Ask Me Help Desk - Am I being shallow?

Am I being shallow?

Hey guys basically I've been thinking about something and what I'm looking for in a relationship. I wanted to be someone's first kiss, and someone's first lover.

Am I being shallow? At the same time I want them to be all of my first but I know they won't because my ex was my first everything and there isn't anything I can do about it anymore. The thing is I don't know if I could be with a girl that slept with another guy before.

I guess if you truly love someone that shouldn't matter right? What are your thoughts about this?

I've never answered this type of post before, but I do have something to say about this post.

Someone first kiss, unless you're in middle school or younger that's not going to be you. Being someone's first love is not shallow but completely selfish, good luck it could happen. But I would recommend an experienced women over any girl all the time.

Immature love is quite right to have rules and goals such as this. It's normal and even necessary on your path to mature love. That you question this line of thinking indicates you are on the path to mature love, so be assured.

So, decide what your rules and goals are and make sure they are noble to pursue. Nothing wrong with that, is there!

But when the time comes for you start focusing on the point of real lasting love... the betterment of someone else's life through your own sacrifice... then do that, too.

Real love, the kind that's better than the fake stuff you see in the movies... real love is about giving, not getting or accomplishing. It won't be about rules or goals even, it will be about THEM. The person you love. It will be all about them... at least the love will be.

So, until then, lead on with certainty. Know what your boundaries are and follow them. What's the point of rules and goals if you don't adhere to them?

While it is a nice sentiment to want to be someone's one and only ,
You may be missing out on the most compatible mate for yourself.

While you are waiting for this *pure* person, many more opportunities for happiness could be passing you by.

Selfish is not always a negative,you are setting a high standard for yourself,as you should.

None,

When you do find love, that will be the true 'first'. Nothing else will matter.

Im not trying to be selfish, I think its just me but I feel like its hard to be intimate with someone when they have been intimate with another person before. I think ill find it hard to get close to someone. Its not a rule in what I'm looking for and I know there could be compatible partners for me that have been with someone before but I guess it might feel awkward for me to be with them. I don't know why..

Quote:

Originally Posted by none12345

I guess if you truely love someone that shouldnt matter right?

I think this sounds right. You don't choose who you are going to love. It just happens.

You are telling us all this now, but you could end up with a completely opposite girl.

Quote:

I don't know why..

I do. Your still hurt, and can only feel the past, and miss it, and can't see the future yet, so your thinking is unrealistic. Normal for now, and as you heal it will clear up, and let in new ideas.

You want what you lost back!

I don't know how old you are, but you can't even meet your own standards that you will be looking for.

Kindof ironic, don't you think?

I have to spread some rep talaniman but I agree with you 100%.

I think you are still hurting from your last relationship and want that brand new and resh feeling again. As you heal so will your expectations of others change.
To want purity from someone is not bad, but you are not pure yourself and to think you "can't be with someone who is not is IMO an insecurity in you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I don't know how old you are, but you can't even meet your own standards that you will be looking for.

Kindof ironic, don't you think?

I'm 19 and I'm not ready to be out there looking for things yet. I just got out of a serious relationship and I am definitely not ready for another relationship...

Quote:

Originally Posted by none12345

im 19 and im not ready to be out there looking for things yet. i just got out of a serious relationship and i am definitely not ready for another relationship...

This is your answer.
You are not ready for another relatioship. When you are, this will not even be a question.

I was just answering your original question.

You aren't even ready to think about dating yet, so there isn't any sense in setting your standards.

When you are ready you will have new eyes, but you should always view each person as an individual for who they are. Our past makes us who we are, so if you like that person then just know that their past is to be appreciated.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I was just answering your original question.

You aren't even ready to think about dating yet, so there isn't any sense in setting your standards.

When you are ready you will have new eyes, but you should always view each person as an individual for who they are. Our past makes us who we are, so if you like that person then just know that their past is to be appreciated.

I was just thinking about it for when I'm ready to date again? But yah I think what tal said was spot on.

Well honestly if your looking for a person that has had no relationship background... its going to be extremely hard for u... depending on the age your looking for... but to me I believe that you would have to be really lucky for that... I'm engaged to a man that I have knoen for 6 months and I'm possibly pregnant... its not the age or anything else... but I think that if you find someone that you truly love and they do you back the same then good for u... and don't be shy... the way I met my fiancé was on pof.com... its really somple and always tell all of my friends to do the same... but only if you use it correctly...

talaniman was on spot. He gave good advice.