perhaps a few photos. There was never any more communication beyond that, but it still shook me up. He's admitted one night while we shared our secret sexual fantasies that he has one about sleeping with a prostitute... I just had no idea that he went so far as to actually contact women like that. Then things got a little worse.

A while after that, I became worried and felt like things were cooling off in our relationship. I couldn't explain it. I still cared about him just as much as I had before, but I felt like he was holding back a lot. Then I became consumed with suspicion and snooped through his email again (I really hate that I've become "the girlfriend that snoops"). I found an email from his ex-girlfriend asking him how he's been, even asking how I've been, and telling him what's been going on with her. From her end, I didn't see anything dangerous. I know that they're on good terms and that they've chatted in the past -- she and I have no issues with each other. But then I read his reply email. Essentially he told her that I was fine, but he wasn't sure if the relationship is going anywhere. Then he told her that they should go out and get a drink the next time she was in town.

I felt hurt, angry, embarrassed, all at once. I tried to shrug it off but he saw very clearly that I was upset. I didn't tell him all that I had seen, but I did tell him the part about me feeling like something was wrong in the relationship and that I didn't feel like he was really "IN" it anymore. He finally admitted that he's been pretty depressed lately about several (legitiamate) things in his life. I had no idea. I knew that he'd struggled with it in the past but I had no clue that he was currently suffering. I listened to all of his concerns and encouraged him to tell me about these things in the future. It's hard for both of us to open up about our personal issues (we've both been hurt before), but we agreed to really give it a try. I asked him if he was happy with our relationship and if he still wanted to keep moving forward and he said, "Yes! I'm happy and I don't see any roadblocks for us."

Now I'm very, very confused. How can he tell his ex that he's not sure if the relationship is going anywhere and then turn around and tell me that he just sees smooth sailing? Did he talk to her on a day when he was particularly depressed*, not being able to see ANYTHING working out for the best? Should I worry that he communicates with the girls on CL, even for a few brief messages? Or is it normal and similar to those phone sex hotlines -- except with email? Should I tell him I've snooped now or continue to keep an eye on things until I find something concrete to confront him about? Please help!

*He's denied going on any medication and he doesn't want to talk to a counselor about his depression, so I'm stuck as to where to go on that.

I find it hard to be stuck in a relationship where you are playing the cop role... very skeptical and constantly looking for evidence to back whatever theory you may have up.

That is no way to go about life, and I don't think this will change with you. You have a choice to make, stay in a relationship that you seem so intent on investigating, or get out of this...

Regarding the prostitute deal, I would take issue if I dated a girl that did this... I realize people have their "sexual fantasies," but actually acting on them or even remotely investigating a fantasy such as this while in a relationship seems a bit disrespectful.

Thank you, kc. It's not that I question absolutely everything he does -- I really do believe that he has my best interests at heart. He's a good, good man. He works hard, does whatever it takes to make me smile, proudly introduces me to friends and coworkers, surprises me with little presents, spends as much time as possible with me, and generally behaves very lovingly and sweet.

I was just shocked to see that behavior coupled with checking out prostitutes ("disrespectful" is exactly the right word) and sharing doubts about the relationship with an ex. I've had my doubts on bad days, but I don't call up my exes and tell them that!

I never believe spying on someone is the right way to go about things. If you have doubts, then communicate those doubts with your partner, if after the conversation you still have them, then leave. Once you cross the line of snooping, you can't go back. Nor have I ever seen someone go back from it, you won't be happy until you find something

First off, there is a huge breach of trust. Now that you snooped his email once, how many more times are you going to do it? You kind of opened a can of worms, because you will be extremely tempted to keep on snooping. How would you feel if he did the same to you?

Sounds like he's having some personal issues. I'm sure he really likes you, but I get the feeling that you're not doing enough in the relationship, so he feels like there is no future.

Either way, I'm sure he feels that something is missing in the relationship, but he's still willing to give it a shot.

You've got a decision to make as well. Do you want to give him the same chance? If you do, then focus on having better communication with him. You two need to talk much more to work though your issues.

I wish: "How would you feel if he did the same thing to you?"

I would willingly give him the password to my Facebook, MySpace, email, let him read my text messages, let him listen in on every single one of my phone calls. All he would have to do is ask. In the 16 months that we have been together I haven't done a single, solitary thing that would ever give him any reason to doubt my loyalty to him.

I told him in the beginning of the relationship, "If you're doing/thinking of doing something that you know would upset me, you're probably right."

Bottom line: You shouldn't feel like sharing your emails, phone calls, and text messages is needed in a relationship, nor should it be protocol. You stumbled onto an email account that wasn't yours, found some dissatisfying information, and for better or worse, it is up to you on how you handle this.

You have come to have a skeptical view of your boyfriend, good or bad, right or wrong, it is hard to fix that point of view. You got a taste of blood, and now you are looking for more. Bad analogy, but it is the truth. It is going to be hard moving forward to satisfy your appetite...

One thing we can all agree on: If you can't be in this relationship without honest and TRUTHFUL communication without you "snooping" behind his back, it ain't worth it.

You've set yourself up in a position where you seem to feel it's o.k. to keep snooping in his information. It's not o.k. I hope you rethink all this and confront him with the information that upset you in the first place- the emails in which he asked and received rates from prostitutes. Having a fantasy is one thing, but it seems he's coming closer to trying to make this fantasy come true!

Let him know that you accidentally discovered this information and read it- I'd also tell him about reading his reply to his exe's email. I also think couple's counseling is a good idea- you'll both have some anger to work through and you can figure out what you both want from this relationship. Good luck...

I am going to be the minority of one here.Your first inkling something was wrong came by accident.You did not intentionally set out to snoop.Since it was there ,you looked,I say big deal.
If he had not done something behind your back,you would not have felt compelled to snoop again.
If I had to snoop to find the truth about my relationship,you can bet I would.

Bottom line, now the trust is fractured.Can it be repaired and if so how?

Using depression as an excuse for cheating or even making motions to cheat is lame.Depression does not give you a get out of cheating free card.

Me,I know I would be snooping!

I'm 54 and that's how we played it back in the day.

If snooping saves me heartache down the road,it is worth it.

In this case I think the end does justify the means.

Political correctness can go right out the window,I'm protecting my own.

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*He's denied going on any medication and he doesn't want to talk to a counselor about his depression, so I'm stuck as to where to go on that.

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That's one for a doctor to decide, and that's up to him.

Give him your passwords, and see how he reacts. If he has nothing to hide he will give you his, without hesitation. If he does not... you have a decision to make for yourself.

At some point, you will have to be honest with him, about what you know, and how you came to know it. Most people don't listen to how, but the why may upset him.

For whatever reason, his behavior under whatever stresses, has to be addressed, sooner, rather than later.

Maybe asking why he wants to sleep with a prostitute and knowing how far he would go to realize that fantasy, may give you insights and facts.

Communications is key, but it also take a willingness to communicate in the first place, by you BOTH.