This question is not going in the direction you might think. I had dinner with two friends tonight. The discussion turned from let's help KA1 to a heated debate between my two friends. One, is like I think many here on the board, forget about her, NC, and there is nothing you can do anyway. She gets to decide to leave for good or bad reasons, and you can't force her or convince her to change her mind. If she's gong to, she will just do it. My other friend, a female, is more don't shut down the lines of communication. She been around us (me and ex) more than the other friend and feels it a classic, it ended and did not need to scenario. And as such, being around, but not pressuring her is the only way to woo her back. That NC, and just moving on as if we never entered each other lives will not do anything positive. It may help with moving, if that's what I want (she's not convinced that's what I want) but if I want her back, she needs to be able to see the reasons she hold come back. She's not just going to wake up and be like, "I miss him, I want him."

This discussion went down hill quite quickly. But I did see both points, and I thought I would ask you. When you're NC, and that drags on for weeks, and months at a time, why would someone come back? You're not there to generate any sort of feelings, or small happy moments. Out of sight out of mind, right? What would make them want to try again, if you're not around. I know you can't "Force" someone to be with you. And trying to win them back seems to be the worse thing you can do. So what would make them revisit their decision. I mean people do it, maybe it ends up ending again for many reasons like resentment for instance. But I can't see how my female friend was completely incorrect.

No contact isn't about winning them back. It's the first step in letting go. If you don't want to let go, then don't. No contact gives you:
1) Solace to grieve in all it's glory without the ex knowing how much you are hurting.
2) The time and attention span to prioritize your life without your ex (intentionally or not) preventing you from doing so.
3)A new perspective on the relationship you were in (which will evolve more and more as you distance yourself).

The hardest part about breaking up is letting go. Dumpers aren't usually any better at it (hence the friendship request, fishing for your interest level, and generally leading the dumpee on). That's why no contact gives you power as a dumpee. It's easier to dump someone if you know they won't let go (you don't have to live with your decision). If you let go first by ceasing contact with them, they feel the loss you were supposed to feel. Going no contact is about dumping them back and doesn't feel good to get dumped.

My ex drove me (intentionally) to break it off and she was relieved when I did. She wanted to stay friends. I went no contact immediately. She was upset that I was "punishing" her. It got ugly but it just proved that my ex didn't want me to stop loving her, she just wanted to be free of commitment to me. That wasn't good enough for me.

I think you see No Contact so much on this board because by the time people are asking perfect strangers for advice on their love life it becomes apparent that they are no longer in control of themselves. It's when you know what you need to do but your heart won't let you, so you look for a push. In the middle of the honeymoon stage could anyone talk you out of seeing a person? I think not.

All I can say is how I feel from my perspective. I dumped someone before and when I got in to a new relationship I sometimes saw the disparity between the new boyfriend and the old boyfriend. A lot of times I saw how good the old boyfriend treated me. But, this was only because my new boyfriend didn't treat me well. I never mentioned this or made a fuss to my new boyfriend because I wasn't really comparing or measuring one against the other. The thought was just in passing.

The reason I mention this is because I feel that if you treated your ex well... then maybe she'll remember the good things you did for her and may some day want to come back. Of course, what I mentioned is a 1% chance.

No contact isn't a weapon to win someone back, you will never see any of the veterans on this forum say that it will get you your ex back. It is the best way to heal after a break up, you can't heal yourself by being around the same person who knocked you out the first time. If you're doing NC to get someone back, you are not only failing NC, but you're failing yourself as well.

Quote:

---

Out of sight out of mind, right? What would make them want to try again, if you're not around. I know you can't "Force" someone to be with you. And trying to win them back seems to be the worse thing you can do. So what would make them revisit their decision. I mean people do it, maybe it ends up ending again for many reasons like resentment for instance. But I can't see how my female friend was completely incorrect.

---

Possible reasons;
They didn't know what they had until it was gone.
They hooked up with someone else and that fell apart so they are going back to old faithful.Plan B.
The comfort of having a partner is better than being alone.(wrong)
They thought they could do better(?) and realized they couldn't.
The person answers some physical or emotional or financial need they miss.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I am sure there's more.

Time can often make bad feelings and memories fade away. In general people tend to remember the good times over the bad when reflecting on the past. Why would someone come back? Perhaps for the reasons previously stated. Perhaps they long to "connect" with someone and will seek out past loves where they felt that a connection. In the end does it really truly matter? You stated something to the effect that she makes a "great girlfriend" but possibly not exactly "good wife" material.

I'm going to say your female friend is being a bit naïve. While it is true that if you are not around someone will start thinking less and less about you and will not have the opportunity to directly experience the positives you have to offer, I believe this type of thinking is negatively self-serving at best and allows you to hold on to that last bit of thread of hope which will draw out your healing far much longer than required.

You should be focusing on what is truly best for you. Oftentimes friends will tell friends what they want to hear because they think it will make them feel better but this doesn't serve your best interests.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by artlady

Possible reasons;
They didn't know what they had until it was gone.
They hooked up with someone else and that fell apart so they are going back to old faithful.Plan B.
The comfort of having a partner is better than being alone.(wrong)
They thought they could do better(?) and realized they couldn't.
The person answers some physical or emotional or financial need they miss.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I am sure there's more.

---

EXACTLY!!

I notice that the discussions on this thread seem to revolve around the issue of 'getting back together'. I'm not totally clear with your question 'why would they come back?' I mean come back as dropping by or come back into the relationship?

Artlady has listed most of the reasons an ex would come back (as in getting back together). Yes, a lot of ex's have that in mind. But don't forget that other ex's don't plan to get back together. Sometimes they drop by the place (either when the ex's there or absent) just out of pure nostalgia and curiosity as to how the other's doing. Of course, to revisit the places/the past implies that they still have feelings for their ex's, but these 'feelings' don't always have to be romantic, maybe it's a mixture of everything, affection, respect, friendship, etc. It means that the person's not totally gone from your heart and at some points in time you just need to revisit those memories.

So, unless those ex's were abusers, cheaters, liars, golddiggers, alcholics, junkies, any other kinds of addicts or criminals etc. I don't see the harm in breaking NC and accept their friendship. Maybe you'll get back together,maybe you'll be best friends for the rest of your life, maybe they'll fade out of your life again. No one really knows (I mean in the case that they're not trying to win you back right away) so speculations, suspicions never help. Better let it go with the flow and see how things go.

No Contact is to heal, and be able to see things in a clear realistic way, and make better decisions for YOURSELF, based on facts, and not just feelings. It allows the emotional dust to settle, so you can heal the hole in your soul, that break ups bring.

Maybe you won't make the same mistakes again, and end up on the same situation... AGAIN!

NC lets you love yourself first, even when nobody else does. It teaches you how to cope with those painful feelings and what to do about them.

I think the main thing here is to remember that hoping someone will come back, makes being just friends, impossible, and is more heartbreak waiting to happen. I think it's the worst thing you can do, is give your broken heart back to the one responsible for the heartbreak in the first place.

It doesn't matter if they change their minds about how they feel about you, later, and want you back, because you will be in a much better frame of mind, to answer that for yourself, and deal with the situation, AFTER YOU HAVE DEALT WITH YOUR OWN SELF, IN A POSITIVE WAY!

Just from this forum, most who HAVE healed, and accepted their break up, rarely want the ex back! Why?? Because they have found better options, and opportunities, a clearer vision brings, from the healing process.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

Just from this forum, most who HAVE healed, and accepted their break up, rarely want the ex back!! Why??? Because they have found better options, and opportunities, a clearer vision brings, from the healing process.

---

Yep... (had to spread rep)... couple prime examples of those exact people you refer to come to mind...

Quote:

---

I don't see the harm in breaking NC and accept their friendship. Maybe you'll get back together,maybe you'll be best friends for the rest of your life, maybe they'll fade out of your life again. No one really knows (I mean in the case that they're not trying to win you back right away) so speculations, suspicions never help. Better let it go with the flow and see how things go

---

Maybes, and what ifs, are what keeps false hope alive, and until you can see them as friends, and just friends, that's what you get, FALSE HOPE!

That's no way to heal.

Why is it ALWAYS false hope? I can't tell if you just believe it is impossible for people to come back together, or if you believe it is false hope unless you can be friends with an ex.

I don't want to be just friends, so that would be a waste, cause that ain't happening. I told her many years ago; friends, lovers, and partners. All three or none at all.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

Just from this forum, most who HAVE healed, and accepted their break up, rarely want the ex back!! Why??? Because they have found better options, and opportunities, a clearer vision brings, from the healing process.

---

Perfect, I'm an example. My ex tried to come back after around 6 months of NC, I didn't want her. I was and still am happy with the one I have. I wouldn't have been able to say that had I kept in contact with her during those months.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Perfect, I'm an example. My ex tried to come back after around 6 months of NC, I didn't want her. I was and still am happy with the one I have. I wouldn't have been able to say that had I kept in contact with her during those months.

---

I see your point. I geuss my whole question though, is what makes them do it. I mean they decide to leave, you're not around, and so they wake up and say, hmm I want them back? Odd. I geuss for me I always want to DO SOMETHING. I'm that way in all things, not just in the relatiosnhips. So the odea of, if I do nothing she will come around... I don't buy it really. I really don't.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

Maybes, and what ifs, are what keeps false hope alive, and until you can see them as friends, and just friends, thats what you get, FALSE HOPE!!

Thats no way to heal.

---

I agree. But my post was about AFTER being healed. I see no harm in ending NC once I realise I'm totally over the pain and the false hope. That can take years of course (or maybe until the grave in some cases) but it doesn't mean we can't be friends or whatever with them for the rest of our lives (being divorced with kids, colleagues, classmates etc. makes NC impossible anyway).

The healing process makes us feel secure about ourselves again, and after years pass or however long it takes, it doesn't matter anymore whether they're in your life or not (as friends or whatever) because we'll feel complete as a person, as our own person.

They come back if and when they want to. There is NO WAY to make them, manipulate them or trick them into coming back. If and when they do come back, it's not necessarily for the right reasons. It's also on their timeline. How long can you wait for someone else before you live your own life? If I told you that after 20 years of a break up they always come back would you wait 20 years for this person?