I have been married for 20 years. My wife and I are both 40 years old. We have 3 great kids together. About 6 months ago, I found out my wife was having an affair. 3 months ago, she moved in with him, leaving me with our home and my 3 kids, 17, 14, and 10. She says she loves him. We were happy and had a great life but she says I stopped listening to her. She has mostly been a housewife for the past ten years and very involved in exercise, running, and raising our kids. I worked 40 hours a week. From my view point, we just got busy and didn't have enough time together alone. Now she's gone and I am heart broken, I really love her. I can't believe she left me and our kids for this new man. She still comes over 2 or 3 times a week to see the kids, and it hurts because I know she's with someone else. She didn't even upgrade. The new man, Donny, has a meager job and lives with his Grandmother. He's only 37, doesn't have much, except he has her. I really want her back, even after the affair. I never cheated, we were great friends, I supported her and our kids, and I made no major relationship mistakes except for not listening enough I guess. I am dating a new girl, but its not the same. I miss my wife and friend. I love her and can't seem to let her go. Any advice or comments are appreciated. I think about her all the time and would do or give anything to have her back with me again.

If my math is correct, you guys have been together since your early 20's- if not earlier.

Perhaps "missing out" made her react this way. Wait not made her, she chose to react this way. Perhaps you did miss your shot of listening to her when she was at her breaking point and new guy was all ears.

Perhaps this is a stage, perhaps she'll wake up. Truth of the matter is she is now in another relationship [I believe it will be short lived] and you need to focus on your career, children and of course on yourself. Perhaps therapy, speaking to a pastor, group counseling or maybe a community group for single fathers would help.


AMHD is here for support,
MRS.S

I agree, it will be short lived. Been there done that and its not greener on the other side. She doesn't love him. She loves the new flutter feeling. But there is nothing better then old. Keep your doors open she will come knocking.

If she claims to love this guy than I don't see how you are going to rekindle this relationship.
Her heart belongs to another.

Sadly,people do fall out of love.You can't make someone love you.

If you have not done so I would ask for another chance and if the answer is no then you need to distance yourself from her as much as is feasible ,given that you have three children to raise together.

I know how painful this is and I am not underestimating how devastating it is but you may just have to learn to live with her decision.

I'm so sorry you and your children are experiencing this. Maybe in time she will change her mind, maybe she won't. It is unfortunate that she chose to start seeing someone else instead of speaking to you about how she was feeling.

Keep the communication going with her, even if for now it is mostly about the children... surround yourself with friends and family, and take care of yourself

I'm very sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine how hard it must be.

I hesitate in giving any advice as what can one say?

She left you and your children for another man, would you want her back?? Perhaps when the pain subsides you will be able to really assess that question.

You're the father of three kids, you have to raise. Get YOUR financial house in order, and protect yourself legally. Sorry for your situation, but you have to deal with it, in case she doesn't come back.

She made her decision, now make yours, and do what you have to for your family, and yourself.

There is plenty of time to feel bad later, but for now you have things to get done. Changing the locks, and getting child support, is at the top of the list, as well as a lawyer.

Love or not, she has consequences, and responsibilities for her actions. Let her pay them.

There were many opportunities for her to addrress her needs. She could have hired a sitter, taken you out for a quiet dinner, and expressed herself. She could have sent an email, a letter. Asked for time alone to discuss things. Arranged to go to counselling. Talked to somebody, at sometime, to indicate she was unhappy!

Instead she spent her time finding another opportunity. Whether she fell out of love with you or not, I don't see from what you've said that she tried too hard before she left.

She had the affair, not you. She abandoned her entire family for some shmuck and gave up everything. I sense that there is more to this than her happening to find love while at the grocery store sort of thing. There is a lot of deceipt, lying, and coverup involved in having a full blown affair. Too bad she didn't put that kind of effort into her marriage.

And you welcome her into your home, and maintain decency toward her. I think you deserve a pat on the back for that alone.

I think your title says it all. '20 years married and three kids, wife had an affair and left'.

It's over. You can do much better, and I hope you find somebody that can love you, as much as you can love them back.

So she ran off with some guy who lives with his granny? Well, maybe he never got married or has an exwife and exkids to support and can't manage to live on his own but has to live with granny in order to make ends meet. I have no idea what is so alluring with that guy other than he has no responsibilities whatsoever (unless the exwife and kids but you didn't mention those). She wants to play house with someone and not have to worry about anything.

If and when she does come to her senses and wants to come back this will all be up to you if you do let her back. It does not matter that she was a stay at home or went to work person. A lot of women lately have been "running off" with other men when they get to the 20 year mark of a marriage. This is not new. A friend of mine had his wife leave him and take up with a practically penniless man she found on the internet. He had to burn through his 401K and give her $125K in his divorce. He was more than generous to her financially. Well, she and her new boyfriend blew through that in a heartbeat and now she's broke - but she is divorced so he does not have any financial obligation to her any longer as he already "gave" legally to her. He is the kindest person and she was just a fat jerk who was never satisfied with a Mr.Nice Guy and she never worked a day in her life either.

Apparently you have not started any divorce proceedings against her, but for your own peace of mind I would definitely suggest a consultation with a divorce attorney about what options you have open to you at this point in time.

Sorry for what you are going through however in doing the research on my situation this is not uncommon.

Did you get the line "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." OR "We married to young."

Pretty common responses - She's in mid life crisis - Things are a changing and she believes her life's passing her. Other man provides emotional (chemical) spark she wasn't getting from you, or a least didn't believe so.

What to do - Completely up to you but you should understand woman you knew and married doesn't exist anymore.

Suggestions: Care for and improve yourself
Best advice I ever got was from website "Surviving wives mid life crisis" - which read
If I improve myself and end up divorced have I benefited - Yes
If I improve myself and we get back together have I benefited - Yes

She will tire of the loser as the spark wanes - If you want her back that is your timeline, keep the door open but don't be her patsy. Get your own new exciting life. It's amazing how doing that will "green your fields" in her eyes.

Good Luck Brother -

Hello I think she will come back she's just on a high now living out the infatuation phase with the new man

Am sorry about your wife but coming from the same piont of view my husband of three years doesn't work or anything and he's always on his video games... he never makes time for us I have come to the piont of droping itand I almost did get a divorce from him but I realized my heart was with him and no one else... the thing is talk with her about how you feel and she may be going through a midlife crisis it is comon with women. We just go through it slowly... the point is she may come around some time and you just have to let things take its coarse yes it hurts like hell to see the one you love with someone else but you have to have the faith that love is stronger then anything.. you just need to talk if that was the problem then start talking get things out in the open it will be good for your heart and maybe hers if it is. You never know she may be feeling the same thing ut shamful for what she did and doesn't know you can forgive her for he actions just let life and love fill you up other than that

Dee I think you could be right, think the connection you and your wife share is much deeper than the love she thinks she has for this new man, and it does look like a mid life crisis to me, but what do I know I'm only 30, but I do have a degree as a RN and I feel your wife will come around in time

Gl